Around The Horn

Aramis Ramirez Loves the Cock

But do they cross swords?

The White Sox have had a wife-beater (Will Cordero) and a psychopathic stalker (Albert Belle), but neither of these compares to the wrath brought on by animal cruelty (see: Michael Vick).

Unfortunately for Cub fans, Aramis Ramirez loves cockfighting.

"Chicago Cubs third baseman Aramis Ramírez is prominently featured in a recent issue of a Dominican cockfighting magazine, En La Traba, in which he is pictured with several roosters that he raises for fighting. Of roosters, he said in the magazine, “When I’m in the Dominican Republic, I’m dedicated entirely to them.”

So, let me get this straight: not only is Ramirez a fan, but he breeds his own fighters? Doesn't this sound like some guy who went to jail for doing this with dogs? I'm starting to think that the Dominican Republic is some sort of magic place you can go to illegal things -- but LEGALLY! Feel like shooting someone? Go ahead, Juan Uribe! Feel like watching animals kill eachother, Pedro Martinez? It's OK -- it's the Dominican Republic!

Man, if only Vick had been breeding Chihuahuas.

Yeah, He's a Catcher

(Catcher of the future, half man half machine)

If you are like me and the first thing you do in the morning is check Yahoo! fantasy, then you were greeted with the same amazing picture. Geovanny Soto on the cover of the Yahoo! Sports fantasy page as "the catcher of the future." I'm just so excited that people (national media) are catching on (ha! a pun!) to how good Geovanny will be. The guy is fucking awesome. He hit over .350 last year in the minors and was fantastic when he played in the bigs.

Now I'm not going to do what I always do and predict that the Cubs are going to win it all (even though Ryan Dempster said that yesterday), but I will say our lineup will be the best in the National League. In our shitty division, it doesn't take much more than two people over the age of 16. We have no real weaknesses, and with the addition of Fukudome and the emergence of Soto, the Cubs lineup is for real. Now if only we had starting and relief pitching...we would be amazing.

(Here's the Sox new Catcher, just like AJ)

Who Needs a Center Fielder?

This may spawn a post from Keggers about Brian Anderson's ass. You have been warned.

The White Sox had a problem with adequate fielders in 2007, and they did their best to fix it in 2008. Well, sometimes your best is a little too much, actually. Heading into Spring Training, the Sox have already guaranteed outfield spots for Swisher and Dye, leaving either CF or LF open (depending on where Swisher winds up playing).

That leaves Jerry Owens, Carlos Quentin, and Brian Anderson all competing for that last spot -- and I'd say all of them are worthy of a spot on the team.

First, let's get this out of the way: I really REALLY like Brian Anderson. I think his bat could really come around this year to match his exemplary defense (if he hits .260 or better, he immediately becomes better than the rest of the crop). I think Brian wasted his first year in the bigs, and spend the second year dominating in AAA when he wasn't hurt. This is his last year to shine, and I hope it's in a Sox uni (instead of the impending trade to the NL for a prospect and cash).

I think you could honestly go with any of these guys in the field. You can actually dumb this down into four categories: Fielding, Contact, Power and Speed. If you give each one of these a numerical value (1-3) with three being the highest, you get the following:

Fielding: Anderson (3), Quentin (2), Owens (1). Quentin has an absolute cannon of an arm, and he would probably be second only to Anderson in CF. Owens, on the other hand, lacks the throwing arm to truly be dangerous (never fully healed).

Contact: Owens (3), Quentin (2), Anderson (1). Owens wins here because of the monster second half performance he put together. If he can learn to slap-hit his way on-base like Ichiro and other speedsters, he could actually turn into the lead-off hitter Ozzie wants. Quentin barely beats out Anderson here -- Anderson was always a high-average hitter in the minors, but didn't make the transition until the second half of 2006. Can't have a 3 month slump, Brian.

Power: Anderson (3), Quentin (2), Owens (1). Anderson just barely edges out Quentin based on Quentin's surgery and Brian's ability to drive the ball (if/when) he makes contact. Owens comes in dead last here, with numbers that make Podsednik look like a juicer.

Speed: Owens (3), Quentin (2), Anderson (1). Owens is the clear-cut winner here, as he could easily swipe 50-60 bags in a season with a low average. Anderson comes in third here for the same reason that Quentin came in 2nd in power -- Anderson had foot surgery that may hamper his speed. Otherwise, they would be about dead even.

Total: Owens (8), Anderson (8), Quentin (8)

Lookie that! A tie. Looks like I'm going to have to throw in a tiebreaker category to settle this. In honor of black history month:

Blackness: Owens (3), Quentin (2), Anderson (1). No explanation needed.

Odds are, the Sox will go to camp with Quentin and Owens fighting for LF and Anderson being shipped off to the great beyond. I can't say I like it, but after that last category, how can I argue? That would make me a racist.

Hester is fast, good

Like oil in water

Here is Devin Hester making the Pro-Bowl look like a Nike commercial, running circles around would-be tacklers.

I seriously don't know how he does it. This is the best combined Punt/KO cover team in the entire NFL and Hester is just playing around with them like it's a pee wee league. He's got to be the most exciting player in the NFL right now. The return man has so much added tension: the delay before the kick, the hangtime... everyone is watching the return man and the entire opposing team has a running start to try and take his head off.

Hester might be the most exciting player to ever wear a Bears uniform (and that includes Sayers, and Payton).

Oh, and I hope he takes that little ankle tweak out on the Chargers next season.

Another Lesson In Violence

I thought ranting about non-sports bullshit was my job on this website, but apparently someone decided to close in on my territory. I'm here to return the favor. So........

Chicago Luche Libre Grudge Match of the Somewhat Disliked!!!

Defending Champ: Gepetto, aka "I Can't See my Dick"

Bio: Born on an undisclosed date in the mid-to-late '80s. When attempts at gainful employement failed, he began writing an obscure sports blog. Was last seen dancing the night away in Boys Town.

Interesting Fact: Cries during "Bambi." Gets him every time.

Strengths: Three words = "World Of Warcraft."

Weaknesses: American cheese, older men, writing about the same shit I just wrote about last week.

Wow: Look at those big fat titties.

CHALLENGER: Jeff Smith, aka The Frugal Gourmet

Bio: Born on January 22, 1939. Originally a minister (no shit!), he learned how to cook, and eventually got his own TV show in the '80s. Yeah, I know the guy is not originally from Chicago, but his show really took off when he got here. He is just as much of a local legend type as Svengoolie and those other assholes (Ronnie Woo Woo? For fuck's sake). If you're reading this, you know who he is.

Interesting Fact: In 1998, Smith was accused of sexual assault by two male chefs on his show. Also accused of sexual harassment by several other men, in events dating back to the 1970s. Smith settled out of court, but his show was taken off the air, and his career never recovered. Smith died in 2004 and is probably making fondue in hell right now.

Strengths: Makes a mean stuffed eggplant.

Weaknesses: Younger men.

Wow: This is starting to sound less like a Grudge Match and more like a first date. Jeff Smith, if you're reading this, drop me an email and I'll give you Gepp's phone number. Oh wait...never mind cause you're dead.

And I Thought It Was Zell's Inside Man

When Flintstones go bad

Simply getting robbed of a division title is SO last century.

The Cubs decided to get a kick start on losing year #100 by just getting flat-out robbed.

"Todd Robert Smith, 44, was arrested Saturday and accused of taking items from a number of locations including the Chicago Cubs training facility...The Cub players were pitcher Jeff Samardzija, catcher Jake Fox and outfielder Tyler Colvin. Police said all three players had personal items stolen, which included checkbooks, cell phones and credit cards."

When Sam Zell said he was going to squeeze every penny out of this franchise, he wasn't kidding! Interestingly, Smith confessed to the Cubs burglaries, and hundreds more. Why? Because he's addicted to meth. Seriously -- that was his excuse. I've got to remember to do that next time I get into trouble.

More importantly, why steal from a football player, a rookie/spring training invitee, and a career AAA catcher? Not a single one of these players is useful or has a full-time spot on the team -- whose bright idea was it to skip over Fukudome's locker? You could just tell him that it was "American Taxes" that charged over $1,000 at a local Wal-Mart.

Welcome to Spring Training, indeed.

....And There Was Much Rejoicing....

Mr. Sampson, I believe your pants are on fire

According to a rather damning article today on ESPN by Andy Katz, Kelvin Sampson may be leaving his legacy seed at Indiana much as he did in Oklahoma; raped and pillaged by scandel. The NCAA has tapped Sampson, from here on out to be known as Dr. Cheats-A-Lot, and five of his current and former assistants as having violated terms of his probation by making and participating in phone calls to potential recruits. The probation stemmed from recruiting violations while the Sooners coach. Indiana, as a way of trying to make up for the fact that they had hired a known cheater (see his medical nom de cheat) imposed sanctions on his ability to recruit. There is a giant list of things he wasn't allowed to do, including but not limited to leaving campus, participating in three way calls (ooohh, sexy), and making calls to Indiana recruits while still at Oklahoma. Well, the good doctor didn't feel like following those rules, nor did he feel like telling the truth when being questioned about it.

However, the best part of these accusations is yet to come:

Senderoff and Meyer (two of the assistants) placed "at least 25 telephone calls" to nine potential recruits that exceeded NCAA limits even if no sanctions had been in place.

These guys are just plain breaking NCAA rules. Now I'm sure that most coaches break rules like this, which seem kind of inocuous. However when a coach already has the microscope on him for specific recruiting violations, he must be some kind of moron (or a cheating doctor) to allow his assistants to make calls like this.

I think it is more than reasonable to assume that many if not all of these violations were applied to Eric Gordon, who Sampson stole out from under Bruce Weber. I know, I know, equal blame must be placed on Weber for not sealing the deal, but it is clear now that Sampson doesn't really deserve the benefit of the doubt here. Gordon is clearly the type of player who can turn a season around, if not a program. Yes, he will most likely go on to obscurity in the NBA next year, but a player like that draws other players. Moreover whatever success he could have brought to the Illini this year was something that Weber could have theoretically built on in the future. Now it looks like his job is in jeopardy after 3 sub par seasons following a national championship game appearance.

Maybe after Weber is fired Illinois can fire Sampson. He obviously knows how to recruit...

Book(er) It

You're sending me where?

I always liked Marty Booker -- he was a great receiver with the Bears, and made the loss of Marcus Robinson seem like nothing (much the way the acquisition of Mushin Muhammad was completely negated by Berrian stepping up his game). Then we traded him. The Bears lost Booker and a 3rd round pick (2005) in order to get Ogunleye, and it looked like the passing offense was doomed.

We all know how Ogunleye has turned out -- he's been an absolute monster, and we love him. Booker went to Miami where he was unused, unloved, and generally ignored in favor of Chris Chambers and this year, Ted Ginn Jr. Oh, and that draft pick? Channing Crowder. He's a solid LB, but he'd never start on a team with Urlacher and Briggs. Also, he enjoys driving his truck into trees. Maybe he would be an adequate replacement for Briggs.

This could easily be the Bears' personal "Harold Baines" trade.

Booker has publicly mentioned that he would like to return to the Bears. As he was recently (and unceremoniously) dumped by the Dolphins, it's just a matter of a quick signing to get the job done. Booker is a bit older than I would like (he's turning 32 this year), but he could come very cheap between the off-year and the hometown discount.

What to do with Booker is a different story. We have a lot of young talent (Bradley, Hester, Davis...etc) that should be able to fill in nicely, but we'll have a problem with a bonafide #1. I expect Berrian to be gone this offseason, and I don't know if Mushin Muhammad can really keep the pressure off of another receiver to make this offense function. If we bring in Booker, we have some experience and depth to play with, and maybe someone to open the field like Berrian does (or did).

Or, hey, get Randy Moss.

That's OK with me.

Grudge Match of the Damned

Both living, but I'm pretty sure at least one is going to Hell

Last Week's Results: In what is the biggest slaughter yet, Woo-Woo is killed by the citizens of Chicago before the fight even begins. I had no idea that Cubs fans hated him just as much as the rest of the city.

That said, let us welcome THE CHICAGO GRUDGE MATCH OF THE DAMNED!

Challenger: Jerry Springer AKA "Damn it, I'll tell you when I've had enough!"

Bio: Born on Feb 13, 1944 in London, Springer went to Northwestern to become a campaign aid to Robert Kennedy. After Kennedy's death, Springer got elected to Cincinnati city council (say that 10 times fast), but was forced to resign in 1974 after admitting to hiring a prostitute. After realizing the power of prostitution, Springer became the host of the best prostitution show on television: The Jerry Springer Show.

Interesting Fact: Was rumored to have had sex with porn star Kendra Jade in 1998 with Kelly (her mother) in the room. Both appeared on the show with porn director John Bowen the next day -- this apparently let to his divorce.

Strengths: Screwing Phil Donahue, watching others screw. Calmly watching others writhe in agony. Slowly fading into obscurity.

Weaknesses: Needs to have the final word of every conversation, cannot tolerate clean-cut average people. Censorship. Has trouble keeping prostitutes quiet.

Wow: There's actually an Opera about Jerry Springer that just debuted. Wow.

Defending Champ: Oprah Winfrey AKA "Who do you have to screw to get some fucking Funyons around here?!"

Bio: Born in 1954, Oprah had a lousy childhood...blah blah blah. Anyways, she went to work in Nashville as the youngest ever news anchor, and then relocated to Chicago to host "AM Chicago." It would later become the Oprah Winfrey Show in 1986. Oh, and I think she was black or something.

Interesting Fact: Actual name is Orpah, not Oprah. Her name was mispronounced growing up, so she changed it to match -- except on her birth certificate. It's also possible that the real Oprah was killed during this show a few years ago, forcing her evil twin Orpah to take over (shave the goatee, and you'd never know).

Strengths: Playing the race card, voting for Obama, tearing "A Million Little Pieces" into shreds. Money. Is arguably the most influential woman in the world that you aren't interested in.

Weaknesses: Keeping Dr. Phil in line, making any movie. Seriously -- stop making movies. Also has trouble hiding her lesbian relationship with Gayle King.

Wow: Voiced "Gussie the goose" in the 2006 film "Charlotte's Web." Wow.



Vote for your winner in the comments!