Just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD

So here's an interesting blurb from his mayorness himself, Richard Daley:

"We should have a second NFL team in Chicago. If San Francisco has two, New York has two, Florida has three teams … and when you take Washington, Baltimore and Philadelphia, they have three teams there in that region, we could easily support a second pro football team."

Really? Does anyone else think that's a crock of shit?

Look at it this way:

#1. Where the hell would they play? With the Bears' official "home" being Soldier Field, where would this new Chicago team play? In the event that both teams would have a "home" game, it might get a little messy in scheduling. Likewise, having any other team call Soldier Field a home other than the Bears is a bit of a punch in the stomach to Bears faithful.

#2. Fan base. This city loves the Bears EVEN MORE THAN THE CUBS. And dear lord does Chicago love the Cubs. I just don't think that a new team would get the support it would need to survive. Any name given would be bastardized (e.g., "Chicago Intellectuals" becomes "Chicago Homosexuals" ...etc), and with our current bevy of sports teams, I just don't know if there's enough room in our hearts to cheer for ANOTHER team. Oh, and most importantly, the reason that the Sox/Cubs thing works is because of the rivalry. I get the feeling that the new Chicago team would be treated like "The Baby Bears" or some other "Golly we wish we could be as good as the Bears but we'll give it our best shot" sort of crap. You can't have venomous rivalry for a team like that.

#3. Previous failures. You know, this isn't the first case of a new Chicago football team. The Blitz (USFL) and Enforcers (XFL) once toyed with making us give a damn, but with no success. Hell, the Chicago Rush (AFL) won the whole damn thing in 2001 and no one gives a shit about them. Will putting a team in the "Official NFL Family" really make us pay more attention?

#4. Agony. For the sake of Chicago, I don't think we can handle having another bad football team. When ONLY the Bears are terrible in the Winter, it gives us that brief "Ah, what a relief" when we only have one disappointing team instead of the two we usually have in October (the Bulls can't be disappointing - we expect nothing. Plus, the Hawks are actually good, so they cancel it out). Now imagine two bad football teams here. I just don't think I could handle the misery!

Throw in a couple of intangibles (like how we're still trying to get that Olympic bid with a fucked up transit system and nowhere to play the damn games), and this is starting to look like a lot more trouble than it's worth. Instead of a whole new team, can't we just get a few winning ones? Spend all the money that would have gone to the new Chicago team on Julius Peppers and some O-Line help. The city thanks you.

You watching?

BOBBY HUNGRY

I AM SMELL GOOD

And with that, Bobby Jenks just got himself a well deserved raise. After providing the only stability in the bullpen for the past four years (Matt Thornton is a close second), Jenks gets the payday he's had coming since 2005 with a $5.6 million deal for one year. Unfortunately, Jenks' time in Chicago looks to be about finished.

$5.6 million for one year is hardly cheap, but when you figure that the odds of Bobby getting dealt at the trade deadline are really high, it's not surprising he didn't get a long term deal. The only way Bobby sticks around is if the Sox really perform well this year, in which case we acquire a washed up player (I hear Roberto Alomar is available...again...) and then figure out to do with Bobby after the season.

Here's hoping Jenks sticks around - or if he can't, we at least get a legit OF or SP prospect.

And THAT is why you don't mess with the A's

I feel better than ever!

There's a commonly understood fact about baseball, and that is that the Oakland A's know when to hold em and when to fold em. This ability is magnified by 1,000 when dealing with pitchers, and also enables them to extract prospects from nothingness. Case in point: Rich Harden's torn rotator cuff.

Let's look at the facts: Mark Mulder, Barry Zito, Tim Hudson, Dan Haren, and Rich Harden were all once considered aces in any pitching staff. As Oakland moved pitchers, there was an interesting trend. Let's follow down the line here, shall we?

Mark Mulder: After the 2004 season, Mulder goes to St. Louis for Dan Haren, Daric Barton and Kiko Calero. He has one good year in 2005, and then in 2006 had what appeared to be minor rotator cuff problems. Mulder took a quick trip to the DL, and has since pitched a combined 104 innings in three years with his BEST ERA being 7.14. The Cardinals recently announced that they're buying out his contract.

Barry Zito: Zito was an absolute machine for the A's through 2006, when there were concerns that his curveball was losing its bite. Billy Beane probably should have traded Zito at the deadline (there were rumors that the A's would have gotten Lastings Milledge), but whatever. Zito signs with the Giants for a then-record $126-million contract...and sucks. His first season going from the AL to NL (normally a way to make a pitcher BETTER), Zito's ERA shot up from 3.83 to 4.53. In 2008, it ballooned to 5.15. The Giants probably wish they could get this one back.

Tim Hudson: If there's a way to reverse the Oakland curse, Hudson serves to be the example of the antidote. After five dominating years in Oakland, Hudson was sent to the Braves for Charles Thomas, Dan Meyer, and Juan Cruz. Hudson had a great first year, and then started the slide with a 4.86 ERA in 2006. Somehow, some way, the Braves recognized and fixed the problem, and Hudson rebounded in 2007. Unfortunately, as with the A's, if the pitcher just doesn't "lose his stuff", he gets hurt. Case in point, Hudson got Tommy John Surgery towards the end of last season, missed the rest of 2008, and will likely miss most of 2009.

Dan Haren: A much shorter story on this one, but Haren - who was acquired for Mulder back in the day - was sent to the Diamondbacks for Carlos Gonzalez, Brett Anderson, Aaron Cunningham, Greg Smith, Dana Eveland, and Chris Carter. Rest assured, at least one of those guys will turn out to be something useful. As for Haren, he pitched well last season, his first season with the new team. Then, strangely, towards the end of the season, Haren seemed to be fatigued...or even - gasp - HURT. Jury is still out on this one, but expect a dip in the stats this season.

Finally, that brings us full circle to Harden. Thus far, 3/4 ain't bad for Billy Beane, especially when they crash and burn like Mulder. Tell me if this sounds familiar - Harden pitches well for the Cubs in his first year with a new team. Then, at the start of year two, has a rotator cuff injury. Couple this with the Cubs' propensity to destroy pitchers by grinding them into dust. Glimpse into the future: Harden's recovery is rushed, Mark Prior part deux.

Oh, and Sean Gallagher becomes an All-Star pitcher who is then traded just a year before he craps out...yadda yadda yadda and the cycle goes on.

Moral of the story? Stay the hell away from the A's.

Free Pie

"If I hold this pose long enough, maybe they'll think I was turned to stone instead of just sucking!"

So here's a move that I didn't expect. The Cubs just sent Felix Pie, their ex-CF of the future, to the Orioles for two lottery tickets. It makes sense for the Cubs to say, "OK, Pie sucks let's get rid of him," but it's entirely another to trade him without getting an immediate return. Pie is - contrary to the image above - the only other fielding CF not named Reed Johnson. If anyone thinks that Fukudome can cover ground in CF, you are sorely mistaken. Not the best idea in terms of the depth, but trading him to the Orioles - where he might have been useful in one of 3,000 proposed Brian Roberts packages - is also unusual.

In return, the Cubs get Olsen (young AAA/ML with future potential) and Williamson (class A reliever). Neither are really going to get the job done this year. Unless Olsen is really some sort of raw talent that needs just needs a nice trip to the North Side (his career stats say he's a Homer Bailey type - amazing in the minors, but can't make the transition). Even if Olsen pans out this year, he's not going to be starting. Sean Marshall has been waiting for that 5th starter spot for a small eternity (and likely will outperform Olsen in ST), so it seems that the Cubs are making a "future" move. Expect Olsen to "compete" for a job, but not to win it. Maybe one more season in the minors (barring a rotation injury) before getting a full-fledged call up.

Williamson is really more of a toss-in than anything else. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of information about him or his ability, other than that he had a ~3.00 ERA in A ball. For Cubs fans everywhere, you've gotta hope that Reed Johnson stays healthy and that this one doesn't come back to bite in the ass.

Excuses Excuses

I'm Carlos Zambrano, director of P.U.S.S.Y. I'd like to tell you about the Loveable Losers initiative.

Just when you think that the Cubs faithful have put '08 behind them (like the last 99 times), they go out and pull something like this:

In 18 starts he'd posted a 10-3 record and 2.84 ERA, but after the break there was a noticeble difference in the mercurial hurler. In his final 12 starts he went on to put up a 4-3 record, which isn't horrible or anything, but an ERA of 5.80 wasn't exactly anything to be proud of. Not to mention his WHIP was 1.23 before the break, and 1.41 after.

It led a lot of folks to wonder if there was something wrong with Carlos...well, it seems that Cubs fans can stop worrying because we may have found the culprit. Apparently Carlos has been having as tough a time seeing his fastball as opposing hitters do because according to MLB.com, Big Z is planning to undergo LASIK eye surgery before the start of spring training.You've got to be kidding me.

Since when does Lasik fix years of abuse by the pitching staff, sending the self-proclaimed workhorse out for 120+ pitches per outing? Will it magically repair his shoulder fatigue and other ailments? I don't recall Zambrano's location being off as much as him having shoulder problems. Oh, and last I checked, Zambrano didn't lose his playoff start by himself - his defense botched enough plays to make him want to tear his eyeballs out himself.

Carlos also went on to say that glasses and contact lenses aren't an option because he doesn't like wearing glasses, and can't stand putting the contacts into his eyes.

Oh boo hoo, Carlos. Is this the same guy who likes to scream and yell and intimidate on the mound? Last I checked, Lindsey Fucking Lohan could wear contacts without a problem.

If we're getting Lasik for one Cubbie, why not for the rest of the infield as well? They seem to develop some blurred vision come October.

THE END IS NEAR! RUN!

Do you hear that noise? It's like a tiny little murmur coming from the midwest...what could it be?

Give us a salary cap! We're tired of being outbid by the fucking Yankees!

What? It's like there's a fly in the room or something...I swear I heard something.

Hey asshole, enough with this bullshit East Coast outbidding everyone! Baseball should be affordable by every team!

Say! That sounds like a complaint coming from 50% OF MLB. That seems like a fair statement to listen to, don't you think?

With mid to low-market teams like the Brewers and Royals fuming that every interesting free agent is going to take the money, it's time for another push for a salary cap. And hey, this time it might work.

Word on the street seems to be that this latest Yankees spree has pissed off all of the more reasonable payrolls, and why wouldn't it? Half a billion dollars gone in three weeks is pretty impressive. Here's the spooky part from the article:

New York’s luxury tax payment—$26,862,702—was just $141,000 shy of the Florida Marlins’ entire 2008 payroll, which came to $27,003,450.

Not all that surprising. The collective bargaining agreement ends in 2011 after the season, meaning that unless the economy is magically revitalized, we may be looking at a legitimate push for a salary cap.

About. Fucking. Time.

If there was ever a problem with baseball, this is it - drafting players in a high round means nothing when they take a long time to develop. By the time a player is ready for the bigs, the team that owns him has MAYBE 2-3 years to enjoy it before his contract is up. By then, regardless of what the team can spend, you'll bet that the Cubs, Yankees, Red Sox, Rangers or Angels will double whatever your team can offer the player.

Why should some teams be able to spend more than others? Small market teams like the Royals shouldn't have to be fucked year in and year out because someone else can afford to pay more.

AL and NL central, consider this your time to shine.

Black Bart's Treasure

Gotta keep his girlish figure

When Kenny gets his man, Kenny gets his man. Sometimes he gets his man multiple times - hell, why not? And Kenny's latest post-post-post-prime acquisition?

Bartolo Colon, back from the dead. Or the fat. Or maybe both! I don't know what we're paying him, but it looks like it's going to be a one-year deal. Then again, we sort-of-maybe-almost-could-be signed him last year also, so I'm going to wait until I see details before calling this one 100% confirmed.

Even so, with Black Bart joining the rotation (he's going to lose his spot to Jeff Marquez? Please), we actually have a pseudo-respectable pitching corps. Barring any additional Kenny-gasms before the season starts, we're looking at:

#1. Buerhle
#2. Floyd
#3. Danks
#4. Colon
#5. Richard

That's really not that bad, especially when Richard will likely put together a very solid season. When Colon gets his usual injury, it would give Poreda a chance to step in, or hell, maybe Marquez. If Contreras comes back as a useful pitcher (ETA All Star Break), that's just icing on the cake.

Now if only we could get that whole "get on base and score runs" thing worked out...

Oh Eddy - You So Crazy!

I just love this story. I can't make it much funnier than it is, but here goes nothing:

Knick center Eddy Curry was slapped with a shocking sexual-harassment suit yesterday by his former driver, who claims the 6-foot-11 hoopster tried to solicit gay sex from him.

Stunning court papers charge that Curry, a married father of several kids, repeatedly approached chauffeur David Kuchinsky "in the nude," saying, "Look at me, Dave, look" and, "Come and touch it, Dave."

Curry, 26, also made Kuchinsky perform "humiliating tasks outside the scope of his employment, such as cleaning up and removing dirty towels [into which Curry had ejaculated] so that his wife would not see them," the Manhattan federal court suit says.

Kuchinsky, 36, who is straight and Jewish, also alleges racism, saying Curry hurled slurs at him, including "f- - - ing Jew," "cracker," "white slave," "white devil" and "grandmaster of the KKK."

Ho-ly shit. I can't even think of ways to make that more outlandish! Maybe Curry inhaled a goldfish through his asshole and threatened to shoot it at the driver? There's really not a whole lot much more that Curry can be accused of doing here. Kuchinsky wants $98,000 plus compensatory damages (about 5 million), which all things considered, is a pretty good wage to be a spooge collector.

"Instead of paying him, they discriminated against him," said Kuchinsky's lawyer, Matthew Blit. "Imagine going into your boss' office . . . and he stands up and drops his pants and he asks you [to] take care of him."

Please no - I'll do anything!

Whatever it takes, I don't want to have to address the traveshamockery that is the Chicago Bulls. Losing is something we've done for the past few years, so it doesn't come as a total shock, but when you've got some serious cash invested in Luol Deng and a young sparkplug in Derrick Rose, you expect to see SOMETHING that isn't a shitshow.

I mean, we lost to the Oklahoma City Ass-Cancers, and immediately followed that performance with a loss against the Trailblazers. Oh, and no excuses for the Portland game, because we had our top lineup going. Deng played. Hinrich played. Rose played. Just...WTF. I don't even know what to say anymore.

Is it baseball season yet? How about now?