The Horrifying Truth

For some of you, Spring Training is a sign that baseball is just around the corner, and that Spring (the season) is in the air. For me, it's a sign that Spring is still a good two months away (fucking Chicago weather), and an indicator of every possible thing that could go wrong. Seriously, if I were a Cubs fan, I would be panicking about how the Cubs were going to cope with Bradley and Harden missing significant time.

Instead, I find myself poring over Dayan Viciedo's numbers and tearing my hair out. How could I be so worried when the kid is hitting? See, Viciedo has a couple of interesting traits that some Sox fans may find all too familiar...and all too scary.

First of all, Viciedo is Cuban. This is not so much troubling because every other person over 100 lbs looks like Dr. Foreman on House, but because we don't know how old Viciedo really IS. The Sox paid a lot of money because he's "young", but the guy is making boatloads more than currently-on-the-roster Alexei Ramirez because of his youth potential. If Viciedo turns out to be, say, 24 (and I wouldn't be all that surprised), that turns into a lot of money down the shitter. Kinda like Juan Uribe, who was supposed to only get better with age, but actually just sorta crapped out after his first season out of Colorado.

Second, Viciedo is overweight. He has been overweight, he is overweight, and he will be overweight. Weight doesn't scare me because of injury - it scares me because of the big swing that comes with it. Giant "screw contact I'm going to swing like Grimce chasing a bumblebee" swings are the sort of thing that kills rallies and results in ugly strikeouts. Likewise, the extra weight kills the speed that was once standout when younger, but now looks like poor baserunning...kinda like Juan Uribe.

Even more interesting is that Viciedo is coming from an advantageous situation where he dominated (AAAA Cuban basebal like Uribe came from Colorado's launchpad) has a cannon arm (like Uribe), does jazz hands after a HR (like Uribe), fields unconventionally (Uribe), got overpaid for proving little (Uribe), will be pushed into a utility role (Uribe), and doesn't have a spot on the team this year (Ur- you get the point). Frankly, that's a whole lot of carry over and coincidence...just enough to get me worried.

I'm not saying that Viciedo will turn into a horribly disappointing fat tub of shit that infests our infield...but I'm not ruling out the possibility either. Keep your fingers crossed.

Jose Contreras in the best shape of his life...by not pitching

Shortly after posing for this photo, Jose snapped this guy's neck and slept with his girlfriend. Seriously.

Two things stick out in my mind when dealing with Jose Contreras - being older than time, and his current injury. Which is why the latest news of Jose losing 30 lbs is so damned confusing. How the hell can you be in the best shape of your life if you're not even allowed to go back to throwing a ball off a mound yet?!

[Contreras] also took stress off his legs by losing 30 pounds this off-season thanks to a better diet and a workout program designed by a new personal trainer in the Tampa area.
Yeah, I'll bet NOT WALKING really helped him stay trim. I'll bet that new diet helps Jose look young - he only looks 65 now! In other news, Bartolo Colon is still fat, unattractive.

No, really:

Guillen defended his projected No. 4 starter when a reporter asked whether he thought Colon, who is listed at 5 feet 11 inches and 245 pounds, was out of shape. "Colon was 350 pounds when he won the Cy Young Award (in 2005)," Guillen quipped. "He's not a model. When you're a model, you have to be careful. He's not a jockey. … (Colon) surprised me. He's in better shape than what I thought."

How can Colon be in better shape than anyone thinks? I expect Colon to be face down in a Little Caesar's personal pan pizza wearing a wifebeater that's covered in pizza sauce. Did he wear a bib or something? Ozzie in love with corpulent pitcher - story at 11.

BOBBY HUNGRY

I AM SMELL GOOD

And with that, Bobby Jenks just got himself a well deserved raise. After providing the only stability in the bullpen for the past four years (Matt Thornton is a close second), Jenks gets the payday he's had coming since 2005 with a $5.6 million deal for one year. Unfortunately, Jenks' time in Chicago looks to be about finished.

$5.6 million for one year is hardly cheap, but when you figure that the odds of Bobby getting dealt at the trade deadline are really high, it's not surprising he didn't get a long term deal. The only way Bobby sticks around is if the Sox really perform well this year, in which case we acquire a washed up player (I hear Roberto Alomar is available...again...) and then figure out to do with Bobby after the season.

Here's hoping Jenks sticks around - or if he can't, we at least get a legit OF or SP prospect.

Meet The Matadors: Adam

As part of a weekly segment, we invite you to get to know your lesser Chicago Bulls stars. Don't just jerk off to them like the TPC, but really get to know who they are. Today, we're going to get to know Adam McKinney (as told by Adam McKinney's Bulls.com bio).

My arm acne makes me a more attractive mate!

Hi! I'm Adam McKinney -- I also go by "Major Girth." I'm 23 years fat -- get it? A fat joke! -- and work as a cook at Jesse's Tavern in Oak Lawn, IL. I'm about 6'3, with a belt the size of the equator (another fat joke! I'm so brilliant!). My favorite food? Old McDonald's entire farm! Man, I am HILARIOUS. Am I married? I'm single...um...but I'd prefer a double or triple cheeseburger! Ha ha ha...

Sigh...

OK -- you win. The Bulls asked me a lot of questions for my bio, and told me that it was best to make as many fat jokes as possible (for "I feel sexiest when:" I answered "When I look down and have a food stain on my shirt"). Do you think I enjoy being made into a public joke? A laughingstock? I have man-boobs like David Hasselhoff! I actually broke an elevator in Greece because of my weight! It's embarrassing!

I eat because I'm depressed, and I'm depressed because I eat. I always wanted to be a dancer -- the sort of guy who could meet Alyssa Milano and live happily ever after. Instead, I'm this fat slob who can't even fit into a pair of underwear with a giant red Mohawk that I use to draw attention away from my shriveled penis.

I used to have such a beautiful face -- people would marvel at my deep blue eyes and boyish looks. I wonder what they'd say if they could look at me now. I have a keg for a stomach, a picture on the "wall of fame" at the Buffet City on 87th and Cicero, and hand permanently stained by BBQ sauce remnants.


The Bulls like us to dance, you know. They like to make us act fools, wear stupid hats, and tap dance. We're at constant risk for heart failure, diabetes, and more, but the Bulls insist on raking us over the coals "just to see what happens." I think Krause is in with some of the players on a "Death Pool" to see which one of us passes out from heart failure first. Just look at me in this picture:


That's the life of a Matador. We're all breathing heavily, just struggling to stay alive. If we lose weight from dancing, they make us eat twice as much to put the weight back on! We're just maxed to capacity out here. I have to eat a polish sausage and a beer before and after every halftime show (not to mention whenever a fan asks me to eat something -- I'm required by contract to always eat food when presented).

I'm not allowed to let my weight dip below 300 lbs, and so I eat. We're human, you know. Sometimes I don't WANT an El Gallo steak burrito at midnight. I just want to sleep, and forget that I've become a monster and a slave to my own corpulence.

Please -- don't feed the hungry red-headed matador.