Colon stretched

Funny Colon headlines will never get old

In reality, Colon and Contreras DID pitch 20 BP pitches each to minor leaguers. That's gotta count for something, right? Well, it apparently does, as they have one more BP session before pitching one inning apiece for Saturday's game. If that doesn't strike you as batshit crazy that either of them will be ready before the season STARTS, then you're obviously lying.

In other news:

John Danks gets shelled. Nothing to be all that worried about, but Danks had serious trouble with the fastball, and coughed up 6 ER in 2 IP. He's still better than Todd Richie.

Chris Getz hit a three-run inside the park homerun. When was the last time you heard of ANY Sox player that did that? Granted, he had some help when Ben Francisco fell down on the warning track in right, but still - wheels are always nice to have.

Cubs pitching continues to dominate. Seriously, these guys are getting shit done. When you have Marshall and Gaudin fighting for the 5 spot, you're in pretty good shape. Also, Fontenot continues to rake. Fucker.

Cubs win their first game in over a week. Yay?

Kevin Jones is sticking around. 2-year deal for the Ex-Lion means that the Bears aren't going to be looking at the free-agent scrap heap for a complement to Forte (sorry to all the fans who were hoping we would win the Derrick Ward sweepstakes). In other news, Bears are rumored to be making a run at Torry Holt - didn't we learn our lesson with the broken down wideouts (see: Marty Booker). I love Holt, don't get me wrong, but his knee just hasn't been the same in years.

Deng is hurt...really. Looking at about two weeks on the sideline for the Denginator. Seriously, why did we name ourselves after this colossal fuckup? Sheesh.

Shameless Plug

Buy Jim's book!

N.O. to T.O.

Shirtless man for Keggers

Terrell Owens is a free agent. Whoop-de-do. All I've been hearing today is "I hope the Bears get him" and "How good would the Bears be with TO?"

The Bears AREN'T going to get TO, and here's a few good reasons why:

#1. TO's hands are turning to brick. Sure, he's still got great skills, but he would need to be that "first down guy" for the Bears. He drops more passes every season, and he's not getting any better. Seeing as the Bears rarely get the chance to complete a 3rd down because of our highly-predictable offense, having a guy around who may drop the occasionally good Orton pass could be catastrophic.

#2. Orton can't get him the ball. Aside from the fact that TO demands at least 10 pass attempts in his direction per game, Orton just can't get him the ball. The Bears offense is built around the run, and when we DO pass, they're short <20 yard passes. We don't do the deep ball because Orton can't throw it accurately. These things would not make TO a happy camper.

#3. Devin Hester is the deep ball. TO can do all the front lawn sit-ups he wants, but Devin Hester is still the faster player - especially as TO gets older. Seeing as the deep ball would be going towards Hester, that leaves TO with the possession role - not something I'm confident in.

#4. He's still a dick. Let's face it - you don't cut TO because he can't play. You cut him because he's a dick. He is the Manny Ramirez of football. He wants a trade every season, rips on his teammates, and generally causes a media stir wherever he goes. Seeing as the Bears like to stay low-key, I can't see this as a good fit.

#5. Moneymoneymoneymoneymoney. TO wants money, and a fat guaranteed contract to try and opt out of. We don't have that kind of money, nor would we spend it on TO if we did. Let's face it - the Bears have never given out big contracts, and if we did, we probably wouldn't have let Berrian go to the Vikings.

The Real Reason Anyone Cares About Bartolo Colon

He's old, he's fat, he's injury prone, and he has little to nothing in the way of loyalty to a team. Why do we care about him and why do we always try to get him on the team? Good god man, think of the headlines!

Colon battered by Yankees

Overworked Colon triumphs

Bradley beats Colon

Colon experiencing tightness

Trouble ahead for Colon

Colon recovering nicely

Colon looms large

Extra effort pays off for Colon

Colon brings the heat

"I"m having trouble locating," says Colon

Colon comes through in a pinch

Postseason push for Colon

Colon scratched

Colon suffering from soreness

Colon rebounds nicely

Colon feels shitty

Poop.

The Gourmet Dong: Odge's Old Fashioned Red Hots

Hello and welcome to the first installment of The Gourmet Dong, where we'll be taking a look at some of the best places in Chicago to get some delicious, greasy-ass red meat. And by "we" I mean me, since our other contributors can't take part in this excercise for personal reasons.

The first restaurant we'll be reviewing is Odge's Old Fashioned Red Hots, in Chicago's West Town neighborhood. Odge's was first brought to my attention by the guitarist for these guys, who told me that they have the best Polish sausage in Chicago. Now as some of you may know, I'm always interested in a good Polish, and obviously I immediately went out to investigate such a bold claim. On a 1-10 scale, here's how Odge's scored -- "10" being fucking awesome and "1" being like getting food poisoning from Bubbe's spaghetti and meatballs.

Food: 9.0. Every goddamn thing here is at the very least "good," and more often it's absolutely the shit. The Polish is indeed world-class: fried instead of grilled, and with perfectly sweet grilled onions and mustard on it. This Polish will put chest hair on places that aren't your chest, and you may feel compelled to punch a horse in the face like that dude from Blazing Saddles. It's that good.

The fries here are incredible as well, crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside. I've heard good things about the chili, the tamales, and the 1/2 pound burgers too. However, the quarter pounders are of the frozen, comes-from-a-box variety, and aren't anything to write home about.

Ambience: 9.5. The place looks straight out of Maxwell St. circa the 1920s. The building itself is painted red and yellow, and inside you will find framed pictures of legendary Chicago people and places, along with some (really) random artifacts from years past (Jukebox...Schwinn bicycle...Rainbow Brite lunchbox?!?!! WTF) There is also a sign saying that the apartment above the restaurant is for rent, and to ask for Odge. Two thoughts on this: 1) That rules that Odge really exists and still runs the place, and 2) how cool would it be to live there? Smelling the sweet aroma of carmelized onions and frying meat every morning? Waving hello to Odge as he brings in the day's shipment of Vienna sausage? I bet you could get a free meal just by asking about the apartment.

Service: 9.5. These guys aren't fucking around. Orders are taken quickly yet politely (kinda like "firmly but gently"), and no matter what you order, it will probably show up within the next 3 minutes. No, they don't bring it to your booth -- get off your lazy ass and grab it yourself, douchebag. At least you don't have to tip.

Prices: 10. I think a Polish with fries and drink costs something like 4 bucks. The little woman and I ate heartily for a mere $11, and that included 2 bottles of Sprecher's root beer.

Total: 9.5. Odge's is good eats at affordable prices, with a vibe that is so old-school Chicago that you half-expect cops with mustaches to show up and electrocute your nutsack with a car battery. Just thinking about the food there makes me lust for sausage like Rob Halford at a crowded leather bar. Google this fucking place and go there right now.

Um...shit.

And would you just look at the blocking for the running game?

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a serious problem. The Vikings are getting better every year, and filling the few remaining voids on their squad. Last season, the Vikes were kept from greatness due to a shitty QB situation (Gus + Starting = Bad Idea), and not much else. There was hope that their stock would drop in the offseason with the departure of free agents, and yet, here we are.

The last hope for the Vikings to have trouble this year is Matt Birk. If Birk re-signs with the Vikes, they have enough of a line for AP to do what he does best (dominate), and enough time for Rosenfels to give them a relevant passing game. Between Berrian's speed, Shiancoe's size (both below the belt and overall), and Rice's fucked up knees, he'll have more than enough options.

The Vikings defense is absolute murder against the run, and while their secondary isn't close in terms of skill, they still present a respectable force. Their Special Teams is also pretty good (as evidenced last year), AND they managed to re-sign almost all of their free agents (not Birk...yet).

This has gone on long enough - we need to put a stop to this.

If no one here is going to help, I propose Operation Antichrist. It's ingenious, really - simply let Peterson have the ball. Going from his extensive injury history, it's only a matter of carries before he hurts himself. Once he's down, Chester Taylor will be on a limited workload (guy can't quite handle 25 carries a game more than one game a month) and it will be time to strike. Just watch for the pass and blitz mercilessly as Rosenfels struggles to get the ball off.

Or something.

Please.

Mini News - Hot off the press!

#1. Bartolo's Colon and Jose Contreras (combined age of 236) seem to be functioning at normal capacity - this is a good thing. Are we going to see both of them pitch 200+ innings? I don't think so, but a COMBINED 200+ innings isn't an impossibility...

#2. Likewise, Cabrera seems to be going to Oakland. 2nd round pick and sandwich pick, here we come!

#3. Housh on the Seahawks? Seriously? Man, the Eagles are going to be pissed...

#4. Micah Hoffpauir is a goddamned machine. If Spring Training meant anything in the regular season, this guy would be leading every ballot. Instead, he's totally going to be on utility duty this season. Sorry, buddy.

#5. Jay Cutler is not coming to the Bears. Where the hell did that possibility even come from? This story is so ridiculous that I'm not even going to explain WHY it's not going to happen - just trust me on this one. Now, Jake Plummer...

#6. Deng has no stress fracture. Please, continue sucking and playing at half strength. I almost WANT you to miss the time so that Salmons will get more minutes.

#7. Johnny Red Kerr and Stormin Normin - still dead.

Happy Casimir Pulaski Day - Choose Your Caption

BRING ME A DANISH

Shortly before losing his hand, Pulaski put Poland on the map and topped the "double-edged" sword by inventing the "4-way" sword.

My name is Casimir Pulaski. You locked me in a motorcycle, prepare to die.

AUGH! MY BALLS! AUUGGGHH!!!

What the fuck is "Crawford Ave.?"

The inventor of the shit-painted mustache

Forsooth! I desire one of thy Polish Sausages!

Baconbaconbaconbaconbacon...IT'S BACON!!!

The Horrifying Truth

For some of you, Spring Training is a sign that baseball is just around the corner, and that Spring (the season) is in the air. For me, it's a sign that Spring is still a good two months away (fucking Chicago weather), and an indicator of every possible thing that could go wrong. Seriously, if I were a Cubs fan, I would be panicking about how the Cubs were going to cope with Bradley and Harden missing significant time.

Instead, I find myself poring over Dayan Viciedo's numbers and tearing my hair out. How could I be so worried when the kid is hitting? See, Viciedo has a couple of interesting traits that some Sox fans may find all too familiar...and all too scary.

First of all, Viciedo is Cuban. This is not so much troubling because every other person over 100 lbs looks like Dr. Foreman on House, but because we don't know how old Viciedo really IS. The Sox paid a lot of money because he's "young", but the guy is making boatloads more than currently-on-the-roster Alexei Ramirez because of his youth potential. If Viciedo turns out to be, say, 24 (and I wouldn't be all that surprised), that turns into a lot of money down the shitter. Kinda like Juan Uribe, who was supposed to only get better with age, but actually just sorta crapped out after his first season out of Colorado.

Second, Viciedo is overweight. He has been overweight, he is overweight, and he will be overweight. Weight doesn't scare me because of injury - it scares me because of the big swing that comes with it. Giant "screw contact I'm going to swing like Grimce chasing a bumblebee" swings are the sort of thing that kills rallies and results in ugly strikeouts. Likewise, the extra weight kills the speed that was once standout when younger, but now looks like poor baserunning...kinda like Juan Uribe.

Even more interesting is that Viciedo is coming from an advantageous situation where he dominated (AAAA Cuban basebal like Uribe came from Colorado's launchpad) has a cannon arm (like Uribe), does jazz hands after a HR (like Uribe), fields unconventionally (Uribe), got overpaid for proving little (Uribe), will be pushed into a utility role (Uribe), and doesn't have a spot on the team this year (Ur- you get the point). Frankly, that's a whole lot of carry over and coincidence...just enough to get me worried.

I'm not saying that Viciedo will turn into a horribly disappointing fat tub of shit that infests our infield...but I'm not ruling out the possibility either. Keep your fingers crossed.

Weekend News

Fuckin Monday.

Bulls beat the Rockets, Rose finally hits a big shot at the end (he's missed a lot of those, despite having big 4th quarters) and our namesake Mr. Deng might be out for the season with a broken leg.

White Sox beat the Dodgers in spring training, puts em at 3-2 (nobody really cares) but Buehrle got some throws in and Manny was nowhere to be seen. Can't blame the guy for trying to get paid but I wouldn't want him on my team 2-3 years from now either...

Cubs finally lost their first of the preseason, blah blah blah who cares, win something worth a damn, you craptards.

Other news:

Shaq has a twitter feed... it's hilarious.

Matt Cassell and Mike Vrabel were traded to the Chiefs for a second round pick. This doesn't seem to make a lot of sense but if Belicheck pulled the trigger, you can assume Vrabel has some contagious flesh eating disease and Cassell is secretly dying from AIDS. All the other theories are stupid (money? helping Pioli? anyone?). Apparently, he passed on the 12th overall pick...

The Lions and the Raiders improved this offseason (too soon?)

Warren Buffet's Berkshire Hathaway published their Annual Report, Warren is a funny dude... his letter is very readable, even if you don't own shares or you're not too business savvy.

-KEG