Giveaway!

The only nightmare you could have in this bed, is that it's yours...

Do you sleep?

Of course you do.

When was the last time you went shopping for new bed sets?

I bet it's been a while.

That's why we at the Dong would like to offer you a chance to win a fat gift certificate to CSN Stores (the fine company that supplies the aforementioned bedding products). Then you can go online and buy yourself that tonka truck bunkbed you've been eying since you got married...

All you have to do, is send us an email outlining which Chicago players wife or girlfriend you would like to take a nap with and why.

Some inspiration from Kristin Cavallari, Jay Cutler's current fling:

You may remember her from Laguna Beach or The Hills. If you do, then shame on you, that's some terrible television.

-KEG

Rant: Fantasy Football

Time for a rant about fantasy football.

I've been playing fantasy football since 1995. This was the infancy of fantasy sports by most standards and just about everybody (including serious sports fans) had no idea what the fuck fantasy sports meant, and if forced to guess, probably thought it involved Magic cards, slap bracelets or Pogs.

Back in these dark ages, you had to calculate your weekly score by hand from the box scores printed in the newspaper on Monday morning. The waiver wire was determined by whoever called the commissioner first. The only way you could watch your guys play was if you owned someone on a local team and they happened to be on TV or you could catch 5 seconds of highlights on SportsCenter (if you happened to be home when it was on). Most of the time, you drafted and traded based solely on statistics and tiny nuggets of occasionally useful information. Or in some cases, horrible information ("holy shit, Mike Cloud ran a 4.5 at the combine and is going to start behind the awesome KC line next season!").

Times have changed. Dramatically. Nowadays, there are more fantasy football commercials than truck commercials on ESPN. Every male 8-65 has multiple teams in multiple sports. Even my mom knows that Ronnie Brown is an obvious injury risk and that Peyton Manning won't miss a game. There's fantasy golf.

Technology is better (DVR, RedZone, Slingbox) and global access to ridiculously detailed and immediate information is at your fingertips 24/7 (ESPN Insider, Rotoworld, Twitter, local news websites, a billion blogs, etc).

The technology and access have completely leveled the playing field.

Anyone can be a fantasy guru now - just spend enough time reading Matthew Barry or Erik Karabell or Brandon Funston or any of the other ten million PROFESSIONAL fantasy analysts. There are no original ideas anymore. There are no savvy pickups. There are no sleepers. You're told the answers before you even have a chance to think of them yourself and in case you miss some information, Yahoo or any other site will help you automatically draft a team or evaluate trades based on researched point predictions and detailed analysis.

There are 3 major losses due to this evolution of the game:

1) We've lost (or at least significantly reduced the impact of) the token moron.

This was one of my favorite parts about playing fantasy sports. The token moron is the guy who doesn't look at matchups, only recognizes big name players and doesn't follow injury news. He's the guy who drafts Jerry Rice in the first round, four years too late. He's the guy that forgets to draft a TE. He's the guy who never has a strategy and ends up in last place every year. It's almost impossible to be that uninformed today.

2) There is no edge.

It is utterly impossible to have an information edge over anyone else. You can do more homework, scout through (youtube) film, read all the reporting and player news but at the end of the day, some expert will summarize your work into a bullet point telling the world to pick up Tony Moeaki before you've had a chance to do it on your own. I pride myself at being able to spot talent and understand opportunities. These skills are severely neutered by infinite over-analysis. You end up overextending yourself on extreme picks or moves just to try and prove your skills.

Some guy in my league took Finley and Spiller in the 2nd and 3rd round of a 14 team league. Sure, it was a dumb move but why is it fun to draft exactly according to the expert rankings and how else can you possibly prove that you know more than the next guy?

3) No love for your players.

This may be a personal thing but when I picked a guy back in the day, it was much more personal. You got to know a guy through his numbers. You understood what type of player and what type of offense he played in. You made assumptions about draft picks on your own and created strategies. Guessing right on Edgerrin James was much more validating than picking someone like Ryan Mathews is today, when everyone is telling you to do it. It's much harder to separate your own skill from someone else's suggestions. In that way, I don't fall in love with my picks as much as I used to.

Sure I loved having Chris Johnson at #10 last season when he was predicted at #16 (much like Jahvid Best owners feel now) but it's not the same... 10 years ago he might not have even been in the top 20 ranked RB's, since the magazines (which were all pretty much exactly the same) were always printed right after the previous season and rookies were mostly ignored. It's hard to take 100% credit for your own picks, sleepers and strategy. Just like it's hard to respect the guy who auto-drafted and is in first place.

Sure, I sound old and cranky as shit but I miss playing a small niche game that nobody else understood, with a group of diehard football fans and close friends where it was more fun to be right and when being right earned you more respect.

GET OFF MY LAWN.

-Keg

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

Luol Deng on Luol's Dong

It seemed like it was never going to happen, but today was the day, ladies and gentlemen. Luol Deng has signed Luol's Dong. As I expect to be struck down by a lawsuit within the next 72 hours (hey WTTW, we're also defacing Bozo the Clown's likeness on our t-shirts as well - two for one on lawsuits!), it's best to get all of this amazingness out in the open right now.

The day started innocently enough - due to some amazing timing and the incredible help of reader/slave Joseph, we were granted access to the Bulls' autograph session and open practice. The beginning of the day started with Benny the Bull and his best Whitesnake impression (although I didn't catch it on film, he did definitely spread eagle on that van).



Once we got inside, it was a mad dash for Luol Deng. I mean, this guy is CLEARLY the most popular player on a Bulls team that just got Carlos Boozer and already has big names like Joakim Noah and Derrick Rose - it's no wonder that there would be a huge line for Deng (note - it took us approximately 30 seconds from entry to get to Deng's table, and another 2 minutes to get to the front of the line. Sad).

This, ladies and gentlemen, is history:

But wait! How do we know Luol Deng can actually read?! I mean, sure, he went to Duke, but as long as you're either a basketball player or a rapist, you can make it there (note to Duke: want to make it three lawsuits? The more the merrier!). Obviously, this was going to require a little more work.

Next was John Lucas III and Kyle Weaver:

There was only one other signature on that shirt - of COURSE we got Luol to sign it! What, you think that we just wanted to get more autographs and made a dash to the shortest line (note: sorry guys, but you just don't have as much draw as looking at Boozer's fucked up hand - longest line on the 300 level).

But wait, what about the new guys? People that may not be familiar with the Dong need to be initiated proper, and so we go to Brian Scalabrine and Roger Powell:

As Scalabrine says, "That's Terrible." I mean, it's perfectly fine to do an autograph session for courtside tickets and deal with "autograph saturation", but COME ON. I love how he says he's not going to sign it, and then after a headshake, signs it anyways. Love it.

Powell's Signature - GOD BLESS!

By the time we finished with Scalabrine, there would be no more time for autographs...so we did the next best thing and talked to some ushers. There's so much love here...

Yeah, that whole reading thing is hard. Obviously. Here are a few other reactions from the finest folks at the UC:

"Do you guys have business cards?" (Yes, he really asked this)

Proud fans

Clamor and commotion over the Dong

Luol's Dong? I dunno who it is.

So what's the moral here? If you're a new Dong reader, the point is this: we have accomplished what we set out to do. If lawsuits come to destroy us before we can send out T-Shirts to Scalabrine and friends, then so be it. We came, we saw, we were retarded. Vini vidi vitard.

Bears Pregame: Week 5

Career stats: 22TD, 19 INT, 4479 Yards, QB rating: 76.0

Todd Collins reminds me of mix between Cap Rooney from Any Given Sunday and a used car salesman. He's not bad - former 2nd round pick by the Bills and holds a bunch of college records at Michigan - but he's been a career NFL backup and despite a good run for the Skins in '06, has never really impressed on the field. He's been playing marginally for 15 years and at 38, you know he's not going to surprise you with anything.

Carolina has their own problems. 0-4 with losses to the Bucs and Bengals (although they hung tight with the Saints last week), and only scoring 4 TD's in the last 3 weeks. Jimmy Clausen has some promise but right now, he sucks. He's also going to battle with the worst receiving corps in the NFL (without Steve Smith and his gimpy ankle).

I guess Lovie is thinking that we can win with defense. Peppers should be fired up against his old team and Briggs and Urlacher have been elite through 4 weeks. All they can really expect to do is run with DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart (not a bad strategy) but our run defense was ranked #1 in the NFL until last week (now #6) and we can stack the box all day.

If Collins struggles, I think we'll see Caleb Hanie. Unlike Collins, Hanie was an undrafted FA and didn't play at a major collegiate program (CO State). He looked sharp last week (comparatively) and we've been grooming him for a while... would love to see what he can do out there. Hopefully, we're up by 20+ in the 4th and we can test him out with minimal pressure.

End result: Bears 24, Carolina 7.

Some other random predictions:

David Garrard has a big week.

Zach Miller has another big week.

SF kills Philly

Brett Favre has a small penis. Oh wait. That's not a prediction...

-KEG

3-1 Bitches!

Reason #2315 not to wake a sleepwalker

Look on the bright side - this is as many wins as I thought we'd get on the season. I mean, this isn't a team that screams "potential" and "consistency." This is a team that just screams. Usually in pain.

Seriously, is anyone surprised that Cutler's brains got scrambled? Our offensive line is just a bunch of turnstiles wearing jerseys. When you have a guy who hangs onto the ball like that one fat slow kid who always lost at "Hot Potato", something bad is gonna happen. In this case, Cutler fall down go boom.

Yes, he's concussed. Yes, he's going to throw picks. But he'll be back. Maybe not as willing to dive headfirst for that first down (which is, by the way, totally awesome), but he's still lightyears better than Todd Collins. And I'm pretty sure Collins died on Monday night...maybe not Trent Green style, but he's not going to be speaking coherently for a while yet.

I think Jay Cutler's impostor Twitter feed says it best:

NotJayCutler: Barndon Jercarbs FARMBLES!

Yeah, that sounds fun.

On the flip side, Caleb Hanie, am I right? CALEB FUCKING HANIE. This guy was like "should I get off the field?" after filling in for the since-deceased Collins and completing a 20-yarder to Knox! WTF is wrong with you!? YOU'RE A GOD AMONG MEN. If we had, like, three more snaps to judge against, I could create a small obsession about you (see: Brian Anderson, Aaron Gray, et al).

Here's to next week.

2-0 Bitches!

Skillz!

Whoo boy, what a game!

If nothing else, this proved that all the good things from last week weren't a one-game fluke: the defense is good, Cutler isn't a disaster and Forte looks like v.2008.

Some new things we learned:

• The Martz/Cutler combo is looking good regardless of the weak O-line.
• Chris Williams is one more injury away from being a huge bust. Might have had that injury today.
• Seems like the Bears don't need to be a go-to receiver: Aromashodu barely saw the field today, Hester came on strong after his 2 catch effort last week and Knox/Olsen have been reliably good.

Some questions remain about the secondary and our running game but this was as big win - and a much more credible win. Yes, the Lions are a lot better this year but it's hard to be impressed with the "win" from last week that we didn't really deserve. Throughly beating the playoff-favorite Cowboys on the road makes a statement.

The most important thing right now is that Cutler looks good. Really good. 5:1 TD/INT ratio, no stupid throws, minimal petulance... I AM EXCITED.

Next week is the Packers.

Ditka doesn't tolerate pussies. Unless of course...

-KEG

Bears win by managing not to lose

Thankfully, Detroit forgot that Megatron is on their team until the end of the game.

I cannot imagine what it must be like to be a Lions fan today. Just brutal. Quick recap: Bears hand the game to the Lions all day but manage to take a 5 point lead with about a minute left. Backup Shaun Hill leads the Lions down the field and throws a jump ball for Calvin Johnson in the end zone that he catches (clearly), while getting both feet down and even lands on his ass with the ball in his hand before putting the ball on the ground to help himself get up. Ref calls it incomplete. Bears win. This is on par with the ridiculous Armando Gallaraga call last month (although that was pretty awful). God, it must suck to be from Detroit.

Needless to say, we escaped with a lucky victory despite the lopsided statistics (total yards: 463-168). A few thoughts/notes:

Cutler looked OK - lucky 80 yard TD pass on a screen to Forte and an awful decision on his INT. Fumble was normal, not particularly careless. Otherwise, pretty solid - made the throws he needed to make down the stretch including a few big 3rd down conversions and the game winner to Forte. Also moved well in the pocket to avoid pressure. The Lions have an underrated defensive front and secondary, so I thought he played pretty well overall.

Forte looks like he got his 2008 speed back. Big game. He'll mesh well with Chester Taylor, who is still the best 3rd down back in the NFL (great blocker, can catch well and is very situationally aware).

Bears WR's were all good but someone needs to step up and be a threat. My guess is that it'll be Knox (speed) over Aromashodu (size). We'll have to wait and see. Hester looks like a non-factor.

Bears D was awesome. The 14 points came from turnovers (which were brutal) but in all, Peppers looks like a beast and makes everyone else look better too. He forces the QB back to the middle where Harris, Briggs and Urlacher can destroy him. Also takes some pressure off the secondary (our weakest link) by bringing crazy pressure. He nearly killed Matt Stafford. Dude might be out for 6 weeks with a destroyed shoulder.

The Lions D is very clearly divided into 2 parts: the D-line and secondary (awesome) and the LB's (awful). Delmas is a stud, Suh is a stud and they all hit really hard. Glad none of our WR's got injured today.

If I can say one thing to cheer up the Lions fans, it's that Shaun Hill is not a pushover. This is the same guy that won a lot of games for the 49ers and kept getting replaced by younger less proven guys because of management agenda. He reminds me of Jim Miller mixed with Kyle Orton - not pretty but those two guys won a shitload of games in the NFL.

Well, not a sexy start to the season, but 1-0 is all that matters. Next week is at Dallas. I'm watching the Cowboys/Skins game right now... Boys are looking pretty good. However, if I was Tony Romo, I wouldn't be sleeping so well this week.

-KEG

Reassembling the 1990's Cleveland Indians

As you have no doubt heard, the White Sox have acquired Manny Ramirez. Normally this would be exciting because we are in the midst of a pennant race, but no, the REAL reason this is exciting is because it puts Reinsdorf one step closer to his ultimate goal:

Reassembling the 1990's Cleveland Indians.

Sure, that sound silly - putting together all the elements from a 15-year-old team? Well, it sounded silly until you thought about this:

Position - Player (Played for the Sox in...)
C - Sandy Alomar (2001-2004)
1B - Jim Thome (2006-2009)
2B - Roberto Alomar (2003-2004)
SS - Omar Vizquel (2010 - )
3B - Herbert Perry (2000-2001)
LF - Albert Belle (1997-1998)
CF - Kenny Lofton (2002)
RF - Manny Ramirez (2010 - )
DH - Wil Cordero (1998 )

That is flat-out frightening. Think about that - we have, at one point in time, held the ENTIRE STARTING LINEUP of Indians players from over 10 years ago. AND WE'RE STILL GOING!

Having completed his prized collection of offensive Indians, the race is on to populate the pitching staff. We got off to a good start with Bartolo Colon, Jaime Navarro and Jason Bere, but there's more to be had!

And now for a moment of optimism

See this guy? This man has pitched a perfect game, a no-hitter, and led us to a world series. He has been won of the most successful White Sox starters of all time. And for the ultimate indicator of how good the Sox pitching will be in 2010?

He will be our 5th starter next season.

That probably sounds completely insane to most of you, and you may be right. But when you think about it in terms of talent, performance, and youth, you wind up with a rotation that looks something like this for 2010:

#1. Peavy
#2. Floyd
#3. Jackson
#4. Danks
#5. Buerhle

You can't argue that Peavy is the ace - regardless of his health issues, he has a ginormous contract and he has proven himself in the past. If he comes back healthy, he is the staff ace. Floyd and Jackson have been downright filthy this year, with Jackson being yet another magic trick by Don Cooper. Danks got off to a great start this year, and still has the lowest starting ERA on the staff, but just hasn't been as dominant as Floyd and Jackson. And that leaves just one White Sox starter with the "high" ERA of 3.93 (!) this year as the odd man out.

Holy shit is our rotation going to be awesome next year.

In other news, our bullpen will be completely fucked as both Jenks and Putz will no longer be with the club. Oh well. A man can dream...

Furniture?

Let's talk about kitchen tables for a minute.

I know what you're thinking - "Hey, you guys are a sports blog! In Chicago! And you come back from a hiatus with THIS?!" Yes, you feel somewhat betrayed that despite not posting in weeks, the best I can do is come back to you with a discussion about kitchen tables.

What would you prefer I talk about? That Lou Pinella poisoned his own mother to get out of coaching the Cubs? That the Sox are currently in the midst of a tailspin? That Jay Cutler was voted the QB most likely to get injured due to the awful line and Martz system?

Yeah I didn't think so, so let's talk about kitchen tables instead.

Y'see, the good folks at CSN promotions were kind enough to allow a giveaway. A little "somethin somethin" if you get my drift. They do furniture. They want to give you a coupon for said furniture. As such, I propose a contest to determine who wins.

Send an email to our address (you shouldn't get past this part if you can't figure out how to email us) with which Chicago sports player you would like to eat for breakfast at the kitchen table and why.

Best entry will win. Good luck, and I already call dibs on eating Nancy Faust. She's high in roughage!