At least the Hawks have the right idea

Might need a new banner after this season

With the Blackhawks going nose-to-the-grindstone and pulling out a big win, it makes me wonder what the hell the baseball teams are doing right now. The Hawks don't have the injury problems the other teams do (although after seeing Kane and Toews get splattered about 20 times in the 3rd period of Saturday night's game, I'm surprised they don't), but it's not about the roster - it's about heart.

"Falco, this team needs heart...and I need the number of that chick from the bar. You know who I'm talking about."

Instead of putting up a fight, both the Sox and the Cubs have been laying down in the mud to die for the past couple of days. Sure, there were some wins that came out of it, but realistically, both teams should be lucky with the wins they have.

Cubs:
I don't even know where to start here. Trading DeRosa to free up the contract for Bradley could still pay off, but right now the Cubs are starting a paper-thin infield of Aaron Miles, Theriot, and Fontenot. If any one of those three guys gets hurt or need a night off, there's going to be all sorts of problems (Freel isn't even healthy yet, and the next in line is Bobby "How Did I Get Here" Scales).

Next, there's the interesting case of the rotation. First of all, everyone and their mother should have known that Ryan Dempster was due for a harsh dose of reality - he's got the potential to be good, but he never should have been as good as he was. It was like Jon Garland in the first few months of the '05 season - just completely out of character. Likewise, Lilly and Harden have been streaky (and I still fully expect Harden to take a trip to the DL soon - have I mentioned that you never EVER trade with Oakland?). Zambrano is also out for trying to be a hitter when he should have been a pitcher. And the bullpen? Please. Marmol and Gregg are the most "consistent" out of the 'pen with only two heart attacks per 5 IP. Oh, and for those of you keeping score at home, Michael Wuertz has a 1.62 ERA with 14 K in 16 IP with OAKLAND. Yikes.

Sox:
It's so depressing I can hardly stand it. Not only was Brian Anderson sidelined after a hot start, but with Wise also nursing injuries, Brent Lillibridge is seeing daily action (Ozzie refuses to put Ramirez in CF...why?). Lillibridge is the equivalent of a fantastic dump - you don't mind looking at it for a little bit to marvel your handiwork, but then you realize the fumes have killed your cat and you flush it away. You don't sit there and let the shit permeate your home - which is exactly what Lillibridge is doing.

Next, you've got the problem of the "free swingers." Alexei has a swing as long as Luol's Dong, and it's making him completely useless. Josh Fields is also showing less patience than the beginning of the season, and don't even get me started on Lillibridge again. All in all, it makes for some serious rally-killing, as the only guys who DO get on base are too slow to take more than one bag at a time. I still think we should trade as many vets as possible at the deadline to take a legit shot at being a 2010 or 2011 contender.

Finally, the pitching staff is JUST Buerhle and Danks. Floyd has been as erratic as I feared he would be, showing that a curveball just isn't enough to get it done. Likewise, Colon has just run out of gas (pun intended) in most of his starts, providing 5-6 solid innings of work but not much more. Contreras is just godawful, and is likely done barring a remastery of his forkball. And instead of calling up Poreda or giving proper rest to Clayton Richard (who has been groomed as a starter since...forever), Guillen is looking at Broadway or Carrasco to pick up the slack. Welcome to the 5th starter black hole once again.

The Rest:
The Bears are rumored to be interested in Amani Toomer - if you can't get Torry Holt, why not get the older and slower imitation? Maybe he'll bring in a veteran presence.

Jeremy Mayfield became the first NASCAR driver to fail a drug test. What the fuck do you need to take 'roids for in NASCAR!? Is the wheel that hard to turn? Did you need a few extra feet off of your victory backflip? Do you need to hold the car up during pit sessions? Jesus you're dumb.

Look how much faster I can go!

Arts & Entertainment: Fuck you Chris Cornell. Fuck you right in the ear.

Some of our older readers may remember Chris Cornell during awesomer times, as the lead yelling guy for Soundgarden. Others among you may recall his later work with Audioslave (all of which sounds like he sang through a mouthful of crushed-up sleeping pills) or his sensitive coffee-shop guy solo records (ditto). You may notice a downhill pattern here.

Judging from recent photos, Cornell seems to be going through a rough midlife crisis. But instead of nailing 19-year-olds or buying a Porsche, he has decided to record an album with....Timbaland. Yes, the same guy who worked with Missy Elliot/Justin Timberlake/whoever. As you can imagine, I was more than curious to hear the abomination that would come from this -- and fortunately, you can hear the resulting album Scream on MySpace for free.

After an orchestral intro, opening track "Part Of Me" limps out of the speakers. Tim's beats and production are fairly non-threatening, but as soon as Cornell started singing, my immediate thought was "Jesus Christ on a cock, this is the worst thing I have ever heard in my life." This song sounds like if Saturday Night Live did a skit about what would happen if Chris Cornell tried singing pop R&B, and would easily be just as funny if it wasn't so goddamn embarassing. About 90 seconds later I realize that this is almost exactly the same song as "I Need To Know" by Marc Antony. Holy shit.

Cornell, pre-op and post-op

I'm not going to bother talking about the rest of the CD because it doesn't get any better from there. All of this stuff is generic as hell, with all the texture and variety of baby food. There's a lot of that cheesy vocal effect that Cher used, and drum loops that sound like man-sex. There's almost no guitar work on here to speak of, and the little that is here is apparently played by...John Mayer. Yeah. Not good.

It shouldn't be hard to guess Timbaland's intentions here ($) but the whole thing reeks of a ploy for relevancy on Cornell's part -- which is a shame, because if he wanted to remain relevant, all he had to do was keep writing good songs. Instead, he put a disc that ranks high on the "bad idea" scale, right up there with St. Anger and that Megadeth song about wrestling or whatever.

I'm not even sure who the hell Cornell expected to enjoy this-- I highly doubt that the clubbin' types want to hear Cornell screaming about bitches and getting crunk, and we all know how open-minded hard rockers are about dance music. Even if this was the best rock/R&B crossover EVER, it would find its way to the cutout bin quickly. Fortunately, it's hilariously bad, so nobody's really missing much.

So, in conclusion: Fuck off, Chris Cornell. I'm done with you and your bullshit. If you're lucky I'll put on BadMotorFinger once in a while and remember how, 15 years ago, you used to not suck. Go kill yourself.

Hugs & Kisses,

F.A.G.

Fuk u, dome

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Cedric Benson is Hurt – Hallelujah!

In a move that immediately improves our playoff chances, the Chicago Bears have announced that Cedric Benson will miss the remainder of the season with an ankle injury.

All season, I have watched with envy as other teams benefited from better RB’s with lesser egos: The Packers have been given a legitimate running game from Ryan Grant, the Raiders manage 100+ on the ground with Justin Fargas and the Bills survive by leaning on rookie Marshawn Lynch. While division rival Minnesota has Purple Jesus in the backfield, the Bears have been starting Navy Judas- a clubhouse cancer that has taken the phrase “short yardage back” a little too seriously.

Now, I wouldn’t place ALL the blame on Cedric for his poor production. The offensive line has been as effective as a lead enema, not to mention that our weak passing game hasn’t exactly kept defenses honest. I doubt Griese could throw a ball 40+ yards even if he was the only one on the field and he had one of those awesome Nerf spiral balls.

What I do blame Cedric for, though, is running Thomas Jones out of town. TJ was a monster for us for 3 years, never averaging less than 4 per carry, even with no-names like Orton and Krenzel under center. He was a gym rat with an inspiring work ethic and team-first attitude. His cut-back style was well suited for our sub par blocking and he never complained, not even when the Bears sent him packing for an overpaid and unproven 1^st drama queen.

Nevertheless, it should be exciting to see our version of Adrian Peterson get a chance to prove himself after languishing on special teams for the last couple years. We might even get a look at rookie Garret Wolfe, who looked surprisingly good in preseason and might be fast enough to take a handoff AND get back to the line of scrimmage on the same play.