Kobe Beef

This is an old school basketball move. A little sausage swipe alters the shot and nobody is the wiser. Usually, you fake-poke the junk though...

"You're a sick motherfucker Mack..."

-KEG

NBA Trade Deadline, Ty Thomas, Joe Noah's foot and Live Dong

Luol Deng in the flesh at MSG. Fucking phone cameras...

Went to the Bulls/Knicks game in NY last night. Turns out, Kirk Hinrich actually DOES suck. I swear to god he missed every single shot last night including ones my fat semi-blind brother could make if he was that wide open. Not only are we stuck with that miserable contract but he's getting worse every season. Gah!

A few other observations:

Tyrus Thomas is fun to watch. He's inconsistent but freakishly athletic. You just know he's gonna throw down a mean dunk when you see the open lane. You know he's dying to swat shots in the paint and you know he's not thinking about foul trouble or the actual game (which is exciting!). You never know what's going to happen with him. I guess we'll have to watch Charlotte games to find out...

Derrick Rose is the shit. He doesn't even look like he's trying while he's dominating. It pisses me off actually... you see Pargo out there busting his ass trying to move the ball and beat Duhon off the dribble and then Rose does it like you woke him up from a good nap and he's hungover. It's insane. I'm sure gonna enjoy watching him and Bosh next season.

The Garden is pretty cool actually, except for those annoying guys the Knicks pay to "rouse" the crowd. They are annoying. Otherwise, all the seats are pretty good, the crowd wasn't particularly hostile and while they know their team sucks, they still care.

Cheerleaders are underrated. Better in person.

D'Antoni might have a hear attack before the end of the season.

VDN is brutal. There were no actual "plays" last night, just Rose creating shots and Deng/Miller hitting them. He needs to go. It's bad for Rose (and Hinrich, apparently). Has anyone gotten better under his coaching?

Deng is silky smooth.

Taj is pretty good.

Brad Miller is awesome and a dirty, dirty thug.

David Lee is wildly overrated.

On the trade deadline: Sucks we couldn't deal Hinrich or land TMac (he'd have actually been a good fit on the Bulls). I'm hopeful we can land Bosh or Wade next year but even if we don't, we didn't destroy our team to try (like the Knicks did).

-KEG

So Long Frank

You think my THIGHS are big...just wait and see

As of 2010, Frank Thomas is officially done with baseball (even though we knew he was finished after a sub-sub-subpar season with Toronto/Oakland in 2008). For anyone living outside of Chicago, you probably are thinking "Oh, OK. He was good. I guess."

No, Frank Thomas was not "good."

Frank Thomas was fucking AMAZING.

In an era where the "top hitters" tested positive for steroids, corked bats, and stupidity, Thomas provided consistent production year in and year out. A career .300 hitter, Thomas was not exactly known for being "fast" but he was known for playing smart (Little known fact - Thomas is the only player in Major League history to hit over 100 sacrifice flies and not collect a single sacrifice bunt. Yes, the links are there for you people that don't know the difference). He's fourth on the all-time list for sac flies, often helping drive in stranded Sox runners instead of striking out while trying to launch a homerun.

Not only was he an absolute monster with the long ball, but he was patient. Thomas drew 138 walks in 1991 - the most of any player in a single year in that DECADE, not to mention the most since the 1960s. Oh, and did I mention that he is the only clean player of the modern era to have over 500 HR and a .300+ average? That's a list of big names like Ruth, Williams, Aaron, and Mays, and two people that probably shouldn't be there (A-Rod and Manny).

Speaking of 'roids...

No one, under any circumstances, accused Thomas of using. He fucking HATED steroids. Not only was he ACTIVELY involved in the Mitchell report (he volunteered, and was the only active player to speak up), but he also advocated steroid testing way back in 1995. If I were the best fucking baseball player of the last 20 years and some assholes who kissed their fingers and launched 60+ HR stole the spotlight, I would be pissed too.

Once you take some questionable names off the list, Thomas is THE hitter of the 1990s, hands down. Yeah, I know we covered this before, but it needs to be said again: Thomas is the best.

So long Frank, and thanks for the memories. I will always remember the sight of your gigantic thighs as you slowly lumbered out of the batter's box on one of your many extra base hits.

Conan and Milton

For anyone that saw the post title and was expecting a literary comparison between Paradise Lost and barbaric practices, you need to lay off the peyote. More accurately, in the midst of an amazing dump today, I was thinking about how two different people in two different worlds can be so incredibly alike. Also, don't read House of Leaves if you want to sleep at night.

Just for a minute, let's pour some salt on some old wounds and revisit two of the most interesting people of the minute: Conan O'Brien, and Milton Bradley. As we all know, Bradley was shipped to Seattle, never to be heard from again. O'Brien was also given the boot, although I suspect we will hear more from him in September when he (spoiler alert?) signs on with FOX.

Start from the beginning - O'Brien is given a cushy new position as head of the Tonight Show, a big deal position that just hasn't had the same "Oomph" since Johnny Carson. He replaces an aging Jay Leno, who for whatever reason, is pushed up to an hour earlier to stay on the team.

Bradley is given a cushy new position as RF for the Cubs, a position that just hasn't had the same "Oomph" as when Sosa wandered out there aimlessly blowing kisses. He replaces Kosuke Fukudome, who was shifted one position to CF to keep a spot on the team.

O'Brien works the Tonight Show, but ultimately isn't bringing in the results that his direct competitor, Letterman, is. Likewise, NBC isn't getting the best results out of Leno, as he is playing out of position (who gets home then to watch TV?).

Bradley plays RF as best as a career DH can, but isn't bringing in the results. Fukudome, as he is playing out of position (he's not exactly an ace in the field anymore) is also suffering, leading to lots of freebie runs due to shitty defense.

Both Bradley and O'Brien are told that they're going to have their playing time reduced. Bradley starts seeing time on the bench, and O'Brien is threatened with a return to The Late Show. Needless to say, both respond with a resounding "Fuck You."

Fast-forward to today.

O'Brien, having been labeled a problem for NBC, is dealt to another network. He is paid the money he is owed for this year to sit on the bench until he can start up again with a new network in the Fall.

Bradley, having been labeled a problem for the Cubs, is shut down. He is paid the money he was owed for this year to sit on the bench until he was traded to Seattle.

With a new network/team, both will make them pay.

Go team CoCo Bradley

What Mean Expendable?

Since there's not a whole lot going on sports-wise (unless you're that guy who's into hockey), I thought I'd take this opportunity to pimp my new blog, What Mean Expendable?

On this site you'll find some of my design/artwork -- remember, I'm the guy who came up with the award-winning Luol's Dong logo (my mom was very proud.) You can also expect occasional rants and shit-talking. It'll be fun.

Http://whatmeanexpendable.wordpress.com . Do it. Do it now!

Your move, God

I can see daylight! That means I'm gonna score...!

Somewhere along today's news of Dusty Dvoracek and Gaines Adams, I found this little nugget:

"I showed up at the team meeting (Saturday) and nobody told me to get out, so it's good news."

You know who said that?

Craig Fucking Krenzel.

Of all the things that are buzzing through my head, the only one I can think of is this:

This is the third plague.

Essentially, God has decided that he can no longer accept the Bears as a football team, and they must be destroyed. This, I believe, is because we did not release his chosen people. Sid Luckman, a nice Jewish boy, was so close to being relieved of the burden of having 31 INT be the most by a Bears QB. Instead, Jay Cutler was unable to finish the job, and so he remains enslaved.

If you look at the biblical 10 plagues, you've got the plagues of Blood, Frogs, Wild Beasts, Flies, Livestock Death, Boils, Flaming Hail, Locusts, Darkness, and Death of the Firstborn.

If you look at the plagues the Bears have suffered this past week, you have Beast Death (Gaines Adams, RIP), the plague of Blood Alcohol Level (Dvoracek), and now Darkness (Krenzel).

If my calculations are correct, this is far too similar to the ten plagues to be taken lightly. Assuming that the system is the same, these first three plagues were just warnings to the horrible things to come. I suspect the following:

Plague #4: Mike Lice. Bears sign Mike Tice to join the coaching staff. Ugh.

Plague #5: Blisters. Despite being the worst receiver on the team, Hester continues to start over Aromashodu due to a lingering case of blisters/boils that make it difficult for him to play.

Plague #6: Dolphins. In an unusual twist, the Bears give up on Charles Tillman, and trade him to the Dolphins for draft picks. Tillman, in turn, gets a career resurgance and becomes the secondary we've needed all along...albeit for the Dolphins. Bears are incidentally dealt a crushing loss in the preseason where Tillman has two picks.

Plague #7: Flaming in Jail. After one too many times watching his friends line up in the three point stance, Brad Maynard becomes sexually aroused and assaults one of his teammates in training camp. He serves prison time for rape.

Then, you have the final three plagues, where serve as a sign of God's true power.

Plague #8: Diabetes. In an unusual twist, Craig Krenzel also contracts diabetes.

Plague #9: Sulking. Cutler, after several weeks of poor production from both the game planning and his receivers, begins to sulk.

Plague #10: Death of the Chosen One. Defying all odds, Krenzel is started over Cutler, who demands to be traded.


HOLY SHIT.

Is it 2004 again?

I opened the newspaper this week (to look at the pictures, obviously - this whole "reading" thing is beyond me), and what do I see? The Cubs acquire Greg Maddux, and the whole world is urging Sosa to admit to steroid use in the wake of a Mark McGwire announcement.

This is a paper from 2010.

First of all, let's get our facts straight. Here's what matters:

#1. Sosa did roids. And corked bats. And vampirism. If there's a way to illegally gain a competitive edge and be a fucker at the same time, he's got it.

#2. McGwire did roids.
#3. The universe now assumes that any effective baseball hitter is doing steroids.
#4. Wil Cordero beats his wife.

That said, who really cares anymore? Baseball's image is at a weird state right now - you've got the rose-tinted glasses nostalgia thing going on, and you also have the "let's get on with our lives" phenomenon.

Look at it this way - comparatively speaking, did anyone - anyone at all - give a shit when McGwire confessed? No! We knew about the andro, we knew that Canseco gave him a flaxseed oil enema, and we knew that the whole era was BS. Coming out and admitting it way after the fact doesn't really change the public opinion of anyone or anything (oh, and LaRussa - you're so full of shit. In order for McGwire to get the job, you made him confess. Slick).

Thats said, who doesn't look back at those times with fond memories? Those last couple of years in the 90's changed BASEBALL. I'm not talking about the whole "Barry Bonds" part of things, but the McGwire/Sosa race was one of the most exciting things to happen to baseball in a long time, and we loved it. For those of us that were just getting interested in the game because of it, we can view it as a fun sideshow, like the "smallest person alive" at Coney Island: you feel terrible once you get up there to see this tiny woman sitting on a chair, but you still remember it and talk about it all the time.

Are we at a point where we say "Oh, McGwire was the best and he should go into the HoF"? I doubt it. I propose something entirely more radical:

The Hall of the Game

Think about it - how many people have evolved the game over the years and have introduced public interest to what is arguably one of the most boring sports to watch for a newcomer? Pete Rose got people to care. Sosa and McGwire got people to care. Bonds got people to care. Jim Abbot? Hell yes. These people, like it or not, had a huge impact on the way we play the game. Are these players our "Hall of Fame" of greatness? Of course not. But they should be remembered and memorialized none the less.

I nominate the following players for 1st-Ballot HoG induction:

Joe Jackson
Pete Rose
Mark McGwire
Jose Canseco
Barry Bonds
Sammy Sosa
John Rocker
George Steinbrenner
Mark Fydrich
Babe Ruth
Ty Cobb
Jackie Robinson
...etc

Say what you want, but THESE are people that shape the game. Nad Hanlon and Bid McPhee? Who the fuck are those guys? These players have long been out of the game, but looking at that list, I'll bet you can identify each of those names and remember how they affected the game for YOU. We need to embrace our past, and move forward WITH it instead of trying to bury it.

No one wins

VICTORY IS DELICIOUS!

To say that I'm a little late to posting on this one is an understatement, but it still needs to be said: why are two ex-Bears runningbacks leading the way for their respective playoff teams? Sure, the game is over NOW, and Shayne Graham is probably going to go home and beat his wife, but coming into this one, the evidence is damning.

Well, actually, before I go into that, I do have one brief announcement:

FUCK YOU RON TURNER.
THANKS FOR RUNNING OUR OFFENSE INTO THE GROUND.
I WILL SEE YOU IN HELL.

Ah, that's better. As I was saying...

The Jets, led by the success of ex-Bear Thomas Jones were set to play the Bengals, led by the success of ex-Bear Cedric Benson. Logically speaking, you don't often see a team go through two runningbacks that produce elsewhere within such a limited timeframe. Jones was on the Bears as recently as 2007, and Benson as recently as 2008.

And, of course, look what happened. Benson toted the rock for 169 yards and a TD in a postseason game (two things that Forte didn't do this season), and while TJ was overshadowed by Shonne Greene, he still managed 34 yards and a score.

Fuck.

Bring on the Hope

Even the amazing fit of Wrangler jeans can't make this a comfortable situation

There's a few things that we can expect in Chicago sports, and one of them is the infamous "wait until next year." Few teams can perform as bad as ours do and still inspire fans that next year is not only the year we post a winning season, but that we manage to go deep into the playoffs as well. The idea of this is so ludicrous it would be the equivalent of Pirates fans expecting to win it all next year, or Detroit Lions fans getting playoff tickets. Preposterous.

After Monday night's nailbiter over the Minnesota Vikings, two things were made apparent. First of all, Devin Aromashodu (Devin #1) is going to be the WR that Cutler trusts. Unlike Devin #2 (Hester), Devin #1 has the ability to be physical, can run his routes, and still has the blazing speed that we like. All things considered, Hester isn't even the fastest guy on this team (Knox, then Aromashodu).

Second of all, we learned that Chris Williams just may be able to play his position. Any time you can keep the Williamseseseses and Jared Allen in check, you must be doing something right. Only one sack allowed - definitely a step up. Subsequently, despite some terrible decisions, Jay Cutler looked awesome, coming through in the clutch with some nice passes to move the chains and score when we needed to.

Before all of you get excited, I would like to point out that this was ONE GAME. That's it. All these pieces have been there for a while now - it's not like they just magically "clicked." We still need some work to make the Bears a better team. If we go into next season without making any changes, we're in the exact same spot we were in this year (maybe not Cutler leading the league in picks, but you get the idea).

Here are some things that WOULD help, though:

#1. An offensive line

#2. A secondary

Certainly not the most "high profile" of positions, and certainly not me calling for Lovie's head on a platter. Still, everything clicks together when these two get upgraded. A better O-Line gives Cutler more time, leading to less poor decisions and more production. A better O-Line also paves the way for Forte/Bell to give us a running game.

As for our secondary, which consists of Tillman waiting for you to catch the ball and then trying to pry it out of your hands, we're up shit's creek. I'm not saying we get Revis or Ashamouga, but additional help will let our Linebackers actually blitz (instead of faking) and will prevent speedy wideouts from torching us every year. This means more stalled drives for not-Bears, and more time with the ball for us, which allows us to run and pass as we please.

If we get some of those elements in the offseason, I'll jump on the insan-o bandwagon. Until then, you'll have to wait for next August for me to do it.