Not unlike that Henry Rowengartner kid

How much for a ZJ?

Well, since Keggers took the baseball analysis, it looks like I've got the REAL scoop from yesterday - Derrick Rose, Rookie of the Year.

Come on, say it with me: ROOKIE OF THE YEAR. It just rolls off the tongue, right? It's been a while since the Bulls have had a RoY (Previous Winner: Elton Brand. Remember how he only played two seasons for us before spending a decade with the Clippers? Yeah...), let alone since CHICAGO had a RoY (Most Recent Winner: Urlacher in 2000).

Derrick Rose embodies all the things that should get you excited about a young star. He's got speed, he has insane talent, he puts up a shitload of points, he wants the ball (winners always want the ball), he makes his team better, and his teammates can count on him in the clutch. All are excellent traits.

But what about the intangibles? Behind every great player is some weird story. Kobe has his "proving-I-didn't-rape-her" diamond ring, Jordan had his gambling habits, and Tony Kukoc once killed a hobo just to say that he could*.

Derrick Rose brings his A-game here too, as he has the infamous "stabbed yourself in bed" story. Sure, it's been beaten to death, and it's not nearly as good as "I shot myself trying to hide a gun" or "my wife beat me up," but damnit, it's our very own. There's a very fine line between "intriguing" and "batshit crazy" and right now Rose is riding that line like Jack Haley's ass rode the bench.

Much love to Mr. Rose in all of his future accomplishments, and keep your eye on the playoff prize - if we don't win today, I have to buy booze for the office. And I sure as hell don't want to pay for a legion of drunks.

* Not at all true. Much love, Tony.

A Better Investment

One wipe for every Fukudome swing

To buy the Cubs, it takes $900 million. NINE-HUNDRED-MILLION DOLLARS. Good lord that's a lotta money! When you think about it, that's a pretty excessive investment for a team that's best known for losing. It's a waste of money in the extreme.

Here's some more useful things you can buy for $900 million:

Half of the New Yankee Stadium
3 brand new renovated Soldier Fields
4,283 naturally retarded ostriches
90 million copies of The Last Dragon
Repair Bulgaria's trade defecit - twice!
32 more years of Alex Rodriguez (at the current rate, no less!)
180 more years of Devin Hester

348,399,443 nights with Keggers
225 "I'm sorry for totally raping that girl" rings.
More than enough money to have Polka wiped off the face of the earth
36 billion game credits for that 6-player X-Men Arcade game
Some non-Rose talent for the Bulls
8 ZJs
14 different operations for Mickey Rourke's face

Man, someone get that family an investment agent, stat!

Press Conference

Phew! It's awfully hot under these interview lights. Let me tell you, there is no excuse for the way we performed today. I was watching the same game you guys were, and there's no mistaking it: we deviated from the gameplan.

Did you guys see Kyle out there today? He had two passing touchdowns - two! - and no interceptions. We're not running some Peyton Manning-style bullshit out there, Kyle! I expect to see at least two picks. And that rushing TD? What the fuck was that?! That play was supposed to have you get mauled in the pocket while your receivers all run in circles! I don't care if the season is over - we're going to practice the ZJ-Right-66 until next season if we have to in order to get it right!

Oh, and don't get me started on Devin. I had such high hopes for this kid on offense. Did you see the way that he took our offensive scheme to heart and completely stopped functioning on kick returns? Hell, we had to give the job to Ladyname Manning. That's true commitment right there! So why am I seeing six catches for 85 yards? You know what that looks like to me, Devin? That looks like showmanship. You think you're better than the playbook? There's a reason that you don't run any routes that take advantage of your speed! Remember we tried that, and for a few times, it worked when Kyle would horribly underthrow you. But making catches in stride? Just who the hell do you think you are!? Respect the coach!

Phew...I'm sorry, it's just that gameday gets me all riled up. You know how it is. Uh, I guess what I really want to say here is that while this season wasn't perfect, we did still manage to lose enough games to miss the playoffs. You can't lose every game - the Lions just happen to be the best at what they do. I'm going to be studying a lot of their tape in the offseason as they are the team to be beaten by next year, if you know what I mean.

The Difference

This is a photo of Candice and Richard Lombardo of Palos Heights. Long story short, the duo went to the Sox final regaular season game (163) and bought scalped tickets...only to find out that they were fake. Down $150, the two of them shivered out in the parking lot as they listened to the roar of the crowd.

Eventually, the church-going parking attendants (that first part is important) went over one at a time and gave her $20 each out of pity amounting to (at least) $60 in goodwill. Hooray.

First of all, thank you SOMEONE for going against the grain of the public perception that all Sox fans are redneck retarded assholes. We're not. Some are actually "good people."

Second, just because I can't resist - what are the odds of something like this happening at Wrigley? First of all, she doesn't lose $150 on two tickets to game 163. She probably loses somewhere close to $300, and the tickets most likely were printed on crackers. Second, "Wrigley Field Parking Attendants?" I don't think so. I'll bet she breaks down and cries out on Waveland, and Ronnie Woo Woo brings attention to her ("Woo! Sad! Woo!") but pockets all of the cash that his shennanigans bring in.

Little did they all know that her son would grow up and change his name to Henry Rowengartner...

Still looking for pictures...

We've received an anonymous tip that the referee from American Gladiators is the same guy who refereed in Dodgeball.

Looking for pictures has been frustrating.

Very frustrating.




First person to provide visual evidence gets a ZJ on the house. If you don't know what it is, you can't afford it.

Edit: Visual evidence be damned, we've at least got legit proof of this being the same guy. Now find us some comparison pictures!

"Do it for me."

Happy New Year (Part 2)

Continuing the trend of lunacy for 2008.

2008 White Sox:

Sox trade Dewon Day and Joe Borchard's leftover luggage for a free tour to the glue factory. They then euthanize Uribe, creating enough glue to last Crede's back an entire season. Sox use leftover cap money to purchase contracts of Man Soo Lee and Shingo Takatsu. Both do nothing other than please Japanese media, resulting in 95 wins. Sox sweep playoffs by forcing the opposing team to start Matt Clement in each game (we have practice annihilating him in the playoffs). By season's end, Jenks tries Babe Ruth's diet of Hotdogs and hookers. Breaks belt, and record for homeruns after converting from pitcher to DH.

"Bobby...hungry..."

2008 Chicago Cubs Vaginas:

Cubs sell field name to Kotex, become Chicago Vaginas. Use money from sale to purchase contracts of Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, and Rafael Palmeiro, breaking the record for the number of steroid abusers on one team. The City of Chicago holds a parade for this event during the Sox playoff run because, hey, it's not like there's anything else going on. During the parade, Skullfuck gets drunk and is ultimately deported for indecent exposure and for not making eye contact (damn slanty eyes). After a 2-10 start, the Vaginas start showing Rookie of the Year in Kotex Field because no one there really watches the game anyways. Henry Rowengartner reinjures his arm, and the Vaginas decide to let him walk. Rowengartner then goes on to win the Cy Young four years in a row with a different team. Go figure.

"What's a ZJ?"

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

Kenny Williams Hasn’t Completely Ruined Us

"Uh huh…well, how much for a ZJ?”

As a lifelong Sox fan, I’m hearing lots of people question their allegiance to Kenny Williams. For bringing a World Series title home, Kenny and Ozzie probably should have earned some sort of immunity. Instead, after just a few moves in this offseason, you can only wonder what they’re thinking for next year.

If the Sox want to rebuild, that’s fine and I’m all for it. I would probably deal Thome for a prospect or two, and deal Konerko for a legit 2B and a chunk of prospects. I would trade Dye for cash and prospects, deal Crede for whatever you can get, and let Uribe’s contract expire. If we’re going to rebuild, you want to use the youngsters we have, and spend one or two years having your guys establish themselves.

Last I checked, we have four young guys who claim they can play the field (Owens, Sweeney, Quentin and Anderson), a seemingly youthful infield (Fields, Cabrera, Richar, and whatever prospect we bring up to play first), and a basic core of pitchers either proven or with serious potential (Buerhle, Vazquez, Contreras, Massett, Danks, Floyd). Not only that, but the Tigers and Indians have already established themselves as the cash cows and frontrunners for the next year or so. If there’s a time to start rebuilding, this is it.

Even so, the Sox could go the other way and make some big impact trades to acquire the missing puzzle pieces, like landing a big name FA outfielder or acquiring a legit 2B. We could try and compete this year, lay it all out on the line, and then rebuild next year if we tank again.

Instead, Kenny seems to be riding the fence. I don’t know who he was talking to at the winter meetings, or what he was talking about, but he needs to start taking some serious steps for next season. I’m not saying we need to acquire Juan Pierre and give him a pay raise like Uribe, but we need to do something.

Are the Bears so far out of playoff contention that I have to be worrying about this shit in December?