Verbatim

From With Leather:

Remember when the bumbling Cubs got swept in the ALDS by the Dodgers? Well, Chicago fans can be even more ashamed of that performance now, because the Phillies finished off L.A. in just five games with last night’s 5-1 victory. Not surprisingly, Manny Ramirez’s solo homer (he hit .520 with 4 HR and 10 RBI in eight playoff games) provided the Dodgers’ only run.

Unfortunately for the Dodgers, Manny is only one-ninth of the lineup at any given time. That may be enough to beat the Cubs, but the Phillies were led by an outstanding pitching staff, most notably series MVP Cole Hamels, who pitched his third playoff gem last night.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

I'll let Wikipedia Handle This

So, there's talk of the Cubs getting their own TV station ala the Yankees' YES Network. While most people would say that you just can't get as much programming outside of the baseball game (like you can with the tradition and pride of the Yankees), I have to disagree.

First, the Cubs have a LONG-STANDING tradition. Can you guess what it is? Here - I've bolded the important parts from the Cubs wikipedia table of contents:

• 1 Early franchise history (1876 - 1920)
  • 1.1 1876-1900: Earliest years
  • 1.2 1901-1910: An NL dynasty
• 2 Golden age of baseball (1920 - 1979)
  • 2.1 1929-1938: Every 3 years
  • 2.2 1945: The Curse
  • 2.3 1969: The fall of '69
  • 2.4 1977: Heartbreak
• 3 Recent history
  • 3.1 1984: One game away
  • 3.2 1989: NL East champions
  • 3.3 1998: Wild card
  • 3.4 2001: Playoff push
  • 3.5 2003: 5 more outs
  • 3.6 2004: Letdown
  • 3.7 2007: Worst to 1st
  • 3.8 2008–Present

Oh, you can bet that they have this tradition thing down pat.

Here's a sample of Monday programming on the new Cubs network, CURSE TV:

3:00 - Blame It On Bartman. Premise: Callers report incidents of misfortune that have happened in their life, and the events are somehow blamed on Cubs fan Steve Bartman.

4:00 - Goat Hunting. Premise: Join lunatic Cubs fans as they break into farmers' yards to kill as many goats as possible, hoping that each one will bring them one step closer to "breaking the curse."

5:00 - Blow Random Shit Up And Hope For The Best. Premise: Take random Cubs memoribilia from a tragic season (any item will do) and make a big fuss about blowing it up in a bar. This week: Jack Brickhouse's femur.

6:00 - Cubbie Boo. Premise: Game show where contestants are shown videos of old Cubs games, and must boo in timing with the video. The winner is the contestant that boos loudest. Notable clips include a pitchout attempt, not throwing back a homerun ball, and a coaching visit to the mound.

7:00 - Cubs Game. Premise: Watch the "loveable losers" play a game of "baseball." Highlights include hot drunk chick, 7th inning stretch, and panning to other hot drunk chick.

Sox Notes: 6/30/08

Coincidentally, this is also the number of times Wood is expected on the DL this year.

Believe it or not, I'm not writing this to rub in the sweep. Let's face it - the third game of a highly televised series, with a sweep on the line? Why would I want to write about the fact that Brian Anderson, Jim Thome, and Carlos Quentin all went deep off of the highly touted Cubs? Why would I mention that Buerhle held them to just one run, and that the bullpen locked them down? Why would I even toss in that Alexei Ramirez is fucking incredible, and that the Cubs need to go back to AAA to learn baserunning?

No, here at the Dong, we're better than that.

Instead, I'd like to talk about some of the"finer" behavioral points I witnessed at US Cellular last night. See, when you get a bunch of drunk people, and then make them wear different colors, you'll eventually get some sort of violence. I happened to get a good look at a serious beat-down that happened near the Walgreens sign at left-center. No clear winner, but security took their sweet time getting there...



...because they were busy breaking up this doozy near the right-field foul pole. Want to know why they took so long to bail this douchebag out? That's right: there was ANOTHER fight going on!

Brian Nolan of Woodridge was charged with theft related to Saturday's fight in the upper deck at U.S. Cellular Field, police said. Nolan allegedly picked up some money that fell out of a woman's purse and refused to give it back. That led to several fans punching Nolan.

I mean, really? Really? Come on. You and I both know that the elotes at the cell are delicious and overpriced ($4 a pop!), but you don't pretend that the money is yours. What kind of passive-ass criminal are you, anyways? Kick her ass and TAKE her money, you pussy. Nobody questions someone with initiative.

The moral of the story: Don't fuck with the guy in the Thome jersey.

Just a Reminder

Just wanted to let all you Cub fans out there know that we still care about you at the Dong. Not only do we care, but since all the Cub-fan writers here are gone, we don't have to pretend we like you. Even sports coverage my ass!

Therefore, less than a week into 2008 baseball, let us have a little chat about some of the finer points the Cubs have brought us this season, hm?

#1. The pitching. Ah yes, the pitching. Nothing like having your ace get hurt (again) because of too much tug-o-war with Cyclops. That's a forearm injury that'll nag all year. Oh, but Kerry Wood is healthy...today. And maybe even tomorrow. Hasn't stopped him from coughing up the lead yet. Also, let us ruminate on your amazing bullpen of Carlos Marmol and...um...Carlos Marmol. Don't try and tell me that Howry is legit -- you know you're full of shit.

#2. The offense. Take Skullfuck out of the equation, and what do you have? Ramirez, Lee, Soriano and the guy who isn't Brian Roberts all sucking it up. Ramirez is below the Mendoza line, Soriano is below the Royce Clayton line, and hopefully, Sammy Sosa is physically crushed under the Red Line.

#3. Charlton Heston. He's dead, and it's your fault. Fucking Cub fans -- you were the 11th plague.

Enjoy 100 years.

UPDATE: Everyone knows you suck too.

Things To Do Until Baseball Season

Let's face it -- we're at the point of no return. There's about 30 days -- 30 painful, miserable days -- left before baseball season starts. There's no easy way around it: 30 days is a long time. Here are 30 things that might be able to keep you busy enough to survive until opening day:

#1. Package yourself into a crate and mail yourself to spring training. Hey, it worked for this guy (well, temporarily).

#2. Invent a new MLB statistic and research it. If they can make up VORP, I'd like to see them stop my creation of MSPIP (Mullets Seen Per Inning Pitched).

#3. Go visit your local science or architecture-based museum and complain about their lack of an adequate baseball exhibit.

#4. Take up college basketball. Yeah, I know it sucks, but we need SOMETHING to bet on.

#5. Write a letter to Darren McFadden claiming to be one of his children. If you play this right, you could take up all 30 days AND make some cash.

#6. Send some cell-phone pics to Sean Salisbury. Clothes optional.

#7. Play the extra $348,500 a year to your local cable overlord provider to watch the six spring training games your team televises. It DOES pass the time.

#8. Go to your team's ballpark and start camping out near the ticketbooth. You're going to be first in line, just like that guy at the Star Wars movies who complained the whole time. Depending on your team, it will likely be a similar experience.

#9. Grow a goatee, shave your head and work parties as Billy Koch. Horrific skin condition aside, you should be passable.

#10. Sail 3/8ths of the way around the world. Depending on which direction you go, this could be the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, somewhere in Asia, or if you're a complete moron, Venezuela. This would be a different story if we had 80 days before baseball, but only because I might have killed myself.

#11. Spend all 30 days laboriously perfecting time machine only to finish in the 2nd inning of opening day. Damn it.

#12. Freeze yourself in a block of ice, enlisting an 8-year old boy to wake you up when the 30 days have passed. Oh, wait. Nevermind.

#13. Create a coalition for a majority bid to buy the naming rights to Wrigley Field. Nothing says baseball like "Kotex Field."

#14. Track down Bud Selig and give him your lunch money. He was going to get it eventually -- might as well get it out of the way.

#15. Take up a sudden interest in the NHL. It worked for Pittsburgh, didn't it?

#16. Go to your team's message board and post your idea of a "fair trade" every day up until Opening Day, each more ridiculous than the last.

#17. Track down the asshole that does #16 and give him a beatdown for me. I fucking hate it when people do that.

#18. Go partying with Kyle Orton. This may take longer than 30 days, but it'll be well worth it.

#19. Contact Jose Canseco with "insider information." This should make the next 30 days very interesting.

#20. Write Frank Thomas an apology note for ignoring that he is the best non-roids hitter of the 1990's. Take him out to a nice dinner, maybe.

#21. Stalk David Beckham. Hey -- everyone else is doing it.

#22. Practice your Japanese to greet Kosuke Fukudome with an accurate "Good Morning! I Am A Badass" ("Ohio-Gozaimasu. Boku Ga Warui") so he will TOTALLY want to associate with you after that.

#23. Feed John Madden. Didn't you ever wonder what happened to Pat Summerall? The offseason. That's what.

#24. Track down Mo Vaughn and call him fat. Someone's gotta do it.

#25. Shave Baron Davis. This may take 30 days.

#26. Get to know your Chicago Matadors.

#27. Pronounce the name Zydrunas Ilgauskas correctly. May also take 30 days.

#28. Watch the first two "Major League" movies (not that shitpile Major League: Back to the Minors), and then send Bob Uecker a bottle of scotch. He's earned it. Then go watch some other classics like Bull Durham and The Natural. Then complain that your team doesn't have an endearing sports movie.

#29. Prepare a feast to commemorate the Cubs' 100th year without a world series title. Make plans to get humble pie. ashes, hardboiled eggs, saltwater, Moises Alou lemonade, and LaTroy Hawkins as a guest speaker. No matter how long this takes to plan, it will be worth it.

#30. Make a really long list on your website that no one reads. Oh wait.

Apparently Fukudome DOES Watch American Baseball

If he hadn't, he probably wouldn't have gone all Paul O'Neil on Byung Hyung Kim and blasted off one of those side arm joints into the upper decks. I like Kim's good-old-boy response to the Dome's home run, as he plunks the next batter deliberately. It's really hard to let a pitch "get away from you" directly into the batter's groin. I imagine it would have been more honorable for him to commit seppuku right there on the mound.

I think I speak for all Cubs fans when I say, 'KOSUKE BLAST ROUND AMERICAN BASEBALL INTO SPACE AND BRING RUNS AND PRIDE TO AMERICAN LAKE CITY! JOY AND HONOR ON THE FAMILY OF FUKUDOME! LUCKY KOSUKE MAKE CHILDREN SMILING AND BANISH TROLL CURSES WITH MAGIC WOOD!'

Traitor!

It's a long walk from here, buddy

Alex Cintron, post-surgery noodle-arm and all, is headed to the North Side this season. It's kind of mean that the Cubs waited this long to sign him -- he probably had to get all of his belongings out of Chicago when he was cut by the Sox, just to have to move them all back. That is, if he's staying in Chicago...

When you think about it, the Cubs have absolutely no use for Cintron. They already have four wannabe SS/2B's (Theriot, DeRosa, Cedeno, Fontenot) -- what's the point of adding a 5th? Cintron is hardly a starter, and certainly not an upgrade over the "established" players at his position. What Cintron is, though, is a major-league ready player that the Cubs can throw into a certain Orioles trade.

The Cubs will likely make yet another effort to snag Brian Roberts from the O's (who are probably leaning back in their chairs and cackling over how far the Cubs are bending over to get him), and they'll probably be successful. Cintron was actually on their list of FA targets this offseason, but the Cubs would much rather pay his salary and trade him to the O's anyways. Roberts, when healthy, is a phenomenal player. I think the Cubs signed an entire extra team this offseason just to try and get him (how many pitchers do you they think can start in a season?).

So good luck to you Cubbies -- get Neal Cotts a temporary playmate, and then send your entire minor league roster to get a 2B who will surely get hurt when you need him most (joining A-Ram on his annual DL trip).

100 years...so close I can taste it!

Yeah, He's a Catcher

(Catcher of the future, half man half machine)

If you are like me and the first thing you do in the morning is check Yahoo! fantasy, then you were greeted with the same amazing picture. Geovanny Soto on the cover of the Yahoo! Sports fantasy page as "the catcher of the future." I'm just so excited that people (national media) are catching on (ha! a pun!) to how good Geovanny will be. The guy is fucking awesome. He hit over .350 last year in the minors and was fantastic when he played in the bigs.

Now I'm not going to do what I always do and predict that the Cubs are going to win it all (even though Ryan Dempster said that yesterday), but I will say our lineup will be the best in the National League. In our shitty division, it doesn't take much more than two people over the age of 16. We have no real weaknesses, and with the addition of Fukudome and the emergence of Soto, the Cubs lineup is for real. Now if only we had starting and relief pitching...we would be amazing.

(Here's the Sox new Catcher, just like AJ)

And I Thought It Was Zell's Inside Man

When Flintstones go bad

Simply getting robbed of a division title is SO last century.

The Cubs decided to get a kick start on losing year #100 by just getting flat-out robbed.

"Todd Robert Smith, 44, was arrested Saturday and accused of taking items from a number of locations including the Chicago Cubs training facility...The Cub players were pitcher Jeff Samardzija, catcher Jake Fox and outfielder Tyler Colvin. Police said all three players had personal items stolen, which included checkbooks, cell phones and credit cards."

When Sam Zell said he was going to squeeze every penny out of this franchise, he wasn't kidding! Interestingly, Smith confessed to the Cubs burglaries, and hundreds more. Why? Because he's addicted to meth. Seriously -- that was his excuse. I've got to remember to do that next time I get into trouble.

More importantly, why steal from a football player, a rookie/spring training invitee, and a career AAA catcher? Not a single one of these players is useful or has a full-time spot on the team -- whose bright idea was it to skip over Fukudome's locker? You could just tell him that it was "American Taxes" that charged over $1,000 at a local Wal-Mart.

Welcome to Spring Training, indeed.

Cubs Get Skullfucked

"That's Mr. Skullfuck to you"

The Cubs acquired Kosuke Fukudome (or at least agreed to pay him $12 million a year). Can we just take a second to analyze this like a responsible sports fan, and not like a drunk fan who makes a career out of saying “Woo” at Cubs games?

Thank you.

Here is a quick list of Japanese batters that have come over from Japan in recent years, and the age they were when they did it (and I’ve bolded the players that flopped):

Ichiro Suzuki (27 years old)

Hideki Matsui (29 years old)

Tadahito Iguchi (30 years old)

Kenji Johjima (30 years old)

Takashi Saito (36 years old)

So Taguchi (34 years old)

Kaz Sasaki (28 years old)

Kazuo Matsui (28 years old)

Tsuyoshi Shinjo (29 years old)

Do you notice an interesting trend here? All of these guys are either past their prime, or passing it quickly, and that’s just in their first year (Ichiro is the exception to the rule, as he decided to be Japanese because he knew that the slanted eyes decrease wind resistance). You also have to add in time to adjust, especially considering the use of the curveball in America – it still gives Iguchi and the Matsuis trouble. Not only that, but the crop that is anywhere close to Fukudome (in age or position) has been extremely iffy. Kazuo Matsui was touted as Jesus in a Kimono, but we can all see how that turned out. Even Hideki Matsui is clearly on the decline. I’m excited to see what Skullfuck can do, but I’m a little wary considering his age (30) and injuries.

Fukudome had his best season in 2006, hitting an absurd .351 and essentially destroying opposing pitching. Hell, he’s a career .294 hitter with a .400 on-base percentage – you can’t really knock that. However, last year, he played only 81 games with a .294 average (I know, still great, but way down) and a few injuries – most notably, that he’s coming off of a right elbow surgery to remove bone chips.

I’m not saying he’s a bad acquisition, but if the elbow saps power from his swing, you’re looking at 10-15 HR MAX on the year. Last I checked, simply hitting for average was not allowed from a corner outfielder on the Cubs (see: Jacque Jones). So, basically, you're paying $12 million a year for a #6 hitter?

Bring on the Skullfuck era.

Fuk u, dome

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