Crede Added to All-Star Roster - Pitching Staff Snubbed

From Sox Machine. "[Crede] was a bad choice!"

Holy Shit We're Famous

Nah, not really. But still, any award is a good award:

http://www.flatusyahu.com/2008/05/06/top-ten-sports-blog-logos/

Kicking It Old School

Let's face it - Chicago gets its fair share of sports anomalies. We're known for players who are crazy good (see: Michael Jordan), and just plain crazy (see: Dennis Rodman). With Benson's most recent arrest, it's time to show some love for one of our less publicized skills: law-breaking. Without further ado, I present the all-time Chicago criminals...MLS lineup.

What, you can't have criminals play soccer? Screw you, I can do what I want.

Striker: Wil Cordero

Go Go Gadget Knees!

Wil Cordero is criminal soccer's version of "The Natural," and is definately an all-star at his position. Just listen to this:

"Red Sox outfielder Wilfredo Cordero, facing charges of assaulting his current wife, also allegedly beat his former wife when she was pregnant, according to a court document obtained by the Boston Globe."

This guy beat the shit out of his current wife, and he struck the pregnant ex-wife. Not only that, but he was resourceful enough to do it with a telephone! If that doesn't qualify him to be a "striker," I don't know what does. In terms of actual sports ability, Cordero was a Silver Slugger in 1997, and even though the ligaments in his arms are shot, I'll bet his legs still work.

Striker: Albert BelleWhat me worry?

I put Albert here based on potential. When it comes to being a striker, Belle has an incredibly high ceiling. Just look at the trouble he went through for stalking his girlfriend:

"[Belle]...was been arrested and charged in February, then arrested again May 17 at his Scottsdale home after he again contacted the victim. He has been jailed since the second arrest and received credit for time served only since he entered his plea. Belle's former girlfriend told police in January that she discovered a Global Positioning System tracking device that had fallen off her car. She also said Belle had threatened her."

That's just in stalking her! Can you imagine the potential if he actually got close? This guy could be perennial all-star!

Midfielder/Forward: Cedric BensonThis image can do no wrong.

Cedric could have been a forward, but something about needing to be able to run 10 consecutive steps forces me to downgrade him to midfielder. When he has an open field in front of him, he likes to fall down - in soccer, this is good! They call it "slide tackling." You need him to fall down to block midfield passing. As a midfielder, his job is to connect the forwards and defenders, as well as disrupt the same interaction for the opposing team. Not only that, but you know Cedric has some fight in him as well, racking up multiple violations in the same year. This is a guy you want to keep things rowdy in the midfield, pepper spray be damned.

Midfielder/Forward: Michael JordanContrary to popular belief, I am only 99% perfect.

Jordan could probably play midfielder (athletically speaking) even without me making things up. However, when you see how Jordan handled his gambling - bridging that gap between gambler and player flawlessly - you see how he could bring your MLS team to a whole new level with quick, accurate passes and a deep pockets for the occasional lawsuit.

Midfielder/Forward: Joakim Noah"KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!"

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: the midfielder is responsible for bridging the gap between the offense and defense. Noah is already a pro, having already bridged his fantasy drug-induced world with our own. If he can concentrate on the game long enough to remember which team he's on, he could be a valuable asset to the team...provided Ben Wallace allows him to play.

Midfielder/Forward: Tuomo Ruutu

But...I didn't do anything!

Ruutu is an interesting case. He qualifies for the list because he was arrested, but he was arrested because he looked like a criminal, not because he was one. Frankly, I'm torn about putting him on this list, but I think he has the actual experience needed to be a midfielder, and if we're even going to pretend to be competitve, ONE of these choices has to make a little bit of sense.

Defenders: Lance Briggs, Alonzo Spellman, Brian Urlacher, Tank Johnson

How can you argue with these selections? You've got your explosive/lunatic speedsters in Spellman and Briggs, and you get your hard-hitters in Urlacher and Johnson. Briggs is obviously the sweeper in this group - his experience with roaming the secondary on the Bears pays off here. Johnson provides the muscle for this group, and keeps the opposing team on their toes...by shooting at them. Urlacher can read incomind attacks - and respond with threatening text messages while Spellman can just try and blow up the whole fucking stadium to match any one of his exploits.

Basically, this is the defensive unit you do NOT fuck with. Just like the real Bears, their strength is in their D.

Goalie: Roland Harper

Roland? Call me Lando

Here's a guy you want in front of the net with the game on the line. Harper was always a good blocker with great hands, so you already knew he could handle a flimsy little ball. Then we learned that he had sticky fingers, too, and now he becomes the automatic choice for goalie. Best of all, if any one of these other players goes down with an injury (cough JAIL SENTANCE cough), Harper could fill in for any one of them, and get'er done.

Coach: William Ligue

Hugs and kisses!

This guy knows what the game needs, and how to play your cards. Enough said.

Oh, and lest we forget about this guy - UTILITY PLAYER.

Surprise! Bears are going to suck.

Excessive force! Excessive Force!

For anyone who is already itching for fantasy football season, Yahoo came out with their "Juggernaut Index" this morning, ranking teams on their fantasy value (so, essentially only their skill position players, QB, WR, TE, RB). Keep in mind this ought to have no direct correlation to the Bears W/L record.

Not surprisingly, the Bears rank DEAD FUCKING LAST at 32. I get the WR part (I mean seriously guys, Marty Booker and Brandon Lloyd?!?) and I certainly understand the skepticism at QB. Some folks are bullish on rookie Matt Forte (as am I) but if he's in your fantasy starting lineup, you are probably fucked. [Note: I am a total sucker for preseason hype. It gets me every year. I was the conductor on the Benson bandwagon disaster and I have been known to endorse other sub-par preformers including Kevin Jones, Vernon Davis, DeAngelo Williams, and Fred Taylor (but only while he was injured). Hell, I even liked Rashaan Salaam when we drafted him.]

A few personal thoughts on our offense:

1) If Mark Bradley turns out to be half as talented as everyone thinks he is, he should pull in 50 catches and 3-5 TD's as a WR3.

2) Matt Forte adds a pair of soft hands to the backfield that we haven't seen since TJ left. Don't underestimate Ron Turners affinity for screen passes and short routes underneath. He loves that shit. With Chris Williams bolstering our line and Greg Olson keeping MLB's/OLB's honest, he might have a chance at 60-70 REC's too (remember, Peterson had ~50 last year in shared time).

3) Rex will have a "good" year. This totally makes sense- he always does JUST enough to keep the Bears from getting rid of him. He's done this every year he's been in the league. In order to keep his job after the 1 year contract he signed, he'll need to throw 20TD's with less than 15INT's... he will probably do just that (and nothing more).

I don't disagree with putting the Bears at the bottom of the league in terms of fantasy impact. Our skill players suck. Perhaps if there are enough internet articles to persuade delusional Ron Turner to get some help at these positions (sign Koren Robinson?), we might not completely dismiss the Bears on draft day.

-Keggs

SEX AND THE CITY: FIRST BLOOD...PART TWO

Before I get started here, I feel like I should explain the back story to all this.  A while back, in my infinite wisdom, I took my girlfriend to see the last "Rambo" movie in the theater.  Much to my surprise, she did not enjoy seeing random Burmese people being filled with bullet holes the size of those small Coke cans they give you on the airplane.  As we left the theater, the little lady was not in a good mood, to say the least. As tears streamed down her delicate face, she looked up at me with those sad eyes and said:  "You son of a bitch.  Just for that, you have to go see the 'Sex and the City' movie with me."

So before you go thinking I'm some kind of homo, THAT's why I was there.

Anyways...this movie is pretty much the ultimate chick flick.  It's like pornography for women.  Just like a porno flick might have a variety of scenes tailored to a wide range of male interests (yay Bukakke!), this movie contains just about everything women could possibly want to see. Is there a tiny puppy? Check. Newborn baby? Check.  Insanely expensive wedding scene?  Yup. A shitload of shoes and purses? You bet your sweet ass. Speaking of which, there is one scene where the camera lingers on a man's bare ass for a good 20 seconds. (Keggers will probably go rent it just for that).

The film did make a few concessions to the guys in the audience though.  Like, uh...I think they showed some titties once or twice. Oh, and there's one part where someone shits in their pants.  While that's all fine and good, I don't think it quite explains that old dude in the trench coat that was in the back of the theater alone. Maybe he likes shoes and purses too.

I should add that this movie is one of the dumbest pieces of shit I've ever seen.  There wasn't really any kind of plot, just various excuses to show the chick-friendly scenes I mentioned above.  I felt like I lost a good 20 IQ points just sitting through this thing.  As my lady friend put it, "It was like watching TV, on a really big screen, for a really long time."  Shit, even a lesser Stallone masterpiece like "Cobra" is cinematic genius next to this film.   It's also interesting to note that Sarah Jessica Parker is starting to look like one of the guitar players from Exodus.  Drugs are bad, people!!!

So what the whole thing boils down to is: Dudes like watching people get shot and stabbed, and women enjoy seeing other women go shopping and get married.  Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.  Hope that clears things up for you.  And be grateful Hillary's not going to be in charge around here.

Sox Notes: 6/30/08

Coincidentally, this is also the number of times Wood is expected on the DL this year.

Believe it or not, I'm not writing this to rub in the sweep. Let's face it - the third game of a highly televised series, with a sweep on the line? Why would I want to write about the fact that Brian Anderson, Jim Thome, and Carlos Quentin all went deep off of the highly touted Cubs? Why would I mention that Buerhle held them to just one run, and that the bullpen locked them down? Why would I even toss in that Alexei Ramirez is fucking incredible, and that the Cubs need to go back to AAA to learn baserunning?

No, here at the Dong, we're better than that.

Instead, I'd like to talk about some of the"finer" behavioral points I witnessed at US Cellular last night. See, when you get a bunch of drunk people, and then make them wear different colors, you'll eventually get some sort of violence. I happened to get a good look at a serious beat-down that happened near the Walgreens sign at left-center. No clear winner, but security took their sweet time getting there...



...because they were busy breaking up this doozy near the right-field foul pole. Want to know why they took so long to bail this douchebag out? That's right: there was ANOTHER fight going on!

Brian Nolan of Woodridge was charged with theft related to Saturday's fight in the upper deck at U.S. Cellular Field, police said. Nolan allegedly picked up some money that fell out of a woman's purse and refused to give it back. That led to several fans punching Nolan.

I mean, really? Really? Come on. You and I both know that the elotes at the cell are delicious and overpriced ($4 a pop!), but you don't pretend that the money is yours. What kind of passive-ass criminal are you, anyways? Kick her ass and TAKE her money, you pussy. Nobody questions someone with initiative.

The moral of the story: Don't fuck with the guy in the Thome jersey.

First Pitch Awesomeness

Derrick Rose got his first taste of the Chicago sports media this weekend, throwing out the first pitch for the Sox / Cubs interleague game on Saturday.

First off, the dude threw a perfect strike, which is more that you can say for the majority of ceremonial first pitches. Hell, even TPC chucked a wounded duck for the Cubs a few years back and he threw 47 TD's for the division champ Roses back in 01.

The Champ himself:

Here are some other memorable first pitches in Chicago:

Hester the Molester (of opposing defenses)

The other El Prez throwing heat

Hottie Marissa Miller

MJ for the Sox

Romo- another lovable loser

Let us know if you have any other famous/hot celebrity throwers and we'll track down some photos.

Also, congrats to the Sox for sweeping the Cubs at the Cell, keeping the all-time deathmatch record tied at 33-33. More on that to come...

-Keggs

Looks like we're back...

Guess which one is Keggers

Looks like we're back to keeping the Dong alive - but it's going to be a two-man show this time around (sounds right up Keggers' alley, anyways). For those of you that remember our cohorts Bloomerfag (aka Bloomerqueef), TPC, and other random contributors, we remember them too. We also remember that we're much cooler than they are. So, from here on out, it's just Keggers and myself.

I'm actually having a bit of a crisis with the second coming of the Dong. On one hand, IT'S THE DONG. The Dong demands respect, it demands Chicago sports news, and if right now isn't the best batch of Chi-Town news in months (Benson, Sox/Cubs, Rose...etc), I don't know what is. On the other hand, we're all inconsistent, unrelaible bastards. We like to thing that we're busier and better than the rest of you, and as evidenced by the 4-posts-in-3-months we'd been doing, we've made our point. We don't want to let you down again with shitty, sporadic posting. Likewise, we don't want to promise we're posting every day, because let's be realistic, we're not.

So as a show of good faith, I am going to the Sox game today.

CLEARLY I am ONLY going to prove my loyalty to the Dong, and not because going to Game 3 of the city series at home is something that I'm interested in, or anything. I mean, it's not like we're going to be bringing a world of hurt to the Cubs for the sweep to even out the series or anything...


More on the game, well, AFTER the game.

Resurrecting the Dong

"Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead was laid.

And Derrick Rose lifted up his eyes, and said, Vinny, I thank thee that thou hast heard me.

And when he thus had spoken, he cried with a loud voice, Luol Deng, come forth!

And he that was dead came forth, bound hand and dong with graveclothes: and his face was glorious and intensely black."

Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you the secong coming of the dong.

After much consideration, we have decided to bring back the Dong in all it's glory. No real Chicago fan can sit idly while the Bulls have the #1 pick and both the Sox and Cubs are in first place (and playing each other in interleague).

The new format will essentially have 2 contributors (Gepetto and myself) with an occasional rant by different guests on random subjects.

If you have any suggestions, please let us know and we will promptly tell you to go fuck yourself.

As an aside, you should have seen the other photoshops for this post (think resurrecting the champ + a big black dong).

More Jordan visual masturbation

With the emergence of non-youtube video databases, I've been watching all kinds of entertaining videos from around the world (including a very intriguing "DVDAWH" collection- apparently WH = "with horse").

I've also been watching some old-school footage of MJ from college that I thought to share with you folks:



A few updates and links to keep everyone entertained:

1) Brian Urlacher brushed the sand out of his vag and decided to end his threatened hold out. Apparently he hasn't shared his notes with Tommie Harris.

2) The Bulls miraculously got the 1st pick and have to decide between Rose and Beasley, which is like having to decide between a free steak or free milkshake.

3) The ChiSox and Cubbies are both in 1st place, which is awesome. Until the Cubs lose 20 straight to end the season out of the playoffs. This will actually happen.