The Gourmet Dong: Maxwell St. Polish & Gyros

Welcome once again to my big greasy Gourmet Dong. We are on a mission to find the best Polish sausage/Italian beef/ bacon cheeseburgers in Chicago, cardiologists be damned. The story behind this week's review begins with me sitting at a shitty laundromat in Rogers Park, washing every god damn thing I own because we had bedbugs in the apartment. As I sat there watching my blankets and pillowcases spin around, and realizing that I just spent $35 in quarters, I shook my fist at the sky and said "God, why have you forsaken me?"  And the big guy answered, "My son...today you will eat a Polish sausage. And then write about it for the Dong."  

At that precise moment, through the rain and my own tears, I looked out the window and saw it: the modestly-named Maxwell Street Polish & Gyros.  The promised land?  Not so fast...

Food: 7. This may not come as a surprise, but I ordered a Polish. It was very good, if not exactly unique. I'm pretty sure that all these Polish/gyro places in Chicago get all their food from some common source, because a lot of their shit tastes exactly the same. The french fries were good too -- some soft, some crunchy, all salty -- but again, I couldn't shake that feeling that I've eaten this stuff before.  "Generic" might be the word I'm looking for. 

Ambience: 4. This place has a giant, loud-ass TV that is probably showing some network crap at all times. There's about 4 different people working here who all look like that young boy with the firecrackers in Boogie Nights. This is also that restaruant where some really fat trashy woman in a fancy coat walks in, talking all loud, and everyone who works there seems to know her because she eats there every day. I'm not sure if this counts as "ambience" but it definitely made me want to get the fuck out of there.  Also, I'm subtracting points for calling the place "Maxwell Street" when it's nowhere near Maxwell Street.  Maxwell style? Sure. But call it Maxwell street, and I might go back in time and beat the shit out of your parents.  

Service: 6. The whole "ordering" thing isn't very well organized here.  You kind of just order your food from the first guy who looks up at you, and then eventually someone cooks whatever you ordered, brings it to you, and takes your money. This all considered, I did get what I ordered in a reasonable amount of time, and they didn't fuck it up.  

Prices: 7. Just like the food was acceptably pedestrian, the prices were also about average. I think a Polish with fries was about 4 bucks. Nothing to write home about here. 

Total: 6. There is no god.

And remember, kids: If any of you have eaten at any of the places we review, or have anything to add, don't hesitate to post a comment. Thanks for looking at my Dong.

The Gourmet Dong: Wieners Circle

AKA "Gourmet Dong 2: Judgement Day." For those of you about to turn your back on vegetarianism/Kosher/whatever your cardiologist told you, we're here to help you find the best greasy red meat in Chicagoland. Today we'll be taking a look at Wiener's Circle, the infamous North Side (booooooo) hot dog joint. See how it rates on our new Richard Pryor scale -- "10" being "See No Evil, Hear No Evil" and "1" being "lighting yourself on fire while freebasing."

Food: 6.5. First things first: Wieners Circle serves up an excellent Polish. The specimen we sampled for Gourmet Dong was fucking huge -- like Ron Jeremy huge -- all beef, and nicely charred, with quality grilled onions to match. The char hot dogs are awesome in a similar fashion. These guys woulda rated a "10" except they had to go and add other items to their menu. Their french fries taste like greasy ashes, and anyone who tells you how great they are is a fag. Most of the other stuff here would be acceptable except for WC's odd habit of using cheeze whiz instead of the real deal.

Ambience: 8. Some of you who are local may be familiar with the deal at this place. Basically, the gimmick is that the staff here is deliberately "rude" or whatever, and not in a cute way either. If Ed Debevics was late-night cable, Wiener's Circle is full-on bukkake porn. One time, the cook showed me a centerfold from High Times and attempted to start a discussion about weed with me. Another time, the cashier tried (very aggressively) to talk me into going to Taco Bell and picking up some burritos for her. Then there's the story of a young Sicilian immigrant who could not stop swearing, even at inappropriate times. At first people thought he had Tourette's, but it turned out that he had learned to speak English by hanging around Wieners Circle late at night.

Obviously, all of this rules and should rate a 10. The two points are deducted due to the stream of drunk yuppie-ass Cubs fans who come in here late at night to be verbally abused. Obviously these people are suckers for punishment.

Service: 9.0. Somehow, despite the fact that the cast of Friday works here, food is served up at a decent clip. Things get a bit hectic when there's a 50-foot-long line and the restaurant is only 10 feet long, but other than that, no complaints.

Prices: 7. I can't find a goddamn menu online, and I can't remember what anything here costs either. Let's just say that a cheeseburger with cheeze whiz on it is a ripoff at any price. Also, fuck fountain drinks, just go get your beverage at the 7-11 across the street.

Total: 7.625. And keep in mind, this place got shut down briefly by the Heath Dept. last December, so eat at your own risk.

And remember, kids: Food reviewing is a contact sport. If any of you have eaten at any of the places we review, or have anything to add, don't hesitate to post a comment.

The Gourmet Dong: Odge's Old Fashioned Red Hots

Hello and welcome to the first installment of The Gourmet Dong, where we'll be taking a look at some of the best places in Chicago to get some delicious, greasy-ass red meat. And by "we" I mean me, since our other contributors can't take part in this excercise for personal reasons.

The first restaurant we'll be reviewing is Odge's Old Fashioned Red Hots, in Chicago's West Town neighborhood. Odge's was first brought to my attention by the guitarist for these guys, who told me that they have the best Polish sausage in Chicago. Now as some of you may know, I'm always interested in a good Polish, and obviously I immediately went out to investigate such a bold claim. On a 1-10 scale, here's how Odge's scored -- "10" being fucking awesome and "1" being like getting food poisoning from Bubbe's spaghetti and meatballs.

Food: 9.0. Every goddamn thing here is at the very least "good," and more often it's absolutely the shit. The Polish is indeed world-class: fried instead of grilled, and with perfectly sweet grilled onions and mustard on it. This Polish will put chest hair on places that aren't your chest, and you may feel compelled to punch a horse in the face like that dude from Blazing Saddles. It's that good.

The fries here are incredible as well, crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside. I've heard good things about the chili, the tamales, and the 1/2 pound burgers too. However, the quarter pounders are of the frozen, comes-from-a-box variety, and aren't anything to write home about.

Ambience: 9.5. The place looks straight out of Maxwell St. circa the 1920s. The building itself is painted red and yellow, and inside you will find framed pictures of legendary Chicago people and places, along with some (really) random artifacts from years past (Jukebox...Schwinn bicycle...Rainbow Brite lunchbox?!?!! WTF) There is also a sign saying that the apartment above the restaurant is for rent, and to ask for Odge. Two thoughts on this: 1) That rules that Odge really exists and still runs the place, and 2) how cool would it be to live there? Smelling the sweet aroma of carmelized onions and frying meat every morning? Waving hello to Odge as he brings in the day's shipment of Vienna sausage? I bet you could get a free meal just by asking about the apartment.

Service: 9.5. These guys aren't fucking around. Orders are taken quickly yet politely (kinda like "firmly but gently"), and no matter what you order, it will probably show up within the next 3 minutes. No, they don't bring it to your booth -- get off your lazy ass and grab it yourself, douchebag. At least you don't have to tip.

Prices: 10. I think a Polish with fries and drink costs something like 4 bucks. The little woman and I ate heartily for a mere $11, and that included 2 bottles of Sprecher's root beer.

Total: 9.5. Odge's is good eats at affordable prices, with a vibe that is so old-school Chicago that you half-expect cops with mustaches to show up and electrocute your nutsack with a car battery. Just thinking about the food there makes me lust for sausage like Rob Halford at a crowded leather bar. Google this fucking place and go there right now.