Sports Need More Breasts

I got into Guinness because they're filled with mice

I'm probably going to get into trouble for this one, but after reading about the would-be-boxer who was banned for having breast implants, I'm starting to think that the universe is missing the point. Breasts make sports BETTER.

Case in point: Jenn Sterger

What's the biggest draw in sports right now? It sure as hell isn't the steroids. I think that Erin Andrews has a bigger fan base than A-Rod right now, and I'm pretty sure that it's not because of her ability to string two sentences together. Lisa Dergan, Jenn Sterger, and even Heidi Watney - all hired because they've got a nice rack. The same applies to Al Roker, John Madden, and every other lardass in the NFL booth. Breasts sell.

The draw doesn't stop on the sidelines, though - what about our attractive athletes? From Sharapova to Doug's unhealthy obsession with Gina Carano, there's more need for this than ever. Why do you think that women's volleyball players and divers, despite being immensely talented, get not noteriety? One word: aerodynamics.

Wait, she FIGHTS!? WHAT!?

Does anyone think that giving any one of those people breast implants will create a problem? In a non-contact sport like basketball or golf, I would be writing hate mail to the commish's office...but boxing is somewhat understandable. These women get punched a lot, and yeah, those things COULD explode and kill her.

...or she could just be "that really hot boxer with implants" who never has to actually succeed in her craft. Someone who just looks good despite having no actual talent...kinda like Anna Kournikova. Where's the harm in that?

It took me 20 minutes, and I still couldn't find a picture of her actually playing tennis.

If demanding more breasts in our sports and programming is too much, then this is a country I don't want a part of. Hell, the TPC watched the whole superbowl just to get to the porno. Up until this year, there was a Lingerie Bowl to watch large breasted women in minimal clothing "play rough." With the exception of the whole "we won't play at a nudist colony" thing (long story), it could have been the beginning of a much more promising XFL.

Until then, we wait.

Around the horn

News Team, Assemble!!

Apparently, the Bulls are trying to woo Chris Bosh from the Raptors. I don't care if we have to trade Deng, BoGo, Hinrich and Noah for Bosh - he's a younger version of Garnett who will thrive with Rose for the next 10 years. MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

Other rumors have the Bulls getting Amare, Marcus Camby, Chris Kaman, Carlos Boozer and others. These rumors are stupid, as is Sam Smith.

Ozzie Guillen is pushing for a 1 year ban for first-offenses with steroids. Man, Ozzie will do anything to justify getting rid of Konerko...

The Bears 2009 QB prospects get more interesting as Jeff Garcia announced he will not be back with the Bucs next season. That leaves Garcia, Leftwich and Simms as the only big names available right now (not exactly inspiring...  get ready for another season of the Orgasmically Offensive Orton.)

In other news, Raimster (who you may remember from winning ALL of our contests and submitting kickass comments and tips) celebrated his bachelor party in style over the weekend in Atlantic City - lots of booze, lots of gitnu (but not too much chedva) and lots of awesomeness. The TPC ended up losing three weeks pay in an hour (that would be $40). 

Maybe we'll get some pics up of the midget strippers and the goat.

-KEG

Jose Contreras in the best shape of his life...by not pitching

Shortly after posing for this photo, Jose snapped this guy's neck and slept with his girlfriend. Seriously.

Two things stick out in my mind when dealing with Jose Contreras - being older than time, and his current injury. Which is why the latest news of Jose losing 30 lbs is so damned confusing. How the hell can you be in the best shape of your life if you're not even allowed to go back to throwing a ball off a mound yet?!

[Contreras] also took stress off his legs by losing 30 pounds this off-season thanks to a better diet and a workout program designed by a new personal trainer in the Tampa area.
Yeah, I'll bet NOT WALKING really helped him stay trim. I'll bet that new diet helps Jose look young - he only looks 65 now! In other news, Bartolo Colon is still fat, unattractive.

No, really:

Guillen defended his projected No. 4 starter when a reporter asked whether he thought Colon, who is listed at 5 feet 11 inches and 245 pounds, was out of shape. "Colon was 350 pounds when he won the Cy Young Award (in 2005)," Guillen quipped. "He's not a model. When you're a model, you have to be careful. He's not a jockey. … (Colon) surprised me. He's in better shape than what I thought."

How can Colon be in better shape than anyone thinks? I expect Colon to be face down in a Little Caesar's personal pan pizza wearing a wifebeater that's covered in pizza sauce. Did he wear a bib or something? Ozzie in love with corpulent pitcher - story at 11.

Derrick Rose: ho hum, I'm pretty good at basketball...

Even at half speed, I will defeat you.

Derrick Rose cake-walked through the All-Star weekend skills challenge, making Devin Harris, Tony Parker and Mo Williams look slow as he jogged through the motions and took home the trophy in 33.3 seconds (besting Harris by a full 3+ seconds). He also finished it off with a nasty reverse dunk that would have earned high marks in the (relatively weak) dunk contest.

In other news, Derrick Rose is the most nonchalant, disinterested and aloof human being I've ever seen. Saying he's "shy" may just be a nice way of saying the dude really doesn't give a shit.

In other other news, A-Rod was busted for taking an illegal plutonium-enhanced tanning supplement:

What a fucking douche.

-KEG

The Worst Karaoke Session Ever

Worst Karaoke Session Ever

Reason #4,224,113 that the internet exists.

Apparently Zambrano's Lasik was for the rest of us...

Did someone here order a Spitball?

Carlos Zambrano, "revitalized" and ready for the season to begin.

...Ron Jeremy, eat your heart out.

Paxson, Das Boot

I literally just sharted.

Rumors are flying (soon to be confirmed) that John Paxson will resign as GM for the bulls after the trade deadline today.

Paxson took over for jolly Jerry Krause in 2003 and it's been a fucking shitshow over since. We had a great draft in 2004 (where I bet Krause was still involved) and hasn't done much outside of landing a lucky #1 pick in Rose and completely shitting the bed anytime we have to trade one of his picks.

Management moves:

Signed 38 year old Scottie Pippen 

--A nice gesture and a waste of money

Fired Bill Cartwright for Scott Skiles 

--Would have been great if not for drafting a bunch of thugs who don't resepect him and subsequently  overspending for a "leader" in Wallace who completely disrespects him and makes it ok for the rest of the team to do so, leading to Skiles being inneffective and getting the hook.

Traded Jalen Rose for Antonio Davis

--useless

Traded Curry and Davis for Sweetney, Tim Thomas and draft picks (in 06, Tyrus Thomas and swapped picks with NY in 07 for Noah)

--Not bad but essentially useless. I wonder if we would have been better off with Curry, because he actually knows how to put the round orange thing in the basket inside the painted area.

Let Fizer walk, traded Jamal Crawford for nothing

--Fizer isn't his fault, Crawford didn't fit with the tough D mentality. These are OK moves.

Traded Tyson Chandler for JR Smith and PJ Brown

--Chandler was the last guy left from the Krause era, was resigned and then dealt for nothing. Oh yeah, Chandler also went on to be fucking solid for the next few years and played on the 08 Olympic team.

Signed Ben Wallace

--Brutal. This money now equals Larry Fucking Hughes

Passed on trading for Gasol, Kobe and KG at various times

--(Stabbing self)

Fired Skiles, Hired Del Negro (and lost out on D'Antoni)

-- (Gauging out eyeballs)

Got fucking fired

--hooray.

Notice, not one substantial move, despite drafting a shitload of talent (see below).

Drafting History:

04: Gordon, Deng, Nocioni, Duhon 

05: -

06: Thomas (instead of LaMarcus Aldridge), Sefolosha

07: Noah, Gray

08: Rose

--The 2004 class was impressive and he inherited Eddy Curry, Tyson Chandler and Kirk Hinrich from the few years before. If fucking Jay Williams doesn't pull an Evil Kinevil in the offseason that year, this might be a very different story. Regardless, Paxson inherited a lot of talent (and some shit)  from Krause's last draft in Fizer, Crawford, etc.

Paxson's biggest fault was his heart: he couldn't bear the thought of dealing one of his projects (which includes almost any draft pick) and was fiercely loyal to his players. To his credit, at the time he passed on Gasol (and even Kobe) it seemed like Deng was going to be a superstar, so it looks a lot worse now than it actually was.

Nevertheless, this ends a tough period in Bulls history. Everyone likes Pax as a person and I'm sure he'd be a nice guy to grab a beer with, but he turns out not to be the best guy running the franchise. Time to move on. Stop crying. Someone go get us Amare or Jermaine O'Neal.

-KEG

Kenesaw Mountain Landis was a bad motherfucker

17 feet tall with 150 wives...

Sports MILF's

Someone directed me to Stephen Curry's mother at the Davidson game the other night and lo and behold: she's a total MILF. Not that surprising really (Stephen looks like a chick, actually) but it got me thinking... what other NBA players moms are secret hotties? Why is no one keeping track of this? Where can I find a compendium of hot sports mothers? Where are my pants?

Necessity is the mother of invention (and I am a pun machine), so let's take a look at a few I happen to know about:

Steph Curry's mom

LeBron's mom

(You might remember her from when she got up in KG's grill on the sideline last season and LeBron almost went apeshit on her)


Yikes.

Joakim Noah's mom

Allen Iversons mom (old school)

I did some google digging but sadly, didn't come up with anything else worth posting. However, I will assure you that there will be a hot wives/girlfriends post coming at some point... Jesus, there are some ridiculous chicks out there.

Anybody think of a sports MILF I missed?

So Much For That

Abreu just signed with the Angels, which has all sorts of confusing parts about it.

#1. The Angels have 5-6 outfielders now, so you have to assume Abreu is finally shifting to DH

#2. Abreu signed for even less than the Sox's rumored offer, settling for $5 million (instead of 8)!

Weird.