3-Sided Ring of Fire: Metallica, live at Allstate Arena

You can feel the heat from those things all the way in the upper deck...

The Dong was out in full, floppy force last week, checking out BOTH Metallica shows at the Allstate Arena in Chicago. Fisting Andrew Golata rocked a press box at the first show (they let him in despite his affiliation with our disreputable website) and sat among real journalists, while I (Keggs) and Ba went for the cheap seats on Tuesday, and sat next to a lot of fat stupid people.

Opening Acts:

F.A.G.-  The Sword came out with some sludgy, PBR-style '70s metal that I'm pretty sure Black Sabbath already wrote.  I can't listen to shit like this since I quit doing drugs.  Machine Head (one of my all-time fav's) only played 4 songs, but they seemed angry and piss drunk, and their very presence on this tour was a brave move on Metallica's part.  Grade= B

Keggs- I wish I could have heard the music a little better (Allstate has pretty bad acoustics) and we missed The Sword opening, but Machine Head was solid.  Grade= C+

Ba- I have just learned that the sheisty acoustics for the first two opening acts were acts of sabotage by Metallica. Metallica 1, other people 0. It was quite fun to make up lyrics since I couldn't hear a fucking thing. In their third song, Machine Head sung about a Unicorn that had fantastic balls. Grade = C

Music:

Keggs - I give the setlist a solid A (we got to hear "Whiplash", which gave me a stiffy) and thought they sounded better than when I saw them last, in 2000. James was awesome and they didn't play anything from Load/ReLoad/St. Anger.  There was lots of new stuff, which sounded great and arguably better live...  Grade= A

F.A.G.-  SIX songs from the new album!??!??!!!  What in the fucking shit hell is this shit!??  I understand the message here ("we're back, we're relevant again, etc."), but 6 long-ass songs from a new record is totally uncalled for. Especially when it means less songs from Master Of Puppets.  No "Whiplash" at the Monday show, but "Motorbreath" was a worthy substitute for an encore (although I could have done without Hetfield's "denim vest with no shirt" costume change).  Grade= C+/B-

Ba - I actually liked that they played a lot of their new shit. Let's face it, the stuff was created to be played live. "Broken Beat and Scarred" and "All Nightmare Long" were just fantastic. I had no problems with Hetfield this time (no retarded yodeling) and they actually sounded better this time than they did ten years ago. I'm not sure Metallica is a "novelty" band quite yet; they still play pretty fiercely and Rob is a great addition to the live sound. I'm mixed about the intentional non-inclusion of Load/Reload stuff. Yes, it sucks in comparison to their classic catalogue but we can't throw away songs like "Bleeding Me" and "Outlaw Torn." Grade = A-

Show:

Keggs - Laser light show? What is this, 1995? The stage was small and looked more like amature hour than a big ticket. Props were minimal (4 huge rotating coffins) and no other moving parts like a spinning stage for the drummer, etc. They also threw out some super-gay inflated black balls at the end of the show for the fans to knock around/steal. However, there was lots of fire. Fire is awesome. Grade= B

F.A.G. - One thing that immediately struck me was the post-rehab, family-friendly (possibly born-again?) James Hetfield. Most of tonight's stage banter was some variation of "Metallica loves Chicago. Chicago loves Metallica. Yeah!"  Lobotomized.  He almost sounded like Mongo from Blazing Saddles:  "Metallica just pawn in game of life."  I don't think he cussed once all night.  For reference, James Hetfield is supposed to sound like this:

Also, I second what Keggers said about the laser show and the inflatables.  That shit?  Gay.   Grade= C

Ba - Nothing much to add here. I was a big fan of the laser lights/fog combination which mixed for a faux horizon of clouds; that they came out of coffins made it much cooler. Come on, man - lazers coming out of coffins is fucking awesome. I don't think there was a bad seat in the house considering All-state is not so huge. A point that should not be missed is that since the smoking ban in Illinois, concerts are enjoyable again! There was a refugee camp of smokers freezing their balls off outside the arena. Serves you right, pigfuckers. Let me also add that the "no smoking" ban clearly did not pertain to weed - of which there was plenty to be had in the arena. Grade = B

Crowd/Energy:

Keggs - Great energy, the place was totally rocking. Best part of the show by far, lots of moshing, headbanging and fist pumping action. Crowd was deafening. I was pretty sure the 12 year old sitting in front of me was going to have an aneurysm (or his dad had his hands down his pants). Grade= A+

Ba - Half were newcomers, and half were AARP members. All were loud, all were trailer trash. Grade = A

F.A.G. -  Three words: Registered sex offenders.  Grade= A+

Intangibles:

F.A.G. - Rubbing elbows with the bassist from Chicago metal legends Trouble, as well as Charlie Benante from Anthrax.  I also saw a guy who may or may not have been Dr. Phil Towle from Some Kind Of Monster, no doubt upset that the band didn't play any St. Anger tunes.  Grade= A+

Keggs - I got to sit next to Ba, which was awesome and nobody spit on us or tried to put their cigarette out on Ba's face, like the last time we were at a show together. Traffic wasn't bad, parking wasn't bad and we even had an empty seat to throw our jackets. The only thing missing was free booze and some free strippers. Actually, I got a free beer... (thanks Ba). Grade = A

Ba - I can't help but think of the Metallica concert in Rockford a decade ago , where people got stuck in a cornfield for 5 hours before they could leave. Traffic was handled well, the show worked like clockwork (opening at 7:30, next band at 8:00, Metallica at 8:45). Vibe was great - the only thing I regrettably missed was the tit show. For this alone, I must give the grade of a B+. 

I hope you enjoyed our Arts & Entertainment feature. Next week:  Midget Porn: Can you actually spin them?

Bonus clip! Live from the show:

Hammett Hero

Interesting. Apparently, the Death Magnetic CD sound quality pales in comparison to...wait for it...the Guitar Hero versions of the same tracks. Listen for yourself (if it's not showing up in High Quality, follow the link and then try - easier to discern that way).

I also like this quote from Ted Jensen, the head engineer at Sterling Sound (who mastered the album): "I’m not proud to be associated with this one, and we can only hope that some good will come from this in some form of backlash against volume above all else."

Can you tell the difference?

Luols Dong Arts and Entertainment: Metallica

Nothing says "It's been 5 years since the last Metallica album" quite like another Metallica album. If you're like me, you've spent the time since 2003's horrid St. Anger watching porno, sitting in traffic court, and generally not giving 1/16 of a fuck about anything this band does. But the band's new album Death Magnetic -- produced by bearded genius Rick Rubin and being hyped as a return to "old school Metallica" -- has been the subject of much speculation here at Luol's Dong.

Surprisingly, the hype is mostly warranted. Magnetic comes off as the logical sequel to 1988's And Justice For All, arguably the band's last "great" album. These songs are long as fuck (10 tracks in 74 minuntes?!?!) and musically complex, possibly even more so than the band's Justice-era compositions. Rubin's super-dry production also harkens back to that album. All the excesses of Bob Rock-era Metallica -- lame harmony vocals, keyboards, tambourines, bongos, etc. -- are nowhere to be found here. Instead, there is a focus on twisted thrash riffing and convoluted structures that honestly, nobody thought they still had in them.

James Hetfield is in much-improved form vocally, soundling less like the drunken hick who yodeled his way through "Turn The Page" and slightly more like the guy who sang "Blackened" 20 years ago. The guitar riffs tend to be thrash-based and executed with precision, and I'm assuming we have him to thank for that as well. Guitarist Kirk Hammett rises from the grave after a 10-year-absence, playing the solo from "Whiplash" in every song (hey, it's better than nothing). New-ish bassist Rob Trujillo makes his studio debut on this record, but in true Metallica fashion, you can't hear him for shit. Lars Ulrich actually bothered to tune his drums this time around (thanks buddy!) and manages to not suck too badly throughout the album.

But what about the songs, you ask? For the most part, they combine elements of classic Metallica work (thrash riffs, double bass drumming, complex arrangements) with a couple new elements along the way. Opener "That Was Just Your Life" begins with a soft-to-loud intro in the vein of "Battery" or "Fight Fire with Fire," and then kicks out some rapid-fire riffs that almost make me forgive them for their last 3 albums. The other tracks mostly follow suit, with "All Nightmare Long" and "Broken, Beat & Scarred" being particularly furious.

The album does take a few unfortunate detours into ballad territory -- "Day That Never Comes" is a half-assed rewrite of "One", and "Unforgiven III" proves that there's no good Part III's ever, except for Die Hard: With A Vengeance. However, they redeem themselves with album closer "My Apocalypse," by far the thrashiest (and shortest) track on the album -- I shit you not, this song alone has some of the best riffs of the band's career, and the section in the middle of it makes me want to smash my copy of ReLoad. With my forehead.

Could the production have been better? Yeah. Does some of the material sound contrived? Sure. Does it seem "convenient" that Metallica returns to thrash metal, just as that style is enjoying some retro popularity? You bet your ass. But regardless of all that, this record still blows away any and all expectations anyone could have had. These guys are easily 90 years old and this could be their last album, but if you've got to go, Death Magnetic is not a bad way to go out.

And until Hetfield grows back the mustache, I refuse to call this a comeback.

Luols Dong Arts and Entertainment: Metallica

These days, Metallica are probably best known for playing in giant NASCAR stadiums, suing their own fans, and releasing an album of complete dogshit every 5 years or so. But as unbelievable as it may seem now, Metallica used to be one of the most fearsome bands in the land. Their '80s albums are indisputable thrash classics, and their live shows were the stuff of legend (don't even get me started about the time I saw them with Danzig and Suicidal Tendencies in '94).

Even though Metallica has sucked for nearly 20 years, there is a lot of interest in their upcoming album Death Magnetic, which is supposed to be a "return to form" for the band (just like the last 3 albums were.) So when they debuted a new track, "Cyanide," at last week's Ozzfest, many were curious, including a bunch of us here at the Dong. Does it recapture their former glory? Or does it just suck ass? Luol's Dong Arts & Entertainment presents an in-depth, blow-by-blow review. Hit "play" below and follow along.

0:57= The intro shows some promise. I'm not reaching for the lotion just yet, but at least this sounds somewhat heavy, and that's a good thing.

1:15= Bass and drum break. Since there are no guitars or vocals, I can only assume that this is the part of the song where James Hetfield pounds about 20 shots of Jagermeister. Yes, I know this part is only about 5 seconds long.

1:20= If this is the song's main riff, I'm not impressed. This riff might be OK if you're some bar band, maybe. A 14 year old could have written this. Suddenly I am losing my erection. Here comes another riff -- oh wait, this one is generic as hell too.

1:42= Hetfield, now completely wasted on Jager, begins hollering about death and a bunch of crap that don't make no goddamn sense. I'm sure there's a melody somewhere in here, but it mostly sounds like some goofy drunk shouting at you. And if you wanted that, you'd go visit your stepdad, right? Right.

1:43 to 5:27 = I got bored and made a sandwich.

5:28 to 6:00 = Clearly suffering from Alzheimers, guitarist Kirk Hammett plays the solo from "Ride The Lightning" by accident. Drummer/cokehead Lars Ulrich tries to get his attention by playing out of time and making silly mistakes.

6:01= NOW we're getting somewhere! The guys wake up long enough to deliver some kickass harmony guitars. This is pretty awes--- oh wait, it's over now. Then they play all the other parts of the song over again, in case you showed up late to the concert or something.

So there you have it. "Return to form" indeed -- if by "form" you mean a poorly written, boring-ass song where you have to wait 6 minutes for the only cool part. This track is kind of like those weird crunch things from Taco Bell: you have no idea how it got put together, and you don't really care because it leaves the taste of crap in your mouth. If this song is any indication, Death Magnetic will chug more penis than that hooker who hangs out in my alley. Time to hang it up, dudes.