Is it 2004 again?

I opened the newspaper this week (to look at the pictures, obviously - this whole "reading" thing is beyond me), and what do I see? The Cubs acquire Greg Maddux, and the whole world is urging Sosa to admit to steroid use in the wake of a Mark McGwire announcement.

This is a paper from 2010.

First of all, let's get our facts straight. Here's what matters:

#1. Sosa did roids. And corked bats. And vampirism. If there's a way to illegally gain a competitive edge and be a fucker at the same time, he's got it.

#2. McGwire did roids.
#3. The universe now assumes that any effective baseball hitter is doing steroids.
#4. Wil Cordero beats his wife.

That said, who really cares anymore? Baseball's image is at a weird state right now - you've got the rose-tinted glasses nostalgia thing going on, and you also have the "let's get on with our lives" phenomenon.

Look at it this way - comparatively speaking, did anyone - anyone at all - give a shit when McGwire confessed? No! We knew about the andro, we knew that Canseco gave him a flaxseed oil enema, and we knew that the whole era was BS. Coming out and admitting it way after the fact doesn't really change the public opinion of anyone or anything (oh, and LaRussa - you're so full of shit. In order for McGwire to get the job, you made him confess. Slick).

Thats said, who doesn't look back at those times with fond memories? Those last couple of years in the 90's changed BASEBALL. I'm not talking about the whole "Barry Bonds" part of things, but the McGwire/Sosa race was one of the most exciting things to happen to baseball in a long time, and we loved it. For those of us that were just getting interested in the game because of it, we can view it as a fun sideshow, like the "smallest person alive" at Coney Island: you feel terrible once you get up there to see this tiny woman sitting on a chair, but you still remember it and talk about it all the time.

Are we at a point where we say "Oh, McGwire was the best and he should go into the HoF"? I doubt it. I propose something entirely more radical:

The Hall of the Game

Think about it - how many people have evolved the game over the years and have introduced public interest to what is arguably one of the most boring sports to watch for a newcomer? Pete Rose got people to care. Sosa and McGwire got people to care. Bonds got people to care. Jim Abbot? Hell yes. These people, like it or not, had a huge impact on the way we play the game. Are these players our "Hall of Fame" of greatness? Of course not. But they should be remembered and memorialized none the less.

I nominate the following players for 1st-Ballot HoG induction:

Joe Jackson
Pete Rose
Mark McGwire
Jose Canseco
Barry Bonds
Sammy Sosa
John Rocker
George Steinbrenner
Mark Fydrich
Babe Ruth
Ty Cobb
Jackie Robinson
...etc

Say what you want, but THESE are people that shape the game. Nad Hanlon and Bid McPhee? Who the fuck are those guys? These players have long been out of the game, but looking at that list, I'll bet you can identify each of those names and remember how they affected the game for YOU. We need to embrace our past, and move forward WITH it instead of trying to bury it.

Goosing it

"It's about time, you assholes!"

Goose, you've come a long way -- you started with the White Sox, earning you the love of 31% of Chicagoland, and eventually toured with the Cubs, earning the love of the remaining 55% (everyone knows that the other 14% of Chicago is a bunch of tourists who come to see Wrigley field and urinate in the same trough as Ty Cobb).

I'm sure there are plenty of blogs out there that are commemorating Goose's career achievements and his recent induction into the baseball Hall of Fame. The guy made the name "Goose" into something feared by hitters! That's pretty damned impressive, along with his sub 3.00 ERA in any given year and his amazing mustache.

Ah yes, the mustache. See, while other blogs will rant and rave about his evolution as a pitcher, we at Luol's Dong have a much more important evolution in mind:


Our journey begins here. You'll notice that he is still referred to as "Rich" Gossage (prior to the legal name change and adoption), and that there seems to be something missing -- where is his trademark face growth? Why does he look, you know, happy? He's got the rest of his hair, but something is definitely missing.

After a brief stint with the Pirates, Gossage went to the Yankees -- which is where all ESPN reports regarding his HoF career will begin and end. Still no facial hair, but look at that face! Instead of boyish youth, we now see a man who is pissed that he hasn't received his paper in two months, and will kill the next paperboy he sees. That man is pissed off -- if only he had some outlet for his rage...

Yes!

There it is -- the mustache. Gossage came into his own both as a pitcher and as a ripoff of that guy on Mythbusters when he adopted this amazing follicle growth. This was the golden age of his career, as the mustache provided the perfect wind resistance and balance needed to maintain a 100 MPH fastball. In addition, a fondness for goosing gave him the name "Goose" by violated teammates.*

*Bullshit.

By the time Goose played for the Cubs, he had perfected the mustache and hair. Opposing pitchers protected their bodies, women protected their ovaries, and barbers protected their scissors. He was an unstoppable beast, and went on to inspire such loving tributes like that psychotic guy in "Happy Gilmore."


However, all great stories must come to an end. As Goose's signature fastball began to dip in velocity, he found himself struggling to find answers. After a brief stint in Japan as a clean-shaven member of the Fukuoka Daiei Hawks, he realized that his mustache was the true source of his power, and brought it back with him to the US with newfound glory:


Rocking this Snidely Whiplash growth, Gossage found the inner strength to pitch for three more years before finally hanging up his cleats. OK, yes, I know that's actually Rollie Fingers. But still, that's an amazing mustache.

You've earned this spot in the Hall of Fame, Goose. You worked hard, and prevailed at every level. Never change, and never shave.