This offense needs...

...Urlacher?!

According to Ron Turner, the Bears offense needs a playmaker. According to the rest of the world, the Bears offense needs less of Ron Turner. Since Ron Turner apparently has more say about the offense than we do (...damn), we need to listen to his suggestions to get a big "Playmaker Receiver."

What could a big-name receiver possibly do here? We can't even utilize the talent we already have, and the Bears have never been a big gunslinging team like the Packers, Cowboys, or any team Kurt Warner has played on. We already have a deep threat in Hester, but we just can't utilize him. Is it because he's too slow to get open? Please.

The real issue, and I hate to say it, lies with Kyle "Neckbeard" Orton. When it comes to passing 15 yards or less, Orton is ideal for our offense. He plays smart, his short passes are accurate, he doesn't make a lot of mistakes, and he's generally fast enough in his decisions to make our offensive line look better than they really are.

The problem, really, is when Orton has to throw more than 15 yards. Unlike Grossman, Orton doesn't throw the wounded duck passes nearly as often (resulting in the fabled Retarded Ostrich), but he can't really air it out like Grossman could either. The deep ball is not served in Ortonia - his long balls are underthrown, wobbly, and generally off-target. As a result, the Bears don't (successfully) take many downfield chances.

If Turner wants a bigger receiving threat, he needs to start with the QB. If there's no deep pass to stretch the field, it means that the only consistent passing options Orton has are short dump-offs to Forte and quick outs to Olsen. As a matter of fact, I think I just described 70% of Kyle's completed passes in 2008.

The only available receiver I can think of that can turn any shitty pass into gold is Anquan "Team Player" Boldin. If, for some reason, the Bears decide to throw the rest of their cap room at Boldin, far be it from me to complain.

Otherwise, certain names come to mind as possible replacements (Matt "Brady Lite" Cassell, Byron Leftwich, Kurt Warner), but then you run into trouble with protecting the QB - does anyone remember how much Chris Chandler got railed when he was here? Spending more money/players on someone who may not be able to adjust to a shitty gameplan (see: Cassell) could be disastrous.

Please, Bears, play it safe. Draft a WR in the first round to make yourselves happy, and then spend the rest of the picks on O-Line and defensive players (at least you can draft those well). Hell, draft a QB late to pretend that you're going to groom him to compete with Caleb Hanie - I don't care. Hopefully, 2009 will bring more hope than this year did.

Jose Criptreras

Get off my dang lawn! Friggin' kids!

After a successful 15-day stint on the DL, Contreras took a few steps off the sofa, got in a cab to U.S. Cellular, and promptly ruptured his achilles tendon after running from the mound to first base. My theory? He had just started to get into Mythbusters and didn't want to miss any of the new season.

More importantly, with Criptreras on the DL (again), we're looking for another starter. Rupturing the achilles likely puts Jose out for the entire year, including any playoff games that apply. Not only do the Sox need to make an immediate move to get a body into the rotation, they need to make a secondary move to shore up an exhausted - and ultimately lacking - bullpen. Amazingly, the Sox acted quickly, acquiring Horacio Ramirez from the Royals. Ramirez is having a good season (2.59 ERA, 0.90 WHIP), but we all know how trades with Kansas City for bullpen pitchers turn out. The Sox have sent both Boone Logan and Josh Fields to AAA, so there's two open spots even after Ramirez gets here (although one is expected to be filled by Crede when he gets off the DL).

That said, here are a few options:

#1. DJ Carrasco to the rotation, Sox call up Aaron Poreda to replace Carrasco's long-relief role. Probably the most likely solution (maybe not Poreda, but you get the idea). Carrasco has excelled in the long relief role, pitching almost a full start for Jose today, and has had great success. Calling up Poreda also gives the Sox a taste of whether or not Poreda can fill the long-relief role, give the bullpen some rest, and reward his dominance in AA.

#2. Sox call up Lance Broadway to fill 5th starter role. Clayton Richard didn't work out, so it's on to the next prospect. Broadway has been waiting for his chance for a while, and he could probably give himself a job for next season if he gets the job done here.

#3. Sox call up someone else in a taste-test role. Possible options include Justin Cassell (AAA), Wes Whisler (AAA), Mike Macdougal (HELL), Poreda, Richard, Charlie Haeger, Toma Ohka, Jack Egbert, or maybe even Jon Link (AA). We suddenly have a lot of options!

#4. Sox get another body off the wire. Options include old-school (Freddy Garcia, Esteban Loaiza) and new school (I hear Cedric Benson is available...)

One thing is for sure - Jose Contreras' contract is turning into one of the biggest clusterfuck moves EVER. At least we won't be calling up Dewon Day...

A Meeting with Ron Turner

"I knit this tie myself."

[Enter Turner to Soldier Field filled with Bears players]

Turner: OK guys, I know we had a bit of a rough season, but I think with the proper coaching we can set things right. Being a good offensive coordinator comes down to one thing -- the ability to coordinate.

Let's start at our major weak spot -- Hester.

Hester: What?!

Turner: Devin, I'm sorry, but defenses are going to be expecting us to use you, so we have to keep you out of the offense as much as possible. But that doesn't mean we can't utilize you to your full potential as a contributing member of the team! Here's my car keys -- why don't you go pump me some gas? You're going to be riding the bench for the rest of next year anyways.

Hester: Whatever, man [Leaves]

Turner: Now, for our next order of business, we need to get a real sparkplug in our offense...how about you, Curtis?

Enis: I don't even know how I got here! Some guy paid me $5 to touch my toes and then touch my dick, and when I woke up, I was here!

Turner: No matter. You're going to be our star player, Curtis. We can build the offense around you, as no one will suspect a running game from us this year. It was my plan last year to make our running game pathetic and worthless, and now it will pay off big time in 2008!

Benson: What about me?

Turner: Cedric, I think you would be best utilized as our punt returner instead of Hester. With you returning punts, we won't have to worry about the kicker kicking it out of bounds -- we'll have a chance to run the ball back every play!

Benson: But...I'm not as good of a return man as Hester.

Turner: Of course not! But at least we'll have more OPPORTUNITIES to return punts! Now go take that ego boost and use it to ask for a contract extension. Bwahahaha!!!

Bernard Berrian: [Aside] We gotta get Hester back in here, he'd know how to stop this madman...

[Berrian leaves, cut to outside where Devin Hester is pumping gas]

Hester: What does that asshole want now?

Berrian: Devin, we gotta stop this guy -- it's out of control!

Hester: Ok, I have a plan (inaudible whispering)

[Cut back to field]

Turner [Frothing at mouth]: Yes! Yes! And then we'll start a four TE front with Olsen, Clark and Gibson!

Olsen: That's only three.

Turner: Exactly! Then we'll start Rex at TE! No defense would be expecting that!

Hester: [From behind] OK guys! Now! Die you sonofabitch!


Turner: AUGH!!! I'm melting! Melting! Oh what a world, what a world...