SEX AND THE CITY: FIRST BLOOD...PART TWO

Before I get started here, I feel like I should explain the back story to all this.  A while back, in my infinite wisdom, I took my girlfriend to see the last "Rambo" movie in the theater.  Much to my surprise, she did not enjoy seeing random Burmese people being filled with bullet holes the size of those small Coke cans they give you on the airplane.  As we left the theater, the little lady was not in a good mood, to say the least. As tears streamed down her delicate face, she looked up at me with those sad eyes and said:  "You son of a bitch.  Just for that, you have to go see the 'Sex and the City' movie with me."

So before you go thinking I'm some kind of homo, THAT's why I was there.

Anyways...this movie is pretty much the ultimate chick flick.  It's like pornography for women.  Just like a porno flick might have a variety of scenes tailored to a wide range of male interests (yay Bukakke!), this movie contains just about everything women could possibly want to see. Is there a tiny puppy? Check. Newborn baby? Check.  Insanely expensive wedding scene?  Yup. A shitload of shoes and purses? You bet your sweet ass. Speaking of which, there is one scene where the camera lingers on a man's bare ass for a good 20 seconds. (Keggers will probably go rent it just for that).

The film did make a few concessions to the guys in the audience though.  Like, uh...I think they showed some titties once or twice. Oh, and there's one part where someone shits in their pants.  While that's all fine and good, I don't think it quite explains that old dude in the trench coat that was in the back of the theater alone. Maybe he likes shoes and purses too.

I should add that this movie is one of the dumbest pieces of shit I've ever seen.  There wasn't really any kind of plot, just various excuses to show the chick-friendly scenes I mentioned above.  I felt like I lost a good 20 IQ points just sitting through this thing.  As my lady friend put it, "It was like watching TV, on a really big screen, for a really long time."  Shit, even a lesser Stallone masterpiece like "Cobra" is cinematic genius next to this film.   It's also interesting to note that Sarah Jessica Parker is starting to look like one of the guitar players from Exodus.  Drugs are bad, people!!!

So what the whole thing boils down to is: Dudes like watching people get shot and stabbed, and women enjoy seeing other women go shopping and get married.  Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.  Hope that clears things up for you.  And be grateful Hillary's not going to be in charge around here.

Sox Notes: 6/30/08

Coincidentally, this is also the number of times Wood is expected on the DL this year.

Believe it or not, I'm not writing this to rub in the sweep. Let's face it - the third game of a highly televised series, with a sweep on the line? Why would I want to write about the fact that Brian Anderson, Jim Thome, and Carlos Quentin all went deep off of the highly touted Cubs? Why would I mention that Buerhle held them to just one run, and that the bullpen locked them down? Why would I even toss in that Alexei Ramirez is fucking incredible, and that the Cubs need to go back to AAA to learn baserunning?

No, here at the Dong, we're better than that.

Instead, I'd like to talk about some of the"finer" behavioral points I witnessed at US Cellular last night. See, when you get a bunch of drunk people, and then make them wear different colors, you'll eventually get some sort of violence. I happened to get a good look at a serious beat-down that happened near the Walgreens sign at left-center. No clear winner, but security took their sweet time getting there...



...because they were busy breaking up this doozy near the right-field foul pole. Want to know why they took so long to bail this douchebag out? That's right: there was ANOTHER fight going on!

Brian Nolan of Woodridge was charged with theft related to Saturday's fight in the upper deck at U.S. Cellular Field, police said. Nolan allegedly picked up some money that fell out of a woman's purse and refused to give it back. That led to several fans punching Nolan.

I mean, really? Really? Come on. You and I both know that the elotes at the cell are delicious and overpriced ($4 a pop!), but you don't pretend that the money is yours. What kind of passive-ass criminal are you, anyways? Kick her ass and TAKE her money, you pussy. Nobody questions someone with initiative.

The moral of the story: Don't fuck with the guy in the Thome jersey.

First Pitch Awesomeness

Derrick Rose got his first taste of the Chicago sports media this weekend, throwing out the first pitch for the Sox / Cubs interleague game on Saturday.

First off, the dude threw a perfect strike, which is more that you can say for the majority of ceremonial first pitches. Hell, even TPC chucked a wounded duck for the Cubs a few years back and he threw 47 TD's for the division champ Roses back in 01.

The Champ himself:

Here are some other memorable first pitches in Chicago:

Hester the Molester (of opposing defenses)

The other El Prez throwing heat

Hottie Marissa Miller

MJ for the Sox

Romo- another lovable loser

Let us know if you have any other famous/hot celebrity throwers and we'll track down some photos.

Also, congrats to the Sox for sweeping the Cubs at the Cell, keeping the all-time deathmatch record tied at 33-33. More on that to come...

-Keggs

Looks like we're back...

Guess which one is Keggers

Looks like we're back to keeping the Dong alive - but it's going to be a two-man show this time around (sounds right up Keggers' alley, anyways). For those of you that remember our cohorts Bloomerfag (aka Bloomerqueef), TPC, and other random contributors, we remember them too. We also remember that we're much cooler than they are. So, from here on out, it's just Keggers and myself.

I'm actually having a bit of a crisis with the second coming of the Dong. On one hand, IT'S THE DONG. The Dong demands respect, it demands Chicago sports news, and if right now isn't the best batch of Chi-Town news in months (Benson, Sox/Cubs, Rose...etc), I don't know what is. On the other hand, we're all inconsistent, unrelaible bastards. We like to thing that we're busier and better than the rest of you, and as evidenced by the 4-posts-in-3-months we'd been doing, we've made our point. We don't want to let you down again with shitty, sporadic posting. Likewise, we don't want to promise we're posting every day, because let's be realistic, we're not.

So as a show of good faith, I am going to the Sox game today.

CLEARLY I am ONLY going to prove my loyalty to the Dong, and not because going to Game 3 of the city series at home is something that I'm interested in, or anything. I mean, it's not like we're going to be bringing a world of hurt to the Cubs for the sweep to even out the series or anything...


More on the game, well, AFTER the game.

Resurrecting the Dong

"Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead was laid.

And Derrick Rose lifted up his eyes, and said, Vinny, I thank thee that thou hast heard me.

And when he thus had spoken, he cried with a loud voice, Luol Deng, come forth!

And he that was dead came forth, bound hand and dong with graveclothes: and his face was glorious and intensely black."

Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you the secong coming of the dong.

After much consideration, we have decided to bring back the Dong in all it's glory. No real Chicago fan can sit idly while the Bulls have the #1 pick and both the Sox and Cubs are in first place (and playing each other in interleague).

The new format will essentially have 2 contributors (Gepetto and myself) with an occasional rant by different guests on random subjects.

If you have any suggestions, please let us know and we will promptly tell you to go fuck yourself.

As an aside, you should have seen the other photoshops for this post (think resurrecting the champ + a big black dong).

More Jordan visual masturbation

With the emergence of non-youtube video databases, I've been watching all kinds of entertaining videos from around the world (including a very intriguing "DVDAWH" collection- apparently WH = "with horse").

I've also been watching some old-school footage of MJ from college that I thought to share with you folks:



A few updates and links to keep everyone entertained:

1) Brian Urlacher brushed the sand out of his vag and decided to end his threatened hold out. Apparently he hasn't shared his notes with Tommie Harris.

2) The Bulls miraculously got the 1st pick and have to decide between Rose and Beasley, which is like having to decide between a free steak or free milkshake.

3) The ChiSox and Cubbies are both in 1st place, which is awesome. Until the Cubs lose 20 straight to end the season out of the playoffs. This will actually happen.

Is this for real?

So I was searching the web, not looking for porn, and I came across this video:


Online Videos by Veoh.com


First of all, holy crap that was awesome.

Secondly, that sure looks like classic Jordan.

Has anyone ever seen this or heard about it before? What team is this? Is this legit? I've seen a lot of these Kobe commercials where he's jumping over cars and snake-infested swimming pools, and of course the NFL promo's with Vick throwing a ball into the upper deck etc, so I don't know what to believe anymore.

Someone tell me this really happened!

God Catches Up On Some Unfinished Business

GOD SMASH!

After returning from a nice vacation in the Bahamas, it was back to work for God:

Former major league pitcher Geremi Gonzalez, who won 11 games for the Chicago Cubs in 1997, was killed by a lightning strike in his native Venezuela on Sunday. He was 33. Emergency management official Herman Bracho said Monday that Gonzalez was struck by lightning at a beach.

“The Chicago Cubs are very saddened today to learn of Geremi Gonzalez’s sudden passing,” general manager Jim Hendry said in a statement.

While God Himself was unavailable for comment, a spokesman for The Lord had the following to say:

"God has clocked back in at the office, and is looking to tie up some loose ends before submitting His annual report."

Other "unfinished business" likely includes Matt Karchner, Shawon Dunston, and Dave Clark. It has already been confirmed that Sammy Sosa will remain on this mortal coil as a reminder of the 10 plagues.

Article: Yahoo Sports

Joakim Noah Does Drugs

NO FUCKING SHIT.

What Hawk REALLY Thinks About During the Broadcast

Good afternoon sports fans! We're coming to you live on a particularly chilly day in Chicago. The Sox are playing the Detroit Tigers in the hopes of completing a three-game sweep with a victory today, right Hawk?

...Hawk?

...

The sacks are packed with Sox, and we're down a run. One out, one on, with ducks on the pond for Thome.

Thome hits a line drive, deep! Stretch! Get on back there!

Dadgummit! Ate him up! Can of corn for Granderson.

Yeah, that was a pretty good pitch by Verlander. Notice how he pitches the ball over the plate, forcing Thome to try and put that one into play. Good effort all around.

Paulie steps into the box...and hits a line drive! This one goes way back!

He looks up...

You can put it on the board...YEEESSS!!!