4/13 Game Notes

Not quite what they meant when they said he uses "gas."

I went to today's game (if you can call it that) against the Tigers, and let me tell you, we may actually have a chance to win our division. I'm putting it out there -- I can't imagine that the Tigers will continue to suck this badly, or that the Indians will not walk all over the division, but it is certainly a possibility at this point.

10 notes from today's game:

#1. New Sox statue. Why? We already know that '05 was an awesome year -- 90% of the ballpark reminds us of it. There's the banner, the segment in the opening video montage, all of memorabilia...enough is enough. Besides -- are we going to have to put up a statue for EVERY World Series we win? This needs to stop.

#2. Today was Kids Day. Parents ruined social lives forever by dressing kids as Scooby Doo, Superman and other outfits...but these kids are sometimes 12. That gets you into some trouble, no? I think that to really make things fun for the kids, they should replace the "Race Scott Podsednik" game on the Fundamentals deck with "Race Toby Hall." You want the kids to win, right? Let a cardboard cutout of Toby "run", using his realistic time of 3.4 minutes to reach the next base. For extra amusement, have the cardboard cutout vomit and damage its shoulder as it finishes. That's quality fun.

#3. Holy shit Chicago is cold. We had great seats (and a broken camera phone), but the sunlight was RETREATING from our seats, meaning we had some brutal chill by the 2nd inning. For all you vendors out there, GET SOME FUCKING HOT CHOCOLATE TO SELL! No one wants to buy a Lemon Chill from you when you can piss into a cup and watch it freeze for free.

#4. Detroit looks awful. We knew that the bullpen would be an issue, but is their rotation really this bad? Rogers was struggling to reach 88 mph, like he was afraid he would go back in time if he threw any faster. The Tigers lineup looked pathetic (and well paid), but that's not even the whole problem. Just a total collapse by the Tiggies today.

#5. Some guy proposed at the game. He had Southpaw come over (WTF is Southpaw, anyways?) and then he dropped to one knee and proposed. Then Southpaw gave them some merch, and went off to hi-five some kids. How big of a tool do you have to be to not use the JumboTron? You obviously wanted to make a public spectacle out of it because you brought a gigantic green thing in a Sox uniform (who, for some reason, was dressed as a Mummy on top of it) to cheer you on at a public sporting event (in winter no less), so why not go with the JumboTron? Did you think she was going to say no, and you wanted to do some damage control? She's going to remember you whispering into her ear, "the ring was really fucking expensive -- I can't afford the JumboTron and I have to do some sexual favors with Southpaw later. You so owe me. Bitch."

#6. Some people can hit, some people can't. Konerko and Crede brought the heat today with a Grand Slam apiece, and Swisher and Cabrera both put us in a good position to score almost every time they got up to bat. However, Thome and Uribe continue to kill rallies with slow speed and easy outs. If Thome could run, I wouldn't mind him grounding out as much -- but it always turns into a double play. As for Uribe, he'll still provide you with some random power, but he can at least play solid defense to make up for his pathetic showings at the plate. In a game where the Tigers issue 6 walks in less than 6 innings, you figure Uribe would at least TRY to see more pitches. Sheesh.

#7. Among promotions that would net you a calendar (like I got), today was also "Office Depot Advertising Day," as people were given big blank sheets to draw on and hold up. My sign would have been the best: "Paulie - I'm Pregnant. :-("

#8. Speaking of crazy-ass promotions, can we keep our hockey and baseball separate? There's now a "shoot a baseball with a hockey stick" game. I don't see how this at all relates to the game. And yet, we can't have this sort of shit at the United Center. I just don't get it.

#9. I think there's a conspiracy to keep Brian Anderson out of Center Field. How many legitimate Center Fielders do we have? If you answered "more than 1," you're wrong. Swisher is a LF/1B, Quentin is a LF, Ozuna is a utility infielder, and Ramirez should probably be in the minors. Yet, for some reason, whenever Anderson comes into the game, it's in LF or RF. I just don't get it -- it's like putting Cabrera at 1B. Yeah, he can do it, but it's really a waste of his talents.

#10. Someone get Jermaine Dye out of RF. He can still hit, so it's not like I want him benched or traded, but he certainly has lost any and all speed. Some of you are saying "I see highlight plays of JD making diving catches all the time!" Sure you are. Now watch the WHOLE play. If the ball is hit 4 feet in front of him, he'll get a slow jump on it, trot over to it, and THEN realize he has to dive to make the play. He really looks slow out there. Put him in LF, and let Quentin play right. Or even give Thome a break and let JD play DH. We have a surplus of outfielders (even moreso when Owens gets back), so we could conceivably start Anderson and Owens, giving Swisher and Dye a break.

Ozzie

This is good stuff:

Just a Reminder

Just wanted to let all you Cub fans out there know that we still care about you at the Dong. Not only do we care, but since all the Cub-fan writers here are gone, we don't have to pretend we like you. Even sports coverage my ass!

Therefore, less than a week into 2008 baseball, let us have a little chat about some of the finer points the Cubs have brought us this season, hm?

#1. The pitching. Ah yes, the pitching. Nothing like having your ace get hurt (again) because of too much tug-o-war with Cyclops. That's a forearm injury that'll nag all year. Oh, but Kerry Wood is healthy...today. And maybe even tomorrow. Hasn't stopped him from coughing up the lead yet. Also, let us ruminate on your amazing bullpen of Carlos Marmol and...um...Carlos Marmol. Don't try and tell me that Howry is legit -- you know you're full of shit.

#2. The offense. Take Skullfuck out of the equation, and what do you have? Ramirez, Lee, Soriano and the guy who isn't Brian Roberts all sucking it up. Ramirez is below the Mendoza line, Soriano is below the Royce Clayton line, and hopefully, Sammy Sosa is physically crushed under the Red Line.

#3. Charlton Heston. He's dead, and it's your fault. Fucking Cub fans -- you were the 11th plague.

Enjoy 100 years.

UPDATE: Everyone knows you suck too.

Happy Friday

This just made me really happy.




So did this:

Ozzie's Corner

Ozzie: This is total bullshit! No fucking way! I'm right here, and he was over there, and then the stuff happened!

Ump: Mr. Guillen --

Ozzie: I'm not finished! This kid is a good ballplayer. He's young but he throws strikes and I like that. But this shit is ridiculous! Are you going to sit there in your big fucking umpire jacket and tell me I'm wrong?

Ump: I'm not even wearing a jacket. You don't seem to understand --

Ozzie: No, YOU don't fucking understand! The Indians have been bending us over and having their way with us! You took the fucking calls from us! We were winning, and then I put in Dotel and you give us that shitty call but now we lose the ballgame and it's fucking bullshit!

Ump: Actually, you won.

Ozzie: And another thing! I -- wait, what?

Ump: You won. The bullpen pitched three scoreless innings and Bobby Jenks got the save. You won 2-1.

Ozzie: We did? Well then...

Ozzie: I want everyone to know it was because of my superior managerial skills.

Boone Logan's Goatee

2006: "I believe I am still capable of being attractive with facial hair"

2007: "I think goatees look better if you can see them"

2008: "I am housing endangered species in my goatee, and also may kill you if given the chance"

Sox 8, Indians 10

He was safe, but more on this later

It's been a while, but after a game like today, you've just got to talk about what happened from an online betting standpoint. Before I get too swept up, though, let's get some things straight:

The Good:

#1. Jim Thome. Normally, you'd look at the stats and expect Thome to have a lousy game today. Hitting against a tough lefty like CC would usually spell doom for Thome, but Jimmy went deep twice and provided half of our run total for the day.

#2. The offense in general. All of the role players did their job today. Crede, Cabrera, Paulie, Swisher, and AJ all provided pop when needed. Jermaine Dye was especially impressive, coming off of his quiet Spring Training.

#3. Nick Masset. Can't complain here. Nick barely made the roster (Wassermann is probably the better pitcher, but Nick eats innings and was out of options), and came in early after a short outing from Buerhle. Even so, Nick pitched 4+ innings of shutout ball, allowing us to come back from an early deficit. Nice.

The Bad:

#1. Juan Uribe and Alexei Ramirez. Neither one of these guys should be in a White Sox uniform. Neither of them can hit the ball if it's moving. The two of them racked up 3 Ks apiece, and effectively left 6 runners on base. I understand that we're probably stuck with Uribe at 2B for the year, but there's no reason to start Ramirez in CF. Both Anderson and Quentin are better defensively, and Owens should be back soon.

#2. Octavio Dotel and Mark Buerhle. Neither one of them looked pretty. Buerhle got molested by the long ball (which is tough to do with that big wall in left field), and Dotel put himself into a bad spot and finished the game for us with a fat meatball down the middle. I expect both of them to bounce back, but you never know.

#3. Intangibles. Ah yes, the intangibles. We'll start with the umpiring crew.

See, I'm OK with one bad call. It happens. Umps don't get enough credit for trying, etc etc. However, when you get dicked by THREE bad calls in a game (two in a row, mind you) that affect the outcome of the game directly, then you get a little pissed off. For those of you that were watching the game on StatTracker or some other web-based game log, let me fill in the blanks for you.

Bad Call #1: Sox at bat. Konerko is on 3rd, two outs. AJ hits what could be an RBI single and hustles to first. Throw is in time, but off the mark. Ryan Garko makes the catch, but it pulls his foot off the bag before the catch is made. AJ is called out anyways.
White Sox Nega Runs: 1 and counting.

Bad Call #2: Sox at bat. Bases loaded for Orlando Cabrera. Cabrera hits a sharp one to left, and there's going to be a play at the plate. The throw is in time, but off the mark, and the catcher needs to adjust in mid-air. Crede slides under the tag, and all replays show the tag was missed. Crede is called out, and needs to be restrained by Jim Thome. Still no sign of Ozzie.
White Sox Nega Runs: 2 and counting.

Bad Call #3: Just moments after Crede is called out. Bases still juiced, now one out. AJ batting. AJ hits a chopper to the pitcher, which is given to the SS for the double play. Cabrera slides feet-first, and uses his hands to try and break up the play (a suitable revenge because he got annihilated on a DP attempt earlier in the game while playing SS himself). The SS get slapped in the thigh, and stops his throw to first after stepping on the bag (he probably wouldn't have made it, as he was late getting the ball out). Cabrera is called out on interference, resulting in a double-play.
White Sox Nega Runs: 3 and counting.

So, in reality, it's possible that even with Dotel coughing up the lead, the Sox still could have won 11-10. I'm not saying that the world is out to get the Sox, but I AM saying that baseball does need the benefit of instant replay. It really turned things around today.

Also, I'd like to thank the Cubs for losing today. It has eased my pain, if ever so slightly.

Fuck you San Francisco!

Suck it!

Because Drew Rosenhaus is a a shitbag, the 49ers will give the Bears their 5th round pick and swap 3rd rounders (with the Bears moving up 5 spots).

Apparently, the 49ers made illegal contact with Rosenhaus last season, violating the anti-tampering rule. (Story here.) I have a sneaking suspicion that Rosenhaus probably called the niners GM 5 million times trying to get a verbal offer so that he could blackball the Bears for more cash.

Stop calling me needle dick!

This is fantastic news.

Moral of the story: the Bears organization is like the island on Lost- you can try to leave but it's inevitable that the Bears will get the best of you.

The Bulls Suck

I could've stayed home and masturbated...

If anyone was stupid enough to stop watching the NCAA tournament last night and saw the Bulls "game", you probably felt like we would have put up a better fight with a college roster.

Last I remember, we were losing by around 30 and Tony Parker looked like Michael Jordan. I thought maybe I had drank too much, but alas no, we just fucking suck balls. We have no defense, our offense consists of Luol Deng and Ben Gordon shooting a lot and Samurai Gooden getting some weakly defended layups.

What happened to our team?

More importantly, how can we let a queef like Tim Duncan talk shit about us like this after the game??:

"Luckily enough we have a game tomorrow so we didn't have to go back into the game in the fourth quarter."

Embarrassing.

I just checked the box score and Larry Hughes (you know, the guy who's famous from this AWESOME blog: http://heylarryhughespleasestoptakingsomanybadshots.com/?) shot 4-12 in just 28 minutes.

We could probably make a solid lineup with Gooden, Hinrich and Deng at the core... why not make a REAL fucking trade already and finally get someone that can score in the post? The draft is coming up although we are still mathematically in the playoff hunt... is it too early to hope for losses?

Revie

Jesus christ, look at those calves

One of the most meaningful moments of my entire life was attending the Revie Sorey All-Pro Football Camp as a coach back when I was a ripe 17 years of age.

For those of you unfamiliar with Revie, he was an O-linesman for the Bears and blocked for Walter Payton.

Back then, it was the Revie Sorey-Ryan Wetnight All Pro camp. Now it's the John Gilmore - Revie Sorey camp, so essentially they swapped out slow crappy white TE for slow crappy black TE. Regardless, it's the exact same camp and it's an awesome way to spend a week. I played ball with Luke Butkis and a few D1 studs, I caught passes from Erik Kramer, I watched Singletary run through drills and I even got mistaken for a legitimate college athlete (which I wasn't).

My most memorable moment at camp, was sitting around late at night and shooting the shit with Revie. Let me tell you, this is one of the nicest guys I've ever met.

Additionally, he has abnormally monstrous calves.

Like, insanely girthy tree trunk appendages than keep him anchored to the center of the earth.

If you look at the photo above, that's Revie with a legitimate NFL player who spends countless hours in the gym and probably leg presses a few thousand pounds. Revie's calves make his calves look like 2 needle dicks. It's absolutely insane.

So... 2 thoughts:
1) If you read this and are 10-18, you should definitely go here.
2) If you've ever seen a person with larger (at least mainly muscle) calves, I'd like to know about it.

You can read up about the camp here:

Great article about Revie here: