Oney Guillen is a Douche Nozzle

Exhibit A

Look, I hate to rip on the Guillen family. Ozzie is a great ballplayer, he brought us a championship in '05, and watching the teleprompter try and figure out what the hell he's saying at live pressers is comedy gold. Even so, this shit with Oney has to stop.

Bobby Jenks is a fat alcoholic redneck with anger issues. In related news, the sky is blue, socks go on your feet, and you never go ass to mouth. That's some fine detective work, Oney. Seriously, you think people don't know that? Jesus Christ, look at the guy. You don't just come out and say stuff like that.

Likewise, you don't call someone else's integrity into question. Yes, Jenks "started it." Whoop-de-do. Jenks was pissed that he was getting mixed signals from the club, felt like he hadn't been treated right, and felt that he "earned" more respect. Fine. True or not, that is a direct shot at Ozzie (and maybe even Kenny) but no one else. Nowhere in Jenks' salvo did he mention you, Oney.

Where the fuck do you get off questioning someone else's integrity anyways? Last I checked, you got fired from a nepotistic dream job because you couldn't keep your fucking mouth shut. You are not the manager. You are not even associated with the team at this point. You are nothing more than the direct offspring of the manager. That would be the equivalent of expecting Terry Francona's kid to speak up. Come on.

While I'm at it, can you learn to spell or use punctuation? It's brutal! I can make a fake Oney post. Watch this:

i am a gigntic douchenozzle u should shut ur mouth bc im oney and im cool and stuff

Amazing. Talk about tapping into talent.

So where do we go from here? I expect Ozzie to do all of the following:

#1. Distance himself from Oney and lay down the smack. You do not want to be categorized as the manager who spills clubhouse secrets, and certainly don't want to be shown as nepotistic. Call out Oney for being a little bitch, and tell him to fuck off. Tough love.

#2. Ignore Bobby. What good is arguing going to do here? I think that Guillen is one of the better managers in the league when it comes to using his pitchers. There are some weird mental gaps there, sure, but can you blame him for not trusting Bobby after watching him get lit up three nights a week? Don't even acknowledge his comments. Wish him will in Boston, and move on.

#3. Set some ground rules. No more of this shit. Talk to all your kids, Ozzie. Have a clubhouse meeting. This is the sort of shit that divides clubhouses and gets people fired. Air your dirty laundry in a proper team environment (read: not the media). This cannot happen again. Make that clear.

Merry Christmas!

Korver is absolutely killing it in this video.

BEARS BEARS BEARS

Israel... always the aggressor

The Bears put a hurting on the Vikings on MNF yesterday, knocking Favre out of the game en route to a 40-14 victory.

With the win, the Bears move to a commanding 10-4 and lock up the NFC North.

I'm pretty sure that just about every "expert" predicted the Bears to finish third in the division behind the Packers and Vikings with 6-8 wins being the consensus. Well, we're not who they thought we were...

Turns out everything the coaching staff has been saying all season is accurate: the O-line just needed time to gel, the WR's needed time to get used to Martz's new schemes, the defense needed to get healthy and Cutler will be just fine. Turn the clock back 14 weeks and everyone is talking about how our O-line can't protect Cutler, how Cutler can't be a high-caliber QB while throwing careless INT's all the time (he can!!) and how Urlacher was washed up, Peppers was a waste of money, Hester can't play WR and is now ineffective at returning kicks and Greg Olsen needed to be traded.

Now, the picture is a bit different:

Division champs baby! Just another dominating performance by our defense and special teams - 2 critical factors for any team looking to make a playoff run. Both can dramatically change the game in an instant, especially with our takeaway-focused defense.

Let's kick the shit out of the Packers in week 17 just for giggles.

-KEG

Congrats on 10K, TJ

Beefy.

The NY Times had an awesome article about TJ before the game yesterday, as he was on the verge of surpassing 10,000 career rushing yards.

After grinding out (and he doesn't run for yards, he only grinds or rumbles for them) 62 yards against the Rams, TJ is now only the third active player (Tomlinson, Fred Taylor) to hold that achievement in the NFL. At 32 years old, he's now #25 all time and aside from Terry Allen, the only player in the top 150 to play for 5 different teams (and Allen was traded late in his career, not in his prime).

The article played up the main themes that seem to always describe TJ: ridiculous work ethic, lack of pretense and being totally under appreciated. The Times took a similar approach in another article from last summer where they dug into his family background and his career history.

Jones is the kind of player that nobody ever talks about and is someone who will quickly be forgotten a few years after he retires (hopefully in 2020).

Nobody will talk about the punishment he took in Chicago, facing 9 guys in the box with Craig Krenzel, Rex Grossman, Chad Hutchinson, Kyle Orton and Brian Griese all taking turns missing easy 5 yard outs while playing make-believe NFL quarterback.

Nobody will talk about how he rumbled for over 1000 yards for every year of his 4 year contract with the Jets. Or that he holds the single game franchise record with 210 yards. Or the little things that get buried without statistics, like how he saved the Jets by converting and end of game 4th and 1 against an entire defensive set, 3 boulders and a small truck to beat SD in the playoffs last season.

And sure, Jamaal Charles is a nice change of pace back but TJ still runs the crowded box downs (1st and 2nd) and short yardage. He's 32. He's still averaging 4.0 yards/carry. He's still a beast. And I didn't even MENTION his biceps (which are glorious).

I've only heard him complain twice: the first time about Cedric Benson being entitled (holy shit was he right) and the second about Brett Favre milking attention (ditto).

Here's a guy who plays the game the way we always want our heroes to play - dedicated, committed, a great teammate, humble and leads by example. Just shut up and play hard, letthe stats speak for themselves. Winning always comes before personal accolades.

This is the kind of player we all want on our teams. He is the kind of guy we all wish was more like our own best player (especially if you live in Philly and have to root for DeSean Jackson, that insufferable egomaniac - compare his post game press conference to Devin Hester's and you'll know what I'm talking about).

So, congrats TJ. Just like everything you've achieved in your career, it's hard earned and well deserved despite being mostly unnoticed.

-KEG

Respect the Dong!

Damn right Dtosh! "RESPECT THE DONG"

Quick updates, as it's been a few weeks:

1) Bears: Managed to steal another win from the Lions (holy shit those are some suffering fans) thanks to a fake penalty on Suh for trying but thankfully failing to kill Jay Cutler. I'll take it! tough loss to the Pats at home last week but we were due for a turd and there's no shame in dropping it against the hottest team in football. Let's just make sure we can bounce back this week and get a win against the Vikes (hopefully sans Favrenis) and maybe even at a neutral site after their stupid stadium had bad case of explosive Taco Bell-style snow diarrhea.

2) Bulls: Yeah baby! Riding high at 15-8 with 6 straight wins and Boozer is starting to round into form (22-18 last night). Derrick Rose is basically unstoppable and can play through injuries so the rest of the league is fucked.

Kobe said it best:

"I can tell when a player truly wants to be better and does what it takes to improve," Bryant said Thursday, one night before the rematch in Chicago. "It was a quality I had when I was growing up. … I admire that about him. I could really see it from last year to this year."

"He's got a long-range ball now," Bryant said. "He can pop behind the pick and shoot the jumper. He can pull up off the dribble and shoot it, and him getting to the rim goes unquestioned. He's putting the time in the gym, and I certainly respect that."

Also, this is adorable:

3) White Sox: Gepetto covered everything in the last two posts but I'm excited to have Paulie back. It would be weird to see him in another uniform... Also glad to bring Dunn on board, he'll hit a bunch of dingers in the Cell. Now, if we can get our rotation healthy...

4) Cubs:

How can anyone take this franchise seriously anymore? Can't throw money at the problems (well you can. And you did. And you failed.) so now what? The baseball gods show no mercy.

-KEG

PAULIE

THIS FISH-EYE LENS MAKES MY JUNK LOOK HUUUUUUGE!

Where the hell is that Staples button, because that was easy. Three years, $37.5 million, and an insane 1-2 punch with Dunn for at least the next three years. That's exciting.

Let's take a look at our roster, shall we?

C: AJ
1B: Paulie
2B: Beckham
SS: Ramirez
3B: Teahen (really? I give this two weeks before Morel is playing 3B again and Teahen platoons)
LF: Pierre
CF: Rios
RF: Quentin (switch with Dunn as needed)
DH: Dunn

That's fucking good. With Rios, Dunn, Quentin, Ramirez and Paulie you're looking at 150 HR potential. Yeah, we're going to be "station-to-station" again, but we never really were built for speed. Deal with it, Ozzie.

Oh, and that pitching rotation?

1: Peavy
2: Jackson
3: Floyd
4: Danks
5: Buerhle

Holy fuckballs. That could be the best rotation in baseball. Yeah, Peavy may not be back proper this season (in which case we say hello to Lucas Harrel again - you could do worse). Yeah, our bullpen needs a few less question marks (Thornton, Sale, Santos...Pena...Nunez...Dolsi?). So what? This team has serious potential. Stay healthy, stay strong, and see you in October.

Oh, and the Cubs signed Tony Pena or something. Fuck that guy.

Dunn Dunn DUNNNNNN!!!

But MOOOOOOOOOM!

Well, KW certainly has been busy this offseason. Look at everything he has accomplished in the last 72 hours:

#1. Sox sign Adam Dunn to a 4-year deal
#2. Sox trade Linebrink
#3. Sox sign Pierzynski
#4. Sox non-tender Jenks
#5. Ron Santo dies

Seriously, this is probably the best 72 hours I have experienced as a Sox fan since 2005. You can't argue with that kind of production!

Let's take these one at a time, shall we?

#1. Sox sign Adam Dunn. I like this move, and I don't like this move. On the one hand, it further cements the "Kenny Gets His Man" Mantra, which is something I would have hoped would have been disproved by now. I wouldn't be surprised if the Sox get Rafael Soriano in 2017 just because Kenny wanted him now (see: Griffey, Ken; Ramirez, Manny; Alomar, Roberto).

There's lots of signs that Dunn will play LF or DH next year if Konerko comes back, but as much as Reinsdorf loves Paulie, I can't imagine that he'll open the checkbook that far...especially with Ozzie trying to go away from the longball. Yeah, I know all about this "deferred contract" business, but c'mon.

That said, even though Dunn has more K's than the rest of the Nationals pitching staff combined, the guy can do some serious damage - especially at the homer-friendly Cell. If Paulie comes back, I'll upgrade this from a "passive excitement" to "holy shitballs."

#2. Sox trade Linebrink. Addition by subtraction. The fact that we got money out of this is even better (further evidence that Paulie is returning). Cofield is just a name to attach to this deal. Some would say it's a cash dump, I say I would prefer to start anything instead of Linebrink. Great move.

#3. Pierzynski re-signs. Not sure how I feel about this one. The contract is back-loaded, which means that we're going to be kinda fucked in 2012 when AJ is hitting .230 while commanding $8 million. The $2 million this year shows that he's willing to take a cash hit to get Paulie in (good show), and that we have no faith in Flowers or Castro. I personally think that once Flowers started ignoring the coaching staff's comments on his swing (and his average rose .200 points), he got to a better place. I guess we take a "wait and see" approach. AJ is still a good clubhouse character to have around. Who thought I would be saying THOSE words when AJ signed the first time!?

#4. Sox non-tender Jenks. Thank god. I was actually worried that the Sox were going to try and keep him on for whatever reason, or that they were going to offer Arbitration in the hopes that he declined so that we could get a draft pick. I can tell you right now that I wouldn't pay more than $3 million a year for his services - nowhere near the double-digits that he was expected to get from arbitration. Spooky.

#5. Ron Santo dies. Not sure how you pulled that one off, KW, but I gotta give credit for efficiency where due.

BEARS ARE 8-3!

I thought the circus clowns left Chicago last week...

Despite Daryl Johnston's off-field distractions, the Bears just won the biggest game of the season.

We contained Michael Vick, shut down the most explosive WR tandem in the NFL (Jackson, Maclin) and we put up points on the #3 ranked defense (albeit without Asante Samuel).

We are now unequivocally the best team in the NFC and with the Packers losing earlier today, we also have a commanding lead in the NFC North.

A few quick observations:

• Our offense looks balanced. The fans and weak O-line forced Martz to commit to the run 3 weeks ago. It's not unrelated that we've gone 3-0 since then. Forte is explosive and dangerous with enough touches while the run game as a whole keeps the defense honest, grinds the clock and plays to our O-line's strengths (undersized - stout and quick).

• Julius Peppers is a constant difference maker. Every play, all game long, he's going 110%. It's insane. He's clearly inspired the rest of the unit to pursue through the whistle (something we've lacked for the last 2 years). Idonije and Melton are clearly learning from Peppers and his motor is contagious.

• Special Teams gives us a huge advantage. Hester has been incredible (thankfully, they finally decided to rotate him at WR instead of forcing him to be a WR1) and Dan Manning is a beast. we gain an extra 20-40 yards every change of possession. Field position is so underrated.... especially when we have a coffin kick specialist in Maynard.

We're playing inspired football right now. We've got the us-against-the-world-attitude just like we did in 2007 when we went to the Super Bowl. All the "experts" have been saying we're overrated and have huge problems with the O-line and with Cutler's attitude. (Also, I loved his unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. SHOW ME THE FIRE, JAY!). Look, if nobody wants to take us seriously, that's fine - see you in Dallas.

-KEG

MJ gives LeBron a Steaming Hot Carl

I assume this is a mashup someone made but holy crap is it awesome.

Someone should force LeBron to watch this on repeat until he wins a championship.

-KEG

Gepetto vs Keggers?

Yes, our teams really are that bad

This week is big.

Much like Christmas and Independence Day, there is one day in the year that I look forward to more than any other:

The day that Keggers and I play each other in Fantasy week.

I prefer to call this day "Scrambled Eggs Day" or "Judgment Day" or even "You Will Fucking Lose" day. Currently, my team is in last place. That's right boys and girls - as a (karma induced?) victim of the buzzsaw in multiple weeks, I find myself in the top half of the league in points scored, but number one in points against. Last week was an especially painful loss (130 - 140) that pushed me further into the depths of the basement as I clawed my way towards freedom.

Let's see how this week's matchup is going to play out, shall we?

QB - Eli Manning (21) vs Jay Cutler (9.57). I've got this one easy. As much as I love Cutler, Thursday night's conservative offense did Keggers no favors. If Manning tops 100 yards and a TD (and I expect he will with a shootout against Philly in the making), then I already get more points. Winner: Gepetto

RB1: Rashard Mendenhall (17) vs Steven Jackson (14). Despite fucking me over last week with a non-existant performance, the universe knows that Mendenhall is generally good for 16 points any given week. Throw in the fact that he has a matchup against Oakland, and you can bet that the Steelers will try and control the game with the run. SJax is also quite a player, although I expect that he will largely be taken out of the game to block once St Louis starts losing early to Atlanta's high powered offense. Winner: Gepetto

RB2: Fred Jackson (11) vs Shonne Green (11). Even though Jackson had an insane week last week, Buffalo is still a team with only one win on the season. If I believed for a second that they could hold a lead against Cincy, I would give myself the nod here. On the flip side, Green has been non-existent almost all season, and has taken a serious backseat to LT. I say both get about 10 points for their owners. Winner: Push.

WR1: Calvin Johnson (21) vs Hines Ward (11). Not even close. Hines is a baller (when he isn't concussed), but there is no stopping Calvin this year. Shaun Hill has no problems with force feeding him jump balls, and CJ couldn't be happier. Winner: Keggers

WR2: Jabar Gaffney (9) vs Brandon Marshall (5.6). Normally I would have given Keggers the edge here, but 5.6 points? Really? Gaffney is averaging 9. I think I've got this one in the bag. Winner: Gepetto.

WR3: Mike Thomas (9) vs Pierre Garcon (13). While Thomas had an amazing week for me last week, he has a tougher matchup and a pretty low chance of catching a 50-yard hail mary off of a riccochet. Garcon has all the tools to be amazing (and a WR1), but so far has been a huge disappointment this season. Even so, the guy can be much more dangerous than Thomas when he's clicking. Winner: Keggers

TE: Jacob Tamme (13) vs Tony Gonzalez (6). Tamme is the best TE in football right now. The man has put up double-digits in each of his last three (and only three) starts. Try and keep up when all you're doing is blocking for the run game, Tony. Winner: Gepetto.

K: Shayne Graham (9) vs Adam Vinatieri (12). Both are good, but Graham seems to be a little less accurate than the guy with the superbowl rings and the more potent offense. It's gonna be close, but I give Vinatieri the nod here. Winner: Keggers.

DEF: Bears (18) vs Kansas City (9). If the Bears hadn't already played, I would give this one a push. Frankly, Arizona is awful and KC should put up a big game against them. Then again, the Bears already gave me a delicious 18 points. You're fucked. Winner: Gepetto

Tally it all up, and what do you get? I'll tell you. Final score 118 - 100. Gepetto wins despite the monster day from Calvin Johnson. Kneel before Zod.

Too funny

I couldn't not post this. So awesome.

(via nyc.barstoolsports.com)

Bears D beats Dolphins

Holy crap, are we 7-3?

That was the most boring football game I've ever seen.

Tyler Thigpen sucks, yet, was only marginally worse that Jay Cutler (both had a QB rating ~60). Cutler escaped with only 1 INT (he actually threw 3 but they were dropped or on penalties) and no TD's. However, his "decision making" was somehow better, according to Joe Thiesmann, who might be some kind of self-aware cookie trapped in a human body.

It wasn't pretty, but the Bears improved to 7-3 on a short week (4 days rest) and sit on top of the NFC (which will look even better when the Giants lose to the Vicks on Sunday). We're also undefeated in the division with wins over the Packers and Vikings.

Most importantly, the Bears showed 3 major improvements:

1) The offensive line is getting better. Not quite good yet, but better.

2) We can establish a run game, it just takes time. Forte/Taylor can drive the ball and our schemes are decent, when Cutler is hitting his short passes.

3) The pass rush actually can cover up for our weak(er) secondary. Should out to big Henry Melton, who has been getting better every week after replacing Mark Anderson. He and Israel Idonije have been bringing the heat with the attention focused on Peppers/Urlacher/Briggs.

I'm not convinced we can cover big physical WR's (Marshall could have had 200 yards if he wasn't a spaz and didn't get hurt) but our defense was VERY good tonight. Let's not forget, Thigpen was no worse than Cutler and they boast Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams in the backfield yet, they couldn't move the ball at all, all night long.

Feeling good right now, even though we SHOULD be 9-1 (Washington and Seattle were very winnable) but can't complain.

The whole season comes down to the next 6 weeks - if we can finish over .500, it's playoff time.

-KEG

P.S. How awkward must that meeting have been for Cutler and Marshall? They could have set every conceivable Broncos record playing together in Denver for 10 years and instead, both complained their way out of town. Now, Cutler is dying for a go-to receiver (like Marshall) and Marshall is dying for a big-armed, over confident QB (like Cutler). Grass is always greener... idiots.

Pack Your Bags?

This is a VERY important game for the Bears.

With a win, the Bears go to 6-3 with division wins against the Vikings and Packers and we're looking good for a playoff berth.

With a loss, we drop to a single game above the Vikings and 2 games back of the Packers. We also have a really tough remaining schedule (MIA, PHI, DET, NE, MIN, NYJ, GB) so a win here is critical.

We'd be lucky to go 3-4 in these last seven games and I worry 9 wins won't be enough for the playoffs.

And, of course, if we're not headed the playoffs, Lovie better be able to pack a quick suitcase.

Last time we played the Vikings, Favre carved us up for a million yards. Let's hope we can hit the old man a few times and get a few turnovers (cause god knows we're going to give them the ball at least 3 times).

Big game. Let's go Bears.

-KEG

Joe Noah is Fucking Awesome

He may look like a hippie but big Joe isn't afraid to drop bombs...

From ESPN Chicago:

Joakim Noah's candor is a quality that separates the Chicago Bulls center from many athletes, and when the subject is Boston Celtics forward Kevin Garnett, Noah's candor can turn into biting commentary.

Noah has gone from a fan who once had a Garnett poster in his room to someone who probably has a Garnett photo on his dartboard.

"Kevin Garnett will not -- will not -- get a Christmas gift from me," Noah said with a tinge of humor Wednesday on "The Waddle & Silvy Show" on ESPN 1000. "I don't like him."

The feud started, or perhaps escalated, during last season's playoffs. After Garnett was suspended for throwing an elbow at Quentin Richardson, Noah -- who was in Cleveland playing the Cavaliers -- chimed in that Garnett was a "dirty player."

The most recent incident was Friday night in Boston when Noah received a technical foul, and afterward said of Garnett: "He is who he is."He's a very mean guy," Noah said Wednesday. "Where's the love? None at all. Ugly, too."

Noah said what makes the relationship difficult is how big a fan he was of Garnett before entering the NBA in 2007.

"I had his poster in my room," Noah said. "I used to wear his jersey. And the truth is my rookie year, I was in admiration of this guy, and he kind of shut me down. And he was very mean to me my rookie year. And he's only mean to the young guys and the [European players], for some reason. I don't know why, but that's who he doesn't like. He's not nice. I talk a lot of trash out there, but c'mon, be a little sensitive. Be sweet." The Bulls play in Boston on Dec. 3.

I love Joe Noah.

We all know KG is a huge prick. He's been a huge dick ever since his skills started slipping and he started getting a rep for being soft. He's always barking at everyone, notoriously picking on smaller and weaker players. Last week he got in trouble for telling Charlie Villanueva that he looked like a cancer patient. (Pathetic attempt to dig himself out of it by claiming he said he was "a cancer" to his team. What a cock.)

Joe Noah is the shit. I don't know how anyone doesn't like him or his game. He plays hard all the time, hustles like crazy, holds his own against anyone and gets better in big games. He's an awesome teammate and I'd argue one of the best overall centers in the NBA.

I also love that he has no qualms about calling out KG in public. Reminds me of when he called out LeBron for being a bitch last season. LeBron was doing his little dance and shit and taking an hour to shoot free throws and Noah just started ripping into him (mind you, this is an during an away game):

I respect the hell out of Joe Noah. I can't say enough good things about the guy. I just want to hang out with him... seems like an awesome dude to have a beer with and a guy you'd want on your side in a street fight. I feel like Champ in Anchorman. "I think you and me should get an apartment together!"

LUOL'S DONG ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT: FISTO'S FOREST

At Keggers' request, I'm uploading (and reviewing) a very special video from his childhood. What we have here is some classic cinema, '80s style. Let's get started, shall we?

Wow.

OK, let's take a minute and review what's going on here. First things first: This Fisto guy is a total bear. I mean, let's examine the facts here:

1. Beard.

2. Tiny shorts

3. Christ on a cock, his name is FISTO. Which, as some of our Latino readers might notice, is Spanish for "fist." Don't even get me started on that spider thing that shoots sticky white stuff. The only way the show's writers could've been more blatant is if they named this character BUTTFUCKO, and gave him a boy sidekick who was walking funny and bleeding out of his asshole.

Back to the show...

I like how Fisto is reluctant to accept help from the girl at the end. Kind of like Bennett from Commando: "I DON'T NEED THE GIRL!!" And how he feels that Skeletor won't take him back now that he's "changed." I bet that's how a lot of young men feel after coming out to their parents. There's a deeper lesson to be learned here, people.

Well, now you know what Kegs talks about in therapy. For Luol's Dong A&E, this is Fisting Andrew Golota, getting the fuck out of here.

Grumpy Old Men

Go read Smells Like Mascot

Enough of this basketball bullshit! You think I care about Luol Deng dropping points - let alone anything other than his engorged hoagie? You sir, are mistaken. Also, Lu, if you're reading this, your shirt is in the mail. More on this later...

Instead, let's talk about Omar Vizquel for a sec. Y'see, father time here is going to be sticking around with the Sox for another season. What does that mean for us? Well, it's actually going to mean a few things, but this one is the most important:

We're probably not re-signing Konerko

Sure, I could have told you that he's due a huge payday that the Sox can't really afford during mini-rebuilding, but Reisndorf would suck a golfball through a garden hose for that guy. It's not about the money. It's about having a place to play. Currently, the expected infield works out to something like this:

3B: Vizquel (spelled by utility infielder X...probably Morel/Lillibridge)
SS: Ramirez
2B: Beckham
1B: Teahen
DH: Viciedo
C: Pierzynski/Castro (Flowers isn't ready yet)

There's two schools of thought. School of thought one is that Viciedo is the DH, The other is that Viciedo plays 1B. Either way, Teahen has shown that someone twice his age is better with the glove (and Teahen is on the hook for a while too). Also, Mark Kotsay will probably be buried before he gets cut, so that's another fleshy body to throw at the 1B position.

Unless Kenny gets into "win now" mode again (and I don't think he can given how much the division is going to be improved from last year), Paulie is going to be an Angel.

Can anyone make my fantasy team win a game? Jesus.

Deng Dong!

Remember me?

A few things to consider:

• Luol Deng is only 25 years old and this is already his 7th season.
• Three years ago, he was nearly traded for Kobe Bryant (possibly the third best player of all time).
• He's become the best all around defender on the Bulls and arguably one of the best defensive SF's in the NBA.

Everyone was so adamant about getting LeBron to fill the "void" we have at the 3 spot over the summer and now that same group of fans are loudly clamoring for Melo after 2 games, after a few bad shooting nights from Deng. Let's not forget that Luol Deng is a versatile, all-around talent who has managed to contribute at a high level on very different rosters in an array of roles: scorer, defender, facilitator, swing man, rebounder, whatever. He gets the job done at both ends of the court and he's a good teammate.

Deng went 14/19 for 40 points and also locked down All-Star Brandon Roy (4-12, 17 points). He hit outside shots, drove to the basket and opened up the court for Rose. He's doing all the things Melo would do, minus the god complex.

When Boozer gets healthy, the Bulls will have a top 5 PG who can shoot and slash, a top 5 low post scorer who can hit shots and finish at the rim and a top 5 center who hits the boards and is a defensive monster. Pair those 3 up with Deng, who can be the glue (rather than a guy who needs the ball like Mel0) and it just makes everyone better. Not necessarily on paper, but in chemistry and in wins, which is all that matters.

Deng might be the Horace Grant or the Lamar Odom of this team: he'll do whatever needs to get done in order to win. He has the swiss-army knife of tools to contribute anything on any given night. I think that makes him more valuable than Melo for this stacked Bulls team, despite the gap in talent.

The Bulls look great through 3 games (2-1 with a tough loss to the Durants). I'm loving Thibodeau's defense and chemistry. Loving the improvement from Rose/Noah and can't wait for Boozer to hit the court. Deng might just be the missing piece that nobody is talking about...

-KEG

Derrick Rose has arrived

39 points, 6 boards, 7 assists, 2 steals and 2 blocks.

He probably would have dropped 40 last game too if he wasn't in foul trouble in the first half.

Also, little note, Joe Noah's stat line for first 2 games:

15pt 17reb 1ast 1stl 3blk
18pt 19reb 2ast 2stl 2blk

That's outlandish!

I hope you grabbed him in your fantasy league... Dude is a BEAST.

Bulls are looking tough - loving the way Taj is pounding the boards, loving Noah (obviously) and Rose looks like he's taken the jump. Is it too early to get excited? I'm excited.

-KEG

A Comedy of Errors

Fear of death can negatively effect decision making...

Five beers and a smashed TV remote later, the Bears pissed away another winnable game, 17-14.

Not really sure where to start here, so I'll rattle off 3 relevant statistics:

• 9TO's in the game
• 4INT's and a fumble lost for Cutler, 2 TO's in the red zone.
• 2 defensive TD's

Clearly not an elegant display of football artistry this afternoon. It was kind of the worst game I've ever seen but also a ridiculously entertaining and close game until the end.

At first, the game had the same stink of our last 3 losses: no line protection, no running game and a lot of sloppy play calling. Cutler running for his life, the receivers pulling up on routes and the defense spending too much time on the field.

Then we started to pull it together at the end of the first half. The running game is starting to pick up steam (opened up by the passing game) and Cutler finally converts a 3rd down to Hester and caps off the last drive with a big TD pass. Up 14-10 headed into halftime, I'm feeling pretty good.

Then:

Since I don't want to rant for 10 more hours, let's just say that Cutler looked like bad Rex and I was ready to strangle Lovie Smith to death with his own challenge flag.

HOW DO YOU NOT CHALLENGE THAT TOUCHDOWN (or, "fumble" according to the refs) ON THE 1 YARD LINE??? ARE YOU INSANE??!?

I mean, how do you challenge the clear non-TD by Bennett and then NOT challenge the clear yes-TD by Cutler? Who is manning the booth upstairs? I WANT NAMES. Absolutely inexcusable.

Troy Aikman was calling the game and kept trying to find excuses for Cutler (Knox stopped short on an INT, Hester didn't come back to the ball on another) but there is no excuse for throwing the last INT. Knox wasn't open. There was no seam. It wasn't 4th and long. Just a bad decision and it ended the game. I'd love to see the numbers on how many games we've ended with a Cutler INT.

I'm also tired of hearing how bad our talent is on the O-line. I mean, we have Olin Kreutz who goes to the Pro Bowl every year and Chris Williams is a first round pick. We've also got Omiyale who would start on most teams. Sure, our RG and RT positions aren't great but that's no excuse for our line to look like the JV Dillon Panthers. I blame Mike Tice and his stupid face. I can't stand looking at him. He's so smug all the time. Shut up Mike Tice, you suck, you were a bad head coach and you haven't gotten anything out of our unit all season. You've almost killed our franchise QB in the past 6 games. Time to get fired.

I'm generally a staunch Lovie supporter but I swear to god I was ready to tear his fucking head off today. No fire, no gameplan, lazy schemes... thankfully our defense is good and talented (I'm starting to love DJ Moore) and kept us in the game anyway. Martz seems like the only guy who gives a shit on offense, most likely because he wants to redeem his legacy as an offensive genius. I like Martz and I think he's doing a good job. We're just not executing.

Which brings me to Cutler.

Ah, Jay Cutler.

So polarizing...

I'll give it one more game before I pass judgement. My judgement will be fair, swift and merciless.

I am a kind god.

-KEG

Climbing The Shit Ladder

There...I can almost see 1-6...

It's not easy having the worst record in Fantasy Football. I know, because I'm there right now.

Now, I know what you're all thinking: "But wait! You're the best FF player ever! You make the playoffs every year! Is this real life!?"

Sadly dear friends, this is indeed real life. All hope has not been lost, though. Let's look at how I started the year, and where I'm at now:

Before
QB: Favre (C+)
RB1: Ronnie Brown (B-)
RB2: Ryan Grant Tim Hightower (D+)
WR1: Randy Moss (B+)
WR2: Malcolm Floyd (A-)
WR3: Miles Austin (A)
TE: Jermaine Gresham (C+)

After
QB: Drew Brees (A+)
RB1: Joseph Addai (B+)
RB2: DeAngelo Williams (B+)
WR1: Johnny Knox (B)
WR2: Hines Ward (B)
WR3: Jabbar Gaffney (B-)
TE: Dallas Clark Chris Cooley (A)

That is a vast improvement!

How did I do it? For starters, I begged and groveled and dry humped just about every manager in the league. Then I cajoled. Then I made a bad trade (Favre and Austin for Vick and Gaffney...the week right before Vick got hurt). Down, but not out, am I right?

Actually, I'm not going to break down what happened exactly (it's messy), but here are some things to keep in mind:

#1. One man's trash is another man's treasure. Team A might have dropped his 5th runningback to pick up a different player to cover a bye week, but he might be a good RB! Hell, he might even be useful to you! Good examples of "could be useful" players: CJ Spiller, Cadillac Williams, Mike Tolbert, Danny Amendola, Louis Murphy, John Carlson, Mike Williams.

#2. Never be afraid to deal for players solely to trade them. Just because another manager hasn't able to effectively shop a player doesn't mean you can't. Trade for that player who has been on the block for a whole month, and find a new way to make him attractive to a buyer. Some people put air fresheners in used cars, sometimes value is value.

#3. Anticipate. I was trying to deal Dallas Clark for three days before this "he is out for multiple weeks" news came. Read the signs - no injury report, missed time, and they signed another TE. When all of this comes during a bye week, you're in trouble.

#4. Don't send kids pictures of your dick. I suppose this is a life lesson more than anything else.

Giveaway!

The only nightmare you could have in this bed, is that it's yours...

Do you sleep?

Of course you do.

When was the last time you went shopping for new bed sets?

I bet it's been a while.

That's why we at the Dong would like to offer you a chance to win a fat gift certificate to CSN Stores (the fine company that supplies the aforementioned bedding products). Then you can go online and buy yourself that tonka truck bunkbed you've been eying since you got married...

All you have to do, is send us an email outlining which Chicago players wife or girlfriend you would like to take a nap with and why.

Some inspiration from Kristin Cavallari, Jay Cutler's current fling:

You may remember her from Laguna Beach or The Hills. If you do, then shame on you, that's some terrible television.

-KEG

Rant: Fantasy Football

Time for a rant about fantasy football.

I've been playing fantasy football since 1995. This was the infancy of fantasy sports by most standards and just about everybody (including serious sports fans) had no idea what the fuck fantasy sports meant, and if forced to guess, probably thought it involved Magic cards, slap bracelets or Pogs.

Back in these dark ages, you had to calculate your weekly score by hand from the box scores printed in the newspaper on Monday morning. The waiver wire was determined by whoever called the commissioner first. The only way you could watch your guys play was if you owned someone on a local team and they happened to be on TV or you could catch 5 seconds of highlights on SportsCenter (if you happened to be home when it was on). Most of the time, you drafted and traded based solely on statistics and tiny nuggets of occasionally useful information. Or in some cases, horrible information ("holy shit, Mike Cloud ran a 4.5 at the combine and is going to start behind the awesome KC line next season!").

Times have changed. Dramatically. Nowadays, there are more fantasy football commercials than truck commercials on ESPN. Every male 8-65 has multiple teams in multiple sports. Even my mom knows that Ronnie Brown is an obvious injury risk and that Peyton Manning won't miss a game. There's fantasy golf.

Technology is better (DVR, RedZone, Slingbox) and global access to ridiculously detailed and immediate information is at your fingertips 24/7 (ESPN Insider, Rotoworld, Twitter, local news websites, a billion blogs, etc).

The technology and access have completely leveled the playing field.

Anyone can be a fantasy guru now - just spend enough time reading Matthew Barry or Erik Karabell or Brandon Funston or any of the other ten million PROFESSIONAL fantasy analysts. There are no original ideas anymore. There are no savvy pickups. There are no sleepers. You're told the answers before you even have a chance to think of them yourself and in case you miss some information, Yahoo or any other site will help you automatically draft a team or evaluate trades based on researched point predictions and detailed analysis.

There are 3 major losses due to this evolution of the game:

1) We've lost (or at least significantly reduced the impact of) the token moron.

This was one of my favorite parts about playing fantasy sports. The token moron is the guy who doesn't look at matchups, only recognizes big name players and doesn't follow injury news. He's the guy who drafts Jerry Rice in the first round, four years too late. He's the guy that forgets to draft a TE. He's the guy who never has a strategy and ends up in last place every year. It's almost impossible to be that uninformed today.

2) There is no edge.

It is utterly impossible to have an information edge over anyone else. You can do more homework, scout through (youtube) film, read all the reporting and player news but at the end of the day, some expert will summarize your work into a bullet point telling the world to pick up Tony Moeaki before you've had a chance to do it on your own. I pride myself at being able to spot talent and understand opportunities. These skills are severely neutered by infinite over-analysis. You end up overextending yourself on extreme picks or moves just to try and prove your skills.

Some guy in my league took Finley and Spiller in the 2nd and 3rd round of a 14 team league. Sure, it was a dumb move but why is it fun to draft exactly according to the expert rankings and how else can you possibly prove that you know more than the next guy?

3) No love for your players.

This may be a personal thing but when I picked a guy back in the day, it was much more personal. You got to know a guy through his numbers. You understood what type of player and what type of offense he played in. You made assumptions about draft picks on your own and created strategies. Guessing right on Edgerrin James was much more validating than picking someone like Ryan Mathews is today, when everyone is telling you to do it. It's much harder to separate your own skill from someone else's suggestions. In that way, I don't fall in love with my picks as much as I used to.

Sure I loved having Chris Johnson at #10 last season when he was predicted at #16 (much like Jahvid Best owners feel now) but it's not the same... 10 years ago he might not have even been in the top 20 ranked RB's, since the magazines (which were all pretty much exactly the same) were always printed right after the previous season and rookies were mostly ignored. It's hard to take 100% credit for your own picks, sleepers and strategy. Just like it's hard to respect the guy who auto-drafted and is in first place.

Sure, I sound old and cranky as shit but I miss playing a small niche game that nobody else understood, with a group of diehard football fans and close friends where it was more fun to be right and when being right earned you more respect.

GET OFF MY LAWN.

-Keg

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

Luol Deng on Luol's Dong

It seemed like it was never going to happen, but today was the day, ladies and gentlemen. Luol Deng has signed Luol's Dong. As I expect to be struck down by a lawsuit within the next 72 hours (hey WTTW, we're also defacing Bozo the Clown's likeness on our t-shirts as well - two for one on lawsuits!), it's best to get all of this amazingness out in the open right now.

The day started innocently enough - due to some amazing timing and the incredible help of reader/slave Joseph, we were granted access to the Bulls' autograph session and open practice. The beginning of the day started with Benny the Bull and his best Whitesnake impression (although I didn't catch it on film, he did definitely spread eagle on that van).



Once we got inside, it was a mad dash for Luol Deng. I mean, this guy is CLEARLY the most popular player on a Bulls team that just got Carlos Boozer and already has big names like Joakim Noah and Derrick Rose - it's no wonder that there would be a huge line for Deng (note - it took us approximately 30 seconds from entry to get to Deng's table, and another 2 minutes to get to the front of the line. Sad).

This, ladies and gentlemen, is history:

But wait! How do we know Luol Deng can actually read?! I mean, sure, he went to Duke, but as long as you're either a basketball player or a rapist, you can make it there (note to Duke: want to make it three lawsuits? The more the merrier!). Obviously, this was going to require a little more work.

Next was John Lucas III and Kyle Weaver:

There was only one other signature on that shirt - of COURSE we got Luol to sign it! What, you think that we just wanted to get more autographs and made a dash to the shortest line (note: sorry guys, but you just don't have as much draw as looking at Boozer's fucked up hand - longest line on the 300 level).

But wait, what about the new guys? People that may not be familiar with the Dong need to be initiated proper, and so we go to Brian Scalabrine and Roger Powell:

As Scalabrine says, "That's Terrible." I mean, it's perfectly fine to do an autograph session for courtside tickets and deal with "autograph saturation", but COME ON. I love how he says he's not going to sign it, and then after a headshake, signs it anyways. Love it.

Powell's Signature - GOD BLESS!

By the time we finished with Scalabrine, there would be no more time for autographs...so we did the next best thing and talked to some ushers. There's so much love here...

Yeah, that whole reading thing is hard. Obviously. Here are a few other reactions from the finest folks at the UC:

"Do you guys have business cards?" (Yes, he really asked this)

Proud fans

Clamor and commotion over the Dong

Luol's Dong? I dunno who it is.

So what's the moral here? If you're a new Dong reader, the point is this: we have accomplished what we set out to do. If lawsuits come to destroy us before we can send out T-Shirts to Scalabrine and friends, then so be it. We came, we saw, we were retarded. Vini vidi vitard.

Bears Pregame: Week 5

Career stats: 22TD, 19 INT, 4479 Yards, QB rating: 76.0

Todd Collins reminds me of mix between Cap Rooney from Any Given Sunday and a used car salesman. He's not bad - former 2nd round pick by the Bills and holds a bunch of college records at Michigan - but he's been a career NFL backup and despite a good run for the Skins in '06, has never really impressed on the field. He's been playing marginally for 15 years and at 38, you know he's not going to surprise you with anything.

Carolina has their own problems. 0-4 with losses to the Bucs and Bengals (although they hung tight with the Saints last week), and only scoring 4 TD's in the last 3 weeks. Jimmy Clausen has some promise but right now, he sucks. He's also going to battle with the worst receiving corps in the NFL (without Steve Smith and his gimpy ankle).

I guess Lovie is thinking that we can win with defense. Peppers should be fired up against his old team and Briggs and Urlacher have been elite through 4 weeks. All they can really expect to do is run with DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart (not a bad strategy) but our run defense was ranked #1 in the NFL until last week (now #6) and we can stack the box all day.

If Collins struggles, I think we'll see Caleb Hanie. Unlike Collins, Hanie was an undrafted FA and didn't play at a major collegiate program (CO State). He looked sharp last week (comparatively) and we've been grooming him for a while... would love to see what he can do out there. Hopefully, we're up by 20+ in the 4th and we can test him out with minimal pressure.

End result: Bears 24, Carolina 7.

Some other random predictions:

David Garrard has a big week.

Zach Miller has another big week.

SF kills Philly

Brett Favre has a small penis. Oh wait. That's not a prediction...

-KEG

3-1 Bitches!

Reason #2315 not to wake a sleepwalker

Look on the bright side - this is as many wins as I thought we'd get on the season. I mean, this isn't a team that screams "potential" and "consistency." This is a team that just screams. Usually in pain.

Seriously, is anyone surprised that Cutler's brains got scrambled? Our offensive line is just a bunch of turnstiles wearing jerseys. When you have a guy who hangs onto the ball like that one fat slow kid who always lost at "Hot Potato", something bad is gonna happen. In this case, Cutler fall down go boom.

Yes, he's concussed. Yes, he's going to throw picks. But he'll be back. Maybe not as willing to dive headfirst for that first down (which is, by the way, totally awesome), but he's still lightyears better than Todd Collins. And I'm pretty sure Collins died on Monday night...maybe not Trent Green style, but he's not going to be speaking coherently for a while yet.

I think Jay Cutler's impostor Twitter feed says it best:

NotJayCutler: Barndon Jercarbs FARMBLES!

Yeah, that sounds fun.

On the flip side, Caleb Hanie, am I right? CALEB FUCKING HANIE. This guy was like "should I get off the field?" after filling in for the since-deceased Collins and completing a 20-yarder to Knox! WTF is wrong with you!? YOU'RE A GOD AMONG MEN. If we had, like, three more snaps to judge against, I could create a small obsession about you (see: Brian Anderson, Aaron Gray, et al).

Here's to next week.

2-0 Bitches!

Skillz!

Whoo boy, what a game!

If nothing else, this proved that all the good things from last week weren't a one-game fluke: the defense is good, Cutler isn't a disaster and Forte looks like v.2008.

Some new things we learned:

• The Martz/Cutler combo is looking good regardless of the weak O-line.
• Chris Williams is one more injury away from being a huge bust. Might have had that injury today.
• Seems like the Bears don't need to be a go-to receiver: Aromashodu barely saw the field today, Hester came on strong after his 2 catch effort last week and Knox/Olsen have been reliably good.

Some questions remain about the secondary and our running game but this was as big win - and a much more credible win. Yes, the Lions are a lot better this year but it's hard to be impressed with the "win" from last week that we didn't really deserve. Throughly beating the playoff-favorite Cowboys on the road makes a statement.

The most important thing right now is that Cutler looks good. Really good. 5:1 TD/INT ratio, no stupid throws, minimal petulance... I AM EXCITED.

Next week is the Packers.

Ditka doesn't tolerate pussies. Unless of course...

-KEG

Bears win by managing not to lose

Thankfully, Detroit forgot that Megatron is on their team until the end of the game.

I cannot imagine what it must be like to be a Lions fan today. Just brutal. Quick recap: Bears hand the game to the Lions all day but manage to take a 5 point lead with about a minute left. Backup Shaun Hill leads the Lions down the field and throws a jump ball for Calvin Johnson in the end zone that he catches (clearly), while getting both feet down and even lands on his ass with the ball in his hand before putting the ball on the ground to help himself get up. Ref calls it incomplete. Bears win. This is on par with the ridiculous Armando Gallaraga call last month (although that was pretty awful). God, it must suck to be from Detroit.

Needless to say, we escaped with a lucky victory despite the lopsided statistics (total yards: 463-168). A few thoughts/notes:

Cutler looked OK - lucky 80 yard TD pass on a screen to Forte and an awful decision on his INT. Fumble was normal, not particularly careless. Otherwise, pretty solid - made the throws he needed to make down the stretch including a few big 3rd down conversions and the game winner to Forte. Also moved well in the pocket to avoid pressure. The Lions have an underrated defensive front and secondary, so I thought he played pretty well overall.

Forte looks like he got his 2008 speed back. Big game. He'll mesh well with Chester Taylor, who is still the best 3rd down back in the NFL (great blocker, can catch well and is very situationally aware).

Bears WR's were all good but someone needs to step up and be a threat. My guess is that it'll be Knox (speed) over Aromashodu (size). We'll have to wait and see. Hester looks like a non-factor.

Bears D was awesome. The 14 points came from turnovers (which were brutal) but in all, Peppers looks like a beast and makes everyone else look better too. He forces the QB back to the middle where Harris, Briggs and Urlacher can destroy him. Also takes some pressure off the secondary (our weakest link) by bringing crazy pressure. He nearly killed Matt Stafford. Dude might be out for 6 weeks with a destroyed shoulder.

The Lions D is very clearly divided into 2 parts: the D-line and secondary (awesome) and the LB's (awful). Delmas is a stud, Suh is a stud and they all hit really hard. Glad none of our WR's got injured today.

If I can say one thing to cheer up the Lions fans, it's that Shaun Hill is not a pushover. This is the same guy that won a lot of games for the 49ers and kept getting replaced by younger less proven guys because of management agenda. He reminds me of Jim Miller mixed with Kyle Orton - not pretty but those two guys won a shitload of games in the NFL.

Well, not a sexy start to the season, but 1-0 is all that matters. Next week is at Dallas. I'm watching the Cowboys/Skins game right now... Boys are looking pretty good. However, if I was Tony Romo, I wouldn't be sleeping so well this week.

-KEG

Reassembling the 1990's Cleveland Indians

As you have no doubt heard, the White Sox have acquired Manny Ramirez. Normally this would be exciting because we are in the midst of a pennant race, but no, the REAL reason this is exciting is because it puts Reinsdorf one step closer to his ultimate goal:

Reassembling the 1990's Cleveland Indians.

Sure, that sound silly - putting together all the elements from a 15-year-old team? Well, it sounded silly until you thought about this:

Position - Player (Played for the Sox in...)
C - Sandy Alomar (2001-2004)
1B - Jim Thome (2006-2009)
2B - Roberto Alomar (2003-2004)
SS - Omar Vizquel (2010 - )
3B - Herbert Perry (2000-2001)
LF - Albert Belle (1997-1998)
CF - Kenny Lofton (2002)
RF - Manny Ramirez (2010 - )
DH - Wil Cordero (1998 )

That is flat-out frightening. Think about that - we have, at one point in time, held the ENTIRE STARTING LINEUP of Indians players from over 10 years ago. AND WE'RE STILL GOING!

Having completed his prized collection of offensive Indians, the race is on to populate the pitching staff. We got off to a good start with Bartolo Colon, Jaime Navarro and Jason Bere, but there's more to be had!

And now for a moment of optimism

See this guy? This man has pitched a perfect game, a no-hitter, and led us to a world series. He has been won of the most successful White Sox starters of all time. And for the ultimate indicator of how good the Sox pitching will be in 2010?

He will be our 5th starter next season.

That probably sounds completely insane to most of you, and you may be right. But when you think about it in terms of talent, performance, and youth, you wind up with a rotation that looks something like this for 2010:

#1. Peavy
#2. Floyd
#3. Jackson
#4. Danks
#5. Buerhle

You can't argue that Peavy is the ace - regardless of his health issues, he has a ginormous contract and he has proven himself in the past. If he comes back healthy, he is the staff ace. Floyd and Jackson have been downright filthy this year, with Jackson being yet another magic trick by Don Cooper. Danks got off to a great start this year, and still has the lowest starting ERA on the staff, but just hasn't been as dominant as Floyd and Jackson. And that leaves just one White Sox starter with the "high" ERA of 3.93 (!) this year as the odd man out.

Holy shit is our rotation going to be awesome next year.

In other news, our bullpen will be completely fucked as both Jenks and Putz will no longer be with the club. Oh well. A man can dream...