Long Live the Dong

The TWO....PUMP.... CHIZZI!!!!!

You can't buy pride...

-KEG

Chatting...

I thought the Dong nation would enjoy my afternoon exchange with the TPC via gchat.

Lucky fuck is going the Bulls game tonight, probably courtside (he mooched a friend of mine from college, cheap fuck can't even find his own hooked-up friends).

I've also taken the liberty of annotating the conversation for your reading pleasure.

Enjoy:

me: you read bill simmons today?
great fucking article
http://espn.go.com/chicago/story?page=simmons/090423&sportCat=nba
TPC: i cant wait to streak on the court tonight with nothing but my dong shirt on
awesome, simmons is hte man
im so happy the bulls are playing the celts, its great
me: dude - make sure to take some pics of yourself at the game in the dong gear
at least 5 pics
I should have given you some shirts to give away or something...
TPC: i dont have dong gear
maybe ll write on my shirt
luolsdong

*(The TPC is poor as shit. He would have to sell his fan (no AC) or his mini bball hoop (no real hoop) to afford a dong shirt. We are classy, motherfucker.)
me: HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE DONG GEAR?
are we friends?
TPC: i know
me: have you heard of my blog?
TPC: you're my best friend
haha
i am the dong
i plug it more than your asshole
me: Nice

TPC: there is nothing i like more than the dong
me: What about dudes?

TPC: i actually brought it up in coversation over pesach
i didnt tell you

*(We are both filthy Jews, if you didn't know)
my womens cousin is a popular blogger and I told her about my own blogging experiences
shes like really thats great what blog?
and with a totally straight face i told her luolsdong the premeir chicago sports blog
she coughed and was like what?
TPC: and i repeated luolsdong the premier chicago sportsblog
it was awesome
TPC: i told her to add us to her list of blogs she checks
shes got a maternity blog
me: Great fit

*(What do martha stewert, maternity and the dong have in common? That's right, big black cock. )
TPC: can you imagine martha stewart childrens place and the dong?
me: Sure can.
TPC:im pissed i didnt bring it up at the seder
why is this night different?
cause im not checking the dong
me: but it's not different, cause you probably plowed some dude after the seder
TPC: it was the longest stretch ive ever gone without the dong
me: it's semantics, really, but I'm pretty sure this conversation makes you gay
TPC: lol

Everyone keep an eye out for the TPC at tonight's game, wearing a home made dong shirt, probably wrist-deep in some random dudes asshole.

GO BULLS!!!

-KEG

History In The Making

Primitive versions of "Test Your Might"

Ladies and gentlemen, we stand on the cusp of what could be the greatest and most rare occurrence in sports history:

It is very possible that both the Yankees AND Red Sox will miss the playoffs.

For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about - go back to Russia. For the rest of you, let's examine what needs to occur for this wondrous occasion:

#1. In order for this to happen, the Wild Card needs to come from the AL Central. Seeing as the White Sox are .5 games back from the lead (currently held by Boston) as of Sunday morning, this doesn't seem too impossible.

#2. Tampa Bay has to win the AL East. They're about 5 games up on Boston, and have been leading the way all season. Barring a monumental collapse, this seems very likely.

The stakes are high - East Coast cockiness is on full alert since the Pay-tree-uhts shipped the 19-0 hats to Ethiopia, and having their two "sure things" get eliminated from the playoffs would be the finishing blow. I expect the following events to occur if both teams are eliminated:

#1. ESPN's pre-playoffs coverage will focus around the health of Tom Brady, and occasionally point out that each divisional champ is "probably" not much better than the Red Sox. Playoff coverage will almost completely evaporate unless ESPN is covering the game, in which case the announcers will likely committ Seppukku.

#2. Both the Red Sox and Yankees will revert to their old "Win Now" habits of throwing money at their problems. This will continue their losing slide, as they will lose rights to any and all young talent over time.

#3. Joe Girardi will get interviewed daily on what he would have done differently and how he would have guided the Yankees to the postseason.

#4. Best of all, if things start to go sour for the Patriots come October, ESPN will have no choice but to activate Agent Bundchen for one last Brady injury so that they can fill broadcasts with this image (and hopefully write off the season as a "result of a freak accident"):


October can't come soon enough.

Exciting Chicago Bears News

Yeah, not a whole lot going on for the Bears right now. We're playing the 49ers tonight in preseason (which will be an epic battle between the 2 worst offensive teams of all time) and here are few things to watch, assuming you don't gauge your eyes out watching Kyle Orton go 15 for 20 for about 16 yards.

1) Kevin Jones.

KJ used to be a stud on the Lions until he got turf toe, broke his foot, had a few concussions and then destroyed his knee. It will be interesting to see if he's still limited and where he is in overall conditioning. If he's 100%, he can be absolutely dominant (and I am NOT sold on Forte, so this is good news).

2) Rex.

This is the first time in his career that he's been healthy and not the projected starter. It will be interesting to see how he handles himself and if the reduced pressure actually helps his game. I've never seen a quarterback so heavily affected by mental/emotional issues.

3) The D.

We gave up a lot of yards and some points to the Chiefs (ugh) and considering we have an elite group of talent at full strength (Urlacher, Briggs, Harris, Mike Brown, etc) I would be shocked if any of the niners QB's can complete a pass. However, Frank Gore has historically ripped us a new a-hole and this is a good opportunity to raise his fantasy status (teetering on RB 6).



Personally, I'll be watching Matt Forte. If this kid shows some flashes against a decent niner defense, we can all relax a little bit... I love armchair scouting btw:



Added bone-us:

Here is a fantasy draft preview by a world-renowened strategy analyst that has been known to plunge deeply into statistics and orally analyze players with piercing insight.