Strange Choices

Number of losing seasons since 1978

Earlier this week, the Cubs retired #31, as used by Greg Maddux and Fergie Jenkins. Both Maddux and Jenkins had stellar careers, and are both probably worthy of having their numbers retired...by someone. Now, what I don't understand is why they chose to retire these two over anyone else (aside from getting a cheap "2 for 1" deal on number retirement) - especially since it seems like they waited about 20 seconds after Maddux retired to get this set up.

First of all, let's get one thing straight - Maddux was an absolute monster. He pitched with his brain and let a 88 MPH fastball fool some of the best hitters in baseball. He certainly played for the Cubs enough (he was on the team 10 different times), but do you award a player for the amount of time he spent on a team, or where he achieved his accolades?

If you're going by where Maddux did his work, the answer is obviously Atlanta. Maddux pitched a great year for the Cubs in '92 (and won a Cy Young), but the reality is that Maddux absolutely wrecked the competition for the next 10 years as a member of the Atlanta Braves (including a batshit insane stint in '94 and '95). If anyone should be retiring Maddux, it's Atlanta - don't retire the number of a guy who did his best work for the opposing team. If you're going with that logic, why not retire Bruce Sutter's number or Rick Sutcliffe's (both of which were great acquisitions, but not really "Cubs" players for their careers)? What about Andre Dawson?

As for Fergie, he was a monstrous workhorse. In both cases he certainly spent a lot of time with the Cubs and had his best years as a Cub...but is it enough? Fergie spent 8 years with the club, amassing a Cy Young and some impressive stats on an otherwise futile Cubs team. Still, I can think of a few more deserving candidates that "Bleed Cubbie Blue."

Mark Grace: 12 years with the club providing consistent hitting, defense, and mad skills. Grace had a career average over .300 with the Cubs, and in an era of ridiculous homerun hitters and juicers (especially when one is on your team), hit no more than 16 in any year on the way to becoming one of the most prodigious hitters in Cubs history. Oh, and other than that little tail-end trip to Arizona for three short seasons, Grace spent almost his entire career with the Cubs. That's gotta be worth something, right? Oh, and did I mention he was absolutely sick in the playoffs?

Sammy Sosa: Sosa will be remembered for a lot of things - the fact that he couldn't find Right Field unless the patch of dead grass was there to direct him, the face that he "accidentally" used a corked bat in a game, and the fact that he needed an interpreter for...one day. Point being, Sosa also happened to be the face of the Cubs for 12 years where he hit a then-unheard of number of homeruns, followed by that bullshit kissing and tapping the chest business. Yes, he's a dick, yes he likely used roids, but if you're going to award a player for time spent with the team and a prodigious career while on it, he's your guy.

Got a better suggestion than these two? Hit up the comments.

White Sox Get Griffey...and His Gigantism

It's like there's a party in my mouth - and everyone's invited!

Well, Kenny got his man. He wanted Griffey bad, and it only took about SIX YEARS to get him. We trades Massett (I called that one, easy) and Richar (he may be missed if someone in the infield gets hurt), and we got the Reds to eat half his salary. Griffey OK's the deal, and now the fun part is over.

Now what?

We've got an old man - granted, a Cooperstown-bound old man - and nowhere to play him. The obvious gap is in centerfield, but I would sooner play Konerko in center than Griffey, and Swisher already has been covering more ground there than Griffey has in 8 years. RF or LF? The corners are clearly filled with two of our best hitters, Quentin and Dye. Well, what about 1B? We have better options defensively (Swisher, Konerko), and both are less likely to cripple themselves playing there.

So...we're paying over six million for a DH who's over the hill. Last I checked, we HAD one of those in Jim Thome, and unless there's a new "Really Fucking American" League where you can have two DH's, we don't have room for two guys like that.

And now we wonder - what the hell did we get Griffey for? I'm down to three theories:

#1. (Unlikely) Paulie is headed for the DL. Ozzie knows, Kenny knows, and they need to plan accordingly. This deal makes even less sense, considering Anderson could play CF and Swisher could play 1B. Griffey's presence here is meaningless.

#2. (Likely, but stupid) Griffey becomes the left-handed supersub that Rob Mackowiak was supposed to be, complete with sub-par fielding ability. Griffey can still hit for power, and I can easily see Ozzie using him as "rest" player. He plays LF when Quentin rests, RF when Dye rests, and DH when Thome rests. It's not really "starting," but Griffey came over because he wants to win...even if it means he doesn't play every day.

#3. (Absolutely) Brett Favre is coming over as part of a waiver deal in August. Book it.

Memo to Brett: Fuck Off

If you give him money, he'll just come back for more.

Look, Brett, nothing personal, but stay the fuck away from the Bears. We remember the "good old days," the "I'm going to bend the Bears over and anally sodomize them" days, and that was all well and good while it lasted. You routinely violated us, got a superbowl title out of the deal, and generally made us hate football season two weeks a year.

Even with your text-messaging prowess and ability to make Aaron Rodgers contemplate suicide every July, you're just not the same QB anymore. The Packers have moved on (obviously), and now you're like that old grandpa who talks about the "good ole days" back when the Packers used to win superbowls and a nickel could get you a sandwich and a ride on the trolley. Much like grandpa, everyone is waiting for you to die so you'll just go away. They're not going to give you your release, because they spent all that money on putting you into the old folks home. They're not going to start you because your bones makes noises akin to Rice Krispies at each snap.

And then there's this business about Favre going to the Vikings or Bears.

First of all, no, we don't want you. Go away. Do we need a quarterback? Sure. Is it going to be you? Not a chance in hell. You'd get booed worse than when Ron Santo played for the White Sox (It really happened), and you'd probably find a way to sabotage our team worse than our current QB situation. More importantly, we already have Favre Jr. in Grossman - why should we pay more to add to your HoF INT totals when we can start building his?

"Rex do good"?

This is your big chance Brett - don't go to the Panthers or Vikings, and stay away from Chicago. Just retire! You could be on everyone's good side in Green Bay, get something named after you (Somehow the "Brett Favre Boat Rides" sounds much better than "Wendella Boat Rides"), and occasionally provide meaningless sports commentary like Cris Carter does for ESPN. Why are you making this so difficult!? I was hoping that you would stay a Packer forever...kinda like what Jeremy Bentham did for UCL.

Put me in coach - I'm ready to play!

So please, Brett, go away. We don't like you, we don't want you, and there's a seat with your name on it at a bingo table somewhere.

Favre Retires

After 17 seasons of torturing the Bears, Brett Favre has announced his (likely official this time) retirement.

Ahem:

YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYEYES!!!

THANK YOU LORD FOR GETTING FAVRE OUT OF OUR DIVISION!

WE PRAYED AND HOPED AND PRAYED SOME MORE, BUT YOU FINALLY GRANTED OUR WISHES!

More importantly, this means that there's only ONE "Favre-esque" player in the league:


And he's all ours...(sob)...