What about this guy?

Some folk'l never lose a toe, and then again some folk'l...

Sure, Matt Jones got cut by the Jaguars for frequent run-ins with the law and a hilarious coke addiction. So what? As long as the drugs increase his hand-eye coordination (as shown by his impressive numbers last year), he could become the WR 1 the Bears really need.

Yes, I know that the Bears don't go after anyone - especially people like Jones. Even so, he would come cheap, and would fit in nicely next to Hester. We get a possession guy, to cover the 10-20 yard range, and then we get some separation for Hester (...to be underthrown, but that's a different story).

Also (and most importantly), Jones would almost garauntee that we don't go after Holt - as much as I loved him in the early 2000's, he has since lost more than one step...not to mention that he'd want a longer contract. Instead, sign Matt Jones to a 1-year deal with incentive for Buffalo Wings.

Your city thanks you.

Colon Sodomized

I have a holocaust cloak and a wheelbarrow...

In case you missed the line from Monday:

1.2 IP, 4 ER. Only 22 of his 40 pitches were strikes.

The Reality of Getting Cutler

Well, he KINDA looks like Orton...

If you live in Chicago long enough, you learn that the only sports team in town to bag the big-name free agents (or make moves for big names) is the Cubs. The Sox haven't gotten a big name since Albert Belle, the Bulls haven't since Rodman (Jalen Rose does NOT count), and the Bears haven't offered a contract to any FA under 30 in my lifetime. As such, I am incredibly pessimistic about the Bears taking the slightest stab at Cutler.

Even so, the possibility would be great news. As Keggers pointed out yesterday, getting Cutler essentially equals us getting a free draft pick every year he's on the team (instead of wasting one on the Cade McNowns of the future), and opens the running game for Forte to go batshit crazy. So the real question is, REALISTICALLY, what would need to go down?

The Broncos are in need of a better defense, and any offensive weapons we can give to make Cutler's departure easier. Seeing as we don't have shit in the way of offense (Desmond Clark?), we're probably throwing in a high draft pick with the defensive player.

We have the following to work with:

Briggs: We love our linebackers, and Briggs is no exception. The Yin to Urlacher's Yang, he is what makes our defense tolerable on a regular basis. Seeing as the Broncos have Webster and nothing else, Briggs is a very attractive option.

Harris/Tillman: As much as Tillman is a pussy who gets hurt once a game in order to "bounce back," he can't keep up with the big boys. He gets burned by every WR1 in the league, and I won't miss him when he goes. Seeing as the Broncos have Champ Bailey and...um...Champ Bailey to deal with, Tillman would make their secondary almost respectable.

Corey Graham, Trumaine McBride, Nathan Vasher: These guys are "sort of the future." Frankly, I don't know what their role is on the team if Tillman or Harris go, but I would rather not trade "the youth" if it can be avoided. Also, these guys actualy have potential (instead of additional potential to suck), so they may actually have worth in a deal if packaged with a 1st or 2nd rounder.

Cutler to the Bears?

I have diabetes!!

I actually agree with most of this article. The Bears should do whatever it takes to get JC under center. Someone get some sugar-free candies stuffed into Olin's bung!

The Broncos need defense. We have a lot of overpriced players in the secondary that can be replaced in the draft. Hell, we could even deal Hillenmeyer (a great fit in Denver) or Briggs and a few draft picks.

Everyone knows that dealing draft picks is a quick way to destroy a franchise. However, the only time this rule is moot is when a young high-ceiling QB is available. If Cutler were in the draft this year, he'd be the hands-down #1 pick. 

We've been searching for a franchise QB for ...   a billion years? Forever? Just pull the trigger. Make this happen.  Right now, our team is a slowly deteriorating beast. We dont have anyone to build around, our O-line and D-line are getting old/retiring and we have no receivers. Forte is nice but not indispensable. Hester is nice but not indispensable. Harris, Briggs and Tillman are all good but shouldn't be safe from the block.

If we trade for Cutler and sign a decent veteran WR (like Holt, Engram or MarHar) and draft into the defense, all of a sudden we're a young team (Olsen, Cutler, Hester, Forte) with an exciting future.

More importantly, we don't have to waste a top pick on a QB for another decade. It's such a ridiculous cost/benefit tradeoff here. If you don't take Cutler, we're going to take a few swings at the position (we're not very good at picking QB's) and even if we assume we're going to get it right 1 out of 3 times (not realistic, we've gone through McNown, Grossman, Orton, just to name the most recent draftees- and not counting FA's) we're still spending 10+ years drafting, evaluating, giving up, re-hauling and re-drafting. I've seen it 5 times already since I was a kid. Christ, just look at this list over the last 30 years: Erik Kramer is top 3 in our ENTIRE FRANCHISE HISTORY. The list is appaling. In order, from present:

Griese, Grossman, Orton, Hutchinson, Krenzel, Quinn, Stewart, Burris, Chandler, Miller, McNown, Matthews, Moreno, Stenstrom, Mirer, Krieg, Walsh, Kramer, Furrer, Willis, Harbaugh, Flutie, Tomczak ... JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

I honestly cannot think of a reasonable request from Denver that I wouldn't take if I'm Angelo.

Hester, Briggs and the #1?  OK.

Orton, Forte and Briggs? OK.

My left nut and future considerations on my right? OK.

Don't get me wrong- Cutler is a total homo. He's kind of whiny, super-sensitive and also has diabetes. You don't want your QB to have fucking diabetes. Nevertheless, you can build a winner around that arm... dude throws 70 yards from his knees. Imagine actually being able to hit Hester in-stride... Imagine the defense NOT having 9 guys in the box on Forte... Imagine still having a chance in a game when you're losing... Imagine not having to worry about the QB spot for at least 5 years...

Make this happen. I'll root for this dork like he's Joe Montana.

-KEG

Crazy Idea

Warriors! Come out and plaaaaaaay!

As is my understanding, there's a bit of a clusterfuck in the White Sox outfield right now. Unlike the Cubs, who have too many people to play (Soriano, Fukudome, Bradley, Johnson...etc), the Sox have too many people who CAN'T play. Right now, the breakdown looks like this:

LF: Quentin (Locked Up)
RF: Dye (Locked Up)
CF: Wise, Owens, Anderson...etc

Unlike previous years where everyone on that list had "potential" and additional minor league options, this year presents a serious "Oh Shit We Need To Do Something." As far as I know, Anderson and Owens are out of options. The only person who looks even close to useful of the three is Wise, and we all know he's not really a CF option.

So here's my crazy solution: Move Alexei Ramirez to CF.

In terms of both offense and defense, CF gets a big upgrade. As much as I like Anderson, he's only half of the puzzle (fielding, but no offense). Likewise, Wise has speed and the brains, but he's the new Pablo Ozuna - not an every day option. With Ramirez in CF, both Wise and Anderson make the team (bye bye Owens) with Anderson being the defensive sub and Wise being a day-off replacement and pinch runner (think Timo Perez circa 2005).

As for the infield (which now has a gaping hole), you have a couple of options. Seeing as the Sox have a LOT of youth and infield depth (Viciedo, Beckham, Lillebridge, Nix, Getz...etc), let them duke it out for two positions instead of one. I fully expect Viciedo to go to the minors, and Beckham to get called up after May 1 (so we can save a year on the contract). Until then, Getz and Nix can handle SS and 2B (Getz was projected to take 2B anyways).

When all is said and done, you wind up with:

SS: Nix
C: Pierzynski
LF: Quentin
DH: Thome
1B: Konerko
CF: Ramirez
RF: Dye
3B: Fields
2B: Getz

I penciled in Nix for leadoff because he seems to be meeting all the criteria in ST - whether that carries over into the regular season remains to be seen. Even so - Getz "gets" time to develop at the bottom of the order, Nix holds the spot for Beckham (Nix goes to a utility role when Bex shows up), and the rest of the pieces are the same as last year.

Thoughts?

The New Titletown USA

(Follow the arrow to basketball glory)

Dear loyal readers of the Dong,

You look to the Dong for cutting edge Chicago sports news and insights. But the Dong is so much more than that, not only do we cover Chicago better than anybody but we do a pretty nice job on the rest of the country.

That is why I, the TPC, is here to tell you about the new NCAA powerhouse in the making, im talking about a little team called the Binghamton University Bearcats. Now, it is no coincidence that they turned D-1 while yours truly was running the greatest sports show in the history of the school. What they have been able to do in the America East (toughest conference in the NCAA) in the last 5 years is truly remarkable. Taking down basketball institutions the likes of Vermont and New Hampshire has never been done up till now.

Tomorrow at 11am on ESPN 2, Binghamton stands at the cusp of school history for a chance to receive their first NCAA bid and a likely 16 seed in the tournament. Ive already put on my adult diaper and am not moving from the TV until the game is over.

For all that is holy let the Bearcats win, let me see my alma mater on the bracket and to all you haters, watch as they make history by becoming the first 16 seed to win the tournament. You heard it first on the Dong.

( Binghamton womens lacrosse, where they dont forget to cup the balls)

Winston-Salem Penis

For anybody wondering, this is the logo of the White Sox's AA affiliate, the Winston-Salem Dash. I have taken the liberty of improving the quality of this image so that you can see the true source material as shown below:



I mean, seriously. We couldn't do better than this?

Anything to speed this up

Luols Dong Arts and Entertainment: Watchmen

Ah, the Watchmen film.  I don't even know where to start with this one.  

Anyone going to see this movie will probably fall into one of two groups:  People who loved the original Watchmen comics from 1985, and will be really fucking pissed off if they even slightly mess it up, and then people who just want to see a good movie and be entertained.  I sort of fall into category 1 (hence going to see it opening weekend), but it don't matter: Watchmen falls short of the mark on both counts.  Possible spoilers below, so watch the fuck out.  

Watchmen was helmed by "visionary" director Zack Snyder (300), whose entire career consists of 1) reading comics, and then 2) making films that look exactly like the goddamn comics.  So, not surprisingly, Watchmen sticks pretty closely to the original visually, even mimicking the angles and lighting of Dave Gibbons' artwork from the original series.  Snyder even brought Gibbons out of semi-retirement to storyboard the few parts that weren't already in the comics.  "Visionary" my ass.  

But it's not that easy -- since the Watchmen movie has been in development, many involved have called the project "unfilmable," and that's no bullshit.  Even though the movie is almost 3 hours long, there's still a lot of material from the books that didn't make it onto the screen.  These range from the excusable (the Black Freighter side-story, for instance) to "what the fuck??" (the cooler part of Rorscach's origin is somehow missing).  The plot has been cut down to the point where some things don't even make sense, because the back stories aren't there to fill you in.  Oh, and then there's that whole matter of completely changing the ending. No wonder series writer/creator Alan Moore disassociated himself from the movie.  I feel like there will eventually be an extended "directors cut" DVD that might put some of these parts back.  It'll probably be about 9 hours long.

Thankfully, Dr. Manhattan's gigantic blue penis is on constant display throughout the film.  How often do you get to type the words "gigantic blue penis?"  Also the Night Owl character looks frighteningly like my dad circa 1978 (minus a few pounds).  

Silk Spectre lives out one of Gepetto's sexual fantasies. 

In short, you have a film that will piss off the diehard Watchmen fans/geeks, and probably won't make sense to anyone else.  Some of the visuals are pretty spectacular, and I will admit that the new ending makes slightly more sense than the original.  But be warned that if you are part of the Cult of Watchmen, this film approaches the sacrilegious.  And if you just want a fun night at the theater with the girlfriend, prepare yourselves for an eyeful of blue radioactive schlong.  

Reasons to get excited: Spring Training Drinking Games

Herpes! YES!

Ok, I admit it. This portion of the sports world is fucking boring. There's Spring Training, Luol Deng's pussy report, and a whole lot of nothing. It's driving me batshit crazy but FEAR NOT - I come to you with good news! Here's a quick list drinking game to get you to opening day.

RULES: Drink shots/beers/meerkat urine as indicated when any of the following occur:

Ozzie Guillen swears (or otherwise has expletives deleted) in an interview: Drink.

Blackhawks sell out a game: Drink.

Bears are rumored to go after new over-the-hill free agent wide reciever: Drink - twice.

Luol Deng sits. Drink sitting down and rubbing leg.

Any time Gordon Beckham is rumored to be a starting 2B candidate: Drink and then slap yourself on the face.

Zambrano pumps his fist: Drink a very tiny amount and then pump your fist and go "YEAH!" afterwards.

Rich Harden pitches through pain. Drink entire bottle - you're obviously already drunk.

Spring Training game is aired on CSN. Drink and watch (which may incite additional drinking).

Jeff Marquez is compared to Nick Massett: Drink, then piss into a cup and drink that, too. Both LOOK right, but only one is human excrement.

In a report about the Cubs, someone mentions this being "the year" the curse is excised. Drink Entire Bottle of Whiskey, kill self.