Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Obama's First Real Move

(takes slow drag on cigarette)
Hey, glad you could make it.

Yeah, I'm a little exhausted right now. You know how it is, the whole "election" thing. So, apparently I'm the first "black president." That's pretty cool. Look - I didn't call you over so I could talk politics. I've heard enough about politics to last me a whole four years. The reason I called you here today is because I'm part of a much bigger agenda.

Sure, I'm the president of the United States, but do you know why I pushed to be here? Do you think I wanted to inherit this mess of an economy that we have? Not a chance. I did it, because as I always said, We Deserve a Better America. It was true then, and it's true now.

(puts out cigarette, leans back)

I'm not a man to beat around the bush. I'm all-Chicago. I love the city, but it has a problem. A serious problem that no mere senator would ever be able to handle appropriately. In my first act as president...

...I want to make it illegal to be a Cubs fan. Not just illegal, but punishable by death.

What, did you think I became president to just sit around in a fucking office all day? I fought to be here, and I'm not going to let down all my loyal supporters. The REAL supporters, not some fair weather fans. I'm a White Sox fan. It's not just "tough" to be a fan of the minority team. It's miserable! Putting up with that "Go Cubs Go" bullshit every year just to wade my way through sob stories? No, that's an Obamanation - yeah, that's right, I made that up. Look at this fucker who managed to sneak into my celebration shindig last night:

The only time I want to see a Cubs fan in that pose is if I've jammed a cattle prod into his scrotum. Worse still, that douchebag Ronnie Woo-Woo got an Obama jersey. Me, associated with that waste of sperm? I'm tired of this. Last night, I ordered that all Cubs fans on the premises be shot. Shot! And not a single fucking person "bled Cubbie blue" that night. Well, let me tell you, as president, that shit is going to change. As president, I now have access to America's greatest resource. Oil? Please.

Please, step outside. I want to show you something.

Do you see recognize this man? That's right, Superman. Go ahead, laugh. He is the symbol of everything this country stands for - patriotism, truth, justice, and the American way. While he may look like a simple wax puppet at the moment, I assure that he will be much more useful to my cause once I inscribe these Hebrew symbols into his forehead. Every president recieves the talmudic inscription to bring the golem to life. However, due to Bush's illiteracy, the golem has sat unused and forgotten for over eight years. Now, it is MY turn to do what is right!

(inscribes Hebrew; golem groans)

Yes, that's right! LIVE! Listen to me, SuperGolem - I am your new master! Cleanse the world of Cubs fans! Bring me the legs of Ron Santo and the blood of Ronald "Woo-Woo" Wickers!

Man, I fucking love this country.


stalkingerinandrews said...

The White Sox won the World Series in '05. You got to watch the Cubs fizzle out in '03, '07, and '08 (and '98, and '89. and...were you around in '84?). Yet your bitterness and jealousy towards the Cubs and their fans continues to shine through like a laser pointer directed straight at my pupil. How about we move on and talk some Bears, Bulls, and Hawks since they're in season?

Fisting Andrew Golota said...

Seems to me that it doesn't take much "bitterness and jealousy" to write that the Cubs suck ass and their fans are polesmokers. Just good honest reporting, the kind we're proud of here at the Dong.

stalkingerinandrews said...

Remember this post? I wanted to leave a comment, but it was going to get long, so I wrote a post and sent it to Dr. C to put up on Chicago Bull. But apparently, it got ignored, along with the rest of that site for the last month and a half. So here:

In the interest of full disclosure, I am a Cubs Fan. Not just a fan, but a die-hard,
blue blooded, born and
raised Cubs Fan. Just so we're clear, so we can move on.

First off, the Cubs are no longer "Lovable Losers." They are just losers. Nine
consecutive playoff losses prove that fact. There's nothing lovable about a team that
wins their division 2 years in a row, has the best record in the NL one of those years,
and can't win a single playoff game. It's fucking putrid. It actually made me physically
ill. Does that make me a true Cubs fan?

And what do I get from some Cubs fans? "Oh, we wish the best for you guys.
I'm a Chicago fan." No. I refuse to allow that. Want me to translate that phrase?
"I am a total fucking pussy who refuses to ally with any one team so that I can
always be happy and never have to feel bad about losing."

OK, let's go over this. Remember when I said I was a Cubs fan? Well, I'm a White Sox fan,
too. It is allowed to like two different baseball teams, even if they
are in the same city. But I make my allegiance known up front. I root for the Cubs 162
games a year, and I root for the Sox 156 games a year. (If you need help figuring those
numbers out, look at a damn schedule.) I can speak intelligently about both teams; what
they do well, and where they screwed up.

I get pissed off by the same fans Gepetto talked about. Your "Oh well, at least we
made it to the playoffs, there's always next year" Cubs fans. Bullshit. Fuck 2009.
This is 2008. You're not a real fan if you don't expect more. The playoffs were supposed
to be a given from spring training. The World Series was the goal. If this season doesn't
piss you off and leave a bad taste in your mouth until next spring, go the fuck home.
You're an embarrassment to real Cubs fans.

This goes for White Sox fans, too. "I don't care if the Sox lose to the Rays, at
least the Cubs got swept." Which team are you paying attention to? If you care more
about the Cubs losing than you do about the Sox winning, then you're not a real White Sox
fan. You're just a miserable bastard who needs to see other people miserable. Take some
Zoloft and keep your ass away from The Cell.

The best way to say "I don't like when you lose" is to stop buying
tickets to games. You can still root for the team and drink Old Style as you watch the
game on WGN, but don't give them your money to sit in the nosebleeds until they put out a

This was true in the 80's and especially in the 90's (ahh, the 90's, when the Cubs sucked
to high heaven and nobody gave a fuck), but as Gepetto went on to say, it's not so true
anymore. The Cubs are spending well over 100 million on payroll, which is much better
than the 50 to 60 million spent in years past. If you look at the last two years, ticket
sales are supporting a winner. But with this playoff losing sreak, I think you'll see a
difference in Wrigley attendance as early as next year. Winning in the regular season
doesn't matter if they continually shit the bed in the playoffs.

I don't know if I did more agreeing or disagreeing with Gepetto, but either way, I hope I
made my feelings on the subject know. Keep up the good work here at "The Dong," and
feel free to continue the discussion any time.

Gepetto said...

Well said.