A Day Filled With Bad News

Just because it didn't happen yesterday doesn't mean I didn't want it to

Sox:
So...could we find a way to suck more? Since Buerhle's perfect game, wins have been hard to come by. We lost 3/4 to Detroit, and then took another loss at the Metrodome last night. The defense was a joke, especially during a particularly disgusting 2nd inning that had the Twins scoring 2 runs on 2 singles (and 2 errors). In other news, AJ and Alexei are trying to kill eachother in the dugout, and Brian Anderson is asking to be traded.

This sucks.

Cubs:
You know, it's funny. I was watching this game for the sole purpose of making sure that the Cubs would lose, but found myself taking a different view of it. The reality is "which team sucks less?" In a game where the last 5 innings had both teams getting baserunners to 2nd or 3rd with less than 2 outs almost every time, you knew that someone would have to accidentally get a hit.

As it so happens, Soriano decided to end one of his worst days with a bang, a walk off grand slam. What the newspaper will probably overlook is that until that grand slam, Soriano had three K's, and neglected to run out a fair chopper (didn't even leave the batter's box) that could have been even worse had the runner not advanced to 2nd on contact.

Oh, and don't even get me started on that "suicide squeeze" where Fontenot NEGLECTED TO MAKE CONTACT, leaving Bradley dead in the water on the squeeze play. I especially enjoyed that one.

Also worth noting: the Astros' Arias is going to be a sick closer one day, as that guy's pitches have movement, speed, and location that's like watching the catcher hold up an oversized magnet.

"Bartolo Watch"

Did anyone check Sea World?

Apparently, the largest athlete in baseball has gone missing. Bartolo Colon was supposed to start yesterday but he never showed up and nobody can find him. According to ESPNChicago:

The Knights are the Triple-A affiliate of the Chicago White Sox, and Chicago general manager Ken Williams said Tuesday that Colon was supposed to be in Charlotte preparing for Thursday's start. No one was sure of Colon's whereabouts.

"He never showed up last night," said John Agresti, the Knights' director of media relations. "He's still scheduled to start tonight."

"The 'Bartolo Watch' is going on," Agresti said.

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen joked about Colon on Wednesday.

"I worry about Colon because Colon was a big-time Michael Jackson fan," Guillen told reporters. "He might [watch] the TV and cry all day long. Maybe he is in L.A. at his funeral, because I can't find him. When he gets to Charlotte, Oney [Guillen's son] will call me to say he's there.

"Nobody knows how big of a Jackson fan Colon was. I'm serious. He might be depressed a little bit," Guillen added.

I love Ozzie. Seriously, he's fucking awesome.

On a seperate note, how the hell does Ryan Dumpster, the Cubs stud SP, BREAK his toe jumping over the railing in a game?

Look dad, a uniformed retard!

Haven't baseball players been jumping over the railing for 100 years? Has this ever happened to anyone before? Jesus. Can someone please tell me what it feels like to be a Cubs fan? I imagine it's probably like having your pubes set on fire while you're forced to eat sliders from White Castle while wearing a sealed buttplug.

The TPC says it's worse than that, actually. And he would know

-KEG.

Ohlendorf'd

Mein Fukudome!

How do you get wrecked by a guy named Ohlendorf? Just ask the Cubs, who managed to get blanked by some guy named Ross Ohlendorf. To give you an idea of how pathetic this is, I would like to point out the following:

#1. Ohlendorf gave up 6 ER to the Rockies two starts ago
#2. Ohlendorf is on the Pirates
#3. In his last 11 starts, Ohlendorf has given up 12 HR and walked 19 batters (63 IP).
#4. Prior to tonight's start, Ohlendorf had a 4.75 ERA (down from 4.94 the previous week)

When you find yourself playing against this guy you're EXPECTING to hit at least 1 HR and get about 1.5 walks. When he started against the Sox, we got 2 HR off him, 2 BB, and scored four runs off him (3 earned) in 7.2 IP.

The Cubs?

No walks. No homeruns. No runs AT ALL. Four hits in 7 IP and a season high (career high?) 8K's for Ohlendorf. Fucking pathetic. The amazing tandems of Soriano/Fukudome and Fox/Hoffpauir combined for an impressive 0-15 with 9 LOB. Bravo.

In other news, the White Sox dominated the hapless Indians in a rain-delayed beatdown. Rather than try, the Sox put out their shitsquad lineup, starting almost EVERY BENCH PLAYER WE HAVE. When Jayson Nix is in LF, Josh Fields is playing 1B, and Brian Anderson is finally allowed to start in CF, you know that Ozzie isn't even trying. I still think he should have rested Dye for Wise and taken out Pierzynski for Castro to seal the deal.

More importantly, Beckham has now raised his average to .267 after going hitless in his first 15 major league ABs. In the last week, Beckham is 10/17 (.588 avg), and is now happily recruited by my fantasy team (thanks for dropping him prematurely, Kegs). If Kenny Williams isn't trying to "buy" at the trade deadline I'm going to be stunned.

It's a lovely day...

Now, some of you might expect me to be the sort of person who would carefully savor each morsel of the Chicago White Sox's victory over the hapless Chicago Cubs, but I'm going to prove you all wrong and take the higher road. I will not sepnd the time reflecting on how completely inept your team is, how the Sox bludgeoned your "ace", or how the Cubs managed to blow countless scoring opportunities.

Because they suck.

And are the scum of the earth.

Instead, here's some things I noticed:

#1. Milton Bradley is a bigger defensive liability than I would have imagined. Imagine Scott Podsednik. Now, take Podsednik and break both of his legs. Maybe gouge out an eye to make the depth perception a problem too. Now put him in right field. Every ball hit to right field became an extra base hit because runners (rightfully) challenged Bradley's ability to get to the ball and throw it to the second baseman. I don't watch a lot of Cubs games, but I can see this being a problem.

#2. The infield fly rule apparently applies to a shitty outfield as well.

If you caught the game (and if you didn't, you're probably a "Chicago" fan and need to be killed), you'd know that if your fielders are JUUUUST bad enough, the infield fly rule applies...outside the infield. Not complaining about it (we scored a run because we TAGGED UP), but I am mightiliy amused by this.

#3. The White Sox are getting faster.

I remember last year when the Sox went through baserunning stretches of "station-t0-station" misery. No one could run, no one could PINCH RUN, and generally, unless there were three hits in a row, no one was scoring. With Pods, Anderson, Wise, Bechkam, Getz, Fields, Ramirez, and Nix, you've got a bunch of guys that can all run (being realistic, I did not include Dye on that list). It was nice to see Ozzie bust out some small ball on Sunday, even trying to pull the squeeze with Pods and Wise.

#4. I fucking hate DeWayne Wise.

There, I said it. It's not (entirely) because he takes time from Anderson - it's that he just shoudn't be starting on any major league team. It would be like if Timo Perez were signed to play and we started him over Pods in LF for an entire week. It's the wrong choice! Other facts: I hate his plate approach, I hate his inability to hit, I hate his crappy read on the ball in CF, I hate that his speed is his entire crutch...I even hate his AB music ("Ain't I" by Yung LA)! This marks, what, the third day in a row without Anderson!?

#5. I almost pooped myself when I heard DeRosa was going to the Cardinals.

It was close. I may have sharded a little, but I don't think that counts. Now, if the Cardinals are serious about getting Holliday also, I may need to start bringing an extra pair of pants with me.

Can't we all...just...get along?

Moments after Sosa was revealed to be a cheater

Loyal Dong Reader Bloomerqueef sent in the following response when asked if he was "surprised" about Sosa being labeled a cheater. We thought we'd share:

"Does a bear shit in the woods?

My mother who knows nothing about baseball knew that Sammy Sosa was taking steroids. Seriously is anyone surprised? I thought it was just sort of common knowledge that the HR race of 97 or whenever that was was fueled entirely by horse pills, bitch tit suppressors, anabolic steroids, and yes, Flintstones vitamins. I don't get why everyone is so shocked. I never had much of an affinity for Sammy though, as he disappeared in the playoffs (like so many of his Cub brethren. How fitting).

Yes, the Cubs are horrible. Jim Hendry and Lou Pinella gave the team the old cleveland steamer when they traded in Mark DeRosa, a clubhouse guy who everyone liked and produced offensively and defensively at every position, for Milton Bradley. Bradley is a clubhouse cancer who is perpetually injured and, after raising his batting average 100 points, is hitting .234. It was a horrible trade. The bullpen sucks, the new closer sucks, and the only thing keeping the team afloat is that the starting pitching has been good enough to keep them in almost every game. Don't even get me started on Aaron Miles. I want to punch my own cock when I think about the moves that they made in the off season to "improve" the team.

Is Kenny Williams on the hot seat yet? Has anyone realized that Ozzie was on the right side of luck in 2005? Not that it wasn't a good team, but come ON! I guess that's baseball for you. A bunch of juiced up millionaires who can't earn their living.

At least we have Cutler!"

Couldn't have said it better myself. Also, I would much rather that Ozzie be on the hot seat than KW - at least Kenny has made some real steals for the club (see: Carlos Quentin, Podsednik Part Deux, Danks, Floyd...etc). As for Ozzie, he routinely runs players into the ground until they submit to a doghouse role (Anderson, Fields) or are traded (Broadway, Swisher, Betemit). I believe that Ozzie was a reason that Peavy wouldn't come to town as well.

At least we have Cutler.

Cubs Vs Sox

It's on.

It's rivalry week bitches!!

Call it whatever you want: The Crosstown Classic, The Windy City Showdown, Red Line Rivalry, City Series, Expressway Series, or Crosstown Showdown - this is the best part of baseball season (especially for the Cubs fans, who really don't get to enjoy the postseason).

The all time crosstown series is tied at 33-33 and the Sox are currently enjoying a 3 game win streak dating back to last season.

This season, the Sox are 30-34 (.469) and the Cubs 30-30 (.500)

These games are emotionally draining and can have a powerful effect on the rest of both teams respective seasons. The series has a playoff-like atmosphere and the pressure is intense. Both teams hate each other, both fan bases hate each other and bragging rights will last until next year.

There is a useless poll on ESPN comparing both teams at each position (http://espn.go.com/chicago/story?id=4257124). As of right now, the Sox are dominating almost every position (as they should be). A few surprises - Konerko over Lee? Lilly over Floyd? - but nothing too crazy.

I'll always remember vending at those games... I'd make around $5.00 because I'd spend the whole time watching (instead of selling). Totally worth it. I'll also remember the vicious anti-Sosa strikeout/steroid/baby dick heckling at Comisky. Real nuggets of wisdom.

Outside of the Barrett/Pierzynski fiasco, does anyone have any great memories?

-KEG