Brian Anderson Update: Still Not on the All-Star Roster

I am Batman

Inexplicably, the All-Star voting did not result in Brian Anderson going to the All-Star game. It was not revealed how many votes he got (I'm sure it was on par with Albert Pujols), but there was some sort of behind-the-scenes collusion that resulted in a snub.

Of course, Brian took it all in stride, putting together his most impressive performance to date:

Anderson, the White Sox's first-round pick in the 2003 draft, threw a scoreless first inning Sunday in his professional pitching debut for Kansas City's rookie affiliate in the Arizona League. Anderson, the Sox's 2006 opening day center fielder, struck out two and allowed an infield hit to Yair Lopez of San Diego's rookie team.

Obviously, an overzealous editor got to this copy before it hit the press - let me give you the unedited version:

Brian Motherfucking Anderson, quite possibly the best player ever, threw a scoreless first inning Sunday. This should not surprise you, because he is fucking amazing. He fucking owned the other team. Seriously. They were all like "Oh Shit It's Brian Anderson!" and then the inning was over. Anderson, the Sox's 2006 opening day center fielder, struck out two batters, causing them to shit themselves. Also, it is believed that approximately 80% of the crowd wet their panties, including the males.

That's more like it.

Notes from Yesterday's Sox Game

Oh hell yes

Even though our season is pretty much over and you're more likely to hear gunshots than fireworks around the ballpark, it's never too late to catch some games. Yesterday, Fisting Andrew Golota and I went to see Sox Prime take on Sox Red - and what a glorious victory it was. I have a few highlights I would like to point out:

Alexei Ramirez playing...smart? Ramirez executed a proper bunt and hit & run with minimal difficulty when called upon - a biog departure from the "free swinging" Ramirez we know and loathe. Let's see if this leads to less mental gaffes.

Mark Kotsay is pulling his weight. Kotsay had two more clutch hits yesterday, one of them driving in two key runs. Kotsay really looks like he's seeing the ball well, and he's most likely earned himself a job for next season whether it be at 1B or in RF.

Alex Rios looks lost. I don't think I've seen him get a single hit - he's four for his last forty six, so it's not really all that surprising. I will say that he needs to ditch his fucked up approach and let the hitting coaches do their jobs. He looks like garbage right now.

Tony Pena pitched...and we won anyways? Seriously, how many of his games have we lost? (Answer - the last 13 games he pitched in were ALL losses. Unreal). I guess there's always a first time for everything, right?

Gordon Beckham didn't play and still got praise heaped on him. Every other inning was Gordon Beckham highlights - I understand the "look at the future" and "we're not going to suck next year" angle, but it's not really a good idea to show that on games where he's not even playing. That's equivalent to us showing Brian Anderson highlights.

Speaking of Brian Anderson...BA was in attendance for the series, as he was part of the Red Sox September callups...and the Sox have won 3/4 games. This is after losing 3/4 in Boston when he was in the minors. I'm telling you - if Anderson is on the field when we are, he's doing whatever he can to help us win. Anderson may be hitting .143 for the Red Sox, but he's hitting 1.000 in your hearts.

Oh, and as for the back of that T-Shirt?

Fuck yeah

I was surprised to find that Brian Anderson White Sox shirts were unavailable in any of the concession stands or merchandise booths. After all, he is largely the reason for the team's success - it's proven. Needless to say, I WILL NOT BE STOPPED. Some people go and have T-Shirts made with their kid's name on them or even their own. Those people think small.

Give the gods their due.

Not Done With This Yet

What, did you REALLY think I was going to let this go? Did you think I would take some sort of "normal" route and stop writing about a career minor-leaguer just because he got traded into the black hole that is AAA Pawtuckett?

Go fuck yourself.

Now, it wouldn't really be fair to simply assume that Anderson would continue to perform amazingly well. You have to report on the good news as much as the bad news. And frankly, AAA Pawtuckett is the worst team in the world. Seriously. You know that you have a problem when the team is scouting those with disabilities.

I'm a 4th-baseman!

Just how bad are they? They have a total of FOUR WINS in August, with the majority of losses ranking as crushing defeats. I don't think Pawtuckett has scored more than 5 runs in any game this season. Offensive powerhouses, indeed.

And what of Brian Anderson?

Although he's reached base safely in 7 of his last 10 games, Anderson is batting a paltry .259 with a K/BB spread of 16/2. I attribute this to playing with a broken heart.

While I will continue to cheer for Brian Anderson (and I suggest you do the same unless you're some sort of communist), I must say that this is disheartening news. Brian needs your love, people! WE CAN HELP HIM SUCCEED.

Relaxation Is Good For The Brain

I'm holding up two really tiny paperweights so that I don't float away

In the wake of Anderson-Gate, I find myself looking at the most recent series of Sox moves with a more...rational approach. You know - trying to find the real reasoning behind moves and not grade everything based on my all-sex no-cuddling relationship with Brian Anderson. Let's see if we can analyze a little, shall we?

In the grand scheme of things, to the Sox, Anderson was either the starting CF or a fourth outfielder/pinch runner depending on who you ask. Ozzie has a "need for speed", so part of Anderson's downfall was his inability to steal bases in tough spots (like running on Miguel Olivo four times in three games - bad idea). When you need speed off the bench, you go with D-Wise - that one's logical.

So OK - you've got this fourth OF, and you're looking to make a move to bring in a lefty bat with some pop. Again, this makes sense - other that Thome and occasionally AJ, none of the lefties on the Sox can hit for power (Getz, Podsednik) or hit at all (Wise). Since you need that power off the bench, but also need a defensive replacement for Podsednik/Konerko (and anywhere else is a bonus), you're looking to get a lefty defensive 1B/OF with power potential. Also, because Sox management hates waiting for talent to develop and always thinks they can squeeze "another good year" out of a washed up vet to WIN NOW, you're looking at picking up an older player who probably has a bit of an injury history so that he comes on the cheap.

Or, in other words, Darrin Erstad. Everyone remembers how well that worked out.

Essentially, Kenny got one super-lucky pickup when he snagged Jermaine Dye for the 2005 season and let it go to his head. I've got news for you - a lot of seemingly washed up older players with injury histories don't turn back the clock. In fact, when you're 30+, it's really hard to be that "scrappy guy with the speed" that everyone remembers after a few surgeries and 10+ years in the majors. I wonder if Kenny called Rickey Henderson's agent before the HoF induction just to test the waters.

So now we have Mark Kotsay - AKA Darrin Erstad II. In order to make room for Kotsay on the roster, Ozzie needs to DFA someone. Your options are pretty limited. You either send down Fields (who has options and is quite obviously keeping Anderson's doghouse warm), send down Jayson Nix (who has played as Chris Getz lite - not something to be proud of), or send Bartolo Colon to the DL in advance and let Richard start.

Unsurprisingly, Fields was sent down, and after Jesus appeared to him in a soggy dream, Fields also decided that he wanted to be traded. Can you blame him? I understand the "Anderson was given every chance" argument, but Fields is obviously not a 3rd baseman. He's not even a left fielder. This is a 1B/DH who needs to work on his bat a little bit but has the potential to be a solid hitter (think Herbert Perry back in the day). Instead, Fields is still victimized by belt-high fastballs. If Fields isn't traded by the end of the week for a bunch of no-name pitchers, I will be stunned.

So here we are post-Anderson-Gate. We now have five outfielders instead of four, and two fast-but-can't-hit lefties sitting on the bench instead of one. If both Wise and Kotsay are starting, you know something is wrong (or that Ozzie decided to rest Konerko and Pods on the same day). I don't know where Ozzie got the idea to trade youth for rental depth, but here we are.

As it stands, I'm 90% sure this deal was a colossal fuckup. Kotsay doesn't have the health to play the way he used to, and will likely be used at 1B as a defensive improvement over Josh Fields. I expect his bat to do...pretty much what Erstad's did. There wasn't much of a reason to trade Anderson for that level of depth when you have other players relegated to die in AAA - Wassermann, Garcia, Lillibridge and Ward all come to mind. While Anderson may be psychotically streaky in his hitting, at least he could play CF at the major league level.

I will be tracking the Pawtucket Red Sox to see if the Cult of Brian Anderson works its magic over there. If so, I highly suggest betting on the Red Sox to win the World Series.

Brian Anderson Traded

You...

You bastards.

You bastards!

I am outraged, appalled, and most of all very sad for our Chicago White Sox. It's one thing to give DeWaste of Sperm Wise the starting CF job. It's even worse to demote Brian Anderson, but tolerable. But to trade Anderson to the Red Sox? You motherfuckers. If you haven't bet on the Red Sox to win the World Series yet, I suggest you do. I'm telling you right now that Anderson will be back, he will be amazing, and he will provide his magical pixie powers.

Look Kenny - I know you read the blog regularly. You know about the Cult of Brian Anderson. You know that since being demoted, the Sox are 3-6, the team has looked all kinds of sloppy, and that something is seriously wrong. You will also note that the Charlotte Knights went 5-2 during the brief stint that Anderson was there - a pretty big departure from the 6-11 that the Knights were from July 1st up to the 21st.

I've done everything I can to take my mind off the pain. I watched Soriano's walk-off grand slam. I read up on the extent of Tillman's surgery. I even read news about Brett Favre and then punched myself in the balls. Nothing works.

In exchange for our lord and savior Brian Anderson, the Sox receive Mark Kotsay. I expect Kotsay to play exactly 25 games with the White Sox this season - not a single game more. Here's a breakdown of the last two and a half seasons:

Jul 8, 2009: Missed 2 games (right calf injury).
Jul 6, 2009: Right calf injury, day-to-day.
Jun 2, 2009: Missed 51 games (back surgery).
Apr 4, 2009: Back surgery, 15-day DL (retroactive to March 27).
Jul 1, 2008: Missed 33 games (back injury).
May 30, 2008: Back injury, 15-day DL.
May 26, 2008: Back injury, day-to-day.
Oct 1, 2007: Missed the last 42 games of the regular season (lower back pain).
Sep 10, 2007: Transferred from the 15-day DL to the 60-day DL (lower back pain).
Aug 17, 2007: Lower back pain, 15-day DL (retroactive to Aug 15th).
Aug 10, 2007: Missed 1 game (back injury).
Aug 8, 2007: Back injury, day-to-day.
Jun 1, 2007: Missed 50 games (back injury).
Apr 23, 2007: Transferred from the 15-day DL to the 60-day DL (back injury).
Apr 1, 2007: Back injury, 15-day DL.

And that's JUST from 2007. Remember how all the Sox fans pined to have Aaron Rowand back? Well, instead of doing that let's just get a guy who has the same "I no longer care about living" approach to fielding, but make sure he's older (34) and that his body is incapable of the wear and tear.

I especially love this quote from Ozzie:

"He's going to help us all the way around the field," White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said. "It depends on who needs the rest and where we need him the most."

That's right, ladies and gentlemen - the one year rental cripple will NOT EVEN BE STARTING. Instead, we will watch DeFucking Piece Of Shit Needs To Die Wise continue to stink up CF. If you're a White Sox fan who payed attention at all before Wise's catch in Buerhle's perfect game, you know what I'm talking about. He's terrible. No, terrible is too vague. Remember when Royce Clayton was on the Sox? Take the batting ability, and then subtract the ability to play his position in the field. If you need further proof of how bad he is, watch Wise finish up the game with his last at-bat. He looks the most capable when he has the bat on his shoulder.

So really, we've traded a very capable defensive CF with some hitting problems that never could crack the starting lineup for an older, injury prone defensive CF who is more likely to crack his femur than crack the starting lineup. And we're starting an INCAPABLE CF who can't hit a fucking baseball.

What. The. Fuck.

Oh, and don't give me that "Kotsay is left-handed" business. Wise is also left-handed. And don't tell me it's for "power" as Kotsay has 8 HR in the last three years combined.

Goddamnit.

In other news, Mark Buerhle further enters the annals of history. If Buerhle weren't so fucking amazing I probably would have had another 2-3 paragraphs to bitch about this Anderson trade.

There is no god

Cue the sad "Walking Away" music.

You bastards. You finally did it.

I had hoped, nay, prayed that the combination of Ozzie's preferences and hatred for Anderson would not be enough to sway proper logic. I had hopes that reason would prevail, and that the Sox would make the correct decision when Quentin came off the DL.

Sadly, I was wrong.

Instead, Anderson's last AAA option is used (because heaven forbid we take a risk at losing our lefty sub .200 hitter that plays a lousy CF) to send him down while DeWayne Wise - somehow - continues to hold a spot on this team.

What the hell are you guys doing!?

Anderson hits better (doesn't take much), fields better (obviously), and runs comparably to Wise. Also, Anderson can TAKE A FUCKING WALK, as evidenced by the three that Wise has vs Anderson's 20). With Quentin not at 100%, you're going to be resting him in the late innings and in blowouts. Also, as evidenced by yesterday's "jumping at the wall for no reason", Pods can't really play center anymore.

Do you really want your "defensive replacement" to be DeWayne Wise? That's like having Thome play 1st base. Sure, he can do it, but it's not going to be pretty.

I'm so pissed right now.

Sox Finally Win: Brian Anderson Theory Strengthened

I am Batman!

We've previously discussed the phenomenon known as the Brian Anderson effect, and the reality is that while the formula is solid, it is far from perfect. Thankfully, there are people like ME who obsess over all things Brian Anderson and are capable of forgoing human interaction for days in order to nail down the formula.

AND I'VE DONE IT.

First, let's start with the basics - Brian Anderson NEEDS to be in the game for the Sox to win games. This is just a fact. The since May 12th, there have been 7 games that Brian Anderson was entirely uninvolved in. The Sox lost all seven of these games. Over the course of the entire season, the Sox are 6-15 when Anderson isn't in the game at all.

But frankly, even when the Sox DO have Anderson in the game, we don't always seem to win. I mean, our team record is a depressing 28-33 - if Anderson has been in 40 games, we should have 40 wins...except that there's just a little more to it than that: Dewayne Wise is the Yang to Brian Anderson's overwhelming Yin.

BEST. FART. EVER.

See, Dewayne Wise has an incredible ability - he can negate the mightiness that is Brian Anderson. First of all, if Dewayne Wise gets two or more AB's, the Sox tend to lose. Since Wise's DL stint, the Sox are 2-6 in games where Wise has 2 ABs or more. To contrast, when Wise has been used as a late replacement or pinch runner, the Sox are an impressive 5-1.

Now, here's the kicker - depending on the order that the two are used, Anderson can cancel out a Dewayne Wise performance. However, there are very specific rules for this to occur. First of all, Brian Anderson doesn't like to work his magic in blowouts - that's just boring. If the Sox are losing 5-0 and Anderson comes in for the 9th, there's only so much he can do. However, if the Sox are tied or losing by 1-3 runs when Anderson comes into the game in the 8th or 9th, the Sox are 3-0.

Essentially, if the Sox want to win they need to:
1. Start Brian Anderson (duh)
2. If they absolutely have to put Dewayne Wise in, keep his at-bats to a minimum.
3. If we're losing late, put in Anderson as a pinch-hitter.

And here's another interesting fact - in games in which we get absolutely annihilated that Anderson plays in (lose by 5 or more runs), Anderson is hitting over .500. Wow.

Worshipping Brian Anderson

After yesterday's White Sox win, it's time to start looking for an explanation. You know what I mean - the inexplicable "winning" thing that seem to have taken off around, oh, May 19th (incidentally, the day Brian Anderson was activated from the DL...). Okay, we've been over this before, but it needs to be said again: the White Sox are winning because of Brian Anderson. I don't really know how else to explain it - as much as Ozzie wants to keep Anderson in the doghouse (oh, and if you were wondering why Lance Broadway was traded last week, look no further than Ozzie), it cannot be denied that he is our lord and savior.

Just look at these stats from May:

Games Played: 28
Games Played Without Brian Anderson: 16
Games Played With Brian Anderson: 12
Record in Games Without Brian Anderson: 4-12
Record in Games With Brian Anderson: 9-3

That's just all sorts of batshit crazy. Sure, Anderson is actually sort of productive at the moment (hitting .275), and is lightyears better than having Lillibridge start on the roster, but let's be honest here - he's Brian Anderson. He's not going to keep this up (as much as I want him to).

Yesterday's game was a prime example.

The Sox were up against the best pitcher in the AL (Zach Greinke), and were trailing until a mini-rally in the 5th. DeWayne Wise, in his first game back from the DL, did absolutely nothing. The score remained tied until the 9th, when Ozzie finally relented to reason and decided to bring in his best player:

Goddamnit! OK, Fine! I guess I have to put in that douchebag Anderson...

And hey, guess what? Anderson draws a walk in his only at-bat, scores, and facilitates a 3-run 9th inning that blows the game open. Jenks comes on, White Sox win, and Anderson saves the day yet again.

Anyone else a believer in the Cult of Brian Anderson?