DRose Representing The Dong

(Give it up for the Two Pump Chump!)

BREAKING NEWS!!!


Par usual, the mainstream media has taken an innocent (butt)plug for the Dong out of context. Derrick Rose, Bulls basketball star and loyal dong reader, was recently at a party where he was asked who his favorite Dong writer was. Obviously, he said the TPC and threw up his hands to rep his choice. As you can see in this picture he is all about the Dong and wouldn't know a Gangster Disciple if one shot him in the face.

Stop trying to keep the Dong down, we will remain erect and engorged no matter what "the man" throws at us.

Derrick, I love you and appreciate your vote of confidence (not that there is much competition).

Twitter (my balls)

(my balls)

In our glorious crusade aimed at spreading the good word and gospel of The Dong to the masses, we have reached an astounding 1,800 followers on the intertubes Twitter machine .

Obviously, LuolsDong is a an equal opportunity follower and will return the favor to anyone cool enough to follow us in the first place.

Apparently, the evil Twitter gods are attempting to thwart our rise to upper echelon of twitterdom by capping our ability to follow people at 2,000. For those of you who don't use twitter, this is the equivalent of trying to make friends in a pickup game of basketball without being allowed to talk to more than 3 of the 10 guys on the court. You'll probably pick 3 guys on your own team that you kinda know already, and you might end up with 3 better buddies but you'll definitely get 7 guys that think you're an asshole.

In twitter talk, we now have people following the Dong and we are not allowed to follow them back. It's an ugly faux paus (like clicking "I don't know this person" in LinkedIn or de-friending people on Facebook).

Reminds me of an old buddy from overseas:

Too harsh? Absolutely not.

NOBODY GIVES FUCKING ORDERS TO THE DONG.

Nobody can tell us who we can and cannot be friends with. This is a free fucking country. If people want to follow the Dong like an erect landmark, guiding them to great Chicago sports coverage and witty anecdotes, then they should at least be allowed to receive our return follow, like feeling the presence of the lord, and be given the honor to bask in our greatness.

I understand that twitter may be trying to curb aggressive marketing tactics, but 1800 of our 2000 follows are people that are already following us!

So here's to you Twitter, you communist nazi bastard. You can try to rubber the dong but our girth cannot be contained.

-KEG

**Update: Picture of Hitler was removed due to angry bubbie.

Bringing Back The Free Shit

There will be more free shit in the future - this is a known - but what sort of things do you guys want to see? We've had all sorts of shit in the past - DVDs, electronics, and even a special Keggers Outfit.

Tell us what you want to win (realistically, fuckers), and we'll do what we can to make it happen. All we ask in return is that you bring your A-Game when you comment on posts - otherwise that douchebag Raimster is going to win everything like last year.

What do you want to win?

The TPC becomes a man

My best friend, the infamous TPC, got married last night.

It was awesome.

Some highlights from the filthy jew-fest:

Propeller Nami snapped off the helicopter:

Gets funnier every time.

DZ rides the Horse with no hands, muzzle:

I was pretty sure DZ was going to die.

Only for the TPC would the big guy don a Wrigley jersey (although I've got tons of vendor pride). Note - I'm not the dirty mexican on the left...

Grow a goddamn mustache already...

The Mouth does a pretty good Billy Joel:

Pex (aka The Mouth) after a few too many Goose Islands...

On a sidenote, we were honestly REALLY FUCKING CLOSE to renting an actual goat to show up at the wedding. It would have been insane. Instead, we got a Horse, which is never a let down.

Haaaaaaas! (Yes, he was an actual cheerleader)

So, here's to you TPC.

Happy wedding, enjoy the remaining doldrums of married life.

Twitter my balls.

-KEG

UPDATE:

This is funny.

Time For A New Sport

Goddamnit...I thought we were playing Gin!

The White Sox and Cubs do what they can to get us through that May-to-September stretch (footballfootballfootballfootball), but when the Cubs squeak out a victory to move into a tie for 3rd place with the Reds and the Sox can't get the job done, it makes time go even slower. Sure, the Hawks and the Bulls distracted us for a bit in May with unexpected playoff runs, but that really isn't going to happen on regular basis.

It's time for a new sport, and I want it to be XARM.



What's XARM, you ask? It's not a radio station - it's fighting without the waiting. If there's one thing I hate about boxing and UFC, it's that one of the guys can be an absolute pussy and pull out a win at the end via decision. Decisions are for pansies. If you're alive at the end of the fight, you win. No other rules.

Needless to say, XARM takes a step in the right direction by tethering the two fighters together. No more of this "I'm running away in a defensive fashion" bullshit. You are attached to your opponent. As a result, the only stoppage of fighting from the devastating haymakers is when the two guys happen to take a break to breathe simulataneously. Otherwise, there's just a shitload of beat-down.

Just look at this:

Fast-forward to 4:30 if you just want to see the beating.

That...that's beautiful! Two behemoths swinging and kicking and doing everything they can to kill eachother. There's even the comic value of the table sitting in the middle! I want to see a season of XARM kick off in June, and go through August - just long enough to get us to football season, but not to conflict with it. We can get a couple of guys from Chicago, and we're all set.

Who's with me?!

Beckham Begins

Even our prospects have good prospects

Unsurprisingly, the Sox called up Gordon Beckham yesterday, sending Wilson Betemit far far away. This is not really a surprise as Betemit has a 50% fielding percentage. The guy commits more errors than Brian Anderson causes game-winners. That said, GB (as he shall now be known) has a few more hurdles to cross:

Experience: As much hype as there is around Beckham, I think he really DOES need a full season in the minors. There's no substitute for hard-nosed work ethic in the dregs, learning all those little fundamentals that are oh so valuable in MLB.

Josh Fields: As inconsistent as he is, Fields is still the 3B. I expect that Fields will finally make his move over to 1B with Beckham's arrival, but at least on paper, Fields is still the owner of third base. If Beckham doesn't transition well, Fields may be there just by default (Lillibridge? HA!)

He's Not Cuban: You laugh, but there are two kinds of infielders in Ozzie-land: Cuban, and Other. Cuban infielders are forgiven for almost ANYthing in their mechanics. Juan Uribe and Alexei Ramirez both have unorthodox methods of playing the infield, but Ozzie loves it calling them elastic and rugged at their position.

On the flip side, Getz and Nix have done a great job at 2B, and Ozzie is calling for additional improvement. Hell, he even brought up Tadahito Iguchi's mechanics in the same season that he made that ridiculous "diving-over-the-mound" play. Same thing goes for Fields (although he does suck), and Wilson Betemit (also suck). If Beckham wants to succeed, he's going to have to take Ozzie's inevitable criticism in stride and continue to make the big plays.

Godspeed, young GB

The Gourmet Dong: Maxwell St. Polish & Gyros

Welcome once again to my big greasy Gourmet Dong. We are on a mission to find the best Polish sausage/Italian beef/ bacon cheeseburgers in Chicago, cardiologists be damned. The story behind this week's review begins with me sitting at a shitty laundromat in Rogers Park, washing every god damn thing I own because we had bedbugs in the apartment. As I sat there watching my blankets and pillowcases spin around, and realizing that I just spent $35 in quarters, I shook my fist at the sky and said "God, why have you forsaken me?"  And the big guy answered, "My son...today you will eat a Polish sausage. And then write about it for the Dong."  

At that precise moment, through the rain and my own tears, I looked out the window and saw it: the modestly-named Maxwell Street Polish & Gyros.  The promised land?  Not so fast...

Food: 7. This may not come as a surprise, but I ordered a Polish. It was very good, if not exactly unique. I'm pretty sure that all these Polish/gyro places in Chicago get all their food from some common source, because a lot of their shit tastes exactly the same. The french fries were good too -- some soft, some crunchy, all salty -- but again, I couldn't shake that feeling that I've eaten this stuff before.  "Generic" might be the word I'm looking for. 

Ambience: 4. This place has a giant, loud-ass TV that is probably showing some network crap at all times. There's about 4 different people working here who all look like that young boy with the firecrackers in Boogie Nights. This is also that restaruant where some really fat trashy woman in a fancy coat walks in, talking all loud, and everyone who works there seems to know her because she eats there every day. I'm not sure if this counts as "ambience" but it definitely made me want to get the fuck out of there.  Also, I'm subtracting points for calling the place "Maxwell Street" when it's nowhere near Maxwell Street.  Maxwell style? Sure. But call it Maxwell street, and I might go back in time and beat the shit out of your parents.  

Service: 6. The whole "ordering" thing isn't very well organized here.  You kind of just order your food from the first guy who looks up at you, and then eventually someone cooks whatever you ordered, brings it to you, and takes your money. This all considered, I did get what I ordered in a reasonable amount of time, and they didn't fuck it up.  

Prices: 7. Just like the food was acceptably pedestrian, the prices were also about average. I think a Polish with fries was about 4 bucks. Nothing to write home about here. 

Total: 6. There is no god.

And remember, kids: If any of you have eaten at any of the places we review, or have anything to add, don't hesitate to post a comment. Thanks for looking at my Dong.

Around the horn

News team, assemble!!

1) Charles Barkley is out of his mind (and totally awesome).

If you haven't seen this clip calling his producer a pussy on live TV yet, you're missing an all-time great highlight.



Is it just me or is Chuck on an awesome-spree since serving time for posession? I love the total disbelief of Kenny and Reggie. "Um, Chuck, I don't think you can do that." 

2) Derrick Rose is (confirmed as) an idiot.

Is anyone really surprised by the news that he cheated on his SAT? I mean, seriously, come on. In an era of cheating at epic proportions, this is like faking sick to stay home from school when you're 9 years old. Nothing to see here, move along.

3) Twitter update: The dong is fully engorged with 1,400 followers. That's a lot of people loving the dong.  And for those people who we follow and don't follow us back, prepare to be dong slapped.

-KEG

Deadspin Commits Blogicide

As much as we claim to be brilliant, self inspired and otherwise amazing, we do have some humble roots from Deadspin. They have featured our articles in the past, have provided countless voices in their comments, and even spawned sites such as the amazing Kissing Suzy Kolber.

As such, it is with a very heavy heart that I see posts like this, pushing away the remaining members of the crowd in a post-Leitch era. The best content on Deadspin has always been the stories generated by the audience. Sure, you can pull together a staff and try to stay on top of things, but the best way to get information and traffic is from tips and comments.

I don't know whether or not this decision comes from Daulerio or Gawker Media, but I do know that it continues a trend of pushing away other content (Weekly Blogdome has been smashed, linkouts have been kept to a minimum...etc). I fear that this latest step may be the final nail in the coffin.

Thoughts? Post them - unfiltered - in the comments.

Worshipping Brian Anderson

After yesterday's White Sox win, it's time to start looking for an explanation. You know what I mean - the inexplicable "winning" thing that seem to have taken off around, oh, May 19th (incidentally, the day Brian Anderson was activated from the DL...). Okay, we've been over this before, but it needs to be said again: the White Sox are winning because of Brian Anderson. I don't really know how else to explain it - as much as Ozzie wants to keep Anderson in the doghouse (oh, and if you were wondering why Lance Broadway was traded last week, look no further than Ozzie), it cannot be denied that he is our lord and savior.

Just look at these stats from May:

Games Played: 28
Games Played Without Brian Anderson: 16
Games Played With Brian Anderson: 12
Record in Games Without Brian Anderson: 4-12
Record in Games With Brian Anderson: 9-3

That's just all sorts of batshit crazy. Sure, Anderson is actually sort of productive at the moment (hitting .275), and is lightyears better than having Lillibridge start on the roster, but let's be honest here - he's Brian Anderson. He's not going to keep this up (as much as I want him to).

Yesterday's game was a prime example.

The Sox were up against the best pitcher in the AL (Zach Greinke), and were trailing until a mini-rally in the 5th. DeWayne Wise, in his first game back from the DL, did absolutely nothing. The score remained tied until the 9th, when Ozzie finally relented to reason and decided to bring in his best player:

Goddamnit! OK, Fine! I guess I have to put in that douchebag Anderson...

And hey, guess what? Anderson draws a walk in his only at-bat, scores, and facilitates a 3-run 9th inning that blows the game open. Jenks comes on, White Sox win, and Anderson saves the day yet again.

Anyone else a believer in the Cult of Brian Anderson?