DIABEETUS!

Diabeetus!

I am in complete shock. Not only did the Bears acquire the best damned diabetic QB in football, but they singlehandedly changed the future outlook for the next few seasons in less than a few hours. Here's the skinny:

MOVE #1

Acquired: QB Jake Cutler, 5th round pick

Lost: QB Kyle Orton, two 1st round picks and a 3rd round pick

Grade: A-

First of all, without Cutler, we for SURE spend one of those 1st round picks on a QB who won't pan out - maybe both picks. Considering our luck with 1st round picks in general, getting rid of them doesn't hurt too much. I'll miss Orton and his neckbeard more than you'll ever know, but the idea of utilizing Hester downfield with accurate throwing is just too good for me to pass up.

If Cutler manages to merge into our offense seamlessly and improve the team the way we all hope he does, no one is going to miss Orton or the draft picks. He can throw with accuracy, has great pocket presence, and is young enough to be our leader for seasons to come.

In that same vein, if Cutler somehow has a shitty year, it might (FINALLY) put some pressure on our seemingly invincible offensive coordinator. I would gladly take an off-year from our offense to ensure Ron Turner's departure.

The one potential downside is that other than having Diabeetus, Cutler has been proven to be a whiny bitch. Coming to a new town with that rep can go down one of two roads - you can either be like the Dennis Rodman's and AJ Pierzynski's of the world (beloved by Chicago and vice versa), or you can be the Cedric Benson's and David Wells' (whiny bitches hated by all). Hopefully Cutler works out as the former.

MOVE #2

Acquired: LT Orlando Pace

Lost: Money, John St. Clair

Grade: B-

Pace has been around for an eternity - he's still got talent, but he's so injury prone it's not even funny. I remember in NFL 2K2 I would always get him for my squad only to discover that he had mysteriously broken his hand or something EVERY SEASON. It's so sad that it's actually true.

Pace is a big upgrade over St Clair in terms of potential awesomeness, but in reality, he's not going to perform much better in the longrun. He just doesn't have the gas in the tank. Even so, three years locked up with Pace is better than I could have hoped for going into the season without a LT on the line.

NEXT MOVE:

Acquired: WR Torry Holt

Oh Dear God, Please No

I don't even want to talk about this travest-sham-mockery right now. Terrible passing and Orton is out for at least a month?

Sigh.

Belated Orton Praise

"MY ROYAL CAPE FLOWS LIKE MY ROYAL JELLY!"

Just a quickie - Kyle Orton is better at beating up on the Lions than I am. This is not saying much, but at least it gives us another week to gloat about how good he's playing. He honestly looked like he thought he was redshirted, because he was setting up his plays like he had no pressure and it was just another practice. Accurate deep balls, stepping into his throws, and lots of poise.

Make us proud, Kyle, keep winning, and I'll have to find more things to add to this photo.

What The...

I HAVE A SCEPTER NOW! KNEEL BEFORE YOUR KING!

I don't quite know how it happened, but the Bears beat the superior and less mistake-prone Eagles. Not only did we win with some surprisingly clutch defensive plays, but our drunken savior threw for three touchdowns. Three! That's, like, half as good as Brett Favre! If that doesn't deserve some additional bling for Ortonia, I don't know what does.

Granted, the touchdowns that were caught were all receiver efforts to catch up to shitty passes (especially the diving play by Olsen to catch up to a total turd). Orton spread the ball around as usual, ensuring that no Bears receiver closes in on fantasy relevance. Likewise, having a receiver as fast as Hester allows Orton to overthrow passes without fear. This may finally be a consistent way for him to stretch the field.

Oh, and I think Brandon Lloyd got hurt, but I didn't really get a chance to get the scoop on it what with Charles Tillman getting hurt every 5 seconds. Is it just me, or does he wind up being "helped off the field" at least once every game?

Ugh - Bearing Down Indeed

"BERNARD GO BYE BYE IN SKY NOW!"

Well, if Sunday's suckfest taught us anything, it's that this offense wouldn't be any better with Bernard Berrian right now. Not only is Berrian nursing some aches and pains, but I don't think even Devin Hester could catch up to Orton's overthrown passes. Berrian, we miss your time spent in the Grossman era, but having you here does nothing.

Also, Brandon Lloyd made some Orton turds look, well, catchable. I especially like the badly underthrown one (which one was that?) he caught behind his helmet for a big gain. If you were listening to the game on radio (or on TV for you blind readers out there that get the Dong in your daily Braille Mail), all you heard was "look at the great adjustment Lloyd made on that pass by Orton." In English, that means that Lloyd had to change directions in mid-air and backtrack for an underthrown wobbler.

Still, how about that second half line, eh? Aaron Rodgers can suck it!

Our Fearless Leader

Pizza Hut! Pizza Hut! YAAAAAAY!!!

Did we seriously just embarrass the Colts last night? The Colts run game that anally abused us in the Superbowl we held to less than 50 yards on the night - pretty good when the main guy there is Joseph Addai. Not only that, but we pressured Manning on every play (granted, with Saturday out, a rookie Center is not going to help him any) and even grabbed him for a few Bursa Sacks.

The headlines you'll be reading today will be talking about Matt Forte and our defense, and how without them we'd have been screwed last night. I'll tell you a different story - one about a man with poise and quick thinking who led this team to victory. He converted on 3rd downs where we needed them most, and kept the offense cool and level-headed in a tight situation. You know who I'm talking about...

"DANCE FOR ME, MY QUEEN!"

5 Notes From Last Night's Preseason Game

DANCE FOR ME, COURT JESTER!

Just some quick tidbits about last night's game:

#1. Neckstacy: Orton put up a very Orton-esque line of 10-17, 147yrds and 2 TD. Efficient, short passing? Sure, and then there was that 55-yarder to Rasheid Davis. Really, it's hard to complain when you get ANY sort of productivity behind the Swiss cheese we call an offensive line. Getting 2 TD's from any Bears QB (with our "intensely taleneted recievers") is just a bonus. Keep it up, and I might have to add a sceptre to that pic above.

#2. Kevin Jones lives! Jones only had 3 carries, but he made them count (especially the impressive 34 yrd gain he pulled). I don't think Jones is healthy enough to be starting (and the Bears seem to agree), but I'll bet we can see a lot of two-RB sets for the Bears this year. Between Forte and the crew, more passing options for Orton to dump off to is a good thing (and KJ has hands).

#3. Daniel Manning is a beast. If anything bad happens to Hester (like letting him play offense...yeesh), Manning looked like a more than capable replacement. Two kick returns for 171 (but no scores) says a lot.

#4. Our defense = ha. We knew Frank Gore was going to sexually molest us - he's pretty much a lock to do it. But pretty much EVERYone who touched the ball on their side of the field averaged 4.5 yards per carry. That's just not a good sign. Also, we got torched by JT O'Sullivan...he's an ex-third stringer on the LIONS for crying out loud! Now throw in the fact that the 49ers were without a good chunk of their TEAM (WR Arnaz Battle, WR Bryant Johnson, RB DeShaun Foster, RT Jonas Jennings, LG Adam Snyder), and it becomes pretty pathetic that we couldn't shut down an already unimpressive team. These guys need to step it up.

#5. Grossman was booed after his first incompletion, and went a paltry 1-4 for 6 yards. Granted, not a whole lot of time with the offense, but it looks like the only "unleashing of the dragon" will be from the bench while watching tape (read: porn).

The Neckbeard Cometh

I'm not sure what I'm leaning on, but DAMN I make it look good!

It's going to be a year of softly thrown short passes and inaccurate mid-range tosses for the Bears, as Kyle Orton was officially named the starting QB. Due to Orton's poise in what we can pretend to call a "pocket" (I prefer to call it a time bomb), as well as his quick thinking (Mean people coming! Kyle get rid of ball now!), we're now in Ortonia, and he is our king.

I'm sure Kyle is studying that playbook hard right now...

"Hey, I'm fucking royalty now or something like that. Who wants to fuck royalty? YEAH!"