Slander!!

Watchu talkin 'bout willis...

Football tough guy Brian Urlacher dresses his son in pink Cinderella diapers and paints the 3-year-old's toenails blue, the child's mother charged in Will County court Tuesday. The mother, Tyna Robertson, threatened to block Urlacher from seeing the boy if the beefy linebacker keeps it up. Urlacher's attorney, Anita Ventrelli, filed a motion trying to stop Robertson from keeping 3-year-old Kennedy away from Urlacher. Robertson, in court for a hearing on the motion, said she would allow the visitation, as long as Urlacher puts away the Bears-blue nail polish and puts their son in gender appropriate pull-up diapers. After the hearing, Robertson claimed her son has become confused by the toenail panting and wearing pull-ups designed for little girls. "He pulls down his pants and says, 'Mommy, look how pretty they are,' " she said. Robertson also said Kennedy told her, "Big boys paint their nails," and said he refused to take a bath for two days to keep the blue polish on his nails from washing off. "He'd say, 'Mommy, I don't want to get my nails wet. I don't want to mess them up,'" she said. "It took two hours to get him in the bath." Robertson said her pleas to Urlacher to get him to cease the toenail painting and Cinderella diapering went unheeded. "He says he can do whatever he wants," Robertson said. "[Urlacher said], 'It doesn't make him feminine. It doesn't make him gay.' She said, "You're confusing him, if he's a boy or a girl." Asked to comment on the toenail and diaper claims, Ventrelli shot back, "Typical Tyna, talking to the press, as in virtually every other instance." He declined further comment. (http://www.fannation.com/truth_and_rumors/view/78992)

What kind of bullshit is this? Look lady, if you want to get paid more for child support, at least put some effort into making up a believable story like "he's hung like a moose and I can't take it" or "he forces our 3 year old son to wear Old Spice and tackle random strangers."

This is cleary taken out of context. Sure, maybe Urlacher paints his kids toenails Bears Blue. That's cool, no big deal, kind of like a fan who paints his whole body blue. Whatever... not gay, possibly awesome. Now, the diapers confused me at first, but then I realized what's going on - Brian Urlacher is a man-beast. The only way he knows how to discipline is to maim, cripple and/or destroy. I'm sure someone gave him this idea about punishing the kid with having to wear pink diapers - ultimate shame in the presense of such manliness.  

Regardless, this slander must not tarnish the living legend. His ex is clearly just trying to get some press and misses the beef. Urlacher is the epitome of testosterone and his kid would have to have 6 or 7 X chromosomes to offset his manliness. Stop dragging the kid into your sad life, you filthy whore.

Sidenote: Urlacher could easily be Bruce Willis' son:

"You should have heard your brother squeal when I broke his fucking neck."

-Thanks to ShaimsterMcRaim for the tip

Shedding Some Light

Not quite the sparkplug we were looking for

So, remember that earlier speculation about why Nick Swisher was unceremoniously dumped? It looks like the real culprit was Swisher's "attitude" towards the end of the season. Yeah, hitting .191 in the second half is a serious attitude problem.

Was he a bad influence on the clubhouse?

"You've got to ask the players about that," Guillen said. "To be honest with you, I was not happy with the way he was reacting at the end of the season. He wasn't helping me either."

"It was hard because when we brought him here, a lot of people were excited (that) he would have a great career with the White Sox," Guillen said. "But we got to the point that we went through the roster ... and we had a right fielder, left fielder, first baseman and DH. It was hard for us to find a place for him."

I was really expecting more vitriol from Ozzie, but I guess he sorta mellows out in the first months after the season ends.

In other news, a LOT of trade rumors with the Sox involving the Mets, Rays, and even the Reds. They include (but are not limited to), Jermaine Dye, Bobby Jenks, and of course, Javy Vazquez. More on this when something legit develops, but I would not be entirely surprised to see Jermaine Dye take a ticket out of town as part of a youth movement (Homer Bailey from the Reds, or Edwin Jackson from the Rays, knowing KW).

Here's hoping that rumor of Vazquez for the Mets' Pelfrey materializes.

Do Not Get Excited

Hey Kid!

So, the Bears seemed to have everything under control on Sunday. Orton was back to making every pass look easy, Forte ran for over 100 yards, and the defense was nearly unstoppable.

...against the Rams.

Playing against the Rams is like playing against a pee-wee football team. You can employ all sorts of tactics that wouldn't work in a real game, such as the classic "yell real loud and get them all scared," or "put your hand on their head as they run towards you, stopping them in their tracks as they hilariously flail their arms." The Rams just aren't a fair gauge of what works and what doesn't work.

The Bears could have done whatever they wanted on Sunday and gotten a win out of it. Our "new" defensive scheme isn't some sort of perfection incarnate - it's that the Rams have no offensive line so every play turns out like a blitz for the poor sap at QB. All those great blocks and picks by our secondary? Yeah, Trent Green really strikes fear into the hearts of man. He got benched for the 3rd string QB (who, remarkably, tore us to shreds on a quick drive downfield).

On offense, Orton was able to make those throws because he had all day to set them up. I don't think Kyle got hurried more than once. So give the line credit, right? I think John St. Clair's excess fat could have been planted in the turf and it would have held at both guard positions. The Rams are really just that awful - on the field, and with their coaching.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love the Bears. I'm happy we won. We "earned" it. But I don't want anyone else buying into that "the season starts now" bullshit. We got lucky to play a team as shitty as the Rams, and we didn't lose. With the Vikings coming up next week, I sense a more than humbling experience...

Go Bears.

Giveaway: Surviving History

We love the History Channel, and the History Channel loves us.

I really can't think of a better DVD set for a Chicago sports fan. This is a 3-disc set discussing all of the older torture/death mechanisms in history. We're talking about the well known historical misery inducers - the guillotine, the iron maiden, and the Cubs. There's also some stranger ones on there, like the Shame Flute. I mean, what the hell is a "shame flute?" Well, if you sucked at your instrument, they made you wear this thing around your neck and then jammed your fingers into it so you couldn't play...and then they heckled you.

When I think of torture, I can't think of a more sympathetic town than Chicago. Barring the Bulls of the Jordan era and the 2005 WS win for the White Sox, the last 50 years have been pretty bad around here. The Hawks haven't won it all since Wirtz took over (and subsequently died), the Bulls haven't come close since Jordan left, and so on.

Worst of all, each one of the Chicago team leads you into believing that, OK, maybe THIS is the year we can get something done. And then they choke (see: Cubs, Fire, soon-to-be Bears). Needless to say, these DVDs understand your pain, and can give you other ways to wish for death aside from living here.

TO WIN: Tell us your most torturous moment being a Chicago sports fan. Comment on this post, or E-Mail your entries to GepettoZHog@gmail.com. Winners will be announced later this week.

More Fat People!

Dayan Viciedo, Age 13. 228 lbs.

While it's not 100% official, it is safe to say that the Sox have signed super-Cuban prospect Dayan Viciedo! To make a long story short, this kid is "the new guy" for the White Sox. Keep those Cubans coming!

Dayan Vicideo comes from Cuba, is getting paid $11 million at just 19 years old for a six year contract, and is supposedly one of the best Cuban prospects...ever. The White Sox will likely employ Viciedo at 3B...blah blah blah. That's not interesting! That's just a bunch of data spewed out by normal reporters! As you all know, we are hardly normal - that's why you come here.

Here's what you really need to know about the kid:

#1. He is FAT. Like the "holy shit you made it to America only because fat floats" kinda fat. At 19, he weighs more than 230 pounds. There's talk that his weight has ballooned recently, and that he's "getting out of shape" because he's unmotivated. If he's getting fat, that's on track to make Mo Vaughn look like Alexei Ramirez. I cannot wait to see the hot dog eating contest between him and Bobby Jenks. It's gonna be wild.

Will this affect his ability to field? Well, the whole "can't clap my hands over my stomach" thing seems to be working out for Miguel Cabrera, so we'll just have to wait and see.

#2. He supposedly has a cannon arm, and can field 3B, SS and OF. This is a good thing, and will make him all the more valuable for inheriting Juan Uribe's spot at 3B. After all, Uribe was just some fat utility guy with a cannon arm and...uh oh...

#3. He has pop in the bat. Like, serious pop. That's about all I can say because information is pretty damned scarce at this time (or not in English). Babelfish tells me that "Viciedo ball striking with beauty down grassed plains." Unless Viciedo is wearing a dress, I have no clue what the hell that means. I would say it's safe to assume that Viciedo first lures the ball into his own personal orbit before slingshotting it out of the park. At 16, he hit .337 with 16 HR. Yeah, that says something when some of your oppponents haven't even hit puberty yet and you're just using the inertia of your fat to pound the ball.

#4. Viciedo is probably going to make the Opening Day roster. Yes, he's young. Yes, he's unseasoned. However, much like Alexei before him, Viciedo is going surprise and earn a roster spot. I mean, really, who is going to compete with him? Josh Fields is a crappier version of the current Viciedo, and Dayan has a much higher ceiling. If Viciedo puts in a good showing, I wouldn't be surprised if Fields gets traded.

#5. He has all the support from established...Cubans. You know, it doesn't mean shit to me when someone endorses how good Viciedo is if they're his agent (Jaime Torres) or someone who is represented by Torres (Alexei Ramirez, Jose Contreras). This tells me nothing, other than that you're a ring of protection among one another. This practically garauntees that any new Torres/Cuban prospect is looking at the South Side in the future, but how the hell can we trust any of you if no one that speaks English knows if the kid is any good?

#6. His name is actually Dayán Viciedo Pérez. See those accent marks? Forget about it. I'm not going to look for the two freaky-ass accent marks every time I want to write about him. He should consider himself lucky I didn't just abbreviate his name to "Evita" or "VD" ...although there's time for that later.

#7. I'm not sold on him. This has bust written all over it. Kid is good at making contact, but is putting on massive weight. Can drive the ball with power, but can't run the goddamned bases because his chubby legs rub together making that sound like when you run your hand along saran wrap. I'm sensing a lot of strikeouts, and a lot of "let's swing for the fences." Unlike Ramirez, who is getting paid less and has the speed to be versatile all around, Viciedo seems very very one dimensional. I'm envisioning an unproven Paul Konerko playing third base. This strikes me as especially bad when you consider how he does NOT fit into future plans of "let's stop relying on the long ball and try and get the job done with speed and clutch hits." This kid IS the long ball.

Unlikely

"Scarecrow, I'll miss you most of all!"

Somewhere along the line, the Mets lost their closer and started hunting for a capable body to put there. With a bevy of available Free Agent talent such as K-Rod or Fuentes, it would seem silly for the Mets, rich with money, to try and make a trade for a proven player.

And yet, here we are.

Really. Omar trading for big bad Bobby? What the hell can the Mets possibly offer us? We always like to think that we're in the playoff hunt with KW's perpetual "compete now" motto, so it seems unlikely that we would trade the anchor of our perpetually weak bullpen. If we do trade Jenks, you had better believe that it would be to get something else to "compete now."

If I'm the White Sox, I'm thinking either a starting 3B, or CF. Seeing as those two positions are occupied by big names Carlos Beltran and David Wright, I can't see that happening. Maybe Daniel Murphy, their young 3B, but who dumps talent like that? Stupid.

Expect the Mets to sign K-Rod to a three-year deal with lots of incentivies for future years. He'll mow down the pitiful NL, even in his current "less than 100%" form, and everyone will be happy.

And we'll keep Bobby, thanks.

Cubs Decision Making Less Impaired With Each Passing Day

"Oh yeah, Ryan...that feels great...finish me off, pal..."

For some reason, players are expressing loyalty to return to the Cubs. Not only that, but they are expressing a desire to return to a team with a "storied history" for a discount! On Tuesday, Ryan Dempster signed a 4-year contract to return to the equivalent of baseball purgatory - at a discount.

How much of a discount, you ask?

Dempster technically signed a $52 million contract, but he could easily make far less than that. Throwing his signing bonus into next year's salary, Dempster earns $12 mil in 2009, 1$2.5 mil in 2010 and $13.5 mil in 2011 with an option for $14 mil in 2012.

To put that in perspective, Buehrle's extension (signed in 2007, when players were slightly cheaper) gives him $14 million for all four years (more than Dempster makes in any year), no trade rights in 2008 (something Dempster does not have) and a clause that if he does get traded, his salary bumps to $15 million a year and adds a year to the contract (keep dreaming, Ryan).

Now, I'm not saying that Dempster is a better or worse pitcher than Buehrle, but I am saying that they have had close enough numbers where their contracts would be indicative of their value (Buerhle has plenty of "implode in the second half" seasons). For a guy who posted the best season of his career - and as a starter, no less - the Cubs definately got a relatively safe passage.

For the Cubs' sake. let's hope his career path doesn't mimic Carl Pavano's.

Guess Who Won't Be Buying the Cubs?

Cubs or hookers...Cubs or hookers...

Mark Cuban, accused of insider trading (with Mamma.com of all websites! How could you!?), will likely not be buying the Cubs any time soon. Aside from the $750,000 that he likely saved by selling off all of his stock early, he likely will have to pay many millions in the resulting civil suit. For a man with a net worth of $2 billion, that's a rather sizeable chunk of change. However hilarious that this may be (and I especially love Cuban's blog post), I don't give a rat's ass about Mark Cuban's finances.

What I do care about is if Cuban is still going to be a front-runner to purchase the Cubs. As of this precise second, I have two quick reasons that say "NO."

#1. Moneeeeeeh. Aside from all the money Cuban is going to lose for "damages," the economy is in the shitter as well. This is HARDLY a buyer's market, and Sam Zell wants to get every penny...including the ones that they threw at Kosuke Fukudome to warm the bench.

#2. Selig. Bud Selig spent the last few years trying to wipe away the shitstain on baseball that is steroids. After some careful work (investigations, upped steroid rules, blackballed Barry Bonds), the mess is "mostly" behind us. Still, that was a lot of work just because one thing slipped through the cracks. I really don't think Selig is in a hurry to bring in an owner with the possibility of illegal activity - and he does have the power to vote against him as an owner.

Cuban would really have been a good fit for the Cubs - deep pockets, cares about winning, and is a "man of the people." Hell, I'll bet he would have even found a way to force Nowitzki to play in right field. Not only would he have been a face on a franchise that has long been "faceless," but he would probably have given Chicago fans the vitriol we secretly crave.

Alas. He coulda been a contendah.

Sigh...

The image really says it all.

Orton never took a downfield shot after taking that hit to the back of the leg, leaving the Bears to try and manage using only the short game. Forte worked as a runner and receiver, but we ultimately got too many short gains that left us wanting more. Hell, we put in Grossman! Do you have any idea what kind of strain it takes to put in Grossman!?

On the flip side, we couldn't stop the run (giving up 5 YPC total, not just to Ryan Grant), and let Aaron Rodgers have his way with us with quick, accurate passing. The holes in our defense only look smaller when the offense is getting the job done. When the Bears are trailing, the whole "one-dimensional" defense thing just gives opponents more options.

Yes, the fumble by Orton and other "big" plays hurt as well, but thoa

Speechless

What. The. Fuck.

Ryan Grant read my post last week, called me up yesterday and told me he was going to shit on my face. Then I spoke to Lance, Tommie and Brian who reassured me that they could stop Grant even if they also had to carry a truck tire and wear 50 pound cleats.

I don't even know how to recap this game. I stopped watching halfway through the 4th quarter because I was concerned for those around me. This was a total shitshow on both sides of the ball and worst of all, we looked completely uninspired. This was a HUGE game- we win and we pretty much lock up a playoff spot and leave the Pack and Vikings to duke it out for scraps. Now we're in a three way tie with 2 much-hotter-than-us teams.

Sidenotes: Aaron Kampman is a cum-guzzling shitstain. I fart stronger than our pass rush. Corey Graham is better than Nathan Vasher. And Pex, if you're reading this, I hope the Packers lose to the Jets in the superbowl after Aaron "The Nose" Rodgers throws a pick and TJones catches a game winning screen pass from Brett Favre to seal the game and give me an upset fantasy victory over your not-quite-threepeating queefsquad.

We can all dream.

KEG