Book(er)-ed

Fuck You THREE Times

Told ya.

Marty Booker inked to a two-year contract (one year too many) with the Bears yesterday, giving the Bears a body that they can call their WR#1 to avoid giving Hester a huge payday as the best receiver on the squad. He should provide some friendly experience for Hester and Davis, and probably came cheap (contract terms were not disclosed).

That's pretty much it for the good news. The bad news is, this means the Bears are done upgrading the receiving core. This is a desperation "well, we better do SOMEthing" move, and signals a shift in planning. If Booker is the answer to our receiving problems, lord knows the answer to our O-Line problems.

Hopefully we trade our pick and Mark Bradley to get a slightly higher pick with which to take Otah or Long. Bradley was demoted to 8th (?) receiver last year, can't stay healthy, and makes Peter Warrick look like a success.

Please -- do it.

In other news, The Grudge Match of the Damned has been delayed due to a lack of contestants. If you have any ideas for competitors, leave them in the comments and I'll post one as soon as I get something to work with.

Renting Griese

I hate ballet

Another day, another shrewd move by the Bears. Just two years into a 5-year deal, the Bears dealt Brian Griese back to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for a 2009 draft pick.

I can't imagine how this deal could have gone any better.

First of all, we don't have to pay Griese's $300,000 bonus. We also don't have to deal with yet another mediocre QB creating a controversy next year. We save cash, and best of all, we get something BACK -- and all we did was borrow him from the Bucs for two years!

Unfortunately, the Bears also announced that they have no plans to pursue Ayanbadejo, so we'll see if the Bears have some mast plan (if any) on what to do with the money surplus.

My guess? Re-negotiate contracts with Harris, Urlacher and Hester, and spend the rest of the offseason planning for the draft.

Lord help us if we don't get an offensive lineman...

Favre Retires

After 17 seasons of torturing the Bears, Brett Favre has announced his (likely official this time) retirement.

Ahem:

YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYEYES!!!

THANK YOU LORD FOR GETTING FAVRE OUT OF OUR DIVISION!

WE PRAYED AND HOPED AND PRAYED SOME MORE, BUT YOU FINALLY GRANTED OUR WISHES!

More importantly, this means that there's only ONE "Favre-esque" player in the league:


And he's all ours...(sob)...

Oh.....So THAT'S what he said...

It is right around this time of year that I really start getting pumped for baseball. Sure the season usually ends with severe disappointment, then followed by depression and longing for the season past. But right now, the proverbial world is our proverbial oyster. For us Cubs fans, this is what we dream about: the chance to start each season anew. What better way to celebrate the dawning of a new season, than with unbridled, blood curdling furious rage and anger...in a foreign language.

Are you fucking kidding me?

This is from the reputable folks at Scouts, Inc:

14. Chicago Bears -- Rashard Mendenhall, RB, IllinoisRecord: 7-9 Needs: QB, OL, RB, DT, SPrevious mock selection: Brian Brohm, QB, LouisvilleOffensive tackle is certainly a possibility, especially with Clady, Williams and Otah all emerging as solid first-rounds prospects behind Jake Long. However, if Clady and Williams are off the board, don't be surprised if GM Jerry Angelo takes advantage of this year's talented crop of running backs by selecting either Mendenhall or Jonathan Stewart with this pick. Either would provide more explosiveness and versatility than the team has seen from current starter Cedric Benson.

I WAS JOKING!!!

Please don't do this! It was a joke! We don't REALLY want to draft another RB in the first round... please, have mercy, let this be a cruel prank. Oh my god, I am literally sick from reading this. I have diarrhea. Jesus christ this is terrible... Who wrote this stupid fucking article? Todd McShay, eh?

Well, FUCK YOU, you irish sack of shit! Don't you go jinxing our draft with your crazy predictions. Are you insane? Do you realize what drafting this kid would do to our team? The fucking LAST thing we need is ANTOHER OVERPAID RUNNING BACK! GARRRRR!!!! Fuck! Oh yeah, and this will do wonders for Cedric Bensons confidence. Wonders.

FUCK YOU TODD MCSHAY!

Christ, I think i'm bleeding out of my anus. I had better call TPC and reschedule for tonight...

What The Hell Happened To: David Kelton

And the sad part is, he HAS the ball

David Kelton is an interesting case. He's not really that far removed from the majors, and as of this post, he's 29. His story requires a full re-telling. He was a spunky young 3B just trying to make his way to the majors...

And then the Cubs happened.

See, David picked a bad time to join the Cubs. The year was 2002, and the Cubs were in need of a 3B. The Cubs were in the middle of what would become a losing season (they finished 4th), and the door was closing on players like Bill Mueller and Fred McGriff.

Enter Kelton.

The Chicago Tribune, in all of their Cubbitude, decided that a losing season meant the perfect chance to herald Kelton as the messiah. He had hit .313 at AA Tennessee a season earlier, and the Tribune was not about to report on how bad the Cubs were on a daily basis.

Kelton became "the big news." The Tribune ran articles about his progression, about how he would replace any memories of Mark Grace forever, and so on. Kelton was touted as the next big thing, and the answer to all of the Cubs' problems. After enough media coverage, people were clamoring for Kelton in 2003, even though he hadn't even had a full season in AAA.

Unfortunately for Kelton, the Cubs were in "for the love of God, win now" mode, throwing money at their problems. The All-Star Break of 2003 brought the Cubs Aramis Ramirez, and forced Kelton to learn the outfield on short notice. The Cubs brought him up by the end of 2003, but he flopped horribly in his debut.

In 2004, Kelton spent the entire year in Iowa trying to learn how to play LF. Again, Moises Alou was still filling the slot -- Kelton would have no place to play. Luckily for Kelton, he put together a great year in AAA Iowa (hitting .290), and Moises Alou got into a fight with Steve Stone on a plane and the Cubs declined to pick up his option after numerous claims of fighting with umpires.

The Tribune media blitz went into full-swing, and it was Kelton time again. With Alou gone, Kelton could show the world how he was SO GREAT and adapted from 3B to LF in just one season and how he would save the Cubs yet again. Kelton was given the keys in 2005...

...and promptly crashed into the ivy. Kelton had a Brian Anderson-esque average of .254 with an equally pathetic OBP of .254. His fielding was shoddy at best, and the whole thing turned into a disaster. The Tribune, quick with the hype machine, pronounced Matt Murton as the next savior, and the spotlight promptly left Kelton, who was unceremoniously dumped.

He was picked up by Atlanta for the 2006 season.

What the hell happened to David Kelton?

David was cut by Atlanta halfway through the 2006 season and decided to hang up his cleats. The game had not been "very very good to him" like certain ex-Cubs outfielders, and he decided that he was done with the game.

Most recently, Kelton decided to go to his wife's hometown, and was spotted at her alma mater serving as the Springwood Wildcats Heard Varsity Coach for the 2007 season.

He is still coaching to this day.

More Bears FA's

Keggers just made some Coldstone Creamery in his pants

Lost in all of the Briggs and Berrian news is that Brendon Ayanbadejo is ALSO a Free Agent. In a year where Urlacher (despite claims) may NOT be 100%, we can't just leave the entire defense to Briggs.

Ayanbadejo is best known because of his work with brother (and steroid abuser) Femi at www.brotherup.com, where the two of them wander around shirtless (it's no wonder Keggers found this first). Ayanbadejo also may have done some other things like make the Pro Bowl last year, but that's hardly of importance around here. These are two young guys that are allergic to any fabric on their chests.

You can't make this stuff up.

Here are some images of these two men at work that are sure to keep Keggers "hard" at work:

Grrr...sand....

These hoods aren't for the KKK -- we're with the Gay Gay Gay.

Taking a break from the McDonald's deep-fryer for a quick photo-op

Someone get that chick out of the frame -- she's ruining the vibe!

I Wish I Could Quit You

Clown hair is where it's at

I've been a huge Brian Anderson supporter since day one. It's not just that he's the only legit CF that the Sox have, but it's also that he's good at what he does. Anderson is a great fielder, and he's really a great hitter.

And it pains me to see him succeed like this.

See, Anderson has been tearing it up in Spring Training. He's gotten at least one hit in every game, and has been on par with Alexei Ramirez in terms of eye-catching. Lots of good contact, and he's turning heads.

Problem is, Anderson is fighting for a backup spot. The Sox committed themselves to Ramirez (who has practically won the 2B job) and Carlos Quentin, and they're not about to let some 2006 failure take those spots away from them. The outfield is packed, really. They have Swisher and Dye as locks, and Owens and Quentin are probably the last two slots. Anderson (and Crede) are both expected to be traded, and as good as Anderson is playing, it just makes him more likely to be trade bait.

Anderson can't win here. The better he plays, the more we can get from a trade. If he plays worse, he gets traded for sucking. There's no way Anderson can displace Owens because Owens is the master of the infield hit (which equals Ozzie love). Ozzie loves speed and energy, two things Owens has (along with Ozuna). Anderson is already in the doghouse, and shows signs of becoming the next Joe Borchard.

More importantly, Kenny Williams has his hands full with people he needs to trade before opening day. Uribe, Crede, Day, Macdougal, and Massett will all likely find new homes by the end of March. What more could Anderson do to make himself an attractive toss-in? He's young, full of potential, and about to be someone else's problem.

I'm just hoping he makes the roster as a reserve outfielder so that when Owens has his usual injury at some point, we can use Anderson in CF.

Breaking: Bears Sign Briggs

No Lance, Thank You

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. The Bears just announced a six-year deal for Lance Briggs today, and I couldn't be happier. Briggs is easily the best defensive player on the team (yes, better than Urlacher, I said it), and he's worth every penny. I say "every penny" without a specific amount because this news is so breaking that the terms of the deal haven't been disclosed yet.

Rather than prattle on about Briggs, I'll just let the Bears.com website do it:

"Ranked by most publications as one of the top players on the open market, Briggs will return to the Bears after agreeing to a deal that runs through 2013. The 2003-third-round pick has been selected to the Pro Bowl each of the past three seasons.

In 2007, Briggs ranked second on the Bears with 140 tackles and led the team with 10 tackles-for-loss. The Arizona product also had two sacks, one pass breakup two forced fumbles and one fumble recovery."

I'm pissed about losing Berrian -- it's true. I also wanted the Bears to make a run at Faneca.

Briggs more than makes up for it.

Next on our shopping list: Go get us some offensive linemen!

Bye Bye Berrian

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you use the franchise tag. In one quick move, Berrian is now a Viking, with $16 million guaranteed. What do we get? Nothing.

Had we gone with the non-exclusive tag, we could have signed Berrian for much less than he just made, and traded him to the Raiders for their first round pick. Or even to the Vikings.

Basically, we just got robbed.

They had better be talking to Briggs right now...