Sunday, July 5, 2009

Calling Bullshit on the Michael Jackson Bandwagon Jumpers

Things have been very busy here at F.A.G. headquarters lately -- I'm making arrangments to have my foreskin reattached, I've been gambling on Amish pit fighting, and I'm finally close to beating Sonic The Hedgehog. But being the Dong's resident music critic, I thought i'd take a minute to address this Michael Jackson thing.

As some of you might have noticed, he is quite dead. You might have also noticed a lot of people coming out of the woodwork to say how great he was, how he was an inspiration, how timeless his music is. Everyone is spewing forth these sentiments suddenly, from fellow celebrities and musicians, all the way down to that bitch who works down the hall. Lame white people are driving around blasting "Rock With You" from their Volkswagens. Even our own ace journalist Gepetto tried to cash in by "unearthing" some MJ footage that has only ever been seen by, oh, about 30 million people at Disneyland in the '80s.

Funny thing, though: Two weeks ago, if you were to ask any of these people (except maybe Diana Ross) what they thought of MJ, the answer would undoubtedly be "That fucking guy? He's weird. His face is fucked up and he touches boys' pee-pees."

Make no mistake, Jackson was certainly a musical prodigy. "Billie Jean," "Thriller," and "Beat It" all rule your goddamn ass, as does my personal favorite "Leave Me Alone." Even the stuff he did as a little kid with the Jackson 5 smokes anything that most fully-grown pop singers could come up with today. Plus, he invented the moonwalk. The motherfucking moonwalk!!! So, credit where credit's due and all that.

But let's get real here: nobody among us has given a flying fuck about this guy for 20 years. And if anyone has, it was certainly not because of his music. The only reason to have paid attention to him at all was due to ridiculous plastic surgery, publicity stunts, and barely-denied charges of child molestation. Maybe one of you out there is like, "no man, I really liked HIStory Part 1." And if so, I'd like to congratulate you on being a giant douche. But since about 1991, most people's interest in his life -- and death -- stems from this uncontrollable attraction to his eccentricities and the circus of nutty shit that always surrounded him. Even Slash from GN'R knew to keep his distance.

And then there's all these new-school celebrities who have lined up to suck at the teat of MJ-related publicity. I'm not gonna name names, but a lot of people are kissing ass lately, in interviews, on CNN, and even releasing hastily-recorded covers of Jackson's music. How about we make this a simple math problem:

Babbling about Michael Jackson post-mortem
+ talked shit while he was alive
= Fuck you, you are full of shit.

And lastly: How badass would it be if at his funeral, he suddenly popped out of the coffin and did "Thriller"?

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