Fuck you, Onion.

Quoted from the Onion:

July 31, 2008
Bears Unveil New-Look-Like-Shit Offense

BOURBONNAIS, IL—The Chicago Bears put on a display of inaccurate passing, sluggish route running, and careless ball-handling Wednesday as the team exhibited their new-look-like-shit offense to fans and media attending training camp to view a full-squad practice. "We finally have the personnel to implement a game plan of high-percentage incomplete passes, completed passes of four yards or less, and a rushing attack that lets us lose control of the game clock with complex plays that take forever to develop and generate negative yardage," offensive coordinator Ron Turner said, explaining why the Bears abandoned the "West-Coast-My-Fat-Ass" offense they ran last year. "I'm confident that both Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton possess the ability to overthrow a receiver on a deep fly pattern or find an open defender and deliver the ball with laser-like precision, so we'll be switching between them often and at random intervals to avoid either one getting into a rhythm or developing any confidence." According to Turner, the offense is starting to malfunction as a cohesive unit and has shown much more consistency at blowing assignments, missing blocks, and fumbling snaps.


Well played, Onion. Well played.

BREAKING: Griffey to the Sox

I wonder if these gloves come in black...

Sorry to crap on your post, Keggers, but, well, holy shit.

The Sox are getting Ken Griffey Jr.

Currently, it is unknown what the Sox are giving UP for Junior (my guess? Nick Massett and a AA prospect I've never heard of), but I wish we had done this LAST year when it made more sense. Griffey can't play CF any better than Swisher can at this rate, and the corners are locked up with Quentin and Dye.

If there's another trade in the works to free up a spot, I would be surprised. It's unlike Kenny to alter the team much. Likewise, I know how much of a hard-on Kenny has had for Griffey over the years, so I imagine he's not going anywhere.

Stay tuned.

(Oh yeah - and maybe Favre will DH)

whatwhatwWHAT?!?!?

Report: Packers consider sending Favre to division rival
ESPN.com news services
Updated: July 31, 2008, 9:27 AM ET

The Green Bay Packers, unable so far to trade Brett Favre and facing his arrival at training camp, are reportedly considering taking a step they desperately wanted to avoid: dealing him to a division rival.

The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, citing a source close to the situation, on Wednesday reported the Packers were considering seeking a deal with one of their rivals, most likely the Minnesota Vikings or Chicago Bears, if all else fails.

Are you fucking serious?? First of all, if the Pack are forced to keep Favre in the NFC, they should really try to avoid dealing him to a DIVISION RIVAL that they'll end up losing to TWICE next season. Adding Favre to either the Bears or Vikings almost guarantees that the Packers won't win the division. Worse, the arch-nemesis Bears are actually preferable to the Vikings in terms of Favre's impact.

He'd be a great mentor for fellow reckless gunslinger, Rexington Grosswald and might make Booker/Hester/Bradley look serviceable.

As much as I hate this drama, I'll be first in line for a Favre/Bears jersey.

$70 Million! Deng, thats a lotta money!!

CARGO!!!!

Luol Deng agreed with the Bulls in principle to a 6 year, $70+ Million to remain the face of the LuolsDong (and also to play for the Chicago Bulls).

"Wallah bontu inginni focu, giddo showa supunta!" said an excited Deng, clearly indicating his desire to score more points and eat more birds.

Here at the Dong, we were worried that we might have to change our namesake and infamous logo but alas, good things come to those with 12 inches. Flaccid.

Ah, love

And stay the fuck out of my Captain Crunch!

This is one of those stories you read that's just too good to pass up:

Man loses eye in Cubs-Sox argument in Huntley

Steele and his fiancée, April Bieze, said they went to the Abby Cadabby-Sesame Street-themed party that afternoon for Bieze’s 2-year-old niece. Bob Czapla and the other men were drinking vodka and beer and started taunting Steele with claims that White Sox fans had missing teeth, Bieze said.

“We were going to leave, but they convinced us that they were just joking around,” Bieze said.

Yet the taunts escalated and turned more personal, Steele said. Bob Czapla punched Steele, and the pair began to struggle before the two other men helped knock him to the garage floor and started kicking him in the head, Steele said.

Steele’s nose and orbital bone were broken and he lost his right eye in the attack after he was kicked in the face with a steel-toed boot.

So, let me get this straight: you're at a fucking SESAME STREET-themed party, drinking heavily with your fiancee. This is already slightly ridiculous. Then, you start arguing with a Cubs fan who has been drinking. This is like calling Olive Oyl a slut to Popeye's face at a Spinach factory - probably not the best idea.

Best of all, the guy has friends! Two other guys helped get this dumb bastard to the floor and beat the shit out of him. You've gotta wonder what sort of comeback he had to "Sox fans have bad teeth" to get that sort of reaction out of a bunch of drunk Cubs fans.

My guess:

"Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom."
"Thanks for inviting me."
"This party sure was fun. My kids are having a great time."
"That's a mighty fine drain this garage has - I'd like a closer look."

So, the logical thing happens - Cubs fans beat the shit out of you and knock out your eye with a steel-toed boot. Go fig. The victim has a "hilarious" joke afterwards:

"They said I’ll be able to do pretty much everything except fly an airplane,” Steele joked. “If I fall down, my family’s going to fall down. I’m up for my family.”

I don't get it.

Cedric's Weekend Planner

Me handsome.

Sometimes you've got to wonder what a guy like Cedric Benson does in his spare time. I mean, he's obviously got an expansive skillset: DUI, BUI (it's like a DUI, but with a boat), Boating While Black and so on. However, since we dumped Benson, he has even MORE free time on his hands. What's Cedric the Entertainer doing with his newfound offseason free time?

-23%- Harassing the Madden guys to correct his speed rating for next season. Gotta make sure he looks good to prospective teams.

-19%- Practicing walking, then moving on to running. Man, this staying upright thing is hard!

-12%- Sending Cedric the Entertainer letters threatening to sue for defamation of character.

-8%- Planning, just in case they discover a way to install a pot-detecting lock.

-4%- Attending court

-20%- Watching Night Court instead.

-10%- Opening "condolence" cards from Thomas Jones

-4%- Boat shopping


Oh Cedric - shine on you crazy diamond!

Sources: Jets can talk to Bears; Grossman ready to report

The New York Jets have received permission to talk to sexy Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman, a source told ESPN's Chris Mortensen on Friday.

Also Friday, a Bears source told Mortensen that Grossman informed Bears general manager Jerry Angelo by phone on Thursday that he was planning to report to the team's training camp this weekend.

The Jets and Tampa Bay Buccaneers have expressed interest in Grossman, according to a Bears source.

Grossman, who couldn't hold his starting job in April, hasn't made a decision on whether to send in his reinstatement-to-better-than-mediocre letter but would need to do so in order to report to camp as the starter.

At training camp on Friday, Jets coach Eric Mangini did not deny that the Jets have been given permission to talk to Grossman.

"With all discussions, those things are internal" Mangini said, adding that he and Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum talk every night about "a lot of different things" and have had "scenarios involved Rex, a keg and a midget" but always keep them internal.

It was the clearest signal yet that the Bears will deal Grossman to resolve the current stalemate. Chicago, which has committed to Kyle Orton and his neckbeard as the symbol of the future since winning a coin-toss this morning to becomg the starter, wants to keep Grossman away from its NFC North rivals -- especially the Minnesota Vikings.

Goodell has been briefed by Angelo on the status of the team's approach with Grossman. Goodell has encouraged the Bears to accelerate that process by surveying teams around the league to determine if there is a trade partner, sources said.

I'll let Wikipedia Handle This

So, there's talk of the Cubs getting their own TV station ala the Yankees' YES Network. While most people would say that you just can't get as much programming outside of the baseball game (like you can with the tradition and pride of the Yankees), I have to disagree.

First, the Cubs have a LONG-STANDING tradition. Can you guess what it is? Here - I've bolded the important parts from the Cubs wikipedia table of contents:

• 1 Early franchise history (1876 - 1920)
  • 1.1 1876-1900: Earliest years
  • 1.2 1901-1910: An NL dynasty
• 2 Golden age of baseball (1920 - 1979)
  • 2.1 1929-1938: Every 3 years
  • 2.2 1945: The Curse
  • 2.3 1969: The fall of '69
  • 2.4 1977: Heartbreak
• 3 Recent history
  • 3.1 1984: One game away
  • 3.2 1989: NL East champions
  • 3.3 1998: Wild card
  • 3.4 2001: Playoff push
  • 3.5 2003: 5 more outs
  • 3.6 2004: Letdown
  • 3.7 2007: Worst to 1st
  • 3.8 2008–Present

Oh, you can bet that they have this tradition thing down pat.

Here's a sample of Monday programming on the new Cubs network, CURSE TV:

3:00 - Blame It On Bartman. Premise: Callers report incidents of misfortune that have happened in their life, and the events are somehow blamed on Cubs fan Steve Bartman.

4:00 - Goat Hunting. Premise: Join lunatic Cubs fans as they break into farmers' yards to kill as many goats as possible, hoping that each one will bring them one step closer to "breaking the curse."

5:00 - Blow Random Shit Up And Hope For The Best. Premise: Take random Cubs memoribilia from a tragic season (any item will do) and make a big fuss about blowing it up in a bar. This week: Jack Brickhouse's femur.

6:00 - Cubbie Boo. Premise: Game show where contestants are shown videos of old Cubs games, and must boo in timing with the video. The winner is the contestant that boos loudest. Notable clips include a pitchout attempt, not throwing back a homerun ball, and a coaching visit to the mound.

7:00 - Cubs Game. Premise: Watch the "loveable losers" play a game of "baseball." Highlights include hot drunk chick, 7th inning stretch, and panning to other hot drunk chick.

Bears didn't give team-issued cell phone to Grossman

The media whirwind around Rex Grossman's comeback continues.

With his family "tugging" on him to return to the game, Rex Grossman has an "itch" to consistently play like a starting quarterback. He is considering reporting to training camp with the Bears as the undisputed starter later this month, according to sources close to the team and player.

Rex has communicated his potential desire to coach Lovie Smith but talks have not advanced to a substantive stage, a Bears source said.

Rex deciding to return does indeed put the Bears in an awkward situation. The entire offseason has been spent preparing Kyle Orton to play quarterback to the point where "the offensive scheme has evolved" and, psychologically, closing the door on Rex's legendary 5-year career.



Lovie Smith said it was Rex who convinced the coach that playing below-average was the "right thing to do."

"I tried to talk him out of sucking," Smith said back in March. "John Shoop [Chicago's quarterbacks coach] and I were trying to sell him on the concept that he could still play at a high level with 80 to 85 percent of the commitment he had last year. Rex thought that maybe he could do it but he reasoned that when you cut back the commitment, you open yourself up to potentially having a series of solid games, -- which is completely counterproductive to the Sex Cannon-- and letting the team get their hopes up in the process.

However, Grossman's brother, Scott, said Wednesday night that Rex has been working out and put a return to better-than-averageness by No. 8 at "50-50."

Rex was reached on Wednesday by Chicago's Sun Times newspaper and tried to calm the storm. "It's all rumor," he said of reports that he wants to be consistently good on the field.

Most recently, a media report in Chicago is refuting an earlier report that Grossman used a Bears-issued cell phone to talk to Minnesota Vikings coach Brad Childress and assistant coach Darrell Bevell.

That report followed the Bears filing a tampering charge against the Vikings, claiming that their NFC North rivals had improper conversations with Grossman about playing for them (purportedly offering a playbook of nothing but handoffs).

With players scheduled to report to camp on July 27th, Grossman said "It's tempting just to, as everyone said, you know, call their bluff or whatever. I think it's going to be a circus in itself already, whether I go there, whatever."

Tensions are high and this explosive situation shows no signs of slowing down. Stay tuned for more updates.

Ozzie tirades

This is a great link of top Ozzie feuds from ESPN: http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/story?columnist=crasnick_jerry&id=3501534&lpos=spotlight&lid=tab4pos1

Best quote in the article, Ozzie ripping into Rich Hill: "Tell that Triple-A [bleep] to shut the [bleep] up," Guillen says. "Tell him to start throwing some strikes or he's going to get Dusty [Baker] fired."

Genius.

Of course, nothing really beats the time he called Jay Mariotti a fag...

I'm super, thanks for asking!

Bottom line: Ozzie is a winner. I don't care if he's passionately inappropriate and everyone hates him. You win games, you earn respect. Everything else is irrelevant.

Most People Just Buy A Hat Or Something

Well, I guess that's ONE way to "reverse the curse"...

...fucking lunatic (and likely drunk) Cubs fan. I hope you catch every disease that trough has - including the old-school ones Ty Cobb left in there.

Urlacher is a master (bator! bator!) negotiator

You don't deserve to be the face of a franchise

The Bears best defensive player of all-time just re-upped today, signing a multi-bazillion dollar contract for the rest of his conscious existence (through 2012).

On the one hand, this is awesome. Urlacher is the shit, plays hurt, dominates every year and is clearly the face of the franchise. Until recently, he also wasn't a whiny bitch but I'm pretty sure that phase is over (you'd be whiny too if Lance "AA" LamBriggsini was making more cash than you).

On the other hand (when it's not engaged in other behaviour), Urlacher is coming off NECK SURGERY this offseason and COULDN'T FUCKING WALK a few months ago. He's also just past his prime and will be a depreciating asset for the rest of his contract.

Let's hope he bounces back with a vengance and earns his paycheck for the next few years. I also don't know what I'd do if he ever played for another team... probably kill myself, like all the Packers fans when Favre signs with someone else in a month.

Sidenote: Lance Briggs is a fucking genius. Seriously. He was seen at 3 clubs that night, got completely drunk, drove his half-million dollar car into a pole in the middle of the highway and just ran the hell out of there on foot. So... they can't bust him for being drunk (he didn't even admit to driving the car until the next day and was never breathalized) and he got off with "leaving the scene of an accident and improper lane usage". No jail time, no DUI, no team discipline and no drinking accusation. Take notes Cedric... oh wait, too late dipshit.

Just for fun

You gotta wonder...

For those of you that don't check out our brilliant links on the right side of the page, I'd like to point out that our good friends at Sox Machine have created endless fun with the Jim Thome Sign Generator and the Orlando Cabrera Sign Generator. If you haven't made your own soap opera yet, I highly recommend it.


I need to get out more...

Bold Predictions

"Hey - it worked for Drew Bledsoe!"

I'm just going to come right out and say it - this year is the year of the Grossman.*

There's no joke, no punchline, no nothing. Almost all the offseason pieces are in place for the Bears, and if there's one thing that has become clear to me, it's that Sexy Rexy is due for an absolutely huge year.

How huge?

28 TD's, 20 INT, and 3500+ passing yards in 08. Book(er) it.

Why the sudden vote of confidence? After all, this IS Rex Grossman. The guy could hurt himself taking a shit ("Double-ply toilet paper?! NOOOOOO!!!") and has shown anything but consistency. He's the Anti-Crede when it comes to clutch, refuses to take the short pass, and often winds up headfirst into the turf.

So here's why I'm voting Rex in '08:

#1. Different recieving crew. This isn't the "I'm Mushin Muhammad now throw me the fucking ball" show. Marty Booker and Brandon Lloyd bring two crucial elements into the mix for the Bears. Booker brings offensive experience - he may not be as fast as the guy who caught over 100 balls in 2001, but he knows the system, and he still has good hands (something Moose left in Carolina). Lloyd brings a serious speed threat, and although he's no Bernard Berrian, he has the ability to get open and he can stretch the field to give Booker a little more room to breathe. Without Berrian as his security blanket, there's a good chance Grossman tries to use more of the offense. Of course, this would mean nothing if not for...

#2. Kevin Jones. I am SO excited about Kevin Jones**. Name the last Bears RB who caught more than 36 passes. Stumped? Thomas Jones in 2003. 2003!!! That's five years removed from any sort of a pass-catching back. Kevin Jones' reception total in 2006: 61 receptions and 500+ yards. That's a short game for Rex if I ever saw one. Instead of doing the panicked dumpoff to someone who clearly doesn't know what to do with the ball, and may not be able to catch at all (see: Benson, Cedric), KJ can catch the ball pretty much anywhere. Well, that is, if he stays rested up...

#3. ...because Matt Forte will be the lightning to his thunder. A two-back system worked wonders for the Bears in '06 (it made Benson look good!), and any offensive scheme that allows the Bears to bring in a fresh set of legs in the 3rd quarter is OK in my book. This keeps defenses honest, and afraid of the run at all times (something no one feared from the Bears any time in the recent past). For reference, see Dallas this year (Marion Barber will still be Marion Barber, but don't expect the 4th Quarter annihilation he brought on by chilling behind Julius Jones happening this year). But the best part about the running game is...

#4. The offensive line sucks a little bit less. A little less suck goes a long way, you know. Chris Williams is definately a step in the right direction, and Chester Adams (G) or Kirk Barton (OT) could definately help fill gaps in an offensive line that needs a push in the right direction. Speaking of pushing...

#5. How about Greg Olsen? Did everyone forget about the sure-handed TE who spent a good chunk of his offseason honing his blocking skills? That gives another blocker on the line, another sure set of hands, and someone to open up yet ANOTHER lane for Desmond Clark, Rex's favorite target, to make another impact.

So, in short - Grossman will have an entire field filled with viable targets who can CATCH. He'll have defenses watching the run, he'll have more time behind the line, and he'll be playing for a new contract.

Bring on the Hamburgers.


*This article becomes null and void in the event that Grossman gets hurt at any point this season, is traded, cut, or loses the starting job to Orton or another QB. In the event that Kyle Orton becomes the starting quartback, please apply the word "Neckbeard" throughout this article liberally.

** This assumes that Kevin Jones isn't crippled, isn't slow, and isn't nagged by injury. Just saying.

Keeping up with the Joneses

BREAKING NEWS: Bears sign Kevin Jones to a 1-year deal

This is fucking brilliant. Just a few years ago, one could argue that Kevin was a better Jones than Thomas and the kid had infinite potential. Hell, i've seen KJ destroy the Bears a few times over the last couple of seasons and I love his mix of speed and power. Sure, he gets hurt a lot but sharing the load with Forte and a fresh start in Chicago might be just what the doctor ordered.

Disclaimer: I've had a hard-on for this guy since 2005. I draft him in fantasy ever year (or I trade my best players for him) and I've been begging the Bears to sign him the second we let TJ go last year.

That leaves one more Jones we need to go after:

I loooooove photoshop.

Good news!

Thanks to surgery on an infected bursa sac, Peyton Manning may miss the season opener against our beloved Chicago Bears. Wikipedia sidenote: Bursa is Latin for purse, which is what a bursa resembles, and an interesting fact that a cleverer man could somehow tie to Peyton's masculinity.

This is quite fortuitous, as Jim Sorgi is one of the few bipedal hominids that actually has a lower QB rating than ever-sexy-Rexy.

Go Bears.

-Keggs

Memo to Brett: Fuck Off

If you give him money, he'll just come back for more.

Look, Brett, nothing personal, but stay the fuck away from the Bears. We remember the "good old days," the "I'm going to bend the Bears over and anally sodomize them" days, and that was all well and good while it lasted. You routinely violated us, got a superbowl title out of the deal, and generally made us hate football season two weeks a year.

Even with your text-messaging prowess and ability to make Aaron Rodgers contemplate suicide every July, you're just not the same QB anymore. The Packers have moved on (obviously), and now you're like that old grandpa who talks about the "good ole days" back when the Packers used to win superbowls and a nickel could get you a sandwich and a ride on the trolley. Much like grandpa, everyone is waiting for you to die so you'll just go away. They're not going to give you your release, because they spent all that money on putting you into the old folks home. They're not going to start you because your bones makes noises akin to Rice Krispies at each snap.

And then there's this business about Favre going to the Vikings or Bears.

First of all, no, we don't want you. Go away. Do we need a quarterback? Sure. Is it going to be you? Not a chance in hell. You'd get booed worse than when Ron Santo played for the White Sox (It really happened), and you'd probably find a way to sabotage our team worse than our current QB situation. More importantly, we already have Favre Jr. in Grossman - why should we pay more to add to your HoF INT totals when we can start building his?

"Rex do good"?

This is your big chance Brett - don't go to the Panthers or Vikings, and stay away from Chicago. Just retire! You could be on everyone's good side in Green Bay, get something named after you (Somehow the "Brett Favre Boat Rides" sounds much better than "Wendella Boat Rides"), and occasionally provide meaningless sports commentary like Cris Carter does for ESPN. Why are you making this so difficult!? I was hoping that you would stay a Packer forever...kinda like what Jeremy Bentham did for UCL.

Put me in coach - I'm ready to play!

So please, Brett, go away. We don't like you, we don't want you, and there's a seat with your name on it at a bingo table somewhere.

Only at Wrigley

Correction: ALL-STAR reliever Carlos Marmol. I think I'm going to be sick.

Stealing Third Is Apparently Distracting

Fuck you, Jermaine Dye. Seriously.

Sorry you didn't make the All-Star roster. Don't take it out on the guy that stole two bases to try and make your at-bat useful.

The Cornhole Classic

We all know that there's a LOT going on sports-wise in Chicago, and on a blog devoted to local sports, some things can get lost in the shuffle.  (Especially when you're wasting space on that cocktaster Brett Favre, who at this moment is neither a pro athlete or in Chicago. Fuck him).  I'd like to take a moment to talk about an important annual event here in town: 

The 2nd Annual Soldier Field Cornhole Classic.

You read that right.  Not to be confused with the usual cornholing going on at Soldier Field, the Cornhole Classic is actually an amateur tournament sponsored by the Illinois Cornhole Organization, a group "dedicated to providing the ever-growing sport of cornhole accessible to all in the state of Illinois." (This shit just keeps getting better, don't it?)  

"He was 'anally sodomized' -- bullshit.  CORNHOLED!!!"

Don't get too excited though -- after reading some of their web page, I'm pretty sure that "cornhole" is just another word for "beanbag toss."  Maybe it's a variation on the beanbag toss?  Maybe after you toss the beanbag, someone runs up behind you and sodomizes you?  Or does that only happen when you win? I don't know.  But if any of you are interested in "the sport of cornhole," this thing is apparently going on July 12 at Soldier Field.  Have fun, and remember -- practice safe sex. 

Sox vs Royals

In light of the current Sox-Royals series, I thought this was appropriate:

http://www.q101.com/airstaff/SHERMAN_PHONETAP_PLAYER.aspx (click on "Royals Fan")

We also know the Royals fan who got busted on this, so it's even more funny. He's a close friend of my buddy Tank.

Also, if anyone stayed up to watch the Sox game last night, it was most awesome. Thome is starting to heat up and Ramirez is proving to be even better than advertised. We don't need any farm-fire trades to make the playoffs (or at least that's what I keep telling myself).

Free feel-good Cubs picture of the day:

Seconds earlier, she was overheard discussing the merits of having a leadoff hitter with high OPS versus OBP and whether Carlos Marmol would be able to close if Wood got hurt down the stretch. Typical intense scrutiny from a self-proclaimed "seriously dedicated Cubs fan".

-Keggs

Suicide Watch in Effect

I know something that you don't...

This is strange. The Cubs just acquired Rich Harden, one of the top ten AL pitchers, and Chad Gaudin, a potential strikeout monster, in exchange for their usual "here's some wasted potential and a vat of Hendry's urine."

And I'm not upset - even though Brad thinks this is, of course, the year.

If history is any indication, the Cubs have the ability to make the most RIDICULOUS trades, only to have them blow up in their faces. I remember when they traded perennial bench-warmer Todd Hundley for Karros and Grudzielanek, and when they got Garciaparra and Matt Murton for a bag of baseballs and some A Ball prospects. Not a single one of these trades led to a victory, no matter how ridiculous.

To make matters worse, in this trade, the Cubs got TWO good players instead of their usual just "one and done." Harden has been nigh-filthy this year, and although Gaudin has struggled with his K/BB ratio, he's also infiniately better than shit stains Jason Marquis, Sean Marshall and Sean Gallagher. In exchange, the Cubs trade Matt Murton (who is actually pretty good, but he doesn't hit for power), Eric Patterson (Corey's less talented brother, if that's any indication), Sean Gallagher (a nobody who has pitched tolerably for the Cubs thus far), and Josh Donaldson (a catcher I had not heard of until just now).

And yet, I'm still not worried.

In addition to the Cubs' glorious history of failure, there's another factor in play here - Billy Beane doesn't like to get ripped off. If Beane is pulling the trigger on this deal (and it looked like a bit of a desperation move, what with it coming a few hours after Sabathia went to Milwaukee), he probably has a good reason.

Combs are for pusses.

Let's take a quick trip in the time machine, shall we?

Billy Koch: Sox trade Keith Foulke (who rebounded) for this guy with a noodle arm, no velocity, and the strangest skin condition ever.
Barry Zito: Not really a trade, but the A's let him go without a fight...because he's washed up and fucking awful this year. Go Giants!
Mark Mulder: Cards traded Dan Haren (we know how THAT turned out) along with Kiko Calero (eh) and Daric Barton. Mulder pitched tolerably well for St. Louis for a year, but has been awful ever since and setback by injury in almost every year since 2005.
Tim Hudson: Traded to save money, and for a bunch of nobody-prospects (except maybe Cruz). This is the one that got away. Hudson went on to pitch well for the Braves, and is still getting it done.
Dan Haren: The jury is still out on this one. Haren is pitching well for the D'backs (without an injury setback), and the prospects that the A's got are just starting to scratch the surface of the majors (watch out for Dana Eveland and Carlos Gonzalez)

Of these "highly touted" players, only one trade has conclusively worked out for the recipient of an A's pitcher. If Beane is willing to part with two guys, there must be something up his sleeve. My guess? Harden has something bad coming down the pipe around August (think Zito-esque performance with the occasional full-blown injury), and Gaudin will continue his disturbing trend of walking too many guys - which will likely be amplified by the pressure of Wrigley's fans.

As for me, I'll be getting my Matt Murton HoF jersey any minute now...

That's Harden. Dick Harden.

Yes, he has a black penis that looks like a Thanksgiving day turkey. Don't ask me why.

I'm not going to lie, that's exactly what mine did after I found out about the newest Cub, Richard Harden. The puns with Hard On are too easy to come by. (That's what she said?)

The Cubs were a better team than the Brew Crew even after they landed their second 300 pound major leaguer yesterday (although to be fair to Prince Fielder, he's constipated) - but this just solidifies it.

Sure, he may be the second coming of Mark Prior - but as long as it's Mark Prior 2003 - who gives a rat's cornhole? The cubs lost nothing in this deal other than Sean Gallagher, who wasn't going to start for them this year or next anyway. I hope he does well in Oakland. Murton is a horrible defender and subpar with the bat, which is a bad recipe for a corner outfielder. Eric Patterson is...well, Corey Patterson's brother - so yeah, he can go fuck himself. The best part is, he's not a rental like Sabathia - Harden will join the Cubs for at least another year.

There aren't too many teams that want to face the Cubs right now, let alone when Soriano returns. We'll see if they can sustain this momentum, but they will be really tough to beat in a playoff series with the arms on their bench now.

GODDAMN IT SHUT UP BRETT

Like my regularly scheduled post-lunch dump, this Favre offseason drama is both expected and a disaster.

I don't care much about Brett Favre and the Packers but I can't stand the terrorist situation (it's no longer a hostage scenario) going on with our northern neighbors.

Here is a condensed version of the 75 hour ESPN special, 35 articles, 400 news reports and mysteriously intercepted text messages: Brett wants to play football because he has nothing else to do. The Packers don't want him back because they have a lot invested in Aaron Rogers and can't keep planning 1 year at a time, dependant on what scent of deodorant Brett wears. The fans are split from what I can tell, since Brett can still play, is a living legend and took them to the playoffs last year.

I have 2 very relevant thoughts on this:

1) I just sent Lovie Smith a text message "Loviecakes- its me, Keggs. We gotta get Brett in the Blue and Orange. P.S. Cedric wants his cast-iron cleats back."

2) There is no way Brett plays for another team. I just don't see it happening (and certainly not with the Green Bay antichrist, Chicago Bears). So have Mike McCarthy or Ted Thompson grow a pair of testicles and make an announcement that Rogers is starting the 08 season and Brett is only welcome to return as a backup. Unless the Packers make a statement like this (or anything definitive) they will be at Brett's mercy indefinitely. The latter also bears a striking resemblance to my fecal episodes.


Brett in his prime:

Let the Rose-Beasley debate begin...

Hulk smash!

The NBA Summer league (a bastion of false hope and meaningless stat inflation) started this week, highlighted by the Heat pounding the Bulls 94-70 behind Beasley's 28 points in 24 minutes.

I am a staunch supporter of DRose and I believe the Bulls made the right decision to go with a talented leader at PG over another immature PF (we have plenty of those, although this guy can definitely score in the low post). No knock on Beasley- he's going to be great- but given all the information headed into the draft, the Bulls made the right pick and have enough talent to trade for a good scoring PF (much easier than trying to trade for an outstanding PG).

It's way too early to start second guessing our pick. "Oh wow, Beasley scored a lot of points on Joakim Noah and Tyrus Thomas in a completely meaningless game!" Forgive me for not slitting my wrists just yet. If anyone needs reassurance about the stupidity of this argument, take a look at the top 3 scorers from last years summer league: Marcus Banks (42ppg), Louis Williams (25.2ppg) and Von Wafer (24.2ppg). Not only are those a lot of points for 3 guys I've never heard of, but none of these guys went on to average more than half those numbers during the 08 season.

Here, just watch this soothing video and stop freaking out:

-Keggs

Snubbage

This All-Star game is total bullshit. The entire AL team is comprised of overrated Yankee/Red Sox players (6 of 9 starters batting, both closers and 2 reserves). It's insane! I'm not going to dissect each pick but there are a few that really piss me off:

Joe Mauer, C, MIN and Jason Varitek, C, BOS

Take nothing away from Mauer, he's a really good player with consistently good numbers. I just feel compelled to note that he has the lowest number of at-bats for any healthy starting catcher in the entire league. The guy sits once or twice a week, every week. Regardless, I have no issue with him starting... what I DO have an issue with, is fucking shitty overrated crapface Jason Varitek keeping our boy AJP out of the game. AJ is an every day catcher on a first place team hitting .296, with 33RBI, 39R's and 7HR's. Look at Varitek's joke of a season: .218, 27RBI, 18R's and 7 HR's. Unbelievable. He even got benched last night against the Yankees (one of their biggest series, I'm sure you've seen the highlights taking up 90% of ESPN this past week). Fucking miserable.


Derek Jeter, SS, NYY

Jeter is batting .281 with 37 RBI, 5 Steals and 4 HR's with no other stats worth mentioning. Obviously Michael Young should be starting (.292, 46RBI, 7HR).


JD Drew, OF, BOS and Manny Ramirez, OF, BOS

Drew is having a great season (.299, 61R's 16HR's 51 RBI) but so is Jermaine Dye (.308, 51R's, 19 HR's 52RBI). Both are having a better season than All-Star incumbant Manny Ramirez and Dye is the best hitter on the 1st place team in the AL central and 4th best team in the entire league.


Don't even get me started on the pitching... -cough- Gavin Floyd -cough- John Danks -cough- since I'd totally spend the rest of the day ripping into the crappy staff on the AL side.

So, let's stop whining about it and vote JDye into the All-Star game.

UPDATE: Looks like ESPN agrees in their poll:

1) Who was the biggest snub among AL hitters?
91.9% Jermaine Dye, White Sox
3.6% Aubrey Huff, Orioles
2.8% Nick Markakis, Orioles
1.2% Johnny Damon, Yankees
0.6% Hideki Matsui, Yankees

This article also echoes some of my sentiment.

-Keggs

Crede Added to All-Star Roster - Pitching Staff Snubbed

From Sox Machine. "[Crede] was a bad choice!"

Holy Shit We're Famous

Nah, not really. But still, any award is a good award:

http://www.flatusyahu.com/2008/05/06/top-ten-sports-blog-logos/

Kicking It Old School

Let's face it - Chicago gets its fair share of sports anomalies. We're known for players who are crazy good (see: Michael Jordan), and just plain crazy (see: Dennis Rodman). With Benson's most recent arrest, it's time to show some love for one of our less publicized skills: law-breaking. Without further ado, I present the all-time Chicago criminals...MLS lineup.

What, you can't have criminals play soccer? Screw you, I can do what I want.

Striker: Wil Cordero

Go Go Gadget Knees!

Wil Cordero is criminal soccer's version of "The Natural," and is definately an all-star at his position. Just listen to this:

"Red Sox outfielder Wilfredo Cordero, facing charges of assaulting his current wife, also allegedly beat his former wife when she was pregnant, according to a court document obtained by the Boston Globe."

This guy beat the shit out of his current wife, and he struck the pregnant ex-wife. Not only that, but he was resourceful enough to do it with a telephone! If that doesn't qualify him to be a "striker," I don't know what does. In terms of actual sports ability, Cordero was a Silver Slugger in 1997, and even though the ligaments in his arms are shot, I'll bet his legs still work.

Striker: Albert BelleWhat me worry?

I put Albert here based on potential. When it comes to being a striker, Belle has an incredibly high ceiling. Just look at the trouble he went through for stalking his girlfriend:

"[Belle]...was been arrested and charged in February, then arrested again May 17 at his Scottsdale home after he again contacted the victim. He has been jailed since the second arrest and received credit for time served only since he entered his plea. Belle's former girlfriend told police in January that she discovered a Global Positioning System tracking device that had fallen off her car. She also said Belle had threatened her."

That's just in stalking her! Can you imagine the potential if he actually got close? This guy could be perennial all-star!

Midfielder/Forward: Cedric BensonThis image can do no wrong.

Cedric could have been a forward, but something about needing to be able to run 10 consecutive steps forces me to downgrade him to midfielder. When he has an open field in front of him, he likes to fall down - in soccer, this is good! They call it "slide tackling." You need him to fall down to block midfield passing. As a midfielder, his job is to connect the forwards and defenders, as well as disrupt the same interaction for the opposing team. Not only that, but you know Cedric has some fight in him as well, racking up multiple violations in the same year. This is a guy you want to keep things rowdy in the midfield, pepper spray be damned.

Midfielder/Forward: Michael JordanContrary to popular belief, I am only 99% perfect.

Jordan could probably play midfielder (athletically speaking) even without me making things up. However, when you see how Jordan handled his gambling - bridging that gap between gambler and player flawlessly - you see how he could bring your MLS team to a whole new level with quick, accurate passes and a deep pockets for the occasional lawsuit.

Midfielder/Forward: Joakim Noah"KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!"

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: the midfielder is responsible for bridging the gap between the offense and defense. Noah is already a pro, having already bridged his fantasy drug-induced world with our own. If he can concentrate on the game long enough to remember which team he's on, he could be a valuable asset to the team...provided Ben Wallace allows him to play.

Midfielder/Forward: Tuomo Ruutu

But...I didn't do anything!

Ruutu is an interesting case. He qualifies for the list because he was arrested, but he was arrested because he looked like a criminal, not because he was one. Frankly, I'm torn about putting him on this list, but I think he has the actual experience needed to be a midfielder, and if we're even going to pretend to be competitve, ONE of these choices has to make a little bit of sense.

Defenders: Lance Briggs, Alonzo Spellman, Brian Urlacher, Tank Johnson

How can you argue with these selections? You've got your explosive/lunatic speedsters in Spellman and Briggs, and you get your hard-hitters in Urlacher and Johnson. Briggs is obviously the sweeper in this group - his experience with roaming the secondary on the Bears pays off here. Johnson provides the muscle for this group, and keeps the opposing team on their toes...by shooting at them. Urlacher can read incomind attacks - and respond with threatening text messages while Spellman can just try and blow up the whole fucking stadium to match any one of his exploits.

Basically, this is the defensive unit you do NOT fuck with. Just like the real Bears, their strength is in their D.

Goalie: Roland Harper

Roland? Call me Lando

Here's a guy you want in front of the net with the game on the line. Harper was always a good blocker with great hands, so you already knew he could handle a flimsy little ball. Then we learned that he had sticky fingers, too, and now he becomes the automatic choice for goalie. Best of all, if any one of these other players goes down with an injury (cough JAIL SENTANCE cough), Harper could fill in for any one of them, and get'er done.

Coach: William Ligue

Hugs and kisses!

This guy knows what the game needs, and how to play your cards. Enough said.

Oh, and lest we forget about this guy - UTILITY PLAYER.

Surprise! Bears are going to suck.

Excessive force! Excessive Force!

For anyone who is already itching for fantasy football season, Yahoo came out with their "Juggernaut Index" this morning, ranking teams on their fantasy value (so, essentially only their skill position players, QB, WR, TE, RB). Keep in mind this ought to have no direct correlation to the Bears W/L record.

Not surprisingly, the Bears rank DEAD FUCKING LAST at 32. I get the WR part (I mean seriously guys, Marty Booker and Brandon Lloyd?!?) and I certainly understand the skepticism at QB. Some folks are bullish on rookie Matt Forte (as am I) but if he's in your fantasy starting lineup, you are probably fucked. [Note: I am a total sucker for preseason hype. It gets me every year. I was the conductor on the Benson bandwagon disaster and I have been known to endorse other sub-par preformers including Kevin Jones, Vernon Davis, DeAngelo Williams, and Fred Taylor (but only while he was injured). Hell, I even liked Rashaan Salaam when we drafted him.]

A few personal thoughts on our offense:

1) If Mark Bradley turns out to be half as talented as everyone thinks he is, he should pull in 50 catches and 3-5 TD's as a WR3.

2) Matt Forte adds a pair of soft hands to the backfield that we haven't seen since TJ left. Don't underestimate Ron Turners affinity for screen passes and short routes underneath. He loves that shit. With Chris Williams bolstering our line and Greg Olson keeping MLB's/OLB's honest, he might have a chance at 60-70 REC's too (remember, Peterson had ~50 last year in shared time).

3) Rex will have a "good" year. This totally makes sense- he always does JUST enough to keep the Bears from getting rid of him. He's done this every year he's been in the league. In order to keep his job after the 1 year contract he signed, he'll need to throw 20TD's with less than 15INT's... he will probably do just that (and nothing more).

I don't disagree with putting the Bears at the bottom of the league in terms of fantasy impact. Our skill players suck. Perhaps if there are enough internet articles to persuade delusional Ron Turner to get some help at these positions (sign Koren Robinson?), we might not completely dismiss the Bears on draft day.

-Keggs

SEX AND THE CITY: FIRST BLOOD...PART TWO

Before I get started here, I feel like I should explain the back story to all this.  A while back, in my infinite wisdom, I took my girlfriend to see the last "Rambo" movie in the theater.  Much to my surprise, she did not enjoy seeing random Burmese people being filled with bullet holes the size of those small Coke cans they give you on the airplane.  As we left the theater, the little lady was not in a good mood, to say the least. As tears streamed down her delicate face, she looked up at me with those sad eyes and said:  "You son of a bitch.  Just for that, you have to go see the 'Sex and the City' movie with me."

So before you go thinking I'm some kind of homo, THAT's why I was there.

Anyways...this movie is pretty much the ultimate chick flick.  It's like pornography for women.  Just like a porno flick might have a variety of scenes tailored to a wide range of male interests (yay Bukakke!), this movie contains just about everything women could possibly want to see. Is there a tiny puppy? Check. Newborn baby? Check.  Insanely expensive wedding scene?  Yup. A shitload of shoes and purses? You bet your sweet ass. Speaking of which, there is one scene where the camera lingers on a man's bare ass for a good 20 seconds. (Keggers will probably go rent it just for that).

The film did make a few concessions to the guys in the audience though.  Like, uh...I think they showed some titties once or twice. Oh, and there's one part where someone shits in their pants.  While that's all fine and good, I don't think it quite explains that old dude in the trench coat that was in the back of the theater alone. Maybe he likes shoes and purses too.

I should add that this movie is one of the dumbest pieces of shit I've ever seen.  There wasn't really any kind of plot, just various excuses to show the chick-friendly scenes I mentioned above.  I felt like I lost a good 20 IQ points just sitting through this thing.  As my lady friend put it, "It was like watching TV, on a really big screen, for a really long time."  Shit, even a lesser Stallone masterpiece like "Cobra" is cinematic genius next to this film.   It's also interesting to note that Sarah Jessica Parker is starting to look like one of the guitar players from Exodus.  Drugs are bad, people!!!

So what the whole thing boils down to is: Dudes like watching people get shot and stabbed, and women enjoy seeing other women go shopping and get married.  Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.  Hope that clears things up for you.  And be grateful Hillary's not going to be in charge around here.