Cheer up!

Slow day here at the Dong...

Nothing to cheer you up like a little MJ highlight reel. Gotta give him credit, he managed to keep the 'stash looking cool for 20 years. Some people can't handle the power that comes with a true stash. I have a friend for example, let's call him Axel, who couldn't last 5 minutes with a powerful stash and had to shave it off in an airport bathroom.

I can only imagine the ridiculous number of chicks hanging on Jordan's beef now that he's a single man and goes out partying with Chuck Oakley and CB. Maybe that's why Barkley seems so tired every time he's on the air...

What The Hell Happened To: Jack Haley

"I'm doing something! I'm really doing something!"

Where would the championship bulls run of 1996 be without Jack Haley, AKA Rodman's babysitter? The guy was a CRITICAL player for the squad, as he played in exactly one game the entire season with the Bulls. Not only was it a regular season blowout game, but he scored exactly ONE point after MJ had already put up 50.

Quote Haley: ""One day I'll be able to tell my grandchildren that Michael Jordan and I scored 51 points together."

Classy. I like this guy.

After the 95-96 season, though, Haley's career took a wild spin. Rodman was trying to marry himself in Europe, meaning that Haley had no purpose on the team. He was subsequently released.

So what the hell happened to Jack Haley?

After the '96 season, he did what any person trained to be another face on the team would do - he became an extra in film. Haley had done a little acting in a little known 70's TV series called "Rolling Man," and used his serious street cred of playing "Clifford McAfee" to get his new career jumpstarted. His first big gig was appearing in Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator" music video as "uncredited shocked passerby #16." Haley became good friends with the band, and it is rumored that Haley and Tyler once snorted the deteriorating knee cartilage of Bill Cartwright.

Using his other unique talent -- watching black people perform -- Haley starred in such blockbusters as "Rebound" (the Martin Lawerence movie), "Eddie" (the Whoopi Goldberg basketball movie) and two separate Jordan biographies that all tested his acting chops with the demanding role of playing himself.

Finally, Haley joined the Fox network as a broadcasting assistant in 2000 and has been there ever since. He has been seen licking the testicles of the Jordan Statue outside the United Center at every home game, and muttering nonsensical phrases like "take me back, baby. I'm so sorry."

Always Bet on Black

Looking sexy in the black uni’s

Bulls beat half of the Wizards, 95-84.

Aaron Gray dropped 10/10/5 in under 30 minutes, looking sleek and smooth as he somehow managed to put the round orange thing in the basket between falling down and needing breathers.

It was obvious after the game…

Aaron Gray is the future of this franchise.

Obviously, it would be easy to say, “oh we should definitely deal Deng, Gordon, Hinrich and maybe Thomas for a solid guard that can feed Gray in the low post”. And it would allow us to trade Wallace, because we have a dominant center, and could get out of that stupid contract. This is such a great situation for us, knowing that we have the next great big center after Shaq and Duncan and someone who can rival Dwight Howard for the next decade. I’m not even sure who I’d rather have, tell you the truth. The only issue is Gray’s stamina (apparently, he needed oxygen after the first 13 minutes on the court) but I’m sure he can work on his conditioning.

"You get a little tired, but when the game's on the line like that, the last thing you want to do is let your teammates down," Gray said.

Did someone say team captain?

In response to a reporter’s question about whether he likes to pitch or receive, Gray answered: "I kind of just take what they give me," just as elusive off the court as on it. This might be our best draft in years!

Hey you guys!!!

Update!!

Pro Bowl

So, the Pro Bowl votes have been "counted" (does anyone believe this is legit?) and despite our shitty season, the Bears are sending 4 beasts, all on D and special teams.

Tommie Harris, Brendon Ayanbadejo, Lance Briggs and obviously Devon Hester.

A solid group and I definitely agree with Briggs over Urlacher (Briggs has been our best player this season). Ayanbadejo is awesome (not to be confused with his roiding younger brother Obefami who we cut last year) although I wish we could use him more in a normal defensive set instead of just on special teams.

I thought Gould and Kruetz had a chance but… not to be.

While perusing the internet, I found the most amazing thing ever. Apparently, the Ayanbadejo brothers have their own website with a weekly video updating the world on their off-field exploits. You’ve gotta see this to believe it: (http://www.brotherup.com/).

A few observations:

-They’re obviously both on the same batch of roids.
-I can’t stop laughing
-Make sure to check out the link to their myspace page too. It's very amusing.

-The chick in the video has a nice rack

Enjoy.

The baby(sat) Bulls

Enough of this shit. It's been four years that this nucleus has been together.

They're not "young" anymore. They're not "inexperienced" anymore. They're also not "good" anymore, either.

At what point do you blow this thing up (AGAIN!?!)? Even if the Bulls somehow manage to turn things around and match their win total from last year, what type of winning team would that be? Every year they suck in the first half, and somehow flip the "on" switch in the second half. I think Skiles had his chance; there's only so much of a balding, whiny curmudgeon that a team can take. We have so much talent and they are consistently unmotivated....

But where to from here? Paxson clearly is thinking like the TPC in this scenario, where he thinks all of his players are better than all the other team's players and hence reluctant to make a move. Get over it, Pax - your malnourished, white toothed Sudanese refugee is NOT BETTER than Kobe Bryant. I am sick of rebuilding every four years. Where is our superstar? The spurs have had the same nucleus forever and just keep getting better, but they've had awesome big men. So here's our solution:



Who needs Ben Wallace when you have all 7 foot 1, 271 pounds of pure basketball bliss known as Aaron Gray?

Weekend at Berrian's

"Making catches look easy since 2004"

I like Bernard Berrian. He's fast, can make great plays, and ultimately provides a safety net for Grossman's deep balls (that came out wrong). In the Grossman offense, Berrian is a necessary component. Rex heaves the short balls to Clark, the short-middle to Moose, and everything else to Berrian.

Interestingly, Berrian is a FA at the end of this season. He's on pace for 80 catches and almost 1,100 yards -- big numbers for a Bears receiver, and certainly worthy of the big bucks. In a Grossman offense, he's worth every penny.

Let someone else pay for him.

Call me crazy, but I don't think that retaining Berrian is going to help improve this team -- especially with Grossman on the way out. Hester has shown that he's an explosive offensive force, and he's faster than Berrian. Let him run those streaks with Rasheid Davis. Incorporate Mushin Muhammad into the offense more -- you know, that guy we signed for a huge contract not too long ago? Let's get our money's worth.

As a matter of fact, that style of offense can work. Look at Berrian's numbers when Griese was at the helm -- average of 5 catches for 60 yards and one touchdown over four weeks. Very solid, but nothing absurd. Moose, on the other hand, averaged 3 catches for 35 yards and almost a touchdown a week -- his only three touchdowns of the season came in that four-week span.

Along with Muhammad, Greg Olsen has put up better numbers without Rex, too. In those four weeks, Olsen averaged 4 catches for 40 yards and a 50% chance of scoring a TD. Again, Olsen's only two touchdowns and best games of the season came during the Griese reign. Even Kyle Orton managed to use Hester more on Monday Night than Grossman did all year (Hester can actually run a route that doesn't involve him running in a straight line like he was shot out of a cannon).

I'm not saying that Berrian is bad. I remember watching when Marcus Robinson and Marty Booker left the team, and I missed them dearly. On the other hand, I really think the rest of the team can flourish with multiple receiving threats instead of one. Berrian's best numbers came with the Sex Cannon, and with Rex likely out of town (or at least riding pine), Berrian becomes expendable.

I'll miss you Bernard -- just don't make the mistake those other guys made and go to Miami -- if you need an idea of how their QB situation has looked, Cade McNown was once on that team too.

Going Long

Since it’s apparently never too early to start looking at the 08 draft, here are the top O-line prospects.

Jake Long OT Michigan
Jeff Otah OT Pittsburgh
Gosder Cherilus OT Boston College
Sam Baker OT USC

Long is going to be a top 5 pick (he’s been a stud at Michigan) and the others will probably be late 1st or early 2nd round picks. I figure if we keep losing, we might have a shot at that massive freak of nature and with Tait still able to walk, we might even be able to play him at RT instead (or move Tait to RT).

Take a look at this pancake loving, cow-tipping honkey:





The dude is massive. Rumor has it that his diet consists of whole eggs, pancakes, trees and small defensive lineman. The guy is just an absolute behemoth, Look at how he dwarfs the other dude in this photo:

Wowzers.

I still say we need to take a hard look at Brohm if we have a chance at him but I think Long could be the real deal. I also promise to walk to Soldier Field and drop a steamy pile of corn-riddled shit on Jerry Angelo’s desk if we draft Darren McFadden. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but I am a man of my word and have been known to store up a good deuce for 2+ weeks when the occasion warrants.

To Root or not to Root that is the question?

(Wiping the tears away)

Now that the Bears season is officially over, there remains one crucial decision for the dedicated fans: To root or not to root?

Fantanking (rooting for your team to lose) has been an issue for hardcore fans ever since the advent of the draft. What do you do when your team is mathematically out of contention? Many fans blatantly express their desire for their teams demise and feel extremely comfortable in doing so because they feel they are helping the franchise in the long run. Personally, I've never felt comfortable rooting against my beloved teams in order to obtain a better draft pick.

Lets go over the bears 1st round drafting history for the last 10 years:

1998- Curtis P. Enis (Bust)
1999- Cade Mcnown (Bust)

2000- Brian Urlacher (Awesome)

2001- David Terell (Bust)
2002- Marc Columbo (Bust)
2003- Michael Haynes (Bust)
2004- Tommie Harris (Awesome)

2005- Cedric Benson (TBD but big bust as of yet)

2006- Daniel Manning (Girls name and has played well)
2007- Greg Olsen (Going to be great)

Additionally many second round picks have panned out better, (Mark "Sack Meast" Anderson and Devin "I'd let him have sex with my bubbie" Hester).

As you can see our 1st round drafting history is not that impressive, and rooting for a bears loss is just too much for me. In my humble opinion, I want the bears to kick ass against the packers and win out the season.

P.S. Is it just me or does Tim Tebow look eerily like Rex Grosssman (Both Romosexuals)

Rextacy, meet Neckstacy

What the hell are they smoking at Purdue?

Let's face it: Kyle Orton with a helmet on is not nearly as entertaining as the Sex Cannon with a helmet on. First of all, you can't even see his neckbeard, and second, he can't throw it downfield like Rex can. Even still, Purdue saw something in Orton that prompted this drawing of a behemoth with a plasma grenade for a throwing hand.

That said, I've decided that Orton is more similar to Samson.

"I take Flintstones vitamins!"

Samson's power came from his hair, and without it, he was weak and powerless. Orton's power comes from his neckbeard being allowed to roam freely, and during the game, it was confined to a tiny little helmet, sapping his true strength.

Even weakened, Orton still had a respectable game. His TD pass was taken away from him (a solid throw at that), and he kept the Bears out of stupid mistakes for as long as he could. Short passes to take pressure off the run game would work if the Bears weren't facing the toughest run D in football. Orton was also the first QB to successfully work at making Hester a legitimate passing threat. Hester has his best game as a WR with 4 catches for 28 yards, and had a few close catches taken away from him (he got knocked out of bounds on a sideline grab).

Also noteable was the way that Orton utilized Peterson, who until then had simply been filling in for Benson. Unlike Cedric the Complainer, Peterson can catch the ball. Orton used him on the screen enough times for Peterson to rack up 8 catches for 51 yards -- probably the best receiving game for a Bears RB this season.

I'm not saying Orton is the answer -- I'm not even saying that Orton is a bonafide QB -- but I will say that he gives the offense a new look that at least forces us to use the short routes.

I wonder if McNabb is paying attention for when he has to do this next year.

I Think That Just About Does It

In perhaps the most disappointing fashion, the Bears 2007 run is over. Disappointing not just because of the loss, but because the defense held strong for nearly the entire game. This D played with more heart and energy than they had showed in any single game all season long. Urlacher looked like Urlacher, Briggs was the beast we know him to be, and we saw clearly why we missed Nathan Vasher so badly these last 10 weeks.

But alas, you cannot win football games on defense alone. Despite his pleas for playing time and to be given a second chance, Kyle Orton is terrible. To paraphrase a great man, 'He is who we thought he was'. The Bears are now left with a ton of work to do this off season. We need a quarterback, and we are going to need to replace some parts on both lines. But before we get into speculation, predictions, trade rumors and wish lists, allow us to mourn what should have been a great season.