Bloomerqueef

Dear two-faced traitor,

Very simply, 0.93%.

Those are the Bears odds of making the playoffs.

Yes, you read that correctly, the Bears have a “chance” at making the playoffs. Sure it would take a whole lot of coincidences and some seriously crazy scenarios but the Bears are not out. And you sir, are a fuckwad.

Sure, there is a time to hope for high draft picks and resting starters but not when there is still hope. Not when Hester can win games by himself. Not when Berrian can make plays. Not when Urlacher still has pride, And not when Kyle Orton is sober.

I hope Brian Urlacher breaks both of AP’s legs. And he fumbles. (That’s -2 fantasy points, right?)

I bet you didn’t even get goosebumps from the picture at the top, you spineless weakling.

Does this do anything for you?

How about this?


This?

(Just making sure you’re still paying attention.)

I will be rooting for the Bears this Sunday. I always root for the Bears.

Check the math (http://www.sportsclubstats.com/NFL/NFC.html)

I Am In So Much Trouble

This post may very well get me not only barred from posting on this wonderful sports weblog, but it may also get me kicked out of any synagogue I try and join in the free world. I am praying to any colored Jesus that the Purple one go buck-fucking-wild against the dogshit Bears tonight. Are the Bears my favorite team? Abso-fucking-lutely. Does my head hurt with a pain rivaled only by menengitis when the Vikings do anything positive, especially against the Bears? You bet your snowy white ass. But I have a huge problem.

Tom Brady, Joseph Addai and the Indy defense decided that for Hannukah they were going to come over to my house and take turns shitting in my bed. While Keggers' squad scored more points in the early games than it had in all 13 weeks of football, my team sucked more dong than Jessica Simpson in the Dallas locker room while her Dad watched with that shit eating grin. As a result, I need Purple Jesus to log 50 points in order for me to move onto the finals. You heard me, with Tom Brady, Joseph Addai (against the FUCKING RAIDERS DEFENSE!!!!) and Indy's defense, I am down 50 points to a team that starts Aaron Stecker and Kevin Jones at running back.

So please, Jesus (Purple or Carpenter). Save me from the 3rd place game. I have dominated all season long, at least give me the pleasure of playing for the title. The Bears aren't going to win, anyway. Neckbeard and a geriatric offensive line are not going to take down that defense. If I have to punch neck in the face all night watching the Bears lose to my least favorite team in football, at least let me capitalize by winning in fantasy.

Plus I saw Keggers out on Saturday and he was drunker than Grossman is going to be watching this one from the sidelines. Man he is sexy. Grossman, not Keggers.

UPDATE: My 4th grade math skills tell me that I need 200 yards and 3 TDs to get the points I need to win. Not completely out of the question, but unlikely enough that I am crapping myself with anticipation right now.

Chicago: Where talent goes to die and worthless, overpaid pieces of crap come home to roost

So this is going to be a mini-series of posts examining why this goddamned city always produces great players AFTER they've left Chicago, while simultaneously bringing back old, worthless and overpaid athletes who are way past their prime. Each week I'll post one player in each scenario.

Elton Brand. What's wrong with a perennial All-Star who will get you a consistent 20 and 10 each night? A lot, according to Jerry Krause. Mr. Donuts decided that a young workhorse in Brand wasn't good enough to build a team around, so he shipped him off. Why, god, why? Brand was and STILL IS what the bulls are missing; a legitimate inside threat. Granted, Brand's been nowhere in terms of team success in the NBA - but you have to figure he'll get there eventually with the right team behind him. Oh, maybe a team that would have looked like this:

F- Brand
F-Artest
C-Brad Miller
G -Hinrich
G - Gordon

not to mention, Deng, Noch, etc

But that's just conjecture, that team never would have actually happened. Naw.

Ben Wallace. You won't be able to get me to shut up while talking about this worthless piece of crap/midget center/heartless, whiny bitch. If you tell me the Bulls were willing to sacrifice offense for defense, then why the hell trade Chandler? Chandler is 10 years younger and 2x better than Wallace is at this stage of his career. Plus we owe him the whole fucking bank.

The guy shows up only when he wants to, only came here for the cash, and is a serious liability on the court at all times. It's like the Bulls are playing analagously to my middle school basketball team when I was on the floor: everyone knew I was there, but no one wanted to pass to me because they knew the ball would wind up nowhere near in the basket.

Blackhawk down

Great ESPN article about the two young stars on the Hawks, Patrick Kane and Jonathon Toews.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/columns/story?columnist=burnside_scott&id=3152371

I had heard buzz about Kane before the draft, but since I’m not reading the Trib (or the piece of shit Sun), I’m not getting a lot of news about these studs. I love when a Chicago team gets young talent, even if we underachieve, because there is always potential. In this case, we’ve got a whole truckload of potential with these kids… Literally, these guys are 19 and drawing a crowd of 2500 people to sign autographs. That’s awesome. Here's Kane and Toews:

It’s like my high school yearbook (minus my dorky haircut and virginity).

I can only hope that unlike the Elton Brand/Ron Artest potential or the Eddy Curry/Tyson Chandler potential that we can keep these guys for a few years and realize some of that ever-elusive potential.

Sidenote: Teams actually PAY for potential. This never ceases to amaze me, as a good team will trade established players for really young, raw talent and go on to lose for the next 3-4 seasons before having to sell out when (if) the players become somewhat consistent. I’m annoyed that we’re going to pay Tyrus Thomas to learn how to play in the NBA and then we’re going to watch him go to some other team and dominate for the next decade in his prime. Shouldn't we be paying for wins? Championships? I understand rebuilding but if you have enough potential on your squad, you should mitigate some of that risk and trade for established players (ie we should have got KG or Kobe).

Bear Down, Chicago Bear(s)

For the first time since 1920, the neckbeard era will be upon us again Monday night. It's probably the most important Bears news of the year, but I think this story is good enough to displace the Orton hype for the day:

Apparently, one of our young Bears studs has been sleeping around with an actress and comedian -- sounds good, right? I'm sure he's been taking her sweet body to town and...

Oh fuck no!

Are you shitting me? There's a person -- let alone a FOOTBALL PLAYER -- that is having sex with Lisa Lampanelli?!

Apparently, on an interview with Howard Stern last week, Lampanelli stated that she had sex with a "young" member of the Chicago Bears. They met up after the Eagles game (he's a big fan of hers), and they drove to a different hotel to test out the Richter Scale.

If this is a new form of rookie hazing, the guys on the Bears should be all-stars by their sophomore season.

According to Lampanelli on the air, it seems that the individual in question is Black, Young, and "Southern."

Going by her interests and the description, I suggest this new Bears rookie was the culprit:

He's dark, southern fried, and probably her biggest friend on the road.

Other possibilities are Trumane McBride (who is married, apparently), Garrett Wolfe, or Kevin Payne.

Either way, I'm still stunned that whoever the culprit is doesn't have a mustard stain where his hot dog used to be.

Flintstones vitamins

How the hell did this steroid abusing animal dodge the Mitchell Report???!!

Not only that, but somehow Sammy has never been clearly implicated in any drug test, clinic visit or BALCO connection. Canseco didn’t even mention Sosa in his book, “Juiced.” The most surprising thing about the Mitchell Report was not anyone on the list but the fact that Sosa escaped mention.

Does anyone really think this guy is clean? Even diehard Cubs fans admit he probably juiced during his 60 HR season in Chicago. He’s dumb enough to get busted for corking his bat, how did he manage to elude Federal investigation??

My theory:

Flintstones vitamins.

These things are fucking NUCLEAR man. Have you ever tried one? They’re absolutely delicious. There is no way these tiny nuggets of goodness contain the ridiculous quantity of vitamins A, C, E, B etc. Impossible. Not to mention the crazy neon color it turns my piss… like traffic-light yellow. It’s awesome.

Either there is some magical property in these “vitamins” that make the roids undetectable or… the vitamins provide him with super human strength. You decide.

P.S. I know you fuckers are going to rip on my PC Paintbrush skills so in advance, you can all go suck a dick.

Mark Prior: A Cubs Obituary

Mark Prior, starting pitcher and team leader in simulated games died (to Cubs fans) yesterday after he passed away for arbitration. The death was announced by Jim Hendry and the causes were noted as a weak arm, vagina and heart.

Mark was best known for his 18-6 record with a 2.43 era in his first full season in 2003, pitching in game 6 of the NLCS and raising the collective hopes of millions of Cubs fans. Unfortunately, Mark was not able to fulfill his promise of greatness- in subsequent years he amassed a pathetic total of 17 wins and frequent trips to the injured reserve list. Given as many chances as possible, Mark was not able to get past the rigors of simulated games, which led to his early demise.

Many reasons have been given for his lack of productivity and repeated visits to the minors. The main culprit is Dusty "my toothpick is bigger than my dick" Baker who worked prior like a Siamese whore at the height of tourist season during the 2003 campaign. This loss, even though expected, has saddened Cubs across the world.

Prior's funeral will be held at Wrigley Field

He is survived by Carlos,Ted,Jason, Rich and Sean.

Hawking a Loogie

I was completely unaware of this, but did you know that the Blackhawks aren’t terrible this year? I mean, they’re not even BAD! 15-13 is a winning record, and in Chicago, that’s grounds for a parade. Between the Bulls and the Bears, I just figured that team records were given in numerical order, but in fact, we just generally have been sucking lately.

I don’t know enough about hockey to claim brilliance, but I just couldn’t resist the chance to write about Chicago winning a game. Any game. I was checking the schedule for the Chicago Fire, for godsake! The Hawks were in the midst of a four-game losing streak before Thursday’s game (that means they were 15-8 before! That’s REALLY good!), so you can imagine my relief that they won a game.

As far as I can tell, we basically sent Tuomo Ruutu to be our goon of the evening, laying out a great hit on Lubomir Visnovski (who or what is a Lubomir?), then kicking the crap out of Brad Smith for no good reason, and he scored anyways. It also helped that Martin Havlat has been sick lately, and he tacked on two goals Thursday. Hell, he’s got 5 goals in 7 games since being a cripple the last 22 games, so something must be working for him.

I guess my one question is, why do people talk about Khabibulin like he’s such a good goalie? I’ve seen lots of good goalies in Chicago, from Belfour to Thibault, and I’m just not impressed by Nicky-boy. He has no shutouts (and only one in the last THREE SEASONS), and while I save percentage of .900 is do-able, he seems to be on the lower end (especially compared with the top tier goalies with a percentage near .930). Likewise, his GAA is almost three – how the hell can you be giving up almost three goals a game and expect to win? It’s a good thing the Hawks offense can put up 6 a game or we’d have some serious problems.

Wow. That was really a whole rant about Hockey! I feel dirty…

Correction

Sosa, Wood, Prior - not even mentioned in the Mitchell report. But Prior is still a gigantic fuckwad.

Anyways, here's the full list:

All the players listed in the section VIII. B.: "Information Regarding Purchases or Use of Performance Enhancing Substances by Players in Major League Baseball" (section 3 is "Radomski¹s Distribution of Performance Enhancing Substances to Major League Baseball Players")
Lenny Dykstra
David Segui
Larry Bigbie
Brian Roberts
Jack Cust
Tim Laker
Josias Manzanillo
Todd Hundley
Mark Carreon
Hal Morris
Matt Franco
Rondell White
Roger Clemens
Andy Pettitte
Chuck Knoblauch
Jason Grimsley
Gregg Zaun
David Justice
F.P. Santangelo
Glenallen Hill
Mo Vaughn
Denny Neagle
Ron Villone
Ryan Franklin
Chris Donnels
Todd Williams
Phil Hiatt
Todd Pratt
Kevin Young
Mike Lansing
Cody McKay
Kent Mercker
Adam Piatt
Miguel Tejada
Jason Christiansen
Mike Stanton
Stephen Randolph
Jerry Hairston
Paul Lo Duca
Adam Riggs
Bart Miadich
Fernando Vina
Kevin Brown
Eric Gagne
Mike Bell
Matt Herges
Gary Bennett, Jr.
Jim Parque
Brendan Donnelly
Chad Allen
Jeff Williams
Howie Clark
Nook Logan

Section IX. B."Alleged Internet Purchases of Performance Enhancing Substances By Players in Major League Baseball"

Rick Ankiel, Paul Byrd, Jay Gibbons, Troy Glaus, Jose Guillen, Jerry Hairston, Jr., Gary Matthews, Jr., and Scott Schoeneweis, and former players David Bell, Jose Canseco, Jason Grimsley, Darren Holmes, John Rocker, Ismael Valdez, Matt Williams, and Steve Woodard.

So, for the Cubs, we have:
C-Todd Hundley
1B-
2B-Jerry Hairston Jr.
SS-
3B-OF-Glenallen Hill
OF-Rondell White
OF-Gary Matthews Jr.
SP-Ismael Valdez
RP-Kent Mercker

Wow. Almost a whole squad. If/when Sosa gets busted, you could have Rondell play short.

Closure

So Prior was nontendered the other day. Notice a large yawn.

I was always one of those guys that liked to give athletes another chance, but this guy is a serious douche. Okay, so he was hurt a lot. Probably has a lot to do with the roids, but nonetheless, you feel sorry for a guy. Until a point.

Before last year, he TOOK THE CUBS TO ARBITRATION for more money. As if sitting around on your fucking ass all day getting pampered by MLB trainers wasn't enough, Mark's vagina apparently needed more money to support his roiding lifestyle. But the Cubs took one more chance with him, and brought him back, only for him to...not pitch again. So he's essentially stolen millions of dollars from the organization - and STILL wouldn't accept a smaller contract this year. Have fun getting a contract after the Mitchell report, you fuck.

At this point, if someone takes a chance on him, he'll almost certainly become Greg Maddux. It's not even an option, it's going to happen. Which begs the bigger question: why is it that so many athletes are run out of town here only to become successful elsewhere? (See: Half the Bulls from the past 7 years) Is the media and fanbase that harsh?

About Wood - if it turns out that he actually is on the official list, I'll be pissed, but less so - it's probably very common for players coming back from TJ surgery to have been perscribed HGH by doctors. That's being generous, but I'll wait and see how it turns out. No matter the case, Wood wasn't a prick like Prior when it came to money. He still got a large check, but could have gotten much more elsewhere had he not decided to stay.

BTW - Fuck you, Astros. You just gave away your whole teama for a roider. The NL Central is one big Lollercoaster.