I've had just about enough of this "Olympics," thank you very much. We've been covering it here on the Dong because, let's face it, you probably don't want to hear us talk baseball all the time. I personally think the Olympics takes a great idea (global sports) and does everything wrong.
Normal Sports: Attractive cheerleaders in skimpy outfits, hot reporters, and when involved in the actual sport, the women there can look good too (women's softball? Oh yes).
Olympics: Women are only participants in the events, and are generally more likely to look like men (and that's if you're lucky). These girls make the "ever appealing Lovabulls," well, "visually toleraBull."
Normal Sports: Make rivalries that last every year (Sox/Cubs, Cubs/Cards...etc) and get excited when your team plays the sworn enemy a few times each year for a coveted playoff spot.
Olympic Sports: Nova Scotia? Jamaica? Who the hell are these people? It doesn't matter, because they are smaller countries and we steamroll them anyways. When did it stop being OK to try and beat Russia at everything?
Normal Sports: Crappy teams are given a chance to do better with a higher draft pick the following year, ensuring new talent is distributed evenly to keep all games competitive.
Olympic Sports: Breed harder, because that's the best you're gonna get. Hey Egypt, I don't give a rats ass that you don't have a single good figure skater, but you better start feeding your kids snowcones if you want to stand a chance in the next winter games.
Normal Sports: Players are gritty, sports are "tough," and you "lay it all out on the field." We show brawls, mistakes, drunken athletes, and other things that keep sports blogs chugging. The painful Vince Vaughn 7th inning stretch really WAS Vince Vaughn sucking.
Olympic Sports: Where to begin? They put the little girl that COULD sing behind the more attractive girl, they had to "digitally remaster" the opening fireworks, there was that guy that got stabbed (which I'm sure no one in China knows about) and I'm pretty sure they had stand-ins for the Chinese team during the medal ceremony at LEAST once. Could there be anything more fake about this?
Normal Sports: Get to know your favorite players, and follow them through the next couple of seasons. Get excited when your team gets new players from trades/FA, and the offseason is just long enough where you have time to feel excited about next season.
Olympic Sports: The latest gymnastics star will be too old (read: 20) and flipping burgers by the next olympics. With a 4-year differential between "seasons," almost all the faces are new. There are no trades ("did you hear? Michael Phelps moved to Switzerland!") or waiver wire for older players looking for another shot (although it would be really cool to pick up Brian Boitano for fencing or something). Here, have some more random faces.
Normal Sports: There's a basic understanding of which sports are popular (football, baseball, basketball, soccer, and hockey) and we tailor to that in our programming. NFL Network, I'm looking at you.
Olympic Sports: No coverage until about two weeks before the games start (making it impossible to get excited), and the good sports are getting the boot! This is baseball's last year in the Olympics, but "synchronized swimming" is still a lock for years to come. This is just bullshit. Was China worried that they would have to photoshop an extra arm on Jim Abbott for broadcast or something?
Normal Sports: Fat guys and enemies on your home team. Manny Ramirez haters from Boston, Favre haters from Green Bay, AJ Pierzynski haters from...everywhere, you get the idea. These are guys you just can't seem to get rid of (JUAN URIBE).
Olympic Sports: I don't know any of these people! Even if I did, I couldn't hate them for long because unless they started competing at age 16, their next competition is probably their last. Where's the fun in heckling if you already know the deadline?
Normal Sports: Tomfoolery, and psychopaths. Ocho Cinco, Terrell Owens, and shaving cream pies in the face accentuate Rae Carruth, Tank Johnson, and Adam (Pacman) Jones.
Olympic Sports: They don't even have cannonball as a diving event! You've got a huge pool, and you even have the proper setup for the coveted Triple Lindy. Pathetic.
Try harder, Olympics, and maybe I'll get a jersey with "Chicago 2016" on the back...for a sport I've never heard of.