In the news...

Giants sign Rowand for $60M over 5 years: He was a stud on the Sox and now he's going to take his rock solid defense (and underrated offense) to the West Coast. Good for him, I always liked Rowand, he's a stand up guy and a tough player. Granted we got Thome for him, I still think we would have been better off giving the cash to Rowand and re-signing the Big Hurt. Something about hindsight...


Bulls bend over for Pacers, 117-102: Total shit-fest. Tyrus was looking good until he decided to “punch” Troy Murphy in the grill. I understand the desire to punch the smug-looking doofus but if you’re going to get ejected, at least make it a good hit.

Not much excitement outside of that. Deng sucked and the Bulls basically forgot how to play defense. Why is Joe Smith playing better than Ben Wallace? Seriously? I wouldn’t mind except it’s a $10mil/year difference.

Cubs (painfully) cut Mark Prior: I’ll leave the real analysis to Brad in another post, but this has to be one of those nauseating headlines that you knew was coming but still didn’t want to hear about. Kind of like when K-Fed got custody of his kids. Nevertheless, we all know Prior is going to find a home on a team willing to take a chance and make a historic comeback. They make movies about shit like this all the time. We all know this is going to happen. On the other hand, this also kind of feels like that last nugget of poop that justifies spending a little too long on the crapper.

Grossman ranked 25th best active QB by Scouts Inc: Weird rankings… here is the link to ESPN: (http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/insider/news/story?id=3147842). I was surprised that Rex was behind Pennington, Schaub, Warner. And ELI FUCKING MANNING. I think a straight ranking system masks the fact that there is a clear tier 1 set of QB’s (Brady, Manning, Romo, Favre, Palmer) and some solid guys (Rothlisberger, Hasselbeck, Brees, McNabb) and then a whole mess of shit. Like, 15 QB’s fall into that category of “kind of decent, had some flashes, still potential blah blah”. I mean, Cutler is #11 and Steve McNair is #31 and I can’t tell you which guy I’d rather have on a contending team.

In other news, I just got a Holiday card from the staff of my new apartment building. Normally, I would give a nice check to the doorman and the super (you never want to be the last person to get their toilet fixed) but I open this card and there are 12 fucking signatures! 12! A total of 5 doormen and 7 “staff,” of which I recognize one person. Now I don’t know what to do since they gave me this nice card and are surely expecting some cash… Brutal.

Good News Continues for Cubs

When it rains it pours, and this week is the dead of winter for Cubs fans. The good news rolling in off the wires about new outfielder Fuck You Fuck Me Dome (couldn't resist) was the 2nd notable item of the week. What was the first, you ask? Well it is that the Brewers didn't watch any American League baseball last season, and signed up Eric Gag(ne) to a one year deal as a new bullpen'er. The article goes on to talk about how Scott Boras originally wanted a multi-year deal (biiiiiiiig shocker there), but that Gagne is happy with what he has. He should be after a season that prompted some young computer-literate friend to mock up the following image:



These kids today.


In any event, I think that between facing Gagne and new Brew Crew member Solomon Torres 25 times a year, as well as Dusty Baker an ADDITIONAL 25 times a year, the Cubs may have the division locked up by July. Just imagine what would happen if Dusty was actually managing a team with that kind of bullpen. Wow. I just became aroused thinking about that. Sports can do that to me sometimes.

Cubs Get Skullfucked

"That's Mr. Skullfuck to you"

The Cubs acquired Kosuke Fukudome (or at least agreed to pay him $12 million a year). Can we just take a second to analyze this like a responsible sports fan, and not like a drunk fan who makes a career out of saying “Woo” at Cubs games?

Thank you.

Here is a quick list of Japanese batters that have come over from Japan in recent years, and the age they were when they did it (and I’ve bolded the players that flopped):

Ichiro Suzuki (27 years old)

Hideki Matsui (29 years old)

Tadahito Iguchi (30 years old)

Kenji Johjima (30 years old)

Takashi Saito (36 years old)

So Taguchi (34 years old)

Kaz Sasaki (28 years old)

Kazuo Matsui (28 years old)

Tsuyoshi Shinjo (29 years old)

Do you notice an interesting trend here? All of these guys are either past their prime, or passing it quickly, and that’s just in their first year (Ichiro is the exception to the rule, as he decided to be Japanese because he knew that the slanted eyes decrease wind resistance). You also have to add in time to adjust, especially considering the use of the curveball in America – it still gives Iguchi and the Matsuis trouble. Not only that, but the crop that is anywhere close to Fukudome (in age or position) has been extremely iffy. Kazuo Matsui was touted as Jesus in a Kimono, but we can all see how that turned out. Even Hideki Matsui is clearly on the decline. I’m excited to see what Skullfuck can do, but I’m a little wary considering his age (30) and injuries.

Fukudome had his best season in 2006, hitting an absurd .351 and essentially destroying opposing pitching. Hell, he’s a career .294 hitter with a .400 on-base percentage – you can’t really knock that. However, last year, he played only 81 games with a .294 average (I know, still great, but way down) and a few injuries – most notably, that he’s coming off of a right elbow surgery to remove bone chips.

I’m not saying he’s a bad acquisition, but if the elbow saps power from his swing, you’re looking at 10-15 HR MAX on the year. Last I checked, simply hitting for average was not allowed from a corner outfielder on the Cubs (see: Jacque Jones). So, basically, you're paying $12 million a year for a #6 hitter?

Bring on the Skullfuck era.

Fukudome to Cubs

That's right... get excited Cubs fans. Yes.... so much potential, such a complete lineup. Mmmmm... this is the best lineup in a really long time, this is really going to be the year! The Cubs aren't going to get swept out of the first round THIS year, not with all this hitting power and from ~30 year old outfielder! WOW. This is really special, it's time to get really excited and jump on the bandwagon, the Cubs are going to be awesome.

NOTE: this text is copied from the Cubs preseason prediction from 02,03,04,05,06.

I don't want to be a hater here, but this is only going to make the impending 08 tragedy that much worse.

Vote of Confidence

Best news ever.

In honor of the ascendance of my favorite QB of all time, I have put together a short montage of Orton highlights:

Here is Kyle, showing steady hands and great balance (note the 2 cups in his left hand). This is early in his drinking career (note the missing trademark neckbeard) but you have to respect the mess on his shirt (4 out of 10), showing he’s not shying away from getting a little messy if the situation calls for it. This also shows that he is a man that doesn’t drink, he chugs. I respect that.

In this snapshot, we see Kyle sporting the infamous neckbeard that made him a fashion icon a few years ago. That beard is absolutely spectacular- pubic, yet luscious. He’s batting about .750 here with his “fake homo” dance pulling 3 hotties on 4 sides- the chick in front of him just can’t get enough grade A Orton beef. He’s also getting really into the music (look at his face!) which shows how sensitive he can be… I imagine that’s where he gets such a soft touch on his screen passes despite his rocket arm. Also note the massive bottle of Crystal he got for HIMSELF. With Kyle, it’s go big or go home.


Shirt mess= 8/10. That chick= 10/10. I also think that might be Mike Piazza on his left but nobody seems to give shit when The Neckbeard is in the room.


This one basically speaks for itself. We can assume the shirt mess was 10/10, hence it’s omission altogether.


P.S. I just read this quote from Lovie on chicagobears.com:

“We have the Vikings up this week and I really can’t look any further than that,” Smith said. “Again, I do like what [Orton] could possibly bring. We had the chance to work him with the look squad all along. He’s been going against our defense all year. I’m excited about that. But we’re not looking any further than this game.”

This HAS to be the most non-committal, pathetic endorsement I have ever read from a head coach. I like what he could POSSIBLY bring? He’s been going against OUR DEFENSE (30th in the league) all year? We’re not looking ANY FURTHER THAN THIS GAME??? Jesus, give the kid a break! Brutal! I can’t wait for Monday… DA DA DUH DUH, DUM DUM, DUM DUM…

He's Back!

Lovie's made the wrong choice before (Ahem! CedricBenson Ahem!! Cough!), but this time I'm not sure what else he can do. Ladies and gentleman, I present your starting quarterback!

Fuk u, dome

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Leave My Sports Alone, You Bastards!

I just want to watch the game.

Most of us were just enjoying the Bears game (if you can call watching them enjoyment), or any other NFL game without a problem. There are guys hitting eachother, beer is consumed, and I feel in touch with myself (not quite tooting my own horn the way Keggers does, but you get the idea).

And then it happens -- Why the hell are there jewelry commercials in the middle of my football game?

I was just starting to enjoy myself with the game, and now I have to feel guilty that I gave my wife a mop for our anniversary or that I sent my girlfriend to have a “girls’ day out” at Walgreens. I’m male. I don’t happen to buy jewelry just because it’s Sunday. The last time I bought her jewelry was one of those Hulk Hogan thumb wrestlers, and I don’t even know if she even appreciated them as much as I did. Well gee-whiz, I should go and buy some jewelry to make up for it, right?

Last time I checked, I believe I tuned into the game to watch gigantic freaks attempt to kill each other without remorse. Occasionally, I expect to see a commercial for a truck so large that it could tow the fat directly out of my body, and that’s fine. But diamonds? Those don’t compensate for sexual inadequacy! I’d understand if it were maybe once a game, but it’s almost every goddamned commercial break

There’s this commercial where some guy gets pegged with snowballs by his wife and then pulls out a bag with the Kay Jewelry and she stops hitting him. This is supposed to make me want to buy some diamonds? For hitting me with snowballs, you're lucky I let you out of the cellar.

Kenny Williams Hasn’t Completely Ruined Us

"Uh huh…well, how much for a ZJ?”

As a lifelong Sox fan, I’m hearing lots of people question their allegiance to Kenny Williams. For bringing a World Series title home, Kenny and Ozzie probably should have earned some sort of immunity. Instead, after just a few moves in this offseason, you can only wonder what they’re thinking for next year.

If the Sox want to rebuild, that’s fine and I’m all for it. I would probably deal Thome for a prospect or two, and deal Konerko for a legit 2B and a chunk of prospects. I would trade Dye for cash and prospects, deal Crede for whatever you can get, and let Uribe’s contract expire. If we’re going to rebuild, you want to use the youngsters we have, and spend one or two years having your guys establish themselves.

Last I checked, we have four young guys who claim they can play the field (Owens, Sweeney, Quentin and Anderson), a seemingly youthful infield (Fields, Cabrera, Richar, and whatever prospect we bring up to play first), and a basic core of pitchers either proven or with serious potential (Buerhle, Vazquez, Contreras, Massett, Danks, Floyd). Not only that, but the Tigers and Indians have already established themselves as the cash cows and frontrunners for the next year or so. If there’s a time to start rebuilding, this is it.

Even so, the Sox could go the other way and make some big impact trades to acquire the missing puzzle pieces, like landing a big name FA outfielder or acquiring a legit 2B. We could try and compete this year, lay it all out on the line, and then rebuild next year if we tank again.

Instead, Kenny seems to be riding the fence. I don’t know who he was talking to at the winter meetings, or what he was talking about, but he needs to start taking some serious steps for next season. I’m not saying we need to acquire Juan Pierre and give him a pay raise like Uribe, but we need to do something.

Are the Bears so far out of playoff contention that I have to be worrying about this shit in December?

Update

Deja vu

Well, shit. It looks like the Sex Machine is going to be out for the rest of the season after his MRI showed a severe sprain of the MCL in his left knee. As much as this sucks, it’s the best case scenario after watching Rex get his leg rolled like a twizzler. I can’t imagine this should bother him significantly long-term but given that he’s in a contract year, this is pretty bad timing for the Cannon.

Hopefully, we can sign Rex at a discount given his fragility. My man-crush on Grossman is insatiable and I’m sure if he left the Bears, he would become an immediate Pro-Bowler somewhere else. We gotta keep him, even if he ends up being our second string QB (although I think he’s a legit starter).

Is Tim Tebow declaring early by any chance?