Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Brian Anderson Traded


You bastards.

You bastards!

I am outraged, appalled, and most of all very sad for our Chicago White Sox. It's one thing to give DeWaste of Sperm Wise the starting CF job. It's even worse to demote Brian Anderson, but tolerable. But to trade Anderson to the Red Sox? You motherfuckers. If you haven't bet on the Red Sox to win the World Series yet, I suggest you do. I'm telling you right now that Anderson will be back, he will be amazing, and he will provide his magical pixie powers.

Look Kenny - I know you read the blog regularly. You know about the Cult of Brian Anderson. You know that since being demoted, the Sox are 3-6, the team has looked all kinds of sloppy, and that something is seriously wrong. You will also note that the Charlotte Knights went 5-2 during the brief stint that Anderson was there - a pretty big departure from the 6-11 that the Knights were from July 1st up to the 21st.

I've done everything I can to take my mind off the pain. I watched Soriano's walk-off grand slam. I read up on the extent of Tillman's surgery. I even read news about Brett Favre and then punched myself in the balls. Nothing works.

In exchange for our lord and savior Brian Anderson, the Sox receive Mark Kotsay. I expect Kotsay to play exactly 25 games with the White Sox this season - not a single game more. Here's a breakdown of the last two and a half seasons:

Jul 8, 2009: Missed 2 games (right calf injury).
Jul 6, 2009: Right calf injury, day-to-day.
Jun 2, 2009: Missed 51 games (back surgery).
Apr 4, 2009: Back surgery, 15-day DL (retroactive to March 27).
Jul 1, 2008: Missed 33 games (back injury).
May 30, 2008: Back injury, 15-day DL.
May 26, 2008: Back injury, day-to-day.
Oct 1, 2007: Missed the last 42 games of the regular season (lower back pain).
Sep 10, 2007: Transferred from the 15-day DL to the 60-day DL (lower back pain).
Aug 17, 2007: Lower back pain, 15-day DL (retroactive to Aug 15th).
Aug 10, 2007: Missed 1 game (back injury).
Aug 8, 2007: Back injury, day-to-day.
Jun 1, 2007: Missed 50 games (back injury).
Apr 23, 2007: Transferred from the 15-day DL to the 60-day DL (back injury).
Apr 1, 2007: Back injury, 15-day DL.

And that's JUST from 2007. Remember how all the Sox fans pined to have Aaron Rowand back? Well, instead of doing that let's just get a guy who has the same "I no longer care about living" approach to fielding, but make sure he's older (34) and that his body is incapable of the wear and tear.

I especially love this quote from Ozzie:

"He's going to help us all the way around the field," White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said. "It depends on who needs the rest and where we need him the most."

That's right, ladies and gentlemen - the one year rental cripple will NOT EVEN BE STARTING. Instead, we will watch DeFucking Piece Of Shit Needs To Die Wise continue to stink up CF. If you're a White Sox fan who payed attention at all before Wise's catch in Buerhle's perfect game, you know what I'm talking about. He's terrible. No, terrible is too vague. Remember when Royce Clayton was on the Sox? Take the batting ability, and then subtract the ability to play his position in the field. If you need further proof of how bad he is, watch Wise finish up the game with his last at-bat. He looks the most capable when he has the bat on his shoulder.

So really, we've traded a very capable defensive CF with some hitting problems that never could crack the starting lineup for an older, injury prone defensive CF who is more likely to crack his femur than crack the starting lineup. And we're starting an INCAPABLE CF who can't hit a fucking baseball.

What. The. Fuck.

Oh, and don't give me that "Kotsay is left-handed" business. Wise is also left-handed. And don't tell me it's for "power" as Kotsay has 8 HR in the last three years combined.


In other news, Mark Buerhle further enters the annals of history. If Buerhle weren't so fucking amazing I probably would have had another 2-3 paragraphs to bitch about this Anderson trade.


McDoofus said...

As a fellow Branderson fan/member of the Cult of Brian Anderson, I pretty much agree with every single thing you wrote. Also, this team is horrible at developing players and now we're right back to the same old, gritty, slow, terrible defensively, past-their-prime shit that this team has been for the past four years.

Gepetto said...

Don't even get me started on Josh Fields. Watch him get traded (because we ALL know it's coming), and then thrive with an NL team that teaches him how to hit belt-high fastballs.

I'm sick with disgust right now