Hey Seattle, Tell Me How My Ass Tastes

Those Junior Mints never stood a chance

What's that? Another touchdown to Devin Hester? Another game where Cutler engineered a comeback through a deadly offensive drive built around plays more than 5 yards apiece? Take THAT, Kyle Orton. I love the Neckbeard as much as the next man, but there's no way that he could have engineered a drive like that.

What, you're wondering where we've been all this time? Look - I know we've been lax. I know that our coverage is like a small drop of Preparation H on the raging hemorrhoids that is Chicago sports. We do what we can, when we can. For longtime readers, you know that things such as work, prison, and gay pride parades can come between us and the Dong. It happens - let's just get on with our lives.

Here's a few things about the game you may not have noticed:

The Bears have three receivers not named Olsen or Forte:
For the first time that I can remember, the Bears have three legitimate receiving threats not playing the TE position. Sure, Olsen and Clark can still catch, but they're not the main show anymore. Between Hester, Bennett, and Knox, the Bears have three fast receivers with enough fundamentals to make opposing teams worry. Cutler's ability to get them the ball makes opposing teams pull off defenders to make sure the Bears don't get open. This should open the running game, but...

Forte is giving me bad memories of Benson:
The Cedric Benson "twinkletoes" when waiting for a hole are back. You know the ones I'm talking about - receive the ball on a handoff, and dance in place for 1-2 seconds on your toes before charging the hole. I don't know if Forte is hurt (I doubt it) or just facing some sort of tentativeness, but he needs to hit the hole harder and faster than he is right now. With Cutler keeping defenses honest, there's no reason he shouldn't be shredding defenses right now.

The Bears defense is only going downhill from here:
Seriously now - I love the Bears as much as the next guy, but this defensive unit is going to give me heart-attacks. They're still the "takeaways" unit that everyone has come to expect, but when Julius Jones is able to decimate you the way he did Sunday (missed tackles and all), there's a serious problem. Throw in Hillenmeyer's injury (we're now on our third linebacker in three weeks?) and things will only get worse.

The Seahawks can't intimidate looking like that:
Seriously? I thought that the Mighty Ducks had done a football spinoff or some shit. Use the Flying V!

Where has the Dong been?

So as some of you may have noticed, the Bears played and won last week. And yet this event has not even been acknowledged by the Dong. Why would our ace sportswriters pass this up, especially after bitching for so long about not having anything to write about? Why the lack of updates? Where the hell is everybody around here?

Here's a hint:

Viva La Dong

Work is time consuming

Loyal Dong Readers:

This is a formal apology for the dearth of posts over the past few weeks. As we're essentially a 3 man show (2 if you count "man" as packing at least 3 inches), it's tough to provide the Dong Nation with the quantity and quality of content that you all deserve. I've also been out of the country for 3 weeks.

Let's recap a few important topics:

Bears:

It's not time to panic yet, Cutler was rattled (first game as a Bear in the biggest rivalry in football on the road at Lambeau) but I think he'll settle down and be just fine. Bigger issue is Ron Turner. It's possible that he's not a very good offensive coordinator and we're not calling the right plays (evidenced by not countering the blitz with screens to Forte (0 receptions) or dumps to Olsen (1 reception)). We'll see if the passing game takes advantage of a Polamalu-less Steelers secondary next week.

The defense looked really good. Tommie Harris and Alex Brown were solid, Wale was spectacular and Big Bad Dan Manning picked up where he left off last year (dominant). Losing Urlacher sucks but I like Hillenmeyer and maybe we'll pick up a FA (Brooks?). Either way, I think we're back as a top 5 defense in the league. Trust me, this will be the last time this season that Rodgers throws for less than 200 yards.

Week 2 prediction: Bears 21, Steelers 17

White Sox:

Big meltdown last month (nothing like coming home to see our beloved chisox doing a great Cubs impression) but we're only 6.5 games out and we can make a run with a strong finish. Peavy makes his first start against KC in a few days - very exciting. Regardless, the Thome deal is a harbinger of more moves if we crap out... on the block: Dye, AJP, Konerko.

Cubs:

Hahahahahahaha

Collaborating with The Great Rabbino:

Check out this blog: http://thegreatrabbino.blogspot.com/

My buddy writes it. He's a jew, loves judaism and loves jewish atheletes. A good niche blog for those of you with hook noses, small dingys and a predilection for bagels and smoked salmon.

The Ultimate Fighter:
This show is awesome. Season 10 premiered last night and did not disappoint. Kimbo Slice is a contestant and if you don't know Kimbo...

Right.

This show makes stars. Essentially, there are 2 teams of prospective fighters and the winner gets a fat contract from the UFC. Both teams are trained by UFC stars (like Chuck Liddell, Rampage Jackson, Frank Mir, etc). Previous winners include Diego Sanchez, Forrest Griffin, Rashad Evans, and Michael Bisping.

If you like watching people literally beat the shit out of each other AND have to live together and pretend to like each other, you will enjoy this show.

Football Randomness:

• LaDanian Tomlinson is washed up.
• Terrell Owens has T(O)-minus 2 weeks until he's calling Trent Edwards names and doing shirtless situps in his driveway.
• Chris Johnson will be a top 3 fantasy RB this season
• Mark Sanchez is better than the hype. Dude is legit and Rex Ryan knows what he's doing.
• If Matt Schaub continues to suck, we might see the Sex Cannon in action over in Houston
• Oakland's defense is legit

Viva laDong.

-KEG

That could have gone better

/looks for Earl Bennett

For 25% of last night's game, Jay Cutler looked like the answer. For the other three quarters, he looked like a harder-throwing version of Rex Grossman. After watching the Bears snatch defeat from the jaws of victory last night, I'm sure many of you are already wringing your hands about the Bears' season.

Don't.

Even though Cutler made some piss-poor decisions (most of which involve completely ignoring Greg Olsen on plays where he was wide open to try and force the ball to Bennett), it's not like he single-handedly cost us the game. In fact, his 3rd quarter performance was what kept us IN the game if anything. Cutler looked sharp going 6/7 in the quarter netting us a TD and FG positioning while eating the clock.

When things worked, they worked remarkably well. The Bears D, for example, got throught a tough Packers line to keep pressure on Rodgers (even after injuries to Urlacher and crew), and managed to snuff out Greg Jennings and Donald Driver for the majority of the game...save for the one play that mattered (yes, I know). Earl Bennett looked like he could really step up as the possession guy on this team, and Hester looked like he really HAS made strides as a receiver. Hell, even Knox contributed big on throws Orton never would have made.

Aside from the mysterious punt-fake-run and Jennings' TD, the real glaring issues were:

Lack of commitment to the run, let alone Forte:
If we don't run the ball, expect to see more nights like last night. Forte was used only when Cutler's arm got tired, or to set up a better FG kick on 3rd down. In the passing game, he was nonexistant. This is a guy who is capable of catching over 50 balls a year - give him the rock.

Bennett is not the only receiver on the team:
As much as my fantasy team approves, there are more receiving options on the field than Bennett. Cutler played "Bizarro Orton" last night, refusing to throw the ball UNDER 10 yards. As a result, Forte and Olsen were largely ignored. If the Pack got wise to Bennett (he was thrown to in quadruple coverage at one point), you have to figure the Steelers will make us pay.

At least he's not Jake Delhomme:
You know what? For a 1st-start against a tough defense, I'm not running from my TV set screaming. Yet.

Notes from Yesterday's Sox Game

Oh hell yes

Even though our season is pretty much over and you're more likely to hear gunshots than fireworks around the ballpark, it's never too late to catch some games. Yesterday, Fisting Andrew Golota and I went to see Sox Prime take on Sox Red - and what a glorious victory it was. I have a few highlights I would like to point out:

Alexei Ramirez playing...smart? Ramirez executed a proper bunt and hit & run with minimal difficulty when called upon - a biog departure from the "free swinging" Ramirez we know and loathe. Let's see if this leads to less mental gaffes.

Mark Kotsay is pulling his weight. Kotsay had two more clutch hits yesterday, one of them driving in two key runs. Kotsay really looks like he's seeing the ball well, and he's most likely earned himself a job for next season whether it be at 1B or in RF.

Alex Rios looks lost. I don't think I've seen him get a single hit - he's four for his last forty six, so it's not really all that surprising. I will say that he needs to ditch his fucked up approach and let the hitting coaches do their jobs. He looks like garbage right now.

Tony Pena pitched...and we won anyways? Seriously, how many of his games have we lost? (Answer - the last 13 games he pitched in were ALL losses. Unreal). I guess there's always a first time for everything, right?

Gordon Beckham didn't play and still got praise heaped on him. Every other inning was Gordon Beckham highlights - I understand the "look at the future" and "we're not going to suck next year" angle, but it's not really a good idea to show that on games where he's not even playing. That's equivalent to us showing Brian Anderson highlights.

Speaking of Brian Anderson...BA was in attendance for the series, as he was part of the Red Sox September callups...and the Sox have won 3/4 games. This is after losing 3/4 in Boston when he was in the minors. I'm telling you - if Anderson is on the field when we are, he's doing whatever he can to help us win. Anderson may be hitting .143 for the Red Sox, but he's hitting 1.000 in your hearts.

Oh, and as for the back of that T-Shirt?

Fuck yeah

I was surprised to find that Brian Anderson White Sox shirts were unavailable in any of the concession stands or merchandise booths. After all, he is largely the reason for the team's success - it's proven. Needless to say, I WILL NOT BE STOPPED. Some people go and have T-Shirts made with their kid's name on them or even their own. Those people think small.

Give the gods their due.

The SI Curse?

(He just saw the Erin Andrews video)

As I have given up on the baseball season I have turned my full attention to the Bears and their quest for the superbowl. Now whenever I talk to keggers before the season we assume the Bears will be amazing but rarely do we get "experts" to agree with us. However, I was perusing the internet and found this tasty bit of info, http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/football/nfl/09/01/main/index.html?bcnn=yes

It seems that our dear friend Peter King at SI thinks that we will beat the Packers and Vikings on our way to the Superbowl. After I jizzed myself thinking about how awesome that would be I cleaned myself up and realized that fat fuck probably cursed us. Its one thing if Keggs and I discuss the Bears going to the superbowl but its another thing for King to give us a curse.

Dong Minions am I crazy or could we possibly go to the superbowl, let me know what you think?

And there's the white flag

We surrender! Please, get Jose Contreras out of here!

Well, this was something that I thought should have happened last offseason, but it's definitely a step in the right direction. The Sox traded away both Jim Thome and Jose Contreras last night, dropping the average age of the team by 5 years (10 when we learn that Contreras isn't really 30-something) and clearing a whole lot of cash for...well, we don't know yet. Probably re-signing Danks to a longer deal and then getting a free agent or two to replace the soon-to-be-gap from Jermaine Dye.

In exchange, the Sox sent cash to get these guys out of town and received Justin Fuller and Brandon Hynick. I don't know a lot about these two guys just yet, other than that Hynick (24) looks like he might be up for the 5th starter spot or long relief sooner than later. Don't worry about Fuller, as he looks like Brent Lillibridge part deux.

So what does it mean? There's a couple possibilities:

#1. The Sox want Tyler Flowers to get real experience
Flowers is hardly a defensive catcher, and with AJ being the force that he is right now, it's not likely that he would get the playing time he needs. However, I do see that a DH spot just opened up for a guy with bad fielding skills...

#2. Josh Fields is worth another look
Another possibility is getting Konerko some time at DH and having Fields play 1B more often. I find this less likely simply because Konerko is a great glove at 1B (he may not have the range, but he can pick missiles out of the dirt) and because Fields is allergic to belt-high fastballs.

#3. Scott Podsednik is unloved
If there's one thing I've noticed this season it's that Pods hasn't really gotten a lot of credit for anything since June, and he hasn't really done anything to earn it. With the acquisitions of Kotsay and Rios, KW is saying "I don't think you're an everyday outfielder." That said, expect Pods to be moved to a Timo Perez-like role next season if the basic outfield returns. If the Sox lose Dye or Quentin (or both), then he gets to keep his job in LF.

#4. Quentin?
Lost in all of this is that Quentin's contract (along with Bobby Jenks and a few other choice names) is expiring at the end of the season. As much as I want to think that the money saved on Thome and Contreras will be spent on a large FA acquisition or resigning a lot of these guys, I expect neither. Unless Quentin comes cheap (and with his injury history, he might), don't expect to see a lot of familiar faces next year. The only player who seems to necessitate a new contract is Danks. After that, it's all in KW's wallet.