Boone Logan's Goatee

2006: "I believe I am still capable of being attractive with facial hair"

2007: "I think goatees look better if you can see them"

2008: "I am housing endangered species in my goatee, and also may kill you if given the chance"

Sox 8, Indians 10

He was safe, but more on this later

It's been a while, but after a game like today, you've just got to talk about what happened from an online betting standpoint. Before I get too swept up, though, let's get some things straight:

The Good:

#1. Jim Thome. Normally, you'd look at the stats and expect Thome to have a lousy game today. Hitting against a tough lefty like CC would usually spell doom for Thome, but Jimmy went deep twice and provided half of our run total for the day.

#2. The offense in general. All of the role players did their job today. Crede, Cabrera, Paulie, Swisher, and AJ all provided pop when needed. Jermaine Dye was especially impressive, coming off of his quiet Spring Training.

#3. Nick Masset. Can't complain here. Nick barely made the roster (Wassermann is probably the better pitcher, but Nick eats innings and was out of options), and came in early after a short outing from Buerhle. Even so, Nick pitched 4+ innings of shutout ball, allowing us to come back from an early deficit. Nice.

The Bad:

#1. Juan Uribe and Alexei Ramirez. Neither one of these guys should be in a White Sox uniform. Neither of them can hit the ball if it's moving. The two of them racked up 3 Ks apiece, and effectively left 6 runners on base. I understand that we're probably stuck with Uribe at 2B for the year, but there's no reason to start Ramirez in CF. Both Anderson and Quentin are better defensively, and Owens should be back soon.

#2. Octavio Dotel and Mark Buerhle. Neither one of them looked pretty. Buerhle got molested by the long ball (which is tough to do with that big wall in left field), and Dotel put himself into a bad spot and finished the game for us with a fat meatball down the middle. I expect both of them to bounce back, but you never know.

#3. Intangibles. Ah yes, the intangibles. We'll start with the umpiring crew.

See, I'm OK with one bad call. It happens. Umps don't get enough credit for trying, etc etc. However, when you get dicked by THREE bad calls in a game (two in a row, mind you) that affect the outcome of the game directly, then you get a little pissed off. For those of you that were watching the game on StatTracker or some other web-based game log, let me fill in the blanks for you.

Bad Call #1: Sox at bat. Konerko is on 3rd, two outs. AJ hits what could be an RBI single and hustles to first. Throw is in time, but off the mark. Ryan Garko makes the catch, but it pulls his foot off the bag before the catch is made. AJ is called out anyways.
White Sox Nega Runs: 1 and counting.

Bad Call #2: Sox at bat. Bases loaded for Orlando Cabrera. Cabrera hits a sharp one to left, and there's going to be a play at the plate. The throw is in time, but off the mark, and the catcher needs to adjust in mid-air. Crede slides under the tag, and all replays show the tag was missed. Crede is called out, and needs to be restrained by Jim Thome. Still no sign of Ozzie.
White Sox Nega Runs: 2 and counting.

Bad Call #3: Just moments after Crede is called out. Bases still juiced, now one out. AJ batting. AJ hits a chopper to the pitcher, which is given to the SS for the double play. Cabrera slides feet-first, and uses his hands to try and break up the play (a suitable revenge because he got annihilated on a DP attempt earlier in the game while playing SS himself). The SS get slapped in the thigh, and stops his throw to first after stepping on the bag (he probably wouldn't have made it, as he was late getting the ball out). Cabrera is called out on interference, resulting in a double-play.
White Sox Nega Runs: 3 and counting.

So, in reality, it's possible that even with Dotel coughing up the lead, the Sox still could have won 11-10. I'm not saying that the world is out to get the Sox, but I AM saying that baseball does need the benefit of instant replay. It really turned things around today.

Also, I'd like to thank the Cubs for losing today. It has eased my pain, if ever so slightly.

Fuck you San Francisco!

Suck it!

Because Drew Rosenhaus is a a shitbag, the 49ers will give the Bears their 5th round pick and swap 3rd rounders (with the Bears moving up 5 spots).

Apparently, the 49ers made illegal contact with Rosenhaus last season, violating the anti-tampering rule. (Story here.) I have a sneaking suspicion that Rosenhaus probably called the niners GM 5 million times trying to get a verbal offer so that he could blackball the Bears for more cash.

Stop calling me needle dick!

This is fantastic news.

Moral of the story: the Bears organization is like the island on Lost- you can try to leave but it's inevitable that the Bears will get the best of you.

The Bulls Suck

I could've stayed home and masturbated...

If anyone was stupid enough to stop watching the NCAA tournament last night and saw the Bulls "game", you probably felt like we would have put up a better fight with a college roster.

Last I remember, we were losing by around 30 and Tony Parker looked like Michael Jordan. I thought maybe I had drank too much, but alas no, we just fucking suck balls. We have no defense, our offense consists of Luol Deng and Ben Gordon shooting a lot and Samurai Gooden getting some weakly defended layups.

What happened to our team?

More importantly, how can we let a queef like Tim Duncan talk shit about us like this after the game??:

"Luckily enough we have a game tomorrow so we didn't have to go back into the game in the fourth quarter."

Embarrassing.

I just checked the box score and Larry Hughes (you know, the guy who's famous from this AWESOME blog: http://heylarryhughespleasestoptakingsomanybadshots.com/?) shot 4-12 in just 28 minutes.

We could probably make a solid lineup with Gooden, Hinrich and Deng at the core... why not make a REAL fucking trade already and finally get someone that can score in the post? The draft is coming up although we are still mathematically in the playoff hunt... is it too early to hope for losses?

Revie

Jesus christ, look at those calves

One of the most meaningful moments of my entire life was attending the Revie Sorey All-Pro Football Camp as a coach back when I was a ripe 17 years of age.

For those of you unfamiliar with Revie, he was an O-linesman for the Bears and blocked for Walter Payton.

Back then, it was the Revie Sorey-Ryan Wetnight All Pro camp. Now it's the John Gilmore - Revie Sorey camp, so essentially they swapped out slow crappy white TE for slow crappy black TE. Regardless, it's the exact same camp and it's an awesome way to spend a week. I played ball with Luke Butkis and a few D1 studs, I caught passes from Erik Kramer, I watched Singletary run through drills and I even got mistaken for a legitimate college athlete (which I wasn't).

My most memorable moment at camp, was sitting around late at night and shooting the shit with Revie. Let me tell you, this is one of the nicest guys I've ever met.

Additionally, he has abnormally monstrous calves.

Like, insanely girthy tree trunk appendages than keep him anchored to the center of the earth.

If you look at the photo above, that's Revie with a legitimate NFL player who spends countless hours in the gym and probably leg presses a few thousand pounds. Revie's calves make his calves look like 2 needle dicks. It's absolutely insane.

So... 2 thoughts:
1) If you read this and are 10-18, you should definitely go here.
2) If you've ever seen a person with larger (at least mainly muscle) calves, I'd like to know about it.

You can read up about the camp here:

Great article about Revie here:

New impact guys for 08

Looking towards this season, the Bears have some pretty solid talent coming off the IR from the past few drafts:

Dusty:



I love me a good mullett and I love me a good interior D-linesman. This guy is going to be good and was meant to replace Tank until he got hurt. Let's see what the honkey can do!

Okwo:

“He has a lot of talent,” Smith said. “He’s what we’re looking for at that (weakside) linebacker position. He doesn’t have great size, but he has skill, good quickness, good speed, his change of direction is real good and he’s been a playmaker. We’re anxious to put him into the mix.”

Nice. And Lovie is never one to mince words either.

Payne:

This guy is just a straight playmaker. He was in 3 games last year, didn't do much but didn't look out of place, even with Manning, Tillman and Archuleta out there. God I hope he can replace Archuleta- this guy misses more tackles than TPC gets handjobs from older men (ie: a lot).

All in all, I think we have a strong class of players coming back from various injuries this season and it should give us some young depth to look forward to in case the Bears fuck up the draft. Which would be picking any offensive player in the first round.

Brandon Lloyd

Is this guy the real deal or did we just get screwed?

I mean, he makes some nice catches but his stats aren't impressive and he doesn't look too quick. We still need a deep threat (even with Hester in there) and I don't think Lloyd gives us that dimension.

I think Moose - Booker is a push but Berrian to Lloyd is a clear downgrade and we haven't really done anything to offset that issue. However, if we draft a WR, I will kill Jerry Angelo with my own two hands. Why didn't we go after Stallworth?

Lloyd was decent for a few weeks on the 49ers but that's about all I can remember of him (not a good sign, since I remember some pretty obscure shit).

Bill Simmons what if...

Big Bill had a speculative article yesterday about what would have happened if Jay Williams wasn't a fucktard and if the Bulls got Garnett for Deng, Chandler and the #4 pick.

14. What if Jason Williams never crashed his motorcycle?

"I predicted Williams (the No. 2 pick in 2003) would be a better pro than Yao Ming (the No. 1 pick).

Well, you know what? I was right. I was DEAD right.

A lightning-quick, physical 6-footer who would have been unstoppable after they changed the hand-check rules in 2004, Williams had his moments as a rookie, including the 26-14-13 he slapped on J-Kidd and the Nets. He would have been a stud. There's no doubt in my mind. But Williams stupidly crashed his motorcycle that summer -- I say "stupidly" because there's no acceptable scenario when a professional athlete with a chance to sign a $70 million contract some day should ever own a motorcycle -- and that was that. How did Jay's injury change what transpired with Chicago over the next five years? Imagine Utah only getting one season out of Deron Williams and you have some idea."

Fuck, he is totally right. Look at the renaissance in PG's accross the league since the rule change: Chris Paul, Deron Williams, Gilbert Arenas, Baron Davis, Tony Parker and a revitalized Nash and Kidd.

JW would have been nasty. And that was back when we had a decent nucleus (even after the Brand/Artest mistake). JW, Curry, Chandler, Crawford and Pfizer (WTF happened to HIM? He didn't even get in a mortercycle accident!). Still... that's a solid squad. We also got Deng and Bogo in the next draft.

Fuck.

Scroll down to 13b. "What if Kevin McHale had taken Chicago's "Godfather" offer for KG before the 2006 draft?"

"...Meanwhile, Chicago would have ended up with Garnett, Kirk Hinrich, Ben Gordon, Andres Nocioni and the typical flood of discount free agents and February buyout guys who follow a guy like KG, and on top of that Garnett would have ignited Chicago as a basketball city just like he ignited Boston (and potentially pushed the Bulls into the NBA Finals in a weak conference last spring). Instead, they gave away Chandler, turned Aldridge into Ty Thomas and wasted all their cap space on Ben Wallace. So, um ... that kind of sucked. "

Well, that makes is sound pretty bad.

Then I remember that it IS pretty bad. Not only did we pass on KG, but we also passed on Aldridge (which might end up being as bad) and we lost chandler for nothing, who is playing good ball in NO.

Well, "what if's" are really a waste of time. Shit happens and you make the best of it.

At least we've got this guy:

Hooray for boobies!

If you click on the picture, it will get bigger (unlike the TPC's manhood).

Thanks to our friends at With Leather, we were made aware of a contest over at Puckthathit.com to rank the hottest ice girls across the NHL. As of right now, the Ice Girls from Chicago are in 1st place with 21% of all votes.

This reminds me of the LovaBulls post from a while back... yeaaaargh. -shudders-



YUMMY!!

Doing in Distress

You can achieve that same effect with loved ones with a well-timed Dutch Oven

As you may (or may not) have noticed, the Dong has been a little barren as of late. As the de-facto leader and majority poster, it's my responsibility to keep you busy with the latest and greatest Chicago Sports News.

Unfortunately, a change in employment has seen my time ultimately consumed -- and in a place with monitored internet to boot! As such, I'm finding it extremely taxing to create one post a day, if that (see: yesterday).

I don't want to say this is the end of the Dong -- we worked too hard to bring you some of the best the web has to offer. As it stands, we just don't have the manpower to bring you the entertainment you deserve. From here on out, we're looking at maybe one post a day, if that. It's that bad.

Tell us what you want to see, and we shall listen. Otherwise, this may be the end of Luol's Phallic Providence as we know it.