What The...

I HAVE A SCEPTER NOW! KNEEL BEFORE YOUR KING!

I don't quite know how it happened, but the Bears beat the superior and less mistake-prone Eagles. Not only did we win with some surprisingly clutch defensive plays, but our drunken savior threw for three touchdowns. Three! That's, like, half as good as Brett Favre! If that doesn't deserve some additional bling for Ortonia, I don't know what does.

Granted, the touchdowns that were caught were all receiver efforts to catch up to shitty passes (especially the diving play by Olsen to catch up to a total turd). Orton spread the ball around as usual, ensuring that no Bears receiver closes in on fantasy relevance. Likewise, having a receiver as fast as Hester allows Orton to overthrow passes without fear. This may finally be a consistent way for him to stretch the field.

Oh, and I think Brandon Lloyd got hurt, but I didn't really get a chance to get the scoop on it what with Charles Tillman getting hurt every 5 seconds. Is it just me, or does he wind up being "helped off the field" at least once every game?

Closure

Search for "Benson" on google and this is the first image result. It's also a great excuse to post a picture of an attractive female over an overweight alcoholic former NFL player.

Apparently the two seperate grand jury trials refused to indict CedB on his BWI or his DWI.

"I appeared before two grand juries yesterday and finally got the chance to tell my side of the story," the former University of Texas player said in a statement Friday. "I am grateful that the grand jurors agreed that I did not commit any crimes."

Wait, so, 2 grand juries in TEXAS decided not to indict a former local football hero, despite his obvious history (arrested as a student at U Texas in 2003 on a misdemeanor criminal trespassing charge and arrested in 2002 on misdemeanor drug and alcohol charges).

Shocking.

In response to whether his status as a well known sports figure in Austin, TX played a factor in the ruling, Travis County Attorney David Escamilla unequivocally denied it stating very clearly and forcefully:

"Sometimes it's to his benefit and sometimes it's not," Escamilla said. "We call them as we see them."

Wait, what the fuck does that even mean? Total fucking joke. I mean, I like Cedric, I think he's a hell of an athelete but let's call a spade a spade- the guy is a fucking idiot and avoided serious prison time because he was tried in his hometown and played for Texas. I wonder if he played for the Texans, if he would have even gotten arrested at all.

I'm not a big fan of atheletes getting special privleges (they get enough as it is with the million dollar contracts and crazy bonuses), even when their ex-Bears. I read this story a long time ago about Jerramy Stevens and it's honestly disturbing. A little long but worth the read and some real insight into the privledged lives of pampered superstars.

I also picked Stevens up on my fantasy team this week. I'm hoping that he's stored up all his rape energy and uses it to score a touchdown for me. I also wouldn't mind too much if he got hit by a truck on his way to the game (as long as there is enough time for me to pick up another TE before gametime, obviously).

-KEG

Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit

I cannot fucking believe this. Ozzie knows our bullpen sucks, so what does he do? He tries to compensate by using our only two functional bullpen members for 5 innings. It is common knowledge that Thornton cannot work more than one inning (sent out to pitch two innings), and Jenks more than two (sent out for three innings) - especially when these guys have been overworked as of late to compensate for our shitty bullpen. Why Ozzie left Jenks in for three innings is beyond me.

Result? Loss in extra innings, Twins sweep. Kill me now.

Are we fucked? Probably.

The Twins officially lead by .5 games now, and finish up the season at home against the hapless Royals. You can expect that the Twinkies will take two out of three, minimum. The Sox play the Indians at home, and the Indians LOVE to play spoiler and make our lives miserable.

Assuming that the Sox manage to stay within a half game of the Twins at season's end (either .5 games up or down), the Sox will play a makeup game against the Tigers. If the Sox are more than .5 games ahead or behind the Twins at season's end, the Tigers game doesn't mean shit and the Twins take the division.

Assuming that the Sox play the makeup game with the Tigers (removing a half-game differential) and move into a tie with the Twins, there is a one-game playoff between the Sox and Twins for the playoff berth.

Sadly, with our current game plan, I don't think we'll be getting to that point.

Must Win

At least someone is still hitting...

The White Sox are in a must-win situation tonight after losing 2 in a row to the Twins, falling to just 1/2 game up in the AL Central.

After tonight, we've got to play feisty Cleveland while Minnesota closes out against the perennial last place Royals.

There's really not much to say here. Ozzie tried to get the team fired up by calling out Vasquez in the media (who not surprisingly crapped his pants) and nobody else seems to be playing with a sense of urgency. Orlando Cabrera is a bitch, our pitching staff is horribly overrated and we're relying on a bunch of young guys with no experience.

Our whole season rides on tonight's game.

Let's hope Big Game Gavin Floyd can pull out another W over a good team to keep us in the hunt.

Pitching Before Mommy

Not even my bountiful breasts can save us now

After last night's pitching shitfest (along with the previous 1.5 months of said shitfest), I have to wonder how things got this way. Wasn't it just June when Sox relievers had the best ERA in baseball? What the hell happened!?

Aside from Bobby Jenks and Matt Thornton (who is on pace to pitch 18283 innings this year), we don't seem to have anyone who can get us from "low stamina starter" to "monstrously fat guy with pink goatee." Here's a few candidates from this year, ranked by usefulness:

Scott Linebrink: Unbelievably good until he went down with an injury. Since returning, he just hasn't been the same pitcher (and Guillen has been careful not to use him too often). Here's hoping some offseason stamina training and the like can get him back on track for 09.

Octavio Dotel: The anti-clutch was working a Luis Viscaino role until it became apparent that EVERY BALL PUT IN PLAY would be leaving the park. I haven't seen Ozzie put in Dotel in a while (probably because he's so UN-clutch), but maybe Coop can get him to take a bit off his pitches to get better location. Maybe.

DJ Carrasco: Played over his head for a month or so, but seems to be coming back to earth. Has essentially filled Dotel's role as a 7th inning guy, but is ultimately not as good as he's been pitching. I expect a Cotts/Politte-esque dropoff (it's already begun).

Mark MacDougal: Seriously, are we already on MacDougal? Is it that bad? Mad Mike has actually pitched well since being called up, and may be returning to the form that made him useful in KC...all those years ago. Still, if you have to rely on MacDougal, there's a serious problem here.

Horacio Ramirez: His ERA was insanely low in KC in relation to his balls-in-play, and something had to give. His season ERA still looks good in the mid 3.00's, but when you take into account how much of that is from KC (and how much lower his ERA was there), you start to get an idea. He DID have a scoreless inning in garbage time last night though. Wowee.

Boone Logan: How can milking one good Spring Training performance get you a career? Just ask Boone. When the bullpen was hot at the beginning of the year, so was Boone. Since then, Logan has gotten into a nice groove of 1 HR per 1 inning pitched. Not joking. For every three outs, there's a long ball (sometimes two). If there's a candidate to go hang out with Dewon Day in the minors, I think it's Booner.

If our starters can go deeper into the games, it might be more manageable. Let Gavin Floyd pitch into the 7th, and let's have another try at those Twins, shall we?

Pity Party

Hello? Huge season series against Minnesota that likely makes or breaks the season? Anyone paying attention?

Man I hate Chicago sometimes.

Ugh - Bearing Down Indeed

"BERNARD GO BYE BYE IN SKY NOW!"

Well, if Sunday's suckfest taught us anything, it's that this offense wouldn't be any better with Bernard Berrian right now. Not only is Berrian nursing some aches and pains, but I don't think even Devin Hester could catch up to Orton's overthrown passes. Berrian, we miss your time spent in the Grossman era, but having you here does nothing.

Also, Brandon Lloyd made some Orton turds look, well, catchable. I especially like the badly underthrown one (which one was that?) he caught behind his helmet for a big gain. If you were listening to the game on radio (or on TV for you blind readers out there that get the Dong in your daily Braille Mail), all you heard was "look at the great adjustment Lloyd made on that pass by Orton." In English, that means that Lloyd had to change directions in mid-air and backtrack for an underthrown wobbler.

Still, how about that second half line, eh? Aaron Rodgers can suck it!

Suckers!!!

Well well well....what do we have here? Why, it's a DVD of "Shockwave," season 1!!! This must be from that contest on Luol's Dong that nobody entered.  Well, it's either this or watch "Metalocalypse" for the 10,000th time. Let's open this up and see what it is.

Holy crap! This show's pretty cool! Every episode has a lot of shit exploding and people getting hurt.  I think a guy dies once in a while too.  Plus, most of the victims on this show are ridiculous hillbillies, which makes it all the better to see them get maimed by hurricanes and funny car wrecks.  I'm pretty sure you need a mustache to even be considered for this show. And there's 4 discs of this stuff!!  Too bad nobody who reads the Dong won this!!!

In a nutshell:  your loss = my gain.  Ha!

Hammett Hero

Interesting. Apparently, the Death Magnetic CD sound quality pales in comparison to...wait for it...the Guitar Hero versions of the same tracks. Listen for yourself (if it's not showing up in High Quality, follow the link and then try - easier to discern that way).

I also like this quote from Ted Jensen, the head engineer at Sterling Sound (who mastered the album): "I’m not proud to be associated with this one, and we can only hope that some good will come from this in some form of backlash against volume above all else."

Can you tell the difference?

Our Worst Fears Realized

The only thing making this worse is that the Cubs are playing their worst baseball all season and STILL are a virtual lock to make the playoffs. Damned fate.

Fantasy Follies

PEW PEW!

Taking a break from, uh, "other important fantasy endeavors" (as shown above), it's time to talk some Fantasy Football. This week Keggers and I go head to head in our "this one is important" league, and I'm probably going to lose (fucker). However, for those of you that need to do some team retooling and insist on hometown pride, chew on these numbers:

BEARS RANKED FROM BEST TO WORST IN TERMS OF FANTASY RELEVANCE:

Matt Forte - This was a gimme. He's been good for about 100 yards every week - but I don't know how long he can keep taking these beatings. Keep an eye on Kevin Jones, especially if Forte starts to show signs of fatigue. Functional League Value: RB2

Robbie Gould - He's as good as gold every year, and the Bears are generally inept when it comes to scoring. If they could get into the red zone more often, he would probably be a top fantasy kicker. For now, he's just really good. Functional League Value: K

Brandon Lloyd - Sleeper alert on this guy. Orton DOES have to throw the ball occasionally, and with Olsen's show of grip last week, it looks like Lloyd will be getting even more looks. He'll probably be good for 4 rec for 40 yards in any given week, but don't expect the red-zone looks. Functional League Value: Bye-Week Plug-in, WR3 in very deep leagues.

Desmond Clark/Greg Olsen - These two are essentially the same, insomuch as that they both COULD score in the redzone...if only we could get there. An average expectation of each is about 3 receptions for 30 yards...and a 10% chance of scoring. You could probably do better. Functional League Value: Bye-Week Plug-in

Kyle Orton - As far as I'm concerned, Kyle is going to be the most consistent player on the Bears. He can't throw a log ball accurately, which keeps him to the short, predictable passes he can perform well. Expect 150y, 0 TD and 0 INT for every week. He's not going to do much else, I promise. Functional League Value: If your league requires that you start at least one Bear and 5 QB's.

Luols Dong Arts and Entertainment: Metallica

Nothing says "It's been 5 years since the last Metallica album" quite like another Metallica album. If you're like me, you've spent the time since 2003's horrid St. Anger watching porno, sitting in traffic court, and generally not giving 1/16 of a fuck about anything this band does. But the band's new album Death Magnetic -- produced by bearded genius Rick Rubin and being hyped as a return to "old school Metallica" -- has been the subject of much speculation here at Luol's Dong.

Surprisingly, the hype is mostly warranted. Magnetic comes off as the logical sequel to 1988's And Justice For All, arguably the band's last "great" album. These songs are long as fuck (10 tracks in 74 minuntes?!?!) and musically complex, possibly even more so than the band's Justice-era compositions. Rubin's super-dry production also harkens back to that album. All the excesses of Bob Rock-era Metallica -- lame harmony vocals, keyboards, tambourines, bongos, etc. -- are nowhere to be found here. Instead, there is a focus on twisted thrash riffing and convoluted structures that honestly, nobody thought they still had in them.

James Hetfield is in much-improved form vocally, soundling less like the drunken hick who yodeled his way through "Turn The Page" and slightly more like the guy who sang "Blackened" 20 years ago. The guitar riffs tend to be thrash-based and executed with precision, and I'm assuming we have him to thank for that as well. Guitarist Kirk Hammett rises from the grave after a 10-year-absence, playing the solo from "Whiplash" in every song (hey, it's better than nothing). New-ish bassist Rob Trujillo makes his studio debut on this record, but in true Metallica fashion, you can't hear him for shit. Lars Ulrich actually bothered to tune his drums this time around (thanks buddy!) and manages to not suck too badly throughout the album.

But what about the songs, you ask? For the most part, they combine elements of classic Metallica work (thrash riffs, double bass drumming, complex arrangements) with a couple new elements along the way. Opener "That Was Just Your Life" begins with a soft-to-loud intro in the vein of "Battery" or "Fight Fire with Fire," and then kicks out some rapid-fire riffs that almost make me forgive them for their last 3 albums. The other tracks mostly follow suit, with "All Nightmare Long" and "Broken, Beat & Scarred" being particularly furious.

The album does take a few unfortunate detours into ballad territory -- "Day That Never Comes" is a half-assed rewrite of "One", and "Unforgiven III" proves that there's no good Part III's ever, except for Die Hard: With A Vengeance. However, they redeem themselves with album closer "My Apocalypse," by far the thrashiest (and shortest) track on the album -- I shit you not, this song alone has some of the best riffs of the band's career, and the section in the middle of it makes me want to smash my copy of ReLoad. With my forehead.

Could the production have been better? Yeah. Does some of the material sound contrived? Sure. Does it seem "convenient" that Metallica returns to thrash metal, just as that style is enjoying some retro popularity? You bet your ass. But regardless of all that, this record still blows away any and all expectations anyone could have had. These guys are easily 90 years old and this could be their last album, but if you've got to go, Death Magnetic is not a bad way to go out.

And until Hetfield grows back the mustache, I refuse to call this a comeback.

Dong and Pony Show Contest 4: HDMI Cable

Dong And Pony Show Contest 4!

Hey, look at you with your fancy HDTV and BluRay player. Got yourself a real sweet setup with that 7.1 surround sound for all those great HD NFL games, huh? You think you're better than the rest of us? DO YOU!?

Well, maybe. But even so, continuing Free Shit Month, we have this lovely HDMI cable to give away. It's a 6' cable from Monster - good for all those marathons of the Gilmore Girls or whatever the hell you guys watch. Damned if I know. Hook together your XBOX 360/BluRay Player/HD DVD Player (HA!), sound system, and HDTV in one glorious package that will surely have your neighbors trying to steal your entertainment system while you're out shopping.

Still, 6' is kinda short. Don't really know what you'd do with a really complex setup (totally going to rob you later), but that's not really my problem, is it?

TO WIN: Tell us your favorite diminutive athlete! Short, stout or just plain tiny, I don't care. Make it good.

WINNERS: Have an HDMI cable and a Luol's Dong Grand Prize Raffle Ticket!

RUNNERS UP: Have a Raffle Ticket

All entries can be posted here, or sent to GepettoZHog@gmail.com. Winners will be announced sometime this week, so get crackin'!

Busting Out All Over

HOCHULI SMASH!!!

OK, so maybe it wasn't the best day for Ed Hochuli, but this is ridiculous. For those of you that are unaware, Hochuli made a poor choice that allowed Jay Cutler (who had only moments ago fumbled away the football) a second chance to win the game after calling his fumble an incomplete pass.

We get it, he fucked up. Still, why am I seeing national news coverage of Hochuli being "graded down," or pointing out that he hasn't worked a Broncos game in 7 years because he was unfair to them in 2001, and now he's overcompensating? The guy made an initial bad call by whistling the play dead (not a great view, and it was a pretty unlikely fumble scenario), and then the rules of the NFL prevented him from overturning it. He called it a fumble himself! It's not like he refused to see the play in review - there was just nothing he could do after initially whistling it dead. The call stands, the Broncos get the ball, and have to go back and earn that winning TD (they do - and go for 2!)

More importantly, why is Hochuli getting coverage at all? Off the top of my head, I can think of one ref more deserving of death threats and media exposure:

Phil Luckett

Now HERE'S a guy with a track record! While Hochuli is well known for being Brett Favre's personal statician and bodyguard, Luckett has been in all sorts of trouble:

- 1998 Seahawks bs Jets. Vinny Testaverde pulls a QB sneak on 4th down, and Head Linesman Earnie Frantz ruled that Testaverde scored (even though the ball did not cross the plane). As a result, Luckett receieved bad press for over a week about how he blew the game. It's his fault and he doesn't even make the call!

- 1999 Thanksgiving game between Steelers and Lions. With the game headed into OT, Luckett preps the coin toss. Jerome Bettis calls "Tails." Luckett thinks he says "Heads," and awards the ball to the Lions - who promptly drive downfield and score. Oops.

- 2000 "Music City Miracle" between Bills and Titans. Titans throw a lateral pass that appears to go forwards in a crazy play that results in a game-winning touchdown for the Titans. The Bills believe the pass was a forward pass, nullifying the play (and giving them the win). Luckett steps in to review...and rules it was perfectly parallel, and therefore a legal pass. Bills fans everywhere watch Marshawn Lynch play college ball for the next 5 months.

And these are just the first things that come to mind for Luckett - frankly, I'm too lazy to do any real research here. Besides, we all know that according to Hawk Harrelson, whoever is the ump when they walk a batter is responsible for "the worst umpiring call ever."

Got a better candidate for worst ref? Post below.

Bears cough one up

If I could just... reach... one more... garrrrggghh... hard to concentrate... random guy holding my dick... uncomfortable...


In a severely mind-numbing shitfest, the Bears gave up 17 straight points to the Knockout-less Panthers on Sunday to lose 20-17. Low-lights here.

The Bears defense was great through 3 quarters, blocking a punt to score the 1st TD and picking off Delhomo to set up another TD. We only gave up 216 yards of total offense and played tough all game despite being on the field for 75% of the game.

The Bears offense was typically inept - like plodding through quicksand with metal boots. Orton finished with a generic ~150 yards no TD's, no INT's but couldn't convert a 3rd down to save his life. Forte gave a valiant effort getting close to 100 yards with 9 in the box all day but took a brutal pounding.

We just didn't have enough to overcome the Olsen twin fumbles and some mind-numbing coaching ineptitude, namely the dagger in the coffin, 3rd and 1 (and subsequent 4th and 1) play calls with 2 minutes left in the game.

On 3rd and 1, Orton checks off a run and throws a Shoop-esque WR pass that was guaranteed less than a yard and should have been intercepted. I spoke with the TPC at length about this play and neither of us could have picked a worse play to call in that situation. High risk, low reward, just stupid. There are a million plays to call there (PA deep???) but this was the worst of the worst.

On 4th and 1, we plugged Jason McKie into a non-existent hole to turn the ball over and lose the game. This one, I just don't understand. McKie is big and tough but slow as shit and NOT A RUNNING BACK. If you want to smash the ball, put in Kevin Jones and let him truck it. Our O-line is not good enough to push for that 1 yard, so you need to either create it (Forte) or get to the line and force it (Jones). McKie was tackled before he even got to the line... just too slow and indecisive.

We should have won that game, we should be 2-0 and I feel like I just got out of bed with a leper.

Another few points from my conversation with TPC:

1) If the D keeps getting stuck on the field for the majority of the game, we're going to start to see some injuries (Urlacher, Brown, Tillman, etc)
2) Forte cannot take this abuse and last 16 games (I love him, but he's a rookie and not exactly a monster).
3) Maybe we should put in Grossman whenever we're down by 7+ points after the first half.

That last point was contentious, but possibly very interesting (he knows the offense, adds a scoring threat and will open up the field a bit for Forte).

Crazy talk?

-KEG

Carlos Throws a No-No

Augh! My ribs!

Zambrano No-Hit the Astros at an away game...in Milwaukee. How is that anything but a home game for the Cubs? At least try and put the game somewhere closer to Houston - like Mexico. I've always been annoyed by Carlos' grand theatrics when he gets a big out. I'll allow it for this no-hitter - Carlos has always been "fiery" - but let's look at some other "not so special" moments, shall we?

7/24/07: Throws a strike on a 3-0 count to the leadoff man.

6/04/06 - Strikes out 4-year-old son at a Little League Game

8/01/04 - Finishes complete game as Cubs lose 4-0.

Still, as much as I hate the Cubs and the great Zambino, there's still one other person with post-game theatrics that irk me even more than Zambrano's...

LOOK AT ME! I'M SHITTING ON BOBBY THIGPEN! HRRRAAAAARRRRGHHHH!!! IT BURNS!!!

Dong and Pony Show Contest 3: Winners

Solid entries for Contest 3 - there's another one coming tomorrow, so stay tuned.

RUNNER UP: The TPC with this accurate (if not somewhat insighful) entry:

In light of last weeks great performance by Matt Forte, I have settled on a choice.

The most underappreciated Chicago sports athlete especially in my lifetime is Neal Anderson.

Lets think about it, he is the back up of Walter Payton and then is his successor, easily the most beloved bear of all time. The pressure following Paytons exit was enormous, fill the shoes of the best running back of all time. Neal Anderson did just that. He was selected to four pro bowls rushed for over 1000 yards in three seasons. Not to mention, he didnt bitch or moan and actually carried some pretty bad teams.

Finally, the guy is fucking awesome in Super Tecmo Bowl (the greatest video game ever)and actually makes the Bears a decent team to play with. For that reason he is my choice and I dare anyone to fight me on it.

Ps
You can just send me the ipod converter now as no one can contend with me! (Ed's Note: So close, buddy. So close).

WINNER: Raimster. Again. Further proof that your answers don't need to be good so much as that you have to be out of your fucking mind to win. Somebody stop this guy:

Maybe it's the 74 years since his last carry. Maybe it's his mere 32 touchdowns in the pros. Maybe we get distracted when we hear his moniker and suddenly start to think of that awful X-Men sequel.

Whatever the reason, Red 'Iceman' Grange is the duckbutter of football: we don't notice it until it's pointed out and once it's pointed out, we can't help but revel in its aesthetic beauty. Potent yet not flashy, grotesque in its ability to haunt opponents, and inescapable once the image is born, duckbutter can have a truly lasting effect on an appreciator or rival. Like duckbutter, Red Grange's explosiveness came right from the hips.

This legend of Chicago played both his college and professional ball there. Playing for the Illini in a game against Michigan, he returned a kickoff 95 yards for a score and ran for touchdown runs of 67, 56, and 44 yards....in the first 12 minutes. After sitting out much of the rest of the half, he came back to run 11 yards for a 5th touchdown, then passed for another score, ending the Wolverine's (seriously, I'd rather watch Naked Gun 33 1/3 and Nell back to back then watch X-Men 2 again) 20 game winning streak.

After Grange joined Ming Ding Xiong, attendance went from 7,500 to 36,000. Allegedly, Grange spent his first $500 on a raccoon coat. Later, when Grange tried to buy Da' Bears and was rejected by Halas, Iceman said during a game of thumb war,

Iceman: You're so dead.
Halas: No, you're dead.
[they get closer and Halas leans in for a kiss]
Halas: I don't want to hurt you.

Iceman: I'm not afraid.

Anyway, Grange started his own league - good idea - but it totally folded - bad idea. He rejoined the Bears, where he was converted to defensive back and made a game saving tackle in the NFL's first championship game in 1933 against the Giants.

In his 20-game college career, he ran for 388 times for 2,071, caught 14 passes of 253 yards, and completed 40 passes for 575 yards. 16 of his touchdowns were from 20 yards or more and 9 were from 50 yards or more. He appeared on the cover of Time Magazine in 1925 and was named the greatest college football player ever by ESPN earlier this year. Over his high school, college, and pro career he carried the ball 4,103 times for 33,920 yards, or 8.4 yards a touch. Wow. Ee.

Said Chris "Pumpsh" Berman, "I was interviewing George Halas and I asked him who is the greatest running back you ever saw. And he said, 'That would be Red Grange.' And I asked him if Grange was playing today, how many yards do you think he'd gain. And he said, 'About 750, maybe 800 yards.' And I said, 'Well, 800 yards is just okay.' He sat up in his chair and he said, 'Son, you must remember one thing. Red Grange is 75 years old." - Chris Berman

...you just can't compete with that! Well, maybe you can. I hope you can. Winners, send me your various mailing addresses so I can get raped on shipping oddly shaped boxes.

Reminder: Dong And Pony Show Contest 3

Get this sweet "Liquid FM" transmitter!

Just a reminder - entries for Dong and Pony Show Contest 3 are due by Sunday Night at 11 PM. New contest begins Monday, so if you don't win this time, you can pick it up on a Monday win!

As always, entries can be posted on the appropriate Dong and Pony Show entry, or can be E-Mailed to GepettoZHog@gmail.com

May free shit month live on in my wallet for insane shipping costs!

John St Clair Sucks My Asshole

Jesus, give the guy a pocket protector and call it a day.

I just want to say that St. Clair is supposedly a legend as being one of the best linemen from Virginia's history. I also suspect that there are also only two linemen ever to come from Virginia, and one of them got killed immediately after graduation. How on earth we can afford to start this guy for a whole season, I don't know.

I meant to write about St. Clair's ineptitude after Sunday night's game, but I just never got around to it. He was absolutely atrocious Sunday night, making turnstiles look like they do their jobs more effectively. He was beaten off the line on every play, and generally just looked like he was sorry for getting in the way of the opposition.

The logical assumption, then, is that if Orton had a better lineman in his place, he would have thrown for 300+ and 3 TDs.

Yes, that seems about right...

Ozzie knows his football!

"I have an 11 inch penis."

From Yahoo Sports (here):

Ozzie Guillen's first reaction when he saw Paul Konerko crumble to the ground in the fifth inning of Tuesday night's loss to Toronto?

"I (thought) he was out for good," the White Sox manager said of his first baseman. "I (thought) he was that football player, the guy who kisses all the good-looking girls."

Let's be honest, how many times has Ozzie jerked it to Moynahan and Giselle and happened to catch some pictures of Tom Brady? He (admittedly) doesn't give know anything about the NFL but even the great Ozzman cannot escape the favre-esque 24/7 news coverage on Brady's knee.

Boston related sidenote: One of my favorite Ozzie lines occurred last week when he ripped into Red Sox MVP candidate Dustin Pedroia (who is a stout 5"7):

"I never thought I was going to walk a goddamn jockey.” Walking a guy who just came from being on top of Big Brown. Right now, he’s on a roll. This guy right now is on fire. No matter what you throw up there, he’s going to get it. I can’t believe you can change professions in one year, go from the Kentucky Derby to the Boston Red Sox ballpark.”


That is some funny shit.

Oh, and fuck you Boston (almost forgot that).

Dong and Pony Show Contest 3: iPod Stuff

I'm officially killing Contest 2 - no winners, no good entries. Why? Most of the comments I got seemed genuinely terrified about the contest, citing that they would "have to be insane" to try and enter, or that "I'm very sensitive about my feces." Likewise, many people simply didn't enter because they didn't care about the DVD, and why waste precious energy trying to think for an item that doesn't interest you? I refuse to let Free Shit Month hit a rough patch, so to circumvent these issues, I announce Dong and Pony Show Contest 3!

Don't think that DVDs are unique and valuable? Fine. Here's a Kensington iPod FM adapter. This is designed for all the folks out there who hate all the music on the radio, but also seem to hate listening to the same CD for more than 30 seconds. Now you can take all of your OCD song-selection skills with you to the car! I personally miss the days when I could connect external media via the tape deck.

So while we're on the subject of Apple, the little company that could, here's what you need to do to win:

TO WIN: Send us an explanation of why you believe someone is the least appreciated player in Chicago sports history. Past or present, I don't care (I'm personally going with a certain one-armed White Sox pitcher, but you can probably do better). Entries are due by Sunday night at 8 PM (CT), and winners will be announced Monday morning. Use the weekend to think, people!

WINNERS: Kensington iPod FM transmitter, and Luol's Dong raffle ticket for grand prize.

RUNNER UPS: Raffle ticket OR Shockwave DVD (if desired).

Final entries are due by Sunday night, so get crackin'.

Rookie of the week

"That is one shifty motherfucker" -Bob Sanders

We've all seen the numbers (123 yards on 23 carries and a sweet 50 yard touchdown in the Bears’ 29–13 win over the Indianapolis Colts. Dude also had three recs for 18 yards) and we've all seen the highlight-reel TD run (here, if you missed it).

Now that we've had a few days to digest the best Bears opening game rookie RB performance of all time, please take a few moments to vote Forte as the top rookie of the week.

VOTE HERE

On a completely seperate note, I fucking love this guy. I still have some reservations on whether he'll last the season, but I love his attitdude. After the game, Forte was honest and still managed to avoid being an egomaniac. On reaching his goals:

"Actually, I pretty much met them," he said. "I wanted to get over 100 yards rushing in my first game, and I did that. And I just want to be consistent the whole season."

Amen.

NOT IMPORTANT UPDATE: Cedric Benson worked out for the Saints last week and "it went well" (ie he didn't get injured). He will work out for the Texans next week and immediately demand to be starting the following week. Very excited.

In Light of the Konerko Injury...

Sssssss...AHHHHHH! Sssss....AHHHHHHH!

Well, we're fucked.

First Contreras, then Linebrink, then Crede, then Quentin, and now Konerko. Oh, and Getz was playing with a broken wrist, too. I'm starting to think this is divine payback for the injury-free season that was 2005. Either way, the prognosis is an optomistic "out for the season." What the hell is the pessimisstic prognosis? Out for life?

Look for Swisher to take over 1B full time occasionally switching for Bourgois - or maybe even Thome/Dye. Outfield will likely be Anderson, Griffey, and Dye, with Wise and Owens filling in more often than I'd like.

So, to take our minds off the pain (and further tie in the Family Guy joke I made in the caption), here's Seth McFarlane's new gig. Essentially, it's Family Guy without the whole "plot thing." The manatees have gained control!

WHOOOO!!!

Lookin' good, Ric!

So, here's a story for you - wrestling superstar Ric Flair shows up to a party in NC with a screwed up face. Was it a tough rasslin' punch? Something awesome like headbutting a guy? Did he get hit with a chair?

Not even close.

Instead, his daughter's boyfriend (some 22-year old punk) laid down the smack on Flair in some parking lot. Not only that, but police were called in to help (probably Flair, who took a whuppin'). When the police moved in to arrest daughter Ashley, she allegedly kicked an officer...

...so they tazered her.

This is so many kinds of awesome I don't even know what to say right now.

If this doesn't make it onto one of those "Visit North Carolina" ads in the coming months, I'm going to be sorely disappointed.

Dong And Pony Show Contest 2 Reminder

Don't forget - entries for Contest 2 are due by Thursday morning at 8 AM (CT).

Please, I'm begging you - don't make me sift through entries of images of your turds (although automatic win to anyone that spells out "Luol's Dong" with feces).

Nothing Happened

Nothing exciting happened yesterday. Ditka seemed to be taking a different set of meds in the broadcast booth (which apparently caused him to forget that the commercials outrank the commentary), and Aaron Rodgers has a huge fucking schnozz.

Not kidding. His nose is ridiculous. This is the best picture that I could find, but there's no way that does it justice. If you didn't see it during the post-game interview, take this picture and then draw a much bigger nose on it. That should give you a better idea. Seriously - wait until they do another post-game interview with him. I think he has a nasal chubby or whatever the equivalent is.

Our Fearless Leader

Pizza Hut! Pizza Hut! YAAAAAAY!!!

Did we seriously just embarrass the Colts last night? The Colts run game that anally abused us in the Superbowl we held to less than 50 yards on the night - pretty good when the main guy there is Joseph Addai. Not only that, but we pressured Manning on every play (granted, with Saturday out, a rookie Center is not going to help him any) and even grabbed him for a few Bursa Sacks.

The headlines you'll be reading today will be talking about Matt Forte and our defense, and how without them we'd have been screwed last night. I'll tell you a different story - one about a man with poise and quick thinking who led this team to victory. He converted on 3rd downs where we needed them most, and kept the offense cool and level-headed in a tight situation. You know who I'm talking about...

"DANCE FOR ME, MY QUEEN!"

Dong And Pony Show Contest 2: Shockwave

For our last Dong & Pony Show giveaway, we asked our readers to submit a thoughtfully written essay concerning...Dog the Bounty Hunter. As you can imagine, the results were not as intellectually stimulating as we had hoped (except for the guy who actually won -- you RULE, dude). So this week, we're gonna try something a little different.

Our giveaway this time is a DVD of The History Channel's SHOCKWAVE, Season 1. For those who are unaware, the back of the box says that SHOCKWAVE "creates astonishing three-dimensional models that help us understand how--and why--some of the world's most awe-inspiring catastrophes happened." So........

TO WIN: We want to know how and why YOUR most awe-inspiring catastrophe happened. Specifically: the nastiest, most foul dump you've ever taken. Give us details. We want to know if it was nutty or runny. We want to know what color it was. What it smelled like. If there was bits of peanuts in there, or maybe blood. We want to know what you ate that day. Photos are encouraged. Entries can be emailed to gepettozhog@gmail.com. Post or E-Mail your answers by THURSDAY MORNING at 8:00 AM (CT)- winners will be announced Wednesday afternoon.

WINNERS: A "Shockwave: Season 1" DVD, and raffle ticket for Dong and Pony Show grand prize (whatever the hell that is).

RUNNER UPS: Raffle ticket for Dong and Pony Show grand prize.

REMEMBER: The more people that enter this contest, the more stuff we can give away to you, our loyal readers, in the future. This is Chicago, people -- vote early, vote often. And tell your friends/enemies/parole officer as well.

It's Almost Time

Or, in the original Dutch: Smeufnoiw sdjnfkuw, alsdkfnlekaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

If you're reading this, you're obviously tired of watching Tony Romo decimate the hapless Browns defense. We're just a few hours away from the Bears/Colts matchup bound to haunt us for the rest of the week.

Here's 5 things to look forward to:

#1. Unusually solid (albeit brief) production from our offensive line. Our offensive line is going to look like it works at first. Do not be fooled - the line will function throughout the first half, and then become more of the turnstile we expect it to be as the game wears on. Don't ask me why I think this is going to happen - it just is.

#2. Devin Hester will be uninvolved. Hester will not be kicked to unless the game is out of reach, and he'll be used in a passing play where he is the intended target maybe once. Don't expect anything from him today, as the Colts will do what they can to prevent him from getting the ball.

#3. Mike Brown will get hurt. It's a given - it's just a matter of when. I figure go early or go home.

#4. The Bears will run all day. Orton will probably finish with 150 yards and MAYBE a TD. Everything else that we do (if anything) will be Forte and company. Who knows - maybe we'll have a running game!

#5. The crew will talk incessantly about Eli Manning whenever there's dead space in the broadcast, and about Peyton's bursa sac whenever he has an incompletion (which won't be very often, sadly). Keep an eye on Anthony Gonzalez too, while you're at it.

Contest Details

Just some quick details on contest entries:

#1. I sorted through all the crap that we have to be giving away, and I've compiled a minor list. If the prospect of winning these items doesn't keep you checking the page, I don't know what will. In no particular order:

Kensington Wireless FM Transmitter for iPod, ???????, Shockwave (DVD), Microsoft Wireless Mouse, ????????, Monster 6' HDMI Cable, ????????, Battle 360 (DVD), Luol's Dong Raffle Prize.

That's more valuable* free shit on the web than any other website based on a person's dick. Remember - you can enter EVERY CONTEST.
*Valuable is relative.

#2. The next Dong and Pony Show contest will begin Monday, and we'll try and get these things moving at about two contests per week (to get everything out within the "Free Shit Month" deadline). Hope you're enjoying this as much as we are, and the better turnout we get, the more we can give away. Tell your friends! Tell your enemies!

#3. No joke - I am in correspondance with a member of the USOC trying to get a friendly chat with the one and only Vic Wunderle. No promises, but if you have any questions you want to ask him, feel free to post them here.

Are You Ready For Some Embarassment?

Blogger is stupid and has trouble with GIF's

We may not be playing the Packers, but the Colts aren't going to be any easier. If there were an image of Peyton getting a handjob from Kyle Orton (and there probably would be if Peyton visited more nightclubs), I would have animated that instead.

We're facing a Colts team that's remarkably similar to the one that kicked our ass in the superbowl...except that we got much worse since then. Orton, as much as I love him, doesn't looks like he wants to "Throw the longball" (unless that's a new drink). With our shoddy WR corps and turnstile offensive line, we'll be lucky to put up 10 points.

Likewise, our defense has looked like absolute shit. Mike Brown is actually PLAYING thus far, and he has historically had the Scott Linebrink effect on the Bears (read: Bears are unstoppable when Brown plays - not so much when he doesn't) - but I have yet to see anything this year to justify that.

Final score? Colts 24, Bears 10.

I'll go start looking for that image of Peyton and Kyle now...

Dong and Pony Show 1: Winners

Well, one contest down, and many to go. Winners, remember to contact us with your REAL address, or you ain't getting shit.

First, let's get the runner-up entry out of the way. The proud recipient of a Luol's Dong raffle ticket is...

CrazyJ8k via E-Mail with this insightful piece of information:

"u guys suk and arent funny. give it up fags. dog the bounty huntr is cooler than cedric an tank combined so u shuld give me the dvd."

We reward honesty here...but only with raffle tickets. Sorry.

And now, the winner of Dong and Pony Show Contest 1?

Raimster via E-Mail:

"Dear Mr. Dong,

I am well familiar with The Bounty Hunter as I, too, once excelled at the art of surrounding myself with a stout-faced, vagina-toting crew of savvy, motivated personnel. Though my posse and I merely ransacked park areas for used condemns (I like the smell, what can I say?) and never chased down evil, I have always considered Duane Chapman a brother...a dog-brother, but a brother no-less. So it is with the utmost of pride that I unleash my pack of wild Chicago athletes unto the world:

1) Bronko Nagurski - everything about this guy is badass. First of all, he's Polish-Ukranian so you know he's seen some things. This beast of Polack was a World Heavyweight Champion and has the biggest hands ever recorded in the NFL at 19.5. (The girl sucking my toes at the time of this writing wears a size 5, just for a basis of comaprison.)

Look at this badass quote from Wiki: According to legend, Nagurski was discovered and signed by University of Minnesota Head Coach Clarence "Fats" Spears who had gotten lost and asked for directions to the nearest town. Nagurski (who had been plowing a field without a horse) lifted his plow and used it to point in the direction of town. He was signed on the spot for a full ride football scholarship.

Oh, and his name is Bronko. It's even spelled wrong on purpose.

2) Jack "Black Jack" Stewart - I wasn't sure who to put on for the Blackhawks component of my team. Then I read the following off of www.legendsofhockey.com. "Stewart used brute force and strength to nullify opposing forwards while his partner used positioning and subtle clutching and grabbing to defend the goal." If this statement doesn't typify what we are all looking for in fellow hunters, in a smooth touch, in life.... then I don't know what does. When I think of the ideal ying to my zag, I think of someone who knows how to use force and positioning with me, someone who can implement subtle clutching and grabbing in ways that will really open my horizons and introduce me to new and exciting ways of scoring, a.k.a catching bad guys. Black Jack, live up to my expectations and will experience things the way they were meant to be expereinced.

3) Benny the Bull - The dude is 10 feet tall and can still tippy-toe, sleuth around like freakin Sherlock Holmes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBbvBvy1peY True, he has some balance issues, but give him three minutes with Black Jack, and he'll be subtly grabbing and clutching in no time. He's got intimidation, he's got quick feet, and he's knows how to beat up the little guy, something key in tracking down good-for-nothing low-lifes, too yellow-bellied to go out and do what their parents did: Get a Job, sir!

4) Al Lopex - This guy was quick on his feet. Lopez was once working behind the plate on a hot day and decided to leave the game even if he had to get the thumb. As luck would have it, the plate umpire was Charley Moran, who, Lopez knew, had been a college football coach in Kentucky. So, between innings, Lopez turned around and baited Moran. "Charlie, weren't you once a famous football coach?" Lopez asked. Off guard, Moran said, "Why yes, I coached the Praying Colonels at Centre College." "Is that so?" Lopez asked innocently. "What were they praying for--a new coach?" In a moment he was on his way to the showers."

I mean, come on. This guy was Carlos Mencia before Mencia was born. Every Bounty Hunter knows he needs a sharp shooter who some nemesis can refer to as "wise-crackin'." Lopez provides the foil for my militia of evil-catchers. He's Joey to our Friends, Michaelangelo to the the Turtles, Earth to the Planeteers.

And so conclucdes my squad, earnest and nimble, reliable and sly as a hungry moose. Go get 'em, ex-Chicago stars. May the Windy City send a gust to help us with our trevails. "

THAT is how you do it, friends! Great post, brings back memories...Ah, Bronko...

Stay tuned for Dong and Pony Show Contest 2, coming soon to a website near you!

Bears get Buenning

Some kid once made fun of my hair, so I ate him.

In a move that does little for us in the longrun, the Bears acquired Dan Buenning from the Bucs (as part of that "oh yeah, we owe you" deal with Greise going back to Tampa). That's all well and good...except that he wasn't good enough to win the starting job with the Bucs last year, and that we're still totally fucked on our offensive line. Metcalf at Tackle? Please!

I especially love this "excitement filled" line from the Sun-Times article:

"Now the Bears have eight healthy offensive linemen to work with as first-round pick Chris Williams rehabs his back injury."

Oh boy! EIGHT healthy linemen! We're in great shape now, right? Well, last I checked, you need to have FIVE of those guys starting, so three backups available to a team of underachieving turds in a row does NOT get my hopes up.

I hear Cedric Benson is available...

Dong and Pony Show 1 Entries Due By Midnight!

You know you want me...

Just a reminder: Dong and Pony Show Contest 1 ends tonight at 11:59 PM (central time, of course). If you haven't gotten your entry in, we recommend doing that (makes it difficult to win otherwise).

TO WIN: Send us your own crew of Chicago sports miscreants that you would choose to be on your Dog Squad, and why. Remember - your answers can be completely retarded as long as they're funny. Post or E-Mail your answers by WEDNESDAY at midnight - winners will be announced Thursday afternoon.

WINNERS: A "Dog the Bounty Hunter: Best of Season 4" DVD, and raffle ticket for Dong and Pony Show grand prize (to be announced later this month)

RUNNER UPS: Raffle ticket for Dong and Pony Show grand prize (to be announced later this month)

REMEMBER: Tell your friends - the better the reader response is to this giveaway, the more likely it is that we can do more stuff like it!

Sox starting to smell bad...

After taking it in the butt from Cliff Lee last night, the White Sox lost their fourth game in the last five and fell into a tie with Minnesota for first place in the AL Central.

Minnesota has an east schedule the rest of the way and the best Sox hitters are starting to cool down (Quentin, Ramirez). The Sox have been held to nine runs in their last five games, batting .191 over that stretch.

Part of me wants to believe we're doing the rope-a-dope from 05, where we lose the division lead in the last month of the season and almost crap our pants, eek out a playoff spot and then win the World Series. Another part of me knows this team is just not as good and doesn't have the same chemistry. It's tough to rally behind hired help like Cabrera and Griffey and root for guys you know aren't going to be around next season (Crede, Uribe). All of our super-likeable guys are hurt or suck (Konerko, Contreras, Swisher, Anderson).

Losing to Boston last week basically crushed our chances of winning the Wild Card as well.

So... here are some things you CAN root for over the final stretch of the season:

1) Making the playoffs. We may not go far, but we can certainly keep Minnesota out for another year. And fuck them, that's why.

2) Quentin for MVP. The dude is an absolute horse. Good ESPN link here.

3) Uribe bats over .250 by the end of the season. He's at .238 right now and (sadly)heating up!

4) Prospects: Getz, Owens, MacDougal, Wassmerman. Nothing too exciting there, Getz has a chance to be useful as IF utility.

-KEG

Dong And Pony Show Contest 1: Dong The Bounty Hunter

Brought to you by the letters A and E.

Welcome to Round 1 of the Dong and Pony Show! For those of you that have no idea what's going on, you might want to reference this post. Remember - if you don't win this time, we've got a bunch more coming this month!

To kick off our Free Shit Month of Dong and Pony Show shenanigans, we have Dog the Bounty Hunter. I don't really get what makes Dog so special - he's really just some guy with bad hair and a gun. Hasn't anybody ever been to a baseball game in Chicago? We've got TONS of these guys!

Anyways, most episodes involve Dog (AKA "Duane") doing "research" on some sort of community menace, chasing down said menace in a footchase using force, and then preaching to them about Jesus for 30 minutes. It's essentially the formula on how to get more people to go to Church - sure, you keep the main message, but why not throw in some guns and mullets?

Dog travels with his crew of Unattractive Woman, Slightly More Attractive Woman, Hillbilly, Redneck and Other Guy as they track down evildoers who somehow escape the law. Kinda like Batman, but with guns. Man, now I kinda wanna watch it...

TO WIN: Send us your own crew of Chicago sports miscreants that you would choose to be on your Dog Squad, and why. Remember - your answers can be completely retarded as long as they're funny. Post or E-Mail your answers by WEDNESDAY at midnight - winners will be announced Thursday afternoon.

WINNERS: A "Dog the Bounty Hunter: Best of Season 4" DVD, and raffle ticket for Dong and Pony Show grand prize (to be announced later this month)

RUNNER UPS: Raffle ticket for Dong and Pony Show grand prize (to be announced later this month)

REMEMBER: Tell your friends - the better the reader response is to this giveaway, the more likely it is that we can do more stuff like it!

Free Shit MONTH

Making all your wishes come true since 2007!

Well, we promised free shit this week, but I wasn't expecting to have NEARLY this much stuff to give away. As a result - September shall heretofore be known as FREE SHIT MONTH. We will be doing contests to give away DVD's from our good friends at A&E and the History channel (not copies for once, but we don't really care what you do when you get them), some electronics from Microsoft (thanks guys - now fix my computer), random shit from other various sources (read: dumpster), and of course, our own personal Luol's Dong Schwag (wear it proud).

Contest rules and guidelines will accompany each giveaway post. Look for posts marked DONG AND PONY SHOW for your chance to score some free shit. We'll be doing it all month, so if you don't win once...odds are you're really not all that clever or funny and the odds of you winning are severely diminished.

Stay tuned!

(PBF rules)