Why Haven't We Acquired Jack Parkman Yet?!

He looks so good in that uniform...

I don't know how many of you out there know your White Sox history as well as I do, but with this season finishing it's slow crawl into the shitter, it's time to get us a real legend. A man who gets into other players' heads, plays with a fire in his belly, and also can crush a breaking pitch will leading us to the ALCS.

I'm talking, of course, about Jack Parkman.

For those of you that don't recall, Jack Parkman is the superhuman ex-Indians player in the excellent Major League 2 who comes to play for the Sox and carries them to the ALCS with his chain-smoking, pitch destroying mannerisms. Also, his shimmy makes the ladies in Cleveland puke.

Speaking from a pure statistical standpoint, I tracked the performance of Mr. Parkman throughout the entirety of Major League 2.

Parkman starts the movie batting 1.000 in the 6th inning after only 3 hits on the board, and (we are told by Bob Uecker) is 2-2 with runners on the corners. See above. Unsurprisingly, Parkman destroys the pitch for a 3-run homerun.

Parkman: 1.000 AVG, 1R, 1 HR, 3 RBI

Parkman gets traded to the Sox, and vanishes from the movie until the ALCS.

In ALCS game 3, Parkman (somehow on base) steamrolls Indians catcher Becker in a play at the plate, scoring a run. It's unclear how he got on base without a homerun, but use your imagination, people. Parkman gets another homer in the game (against Vaughn), a 3-run shot to end the game. In game 4 of the ALCS, Parkman gets another HR (not off Vaughn) in what appears to be a solo shot.

Parkman: 1.000 AVG (4-4), 4 R, 3 HR, 7 RBI

Finally, we get to the pivotal scene of the movie, the final showdown between Parkman and Vaughn. Bob Uecker says Parkman is hitting just over .900 against Vaughn, meaning that there was an out at some point in time.

Using basic logic, that would mean that Parkman (who has at least 1 home run against Vaughn as per the playoffs), would need to have at least 10 at-bats against Vaughn in order to compile a percentage higher than .900. For the sake of argument, let's assume that Parkman played all but one series of Sox-Indians while on the Sox. Given that there are generally 5 sets of games played between the two teams over the course of a season, that would imply that Parkman played roughly 12 games against the Indians (4 series).

You're looking at Vaughn pitching a maximum of one time per series. Let's assume that the stars align, and Vaughn pitches to Parkman in every series. That means that there are roughly 12 at-bats of Vaughn against Parkman (minimum of 3 ABs each game, 4 Vaughn starts). For the math to work out nicely here, we assume that Parkman is 11 for 12 against Vaughn over the course of the regular season (for a more-than-respectable .916 AVG against Vaughn).

Parkman: .937 AVG (15-16) 4 R, 3 HR, 7 RBI

As a result, when Vaughn gets his pivotal K at the end of the movie (Spoiler Alert!), we get a final line on Parkman for the film:

Parkman: .882 AVG (15-17) 4 R, 3 HR, 7 RBI, 1K

HOW MUCH DOES THIS GUY WANT IN FREE AGENCY AND WHY WON'T KENNY WILLIAMS OPEN HIS WALLET!??!

Preseason Update

1) Jay Cutler looks skinny. Not better, but skinny. Hey, at least there's less of him to hit.

2) I hope Johnny Knox kills Roy Williams in his sleep. Pillow case and some bars of soap... whatever it takes. I haven't hated a Bears player this much since Cedric Benson was out getting drunk on a boat and punching civilians.

3) Our secondary is severely undersized. Tim Jennings is 5'8, DJ Moore, 5'9, Major Wright, 5'11. If we can't get consistent, quick pressure from our D-line, we're going to get torched over the middle, especially by big receivers (Calvin Johnson (twice), Colsten, Finley (twice), Mike Williams, Vincent Jackson, Bowe - all on the schedule).

4) Marion Barber should be putting Chester Taylor out of work any day now. This is a good thing, being that Barber is actually good and Taylor is not. I'd consider Taylor one of the worst signings we've had in a long time (we paid him $7M guaranteed of a $12M, 4-year deal. Gag.).

5) The offensive line looked pretty solid against a strong Giants pass rush. Carimi, Williams and Garza are better suited to pass-blocking and the group is starting to show some cohesion.If they can buy time for routes to develop, the Martz's offense will look a lot better. Everyone forgets that Kurt Warner had a great O-line in 01 with Orlando Pace, Adam Timmerman, Ryan Tucker and Marshall Faulk was one of the best blitz pick-up guys in the league.

Next preseason game is against the Titans on the 27th - I'd keep an eye on Roy Williams... apparently its put up or shut up time.

-KEG

Pics from the intertube

Big Gabe Carimi cutting weight. Smells like bagels and lox

The sex cannon is already in rare form... (By the way, I'd bet you he has better stats this season than Cutler. Not kidding.)

My favorite couple ever.

STEPHANIE!

Thanks to Erasmo Cortez

Man, I love being able to wake up everyday and get ready to the sounds of Stephanie Abrams on The Weather Channel. I’d never had cable or anything before but when we gotDIRECTSTARTV.com satellite I was tuned in all day long and now I can’t stop! I listen to her soothing voice while I’m brushing my teeth and getting dressed and all I can say is WOW, Stephanie, are you single? She’s the prettiest girl on TV right now if you ask me and she’s so smart…that makes her all the more attractive! I really wish I lived in Atlanta so I could try and get to know her but alas, I guess I’m stuck watching her talk about heat waves and weather patterns from the comfort of my own home. I guess that’s not too bad! Anyway, Stephanie, if you’re reading this you should look me up – I promise I’m not a total weirdo! I just have the biggest crush on you and I love what you’re doing over there at The Weather Channel.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BEARS!?

Knox, en route

Bears, what the hell are you doing?

I just don't understand you guys sometimes. Getting Roy Williams was a step in the right direction (bring in some "veteran" presence to an otherwise young and inexperienced WR corps), but demoting Knox to 4th wideout on the depth chart?

Let's do a little number crunch, shall we?

In 2010-2011, Knox had 51 catches for 960 yards and 5 TDs. When you remove the 2 Todd Collins starts, you get 49 catches for 920 yards and 5 TDs in 14 games. Last I checked, that's pretty respectable production for a WR in a ragtag group.

Knox will be sitting behind people who put up the following statlines:

Devin Hester: 40 catches for 475 yards and 4 TDs

Roy Williams: 37 catches for 530 yards and 5 TDs

And I'd like to remind all of you that "In His Prime", Hester was the 1A receiver on the 2008 and 2009 teams. Neither one of those years did he come close to Knox's numbers last year.

And now, some Grade-A defense from Carlos Boozer

I don't care if this is from 8 years ago - it's still 100% accurate.

Shaking my head...

Do you know who you're talking to?

Didn't know Justin Beiber and JC share clothing...

I wasn't going to comment on this whole wedding breakup story (because it's asinine) but get a load of this:

So how was his relationship with former fiancee Kristin? “Kristin would call Jay a loser and a p**sy, and she’d scream it at him so everyone could hear. They would have fights about Jay being too conceited. They would also argue over how mean he was to people. She would make a point of saying hello to people in the hall, just to piss him off,” our insider laughingly tells us.

In January, they got into a big blow-out argument after Jay injured his knees during the NFL playoffs. He was diagnosed with a MCL sprain. “Kristin called Jay out, saying she thought he was faking the injury and told him he was worthless.”

If I'm the superstar franchise QB of the historic Chicago Bears, do I really need to listen to this verbal diarrhea from a 3rd rate reality TV castoff? I'm not saying JC has the right to be an asshole to everyone but he certainly doesn't need to come home from a long day at work, mostly comprised of 300 pound men trying to tear his limbs off for 3 hours, and get called "a worthless conceited pussy" by anyone, let alone some unaccomplished attention whore.

No doubt JC is a crappy boyfriend (human being?). I mean, look at this face:

He just found out he got a $50M contract.

Yawn.

He may be all the adjectives listed above but being exceptionally rich and famous generally allows you to create your own reality - including one without a nagging, ball-busting wife. (Yes, life is ultimately unfair. Sorry.)

Hey, at least we signed Roy Williams!

-KEG

Williams Deals, MLB Reels

For some reason, I always assumed that a beard was digitally removed from this image.

Well, that was quick!

In the blink of an eye, the Sox traded Mark Teahen and Edwin Jackson to get Jason Frasor and Zach Stewart. For those of you looking for a reason to complain, the Sox dealt Jackson (who is in the midst of the best season of his career) and a utility man for a relief pitcher (not something we need) and a prospect.

I couldn't even sell this as Devil's Advocate. I fucking love this trade.

Pros:

• Gigantic Salary Dump
• Adds a RHP to bullpen (Bruney isn't exactly legit - Frasor is)
• Frees up roster space for DeAza (and we saw how that worked out)
• Gains Type B FA in Frasor
• Gets Humber back into rotation

Cons:

• Weakens offensive bench versatility (does it really?)
• Lose Type A FA in Jackson
• Didn't get more for them

All in all, this is a great deal. The Sox bullpen is now truly filthy (Sale-Thornton-Frasor-Santos-Crain...holy shit), and Omar Vizquel was a better platoon partner than Teahen anyways. The move also allows the Sox to keep Lillibridge on the roster (also better than Teahen) while taking a free roll of the dice on Stewart.

The biggest "risk" here is that we lose offensive pop at 3B - it's between Vizquel and Morel now, and honestly, Teahen wasn't doing much there anyways. I would rather have the rock-solid defense. No one remembers, but the 2005 White Sox didn't exactly have a power offense either. 2 runs is enough to win a game if the pitching is there.

The real question is what does Kenny do with Quentin? He's on a hot streak right now, and this is probably the highest his value is going to get. The Phillies have also been drooling over him. The Sox have a 2012 option on him too, so it's not just a quickie rental for an interested team. Lillibridge can fill in while Viciedo heals, and then it's time for the Tank to get some at-bats. Not sure what we would get, but I suspect it would also be a cash-freeing move.

If only someone would take Rios...

I thought Cubs fans were the dumb ones...

We're all in...sadly

This is bad.

Let's take a minute to realize what's going on here:

#1. The Cubs are terrible, the NL Central is a joke, and the PIRATES are in first place. Ergo, there will be no more Cubs discussion this year. Expect Fukudome to be traded along with Marlon Byrd and whatever else can get jettisoned.

#2. The AL Central is a crapshoot. Despite a hot start, the Indians have given way to the Tigers (1.5 game lead), who are only 4 games ahead of the Sox and 6 games ahead of the Twins. This is really anybody's game except for the Royals, who haven't been a factor in 20 years.

#3. The Sox have yet to get above .500.

So really, we have a lot of work to do before we can start talking about how the Sox are still "in it."

The major problems we have had are that money is being invested in abysmal performances. Dunn, Rios, and Teahen were all supposed to be worth their paychecks. Dunn was projected to hit over 40 HRs, Rios to have a .270 BA, and Teahen to bring some lumber. How's that working out for us? Oh yeah - it's pretty bad.

The other thing is that we're pretty stacked with these bad performances. It's one thing when you've got bad players making big money, it's another when they're blocking good youth from playing. Currently, everyone is stroking themselves numb about Viciedo and De Aza and we frankly have no room to bring them up. We have Brent Morel splitting time with Teahen, and Lillibridge fighting Quentin for playing time.

And we can't trade anyone.

Oh yes, we have holes to fill. We need a better CF. We need a better catcher (I like AJ, but come on). We need a better RF, and we can put whatever's left at DH. But let's face it, Dunn and Rios cannot be moved. Even if you bench them for the rest of the season, you need to trade pieces to make room for them.

The only possible pieces I can see the Sox moving are Quentin and Edwin Jackson. Jackson became expendable when Humber came to life (at a fraction of the cost), and Quentin seems to have peaked. I mean, yeah, the guy can carry you when he's hot, but when was the last time that happened? Quentin should be filling the role of DH or LF on a team, not RF.

Let's do a hypothetical here. Let's say that the Braves make a move for Quentin, and the Sox get some prospects. Viciedo gets the call up, plays RF. Is that actually better than Quentin starting there?