He's coming, he's coming, he's coming.

The guy in that picture dropping an atom bomb on Tadahito Iguchi is none other than Chone Figgins of the Anaheim Angels. If the name sounds familiar, that's because he's popped up at least three times in trade rumors with the Sox this offseason. Rather than keep brushing off rumor after rumor, it's probably about time to start figuring that Figgins is coming to join the team.

Let's face it - he fills every offensive need we have right now. He's a capable centerfielder (or anywhere else) with speed, lead-off capability, and smarts. Oh, and he likes to hustle and play hard. If that doesn't sound like a potential Sox player, I don't know what does. Moving on down the list then, the question is "How are the Sox going to get him?"

Option A: The Sox send Jim Thome to the Angels. This is probably the best deal for both sides, as the Angels are in need of a legit DH while the Sox look to get faster. The Angels likely eat some of Thome's contract here (or the Sox get some prospects) to even this one up a bit, but it allows the team to move Fields or Konerko to DH and get some more youth in the infield.

Option B: The Sox send Paul Konerko to the Angels. Less likely, but similar. Paulie has the same DH potential, but can actually play 1B without a serious injury risk. On the flip side, Paulie's offensive production has been in a serious slide as of late. Konerko is also forever in Jerry Reinsdorf's good graces for the whole 2005 WS ball thing, so I can't imagine Jerry wanting to see him go.

Option C: The Sox send Jermaine Dye to the Angels for Figgins and other considerations. I wouldn't have thought that the Angels, complete with all 32 outfielders, would be looking for another one. Still, this rumor has started to gain steam as of late, and makes sense when put in perspective. The Angels get Dye (who, aside from a slight slump at the end of last season, has been one of the best RFs available), and have the option to move him, Guerrero, or even Matthews Jr to 1B. For the Sox, they move their most moveable player, and likely get some more youth in return (Dye's value is probably higher than Thome or Konerko's).

If we do something, let's hope we do it soon. I'm starting to like this idea of taking infielders from the Angels.

Bears Hire Marinelli

I done gone and shit mah-self.

So...let me get this straight: Lovie has "friends." People he likes, and people he gives jobs to. Say, for example, Bob Babich. Since taking over our once-terrifying defense, Babich has found a way to make us one-dimensional and rather lackluster. To rectify the problem, Lovie fired everyone OTHER than Babich this offseason.

Brilliant.

Pardon me, but can I have a bite of your child?

So, keeping with this theme, we hire Marinelli. Unlike Babich, Marinelli has a few things to his name. On the plus side, he was the other candidate for the Bears coaching gig when the Bears went with Lovie instead. On the con side, he DID just lead a team to an NFL-record 0-16 season. But he's Lovie's friend, meaning his job security is intact for eternity...and that the rest of Marinelli's family is welcome for jobs with endless terms, like perrenial shmuck Joe Barry:

"I used to dress up as Jim Thome so that I could try and sleep with his wife."

Yikes.

Speaking of Movies...

The Slammin' Salmon Trailer - Luol Deng's Genitals Merit A Website

The Most Important News. Ever.

"Who's the meanest? Mothafuckin' Sho-nuff!"

This is old news to some of you, but for those of you that haven't been on top of your game, I bring you the most important news. Ever.

Samuel L Jackson will be playing Sho-Nuff in the NZA remake of Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon. For most of you, this news means nothing. To most of you, I say fuck you. The Last Dragon is quite possibly one of the best movies ever. EVER. Not only does it feature some of the best blacksploitation (Ed's note: No comment from spellcheck on that one...) comedy ever, but it has a guy named "Bruce Leroy." How do you go wrong with that?!

Now, let's be honest - for the few people that not only read this blog (making them a minority already) but also know/care about The Last Dragon (microscopic minority), you already knew this. In fact, you knew this a while ago, tried to tell your friends/significant other, and had them give you a quizzical "Do you mean that Bruce Lee movie?" look before walking away. You had no outlet to talk. None. Here at the Dong, we understand.

I'm so stoked, that I can't stop myself from imagining the possibilities. I mean, just look at these!

"Leeeroooy! Who - is - the master?"

"I am."

"Playtime's over, boy!"

Wow. I just shit my pants from excitement and my shit just got goosebumps. That's how unreasonably pumped I am about this movie.

Anyone else going to get in line now for the premier?

More Losers, Please

I done gone and shit mah-self!

Just to clarify for the hundreds of rumor-starved media outlets - Lovie Smith is under contract for a few more seasons, and is not going anywhere. The only way that the Bears get a new head coach by next season is if the Bears have an utterly abysmal season - and that's still not going to be assessed until 2010.

That said, it looks like the Bears are ideal suitors for the homeless folk that call themselves the Marinelli. It's seriously like giving a hobo a dollar - as soon as you've shown you'll help more, the others will flock to you to pick your flesh from bone. In this case, offering a warm meal and a bed to Rod Marinelli produces these vultures:

"If I had an opportunity to work for Lovie Smith, I would cherish it," said Barry, who was fired as Detroit's defensive coordinator when Marinelli was dismissed as the Lions head coach.

Translation:

"Change? Mister? Change?"

Dude - Lovie didn't offer you a job, but now he's going to feel guilty about only helping one of you. At first, he'll do what he can to help (like freeing up some coaching spots with the removal of some defensive coaches). However, once all the Phil, Dave, and Shaniqua Marinelli start coming out of the woodwork, Lovie's going to start taking a different way home from the train.

Rating the upcoming desperation move

"Me take baseball eggs for walk in stroller"

Kenny Williams is to patience like oil is to water. The man just cannot stand pat with his team until he thinks he's made some "big splash" before the season. Previous "big splashes" have been names like Cabrera, Nick Swisher, Carl Everett, Uribe, and Carl Everett (again). So, with the offseason slowly (and painfully) winding down, here are our top contenders for Kenny's attention:

#1. Brian Roberts. The default #1 option here. Recent rumors have the Sox doing Gavin Floyd for Roberts, but I think that the odds of that happening are slim to nil. The Orioles are known to try and extort as much as possible, the Sox already have a bunch of young infielders to bring up instead of blowing cash on a one-year Roberts rental, and trading Floyd gives the Sox 2 and 1/2 starters (Clayton Richard the #3 starter? Uh oh). This one just shouldn't happen under any circumstances, and yet, here it is at number one.

#2. Freddy Garcia. Literally has nothing left in the tank, but is definately in the hearts of KW and crew. Aside from being related to Ozzie, Garcia put in a good showing against the Sox at the end of the season, throwing nothing but fumes. Even though his fastball is slower than Mark Buerhle's, Garcia is a "pitcher" instead of a "hurler." With the rotation as ravaged as it is, I wouldn't be surprised if Kenny took a flier on him.

#3. Kenny Lofton. Somehow keeps on trucking, even after all these years. If there were ever a contender for the Julio Franco award for being old and effective, Lofton is it. In the past three years, Lofton has stolen 20 bases a year and hit about .300 - something that the Sox could definately sink their teeth into. He plays Center Field, would probably make a nice name in a headline, and would definately help tutor young up-and-coming players like Jerry Owens. Big upside pick here, and he's already been on the Sox once...

#4. Carl Pavano. And it would be a long-term contract, too. Here you've got a talented (albeit injury-prone!) pitcher coming off of a disappointing...everything. He's looking to get his value back up without the big city pressure, and might take a friendly paycut to get some quality time with Don Cooper, too. Kenny loves these high risk/reward guys. If it works out, you're looking at the #3 starter for the next couple of years. If it doesn't, at least he can't be worse than Todd Ritchie...right?

#5. Bobby Abreu. Fits the hole Jermaine Dye would leave - but Dye would need to be traded first. If Dye were already off the team, I would bump this up to #2, but until he gets traded for Homer Bailey (or anyone else), Dye is still on the squad - and Abreu is still available.

#6. Jon Garland. Why not? Garland had his best season under Guillen and crew, and is definately looking to get back into the magic of his 2005 season. There's a bit of a rumor that Gullen had Garland in his doghouse, but has recently been quoted as saying "Jon [expletive] would be [expletive] welcomed back onto the team - we'd [expletive] love to [expletive] have him." Garland probably won't come especially cheap, but a three-year contract with lots of future controlling options sounds about right.

#7. Pedro Martinez. This is one of those "KW has had his eye on this guy" moves like getting Griffey last year. Pedro is past his prime, and is probably going to want at least a 3-4 year contract. The Sox will probably want to do something incentive-laden for the guy who just came back from rehab, but it's not really a great fit. Still, it's a marquee name and another risk/reward scenario.

#8. Julio Franco. I wish I were kidding. Julio wants to play even after he's cremated - who are we to try and stop him? One quick final tour of duty for the league minimum could help boost ticket sales with the 80's fans, and might even give a little morale boost to the young'ns.

More Fool's Gold

Did the Knicks trade for Jack Haley in 1997 or something?

The Cubs, looking for another consistent arm for the bullpen, parted with one of their 39 starting pitchers, Jason Marquis, to acquire Luis Vizcaino. Expect to see Jeff Samrdzija make a push for the rotation.

Again, the Cubs keep making headlines, siphoning players from the 2005 championship team. Unlike acquiring Neal Cotts (which was hilarious for both teams), this ex-Sox champ will likely be useful to the team. On, the surface, it looks bad because both his ERA and WHIP have gone up dramatically from '06, going from 3.58 to 5.28 last season. Then again, look at where he played - pitching in the pressure-free environment of New York has been known to ruin careers and psyches (2007), and Colorado is a launchpad for homeruns (2008).

I would say with a team as offensively potent as the Cubs and the protection he will likely get as a middle-reliever, a sharp drop in ERA (especially pitching in the weak NL Central) is likely.

Projected 2009: 70 IP, 4.18 ERA, 1.33 WHIP

DeRosa was traded to make room for MILTON BRADLEY!?!?

What a twist! (groan)

In a move that surprises no one (not even the Parker Brothers), the Cubs acquired Milton Bradley. It seems almost like trading DeRosa was a move to free up salary for this sort of event...what a twist! Here's some things to look forward to with Bradley joining the team.

#1. Fan service. Milton Bradley is the sort of guy you don't fuck with. Needless to say, the Cub Bleacher Bums will give Bradley all sorts of creative heckling. "Did you know you have the same name as that board game dude?" Baseball through the face. Just like that. MB (no one is intimidated by the name "Milton." Apologies to all self-proclaimed badasses named Milton) does not take shit from you. Expect at least one instance where booing from Wrigley - yes, they boo - will cause MB to kill someone, or at least attempt to give them an enema with his water bottle. I'm looking forward to it.

#2. The clusterfuck outfield. Where's the fun in having all of your positions filled with a starter? Bradley is supposedly penciled in to play RF...meaning that Fukudome is being paid to ride pine or platoon with Bradley and Reed Johnson, who appears to be the frontrunner for CF at this point. If there's anyone that needs to trade some excess baggage instead of signing players, it's the Cubs. Fontenot and Cedeno by themselves could probably net a legit CF. Oh well.

Tangent: What the fuck is Soriano still doing in the outfield!? Yes, he has a cannon arm - big deal. His bunny hops evoke memories of a certain name I'd like to forget, and it's not really his natural spot. With DeRosa gone, why hasn't there been any talk of moving Soriano back to the infield? Moving Soriano frees up LF for Bradley, keeping Fukudome in RF (he's likely going to rebound this year - especially for what he's getting paid). The infield is then Lee, Ramirez, Soriano, and the winner of the Theriot/Cedeno/Miles/Fontenot shootout with the rest becoming backups/utility players/traded. Oh, did I mention that the infield is a clusterfuck too? Forgot about that.

#3. The inevitable injury. MB is a fragile and delicate flower. The guy played at DH last year, and STILL managed to get hurt. Earlier attempts to get him into the outfield were met with shortened seasons. With that whole "no DH" thing going down in the NL, it seems unlikely that Bradley is going to survive long. While there's no mistaking that MB can hit from both sides of the plate, it doesn't do much good if he's wearing a cast. Oh, and when he goes down, see item #1 at the top of this list.

The Cubs need to make a run at a legit CF like Coco Crisp (side note - what percentage of people in baseball have retarded parents? Just wondering). Oh, and for those of you that missed it earlier, insert lame Parker Brothers joke here.

Bring on MLB 2009

Kurt Warner is Magic Man?

Unintentional comedy scale: 9/10. The only thing that might make this video more funny would be if Rev. Kurt honestly prayed for 8 pound, 6 ounce newborn baby jesus's healing powers to protect Anquan Boldin next Sunday.

"I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger."

Kurt Warner is one crazy-ass motherfucker. 

-Thanks to KSK for the clip

You're a biiiiiiiiitch?