Why I Hate Basketball

That.

That, right there, is why I hate basketball.

In what other sport are you not only able to be a gigantic pussy but are ENCOURAGED to do so in order to win? I mean, look at LeBron there - he is 100% flopping. The only way that could be a bigger flop is if he were advertising Gigli and the Rapture at the same time. Flat-out bullshit.

You try that in any other sport, and you become a pariah immediately. In football? You want to claim that the bad man hit you? Shut your fucking face or you will be annihilated. Ditto for hockey - you stop play in hockey because you're missing too many of your teeth for you to close your mouth without gagging on the blood. Anything else and you play through it. Hell, people frequently come close to death in hockey and play doesn't stop until the guy is near death.

The only other sport you can even come close with is baseball (let's face it, this is America, and therefore soccer is only good for watching the hot ass that the players import). In baseball, the only injury you can fake is pretending to be hit by the ball when you weren't. MLB is a non-contact game played by some incredibly out of shape people. Case in point, Mo Vaughn.

Take the picture already! All this standing is wearing me out...

Basically, baseball players are also floppers in their own way. They claim to lose balls in the ivy when they're too lazy to make a play, they need 40 minutes between swings to adjust their batting gloves, and they often take themselves out of games due to poor conditioning. Even with all of that, these guys are basically having bullets fired at them. Bullets that can kill people, ruin careers, and break bones. Frankly, if you get hit by a fastball, you deserve a base.

Basically, fuck you basketball and your goddamned flopping.

Game 3: The Kingmaker

This is where we fight!

Game 3: tonight at 8:30ET.

Important things to note (ie: the only things that matter):

• In a 7 game series, the team that wins game 3 wins the series 76% of the time.
• In the first 2 games, whichever team had the rebounding advantage won the game.
• The Bulls are the best rebounding team in the NBA (by differential). Miami is 3rd but almost 1/2 as effective as Chicago.

Let's not make this any more complicated than it needs to be: Barkley said it, Kerr said it and even Simmons (despite his man crush on LeBron) agreed: the Bulls are a better team than the Heat, top to bottom. We have more weapons, a deeper bench and more consistent defense.

The old mantra will always hold true: the better defensive and rebounding team will typically win. Game 2 was honestly a fluke - we shot 34% from the field, barely over 60% from the line and missed 17 layups (including Rose going 0-7 from inside 10 feet) and yet it was still a close/winnable game.

In a series with some very interesting subplots (good read from Wojciechowski here), this should be a relatively straight-forward series. The Bulls are the better team, the Bulls should win the series. I thought it would be Bulls in 5, now I guess it should be Bulls in 6.

Fuck the Heat.

-KEG

America's Bulls

Hop on, plenty of room.

After a long hiatus from the Dong (and nervously obsessing over the Bulls the past month), I was inspired to get back to work thanks to an awesome text message and a great line from a friend at work.

First, the text message, from my friend Raanan who I haven't spoken to in over a year. He's from Cleveland.

From Raanan: 10:18am

"Please do not let that asshole make the Finals"

That was pretty awesome.

Then at work this morning, my buddy Scooter rolls in to recap the game and he says:

"This is no longer the Chicago Bulls, it's the America Bulls. Nobody in their right mind wants that egomaniac to win a title. This is the best and last chance to stop him, maybe for a long time."

Then I read Bill Simmons' article about Phil Jackson and reminisced about the Jordan days. How Jackson was able to control Jordan's intensity and obsession with winning and keep it from consuming his teammates (otherwise, he would have absolutely destroyed guys like Will Purdue, BJ Armstrong, Toni Kukoc etc, who could never live up to his expectations). Jordan was like a nuclear reaction- you could harness the energy to do incredible things, but it was dangerous.

Which leads us to tonights ECF game 1.

The Bulls have the best defense left in the playoffs, the league MVP and enough weapons to beat anyone. We've seen star-studded teams flail in the playoffs a million times. We all know it takes a full team and a cohesive strategy to win titles. We should have nothing to worry about in this series, except for the fact that LeBron James, possibly the greatest player since MJ, is on the other team. After plowing through the Celtics, he seems unstoppable (not to mention Wade/Bosh are probably the best 2/3 options in the NBA).

But...

LeBron isn't Jordan.

LeBron has never shown that level of intensity on or off the court and hasn't been able to flip the "kill mode" switch needed to win championships. Maybe it's because he's too friendly, or maybe it's because he cares more about having a good time than winning. I don't think LeBron can carry them when it's needed (maybe Wade can) but a champion needs a true leader. At this point, I'm not convinced LeBron can be that guy.

Bulls in 6.

-KEG

Talk about some Chicago Sports!

I mean, just wow!

We see what could possibly have been the biggest comeback ever from a Hawks team that should have been dead in the water after game 3, and they take it down to the wire with some ridiculous goaltending from Crawford.

Oh, and how about them Bulls? Tired of having to deal with this bullshit of close games? LUOL DENG - ACTIVATE. The Dong just lobbed up a steamy pile of jizz on the Pacers, sending them home and allowing Derrick Rose an extra few days to ice his entire body. Even with the foul trouble (Noah has 4 fouls pretty much every half), we are not to be trifled.

Then, we have the White Sox winning not one, but TWO close games against the Yankees. Yesterday's game came down to the fucking wire, with Brent Lillibridge making not one but TWO sick plays. Check out this game ender! And he came in as a PINCH RUNNER.

And then there's the Cubs, who have dropped three straight. Anyone else getting those double dream feet? I know I am!

Shame Is My Middle Name

To further prove the point, here is a clearly stolen image

So, you may notice that we don't write a lot. You may also notice that when we DO post, it is intermittently strewn between contest giveaways and weird posts that seemingly have nothing to do with anything. Said posts are generally tagged with "just paying the bills." I mean, let's face it - the amount of pants I go through from watching the Sox is pretty impressive. I shit a lot. From excitement. Because our team is good. Yeah.

Fact of the matter is, we don't want to do you wrong. However, we do like money, and frankly, the fan interest has subsided a bit. We know we've been naughty - the Sox are good, the Cubs are bad, the Bulls are great, there's a football strike pending...all sorts of shit! And here we are, jerking off, and doing ads. Yeah, we suck.

We can do better. We will do better. Also, show some love.

RuPaul's Drag Race

Contribution by Prince Raymond

You have probably seen him and remember his face. Just think about a certain male strutting down the street in platform heels, and you know who I am talking about. Yes, this infamous individual is named RuPaul. RuPaul is a transvestite who has made himself famous simply for being a transvestite in popular culture. For years, RuPaul has set the stage for all sorts of transgender humans. On his new reality show, "RuPaul's Drag Race," RuPaul grades transvestites as they compete against one another to win the crown of being the best transvestite on the show.

The first time I saw this show on my DIRECTV, I thought it was crazy. I thought that I was watching "America's Next Top Model," but then I had to do a double take to realize these were not models on the show. Instead, these male like figures were actually men dressed as women! This show definitely seems like a scene taken from Shakespeare's "As You Like It," where a male dresses up as a female and vice versa. There is definitely a reversal of gender roles on this show, so a person should probably be comfortable with that sort of thing to enjoy this show. This is one heck of a crazy show, but it is definitely an entertaining one to watch. I love this show and am addicted!

The Soxman Cometh

Crush. Kill. Destroy.

You know what time it is boys and girls? It's time for some motherfucking baseball. Normally, I'd be picking up all sorts of interesting tidbits on the news about the Sox and Cubs and I'd probably have some sort of semblance of how our team is shaping up and where to find some gems this season. Instead, I live in New York now and typing "White Sox" in Google returns the question "Are you sure you didn't mean, 'fuck the red sox?'"

Even so, I'm going to do my best to be excited about that other team that wears black and white on their uniforms. Let's take this one step at a time:

The Pitching:

I'm not even being overly optimistic when I say that the White Sox have one of the top 5 rotations in all of baseball. In terms of sheer expectations, I rank Mark Buerhle as the fifth starter. You think I'm crazy, but look at this:

1. Peavy

2. Jackson

3. Danks

4. Floyd

5. Buerhle

That is a fucking filthy rotation. The only "weakness" we have is proneness to injury. Aside from that, the Sox are flat-out stacked with guys that are either dominant or wily. Love it.

The Lineup:

Hey, remember when the Sox destroyed people with Rios, Konerko, and Ramirez last year? Let's add Dunn to the mix, and holy shit:

1. Pierre

2. Beckham

3. Rios

4. Konerko

5. Dunn

6. Quentin

7. Ramirez

8. Pierzynski

9. Teahen

Again, that is flat-out filthy. Sure, this has a few more question marks associated: can Beckham rebound? Are AJ and Quentin washed up? Will Dunn adjust to the AL? Is Teahen worth two shits? And so on. So what? Fuck you. On paper it's good.

Bullpen

A little trickier here. You know there's a problem if I can't name all the Sox bullpen pitchers without looking it up, but as is my understanding, it's something like this:

RP - Crain
RP - Ohman
RP - Pena
RP - Santos
RP - Sale
CL - Thornton

A little too much dependency on Ohman and Pena for my taste, but still not a bad 'pen. Seriously reminds me of '05 a little bit (in the sense that we need Ohman and Pena to become Cotts and Politte of '05 inexplicably). Even with those weaknesses, if Pena is the worst guy in the 'pen you could do worse.

Bench

Also not looking bad! Not sure who the Sox are going to use this year, but I suspect the Opening Day roster will include some combination of Vizquel, Viciedo, Morel, Castro, Lillibridge, and De Aza. Most likely Viciedo gets stuck in the minors and maybe Lillibridge (the former being too inflexible defensively, and the latter being too much of a spaz offensively). Look for Morel and Vizquel to back up the infield as needed with De Aza and Lillibridge cleaning up in the outfield and Castro serving as the backup catcher for AJ.

Maybe Flowers and Viciedo get called up in case of emergency, but you could do worse.

Bottom Line

• Excellent rotation
• Very good lineup
• Acceptable bullpen
• Acceptable bench
• Cut Marquez already

Topsy Turvy

Incidentally, this is what Kyle Korver's asshole looks like

The Bulls just lost to the Hawks? Brian Anderson just got the loss for the Yankees? The Cubs are fighting in the dugout?

OK, maybe that last one isn't so weird, but WTF IS GOING ON HERE PEOPLE!?

Segue

HOLY BALLS!!!

Saw this one on barstool sports today, then got it emailed to me about 1000 times. Also, CSN wants you to know that modern bar stools are available (and a great prop to use when picking up dudes at the Manhole):

I was thinking of flying back to Chitown for this epic battle but the average ticket price for the game is $869. So, yeah, I'll be watching on TV like just about everyone else.

A few key things to watch:

Penalties: In week 3 (when it mattered), the Pack got called for 18 penalties compared to 5 against the Bears. The same ref (McAuely) is working the game on Sunday, and we'll need all the help we can get.

Donald Driver: The Packers have the deepest and most diverse WR corps in the league with Jennings, Driver, Jones, and Jordy Nelson. Every one of those guys can burn you but Driver is the one I'm worried about. We tend to have a tough time defending big physical receivers and our cover 2 is going to force a lot of short slants - we'll contain Jennings deep but Driver has great hands and can run after the catch. Tillman can hang with him but he has been known to miss the occasional tackle... can't have any mistakes on Sunday.

Israel Idonije: In a weird way, Idonije's game will define the defense: Peppers demands a double team (especially with their weak LT), Tommie Harris is playing really well right now and Melton/Adams is always solid. If Idonije can bring pressure from the other end, Rodgers is going to be uncomfortable all game. A few hits big hits from Idonije and they may be forced to run the ball more than they'd like (and yeah this Starks guy is pretty good, but nobody runs on Urlacher/Briggs).

We'll be live tweeting during the game (@luolsdong) taking any and all questions!!

LET'S GO BEARS!!!

-KEG