Drafting Offense is for Pussies

Last seen working at a car repair shop

The Bears have a pretty bad track record of drafting offensive skill players early in the draft. My memory is scarred with the names Curtis Enis, Rashaan Salaam, Cade McNown and David Terrell. On the other hand, the Bears have an exceptionally good track record of drafting good defensive players both early and late in a given draft.

If we look at the top few picks from the last few drafts, it’s pretty obvious where our GM and scout team excel:

2006
2 42 Danieal Manning
2 57 Devin Hester

2005
1 4 Cedric Benson
2 39 Mark Bradley
4 106 Kyle Orton

2004
1 14 Tommie Harris
2 47 Tank Johnson
3 78 Bernard Berrian
4 110 Nathan Vasher

2003
1 14 Michael Haynes
1 22 Rex Grossman
2 35 Charles Tillman
3 68 Lance Briggs

2002
1 29 Marc Colombo

2001
1 8 David Terrell
2 38 Anthony Thomas

2000
1 9 Brian Urlacher
2 39 Mike Brown

With the exception of Michael Haynes, every defensive player picked in the first few rounds has been an absolute stud. (Hester was drafted as a DB by the way…) I mean, this is REALLY impressive.

Our best RB since Walter Payton was signed as a free agent (Thomas Jones) as was our most consistent WR (Muhammad). The best trade we’ve made in the last 10 years was sending our top WR at the time Marty Booker to the Fins for Ogunleye (which has panned out pretty well).

The obvious take-away here is that the Bears should draft only defensive players and trade or sign position players. Given that getting a QB on the open market is pretty tough, I understand the occasional QB pick although the odds for the Bears (and most teams for that matter) are pretty bad.

I say we take the beast on Michigan. (See http://luolsdong.blogspot.com/2007/12/going-long.html for my thoughts on this gigantic monster.)

And yes, this whole post is just an excuse to post another picture of this behemoth:

Tommy hungry. Tommy want wingy.

Heroic Hurdles

Mad props to the naked guy for finishing...that came out wrong.

If you don't care whether or not the Olympics come to Chi-town, you might want to start.

As Chicago continues to proudly display yuppie neighborhoods to solidify a bid for the 2016 Summer Olympics, we at the Dong have to wonder if we really want them here. The Olympics are known for doing one of two things: bringing a lot of money into a city, or financially ruining it.

Chicago isn't exactly a poor city, but it's not in the best position to win the Olympics without spending some serious cash. Our subway system is slower than the digestion in my intestinal tract, and we don't exactly have a place to hold events other than Soldier Field and maybe the Cell (try and convince me that Wrigley can be considered safe enough for Olympic use).

But we're not here to talk about financial figures -- the real issue is that the Olympics bring assholes. Tourists and Cub fans are standard Chicago infestations, but imagine every hour being rush hour, not being able to go to work, and generally having the city shut down for about a month. Public transit will be clogged, Lake Shore Drive will be a mess, and the Chicago Fire would probably win another championship without anyone noticing.

What about our precious sports? To make room for the Olympics, they'll likely be banished from our fair city. Most of our MLB games could become away games, or worse still, "moved" home games -- do you really want to see the Sox playing at Wrigley and calling it a home game? What about the Cubs playing in Milwaukee? My thoughts exactly.

And for those of you supporters -- it's not like you were going to get a ticket to any Olympic event anyways. Basically, we're just paying a shitload of money to host a bunch of douchebags that are going to leave an awful mess when they go away without a thank you. It's really the same logic as to why I don't host New Years' any more.

I don't want these things in my town...do you?

So to the Olympics, I say this: take your freakshow somewhere else. I don't need to see people run around in circles as fast as they can -- there are mental health institutions for that kind of amusement, and they have free admission. I'd like to see MJ in a torch lighting ceremony, sure, but he's always been a fireworks display -- I can live without it for now.

Los Toros Son Muertos (aka, the Bulls are dead)

Yes, that's a picture of a dead bull. No, I'm not interested in being sued by PETA.


How dumb does John Paxson feel right now? Thanks to Kobe, the Lakers are right on the Suns' taint in West, and the Bulls got skidmarked last night by the Knicks...thanks to Luol and his gimp back. Was this guy really that much of a stud that he couldn't be thrown into a deal for Kobe Bryant?

Personally, I was kind of taken aback when this "Luol Deng is going to be a perennial All-Star" train left the station. To be fair, the guy had an awesome playoff series against the Heat. He and Ben Wallace singlehandedly gave us that series - but now what? The Dong's namesake is pretty much relegated to 15 footers in the lane. He cannot drive to the basket; he's too timid. He cannot shoot threes, as his Sudanese refugee diet of rice, dirt and mukwango bugs limits his range. He can't post up...because he sucks. In the smarts department, I'll give Luol a bad grade simply because the dude turned down around 50 million from the Bulls earlier in the year as an extension. That's a lotta mukwango.

I really want to know what the scouts and Pax are so high on this guy for.

As far as I'm concerned, this season is experimental from this point forward. Unless they make a trade pretty soon, I'm convinced that the roster's going to be gutted in the offseason. And why not? It's about time to blow things up, as is customary in Chicago basketball every 4 years or so.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

"Smells like Head and Shoulders...but you don't have dandruff!"

"Exactly!"

I don't know what has happened to my favorite city rivalry in recent years, but I don't like it. Ever since the Sox won the world series in 2005 (not 1905), we've become smug and tolerant. I will see Sox fans going to Cubs games, and only showing an affiliation when the two teams play eachother.

That's not the way it's supposed to work!

Do you ever see Yankees fans root for the Red Sox when they aren't playing each other? I don't mean like when you root for the Cubs because they're playing the Tigers in a Sox pennant race. I mean like if the Cubs are playing the Cardinals, what self-proclaimed Sox fan would cheer for them?

Notice I say "Sox fan," and not "sports fan." I understand that there has recently been some sort of mutated offspring of Chicago sports fans that has produced "Chicago Fans," that root for both teams equally and generally hop on whatever bandwagon is best at the time. You are scum, and I hate you, but this article isn't about you.

No, this is a shout out to everyone that says "I'm a Cubs fan" and then goes out to root for the Sox. We may not be in your division, but we compete every year for fans and for presitge. With the Tribune no longer biasing the media (hopefully), things will be heating up even more in the coming months.

More importantly, I want to know what happened to my favorite anti-team shirts! Everyone knows the true strength of a rivalry by the anti-team shirts. Here's a basic look at what people should be wearing with pride:

#1.
Short and sweet. The years of failure on the bottom are a nice touch.

#2.
Again, classy and direct. Another clever play on the logo.

See, but these are where the creativity comes in:



I can't wait until baseball season...

The Bulls Are Terrible

"No more P.F. Chang's after 7 PM!"

Can the Bulls do ANYTHING right?

We get a matchup against the Knicks, a team so bad that they have a 1-13 record on the road (plus we get to play them at home), and what do we do? We stink up the place!

Jim Boylan led our deuce-a-bulls into the 4th with a tight game (how is that even possible), and the Bulls were up 15. You'd think that the Bulls would lock it down, and put up another solid 20-something points in the 4th to finish it. Instead, we get outscored 12-27 in the 4th quarter (and this is the KNICKS we're talking about here), and lose 105-100. We didn't score more than two points in the last five minutes, letting the Knicks stack up a free 16 points on us.

Eddy Curry ripped us a new asshole (right next to the one he gave us when he left), and while Smith and Wallace had double-digit REB's, they were all AFTER they let the offense shoot. I don't care how many rebounds you get if you can't stop your man from shooting in the first place.

With a season likely in the toilet (we always rebound, but I don't think we're going to come nearly as close this year without Skiles), I think it's about time we used our secret weapon off the bench:

"Mad hops."

Goosing it

"It's about time, you assholes!"

Goose, you've come a long way -- you started with the White Sox, earning you the love of 31% of Chicagoland, and eventually toured with the Cubs, earning the love of the remaining 55% (everyone knows that the other 14% of Chicago is a bunch of tourists who come to see Wrigley field and urinate in the same trough as Ty Cobb).

I'm sure there are plenty of blogs out there that are commemorating Goose's career achievements and his recent induction into the baseball Hall of Fame. The guy made the name "Goose" into something feared by hitters! That's pretty damned impressive, along with his sub 3.00 ERA in any given year and his amazing mustache.

Ah yes, the mustache. See, while other blogs will rant and rave about his evolution as a pitcher, we at Luol's Dong have a much more important evolution in mind:


Our journey begins here. You'll notice that he is still referred to as "Rich" Gossage (prior to the legal name change and adoption), and that there seems to be something missing -- where is his trademark face growth? Why does he look, you know, happy? He's got the rest of his hair, but something is definitely missing.

After a brief stint with the Pirates, Gossage went to the Yankees -- which is where all ESPN reports regarding his HoF career will begin and end. Still no facial hair, but look at that face! Instead of boyish youth, we now see a man who is pissed that he hasn't received his paper in two months, and will kill the next paperboy he sees. That man is pissed off -- if only he had some outlet for his rage...

Yes!

There it is -- the mustache. Gossage came into his own both as a pitcher and as a ripoff of that guy on Mythbusters when he adopted this amazing follicle growth. This was the golden age of his career, as the mustache provided the perfect wind resistance and balance needed to maintain a 100 MPH fastball. In addition, a fondness for goosing gave him the name "Goose" by violated teammates.*

*Bullshit.

By the time Goose played for the Cubs, he had perfected the mustache and hair. Opposing pitchers protected their bodies, women protected their ovaries, and barbers protected their scissors. He was an unstoppable beast, and went on to inspire such loving tributes like that psychotic guy in "Happy Gilmore."


However, all great stories must come to an end. As Goose's signature fastball began to dip in velocity, he found himself struggling to find answers. After a brief stint in Japan as a clean-shaven member of the Fukuoka Daiei Hawks, he realized that his mustache was the true source of his power, and brought it back with him to the US with newfound glory:


Rocking this Snidely Whiplash growth, Gossage found the inner strength to pitch for three more years before finally hanging up his cleats. OK, yes, I know that's actually Rollie Fingers. But still, that's an amazing mustache.

You've earned this spot in the Hall of Fame, Goose. You worked hard, and prevailed at every level. Never change, and never shave.

Trading Places

"Don't get any on my hair! Oh, wait."

I jokingly posted about Paulie getting traded the other day, but it looks like PK may ACTUALLY be on the way out.

The Angels, who have slowly been acquiring established Sox players (most recently Jon Garland) are in the market to get Konerko. In case you forgot, they offered Konerko MORE money than the Sox did at the end of the 05' season, and Paulie chose us for less. That's class.

The "possible" deal involves the Sox trading Konerko and cash/prospect for Ervin Santana(OF) and Howie Kendrick (IF). If you just look at the numbers, the Sox would be getting the better end of that deal, but in reality, we'd be getting screwed.

#1. Santana is a lot like Zambrano -- both are completely batshit crazy, both have a lot of potential, and both enjoy long walks on the beach at sunset. The difference is, unless Zambrano is asking for a contract or garaunteeing a Cy Young win, he's generally REALLY good and a workhorse. Santana can implode at any given second, and generally does so when it matters most. We'd basically be trading for Gavin Floyd part deux -- a young (26?) guy with a lot of potential who is pseudo-established.

#2. What the hell do we do with Kendrick? Don't we ALREADY have too many IF? Uribe and Crede are penciled in as BENCH players, and I actually want to see what Richar can do -- Danny is a patient hitter with a good approach. I say we let him finish what he started.

#3. Has anyone forgotten that Konerko is GOOD? He has one shit year every two/three years, but when he's on, he's ON. He's also a really good 1B when it comes to fielding (he makes all those DP's look easy).

That said, Konerko will get a no-trade clause when the season starts, so if he is going to be dealt (which he probably is), it will likely be now. So let's try this instead:

Sox trade: Konerko, Dewon Day, Cash
Sox get: Santana, Chone Figgins, player to be named later

Chone Figgins is everything Kendrick is, but he's also a CF. Dewon Day is everything that comes out of my ass after a night of Indian food. Ozzie also has a serious man-crush on Figgins, and that would allow him to use Figgins-Cabrera as a lethal 1-2 in the lineup. Best of all, you can put Fields at 1B (preventing him from being a butcher in the field) and keep Crede anyways. Or, if Crede still has to go, you can put Swisher at 1B and let Carlos Quentin roam LF (anything is better than Pods last year).


I have to assume that the rest of the blogging crew is busy with this:



So, it looks like I'm going to be holding up the tent stakes for another day. Check back in later for a quick recap from the HoF announcement at 1:00 CT.

Oxymoron Traded

"Love me, Angel. Love me."

This is semi-old news, but it's worth mentioning. The Cubs dealt Angel Pagan to the Mets on Saturday for two minor leaguers. -- if you were living anywhere outside of Chicago at the time, that's probably all the news you would have gotten. However, here at Luol's Dong, we take pride in our investigative reporting. Let's learn some more about the players involved, shall we?

Angel Pagan
Career stats on Cubs: .255 with nine homers and 39 RBIs in 148 games
Favorite hobby: Spending time on the disabled list.
Attracted to: Blondes, Glasses, Breasts, Pasty Skin (see image above).
Bowling Shirt Style: Open
Bats: Switch hitter
Throws: Poorly
Ex-Friends: Sam Fuld, Felix Pie, Matt Murton

Ryan Meyers
Class A Savannah Stats: 13 saves and a 2.14 ERA. 55 K's, 16 W in 51 2/3 innings.
Favorite Hobby: Throwing things.
Attracted to: Anything that walks upright.
Bowling Shirt Style: N/A
Bats: L
Throws: R
Ambidextrous: Not really
Amphibious: Possibly

Corey Coles
Double-A Binghamton Stats: .296 AVG, 1HR 22RBI in 66 Games.
Favorite Hobby: Hitting things.
Attracted to: Angel Pagan, Ryan Meyers.
Bowling Shirt Style: Edible
Bats: L
Throws: L
Penis shape: L

With all those L's, Coles should fit right in to the Cubs' immediate future.

Actually, to be honest, both of those prospects have a solid chance of panning out: Coles could become a good contact hitter in the majors, and Meyers has some good stuff. Not only that, but Pagan spends more time on the DL than any non-pitcher the Cubs have, and even when healthy, he's not all that good. All in all, as much as I hate to say it, this is the verdict of the trade:

Kenny's Day Off

You know, it's tough working as the White Sox GM. My phone is ringing off the hook with potential trade deals all day, and I need to do what's best for the team to help us compete this year. It's really --

(phone rings)

Oh God! A call! Hello? Hello!? You there!? I know you can hear me!

(listens)

Yes! Yes, I'm very happy with my long-distance service provider...but I'm always open to change. I like to "shake things up," if you know what I mean.

(flashes trademark grin)


(listens for 5 seconds before interrupting)

Your "new and improved" service plan intrigues me. Make me an offer -- but don't try and rip me off! I don't listen to offers that don't make my team any better. I'm a GM who plays for the fans, and we're here to win NOW.

(listens for three seconds, nervously twitching the entire time)

OK, OK! I see that you're experienced in the ways of the trade talk. What about if I offer you Paul Konerko and $10 million?

(pauses, no response on the other line)


Fine, fine -- $20 million and Konerko! But that's my final offer.

(listens for two seconds as employee tries to explain that they don't accept players as payment)

OK, $40 million and two of our top prospects along with Konerko! Please, just don't hang up on me!

(listens)

So we have a deal then! Fantastic! Notify the commisioner.

(hangs up)


Man, I totally just ripped that guy off. We're going to be so much better this year. If you'll excuse me, I gotta go tell Paulie that he's been traded to the Comcast Triple Plays.

What the hell happened to: Mike Sirotka

"My junk looks FANTASTIC!"

Has it really been eight years since Mike Sirotka was last seen in a Sox uniform? Sirotka was one of the few pitching prospects produced by our farm system to pan out -- drafted in 1993, his numbers fluctuated from 1998-2000, but he eventually learned to pitch. In 2000, he had his best year yet -- 15-10 record with a 3.79 ERA -- leading us to the ALDS.

After the ALDS loss, we traded Sirotka to the Blue Jays for David Wells rather quickly...and sort of neglected to mention how Sirotka wrecked his labrum during his last start in the playoffs (it's OK -- Toronto never told us Wells was a whiny bitch who would miss almost the entire season...we'll call it even). After what was briefly called "shouldergate," Sirotka was indeed sent to Toronto, and never pitched in a major league game again.

What the hell happened to Mike Sirotka?

Well, he spent three seasons battling Kerry Wood for the record of simulated wins in a season, leading Toronto's simulated rotation to glory. He was then briefly on Pittsburgh before being released. The Cubs, having seen Sirotka on the South Side, acquired him in 2003, setting up the foundation for the best simulated staff in baseball (Wood, Prior, Sirotka, and Wade Miller). Alas, Wood and Prior remained healthy, and the chances for a Cubs simulated pennant run were shattered.

Sirotka dropped out of baseball after 2003, making him a bitch to track down -- but wait! Who is this guy from LSU named Mike Sirotka on LinkedIn who graduated in 1993? He apparently moved to Phoenix, starting "Just Like Home LLC" a properties management group...except that the real estate group doesn't seem to exist. Other than that LinkedIn listing, there's no information on that group existing...anywhere.

Which means...

Yes! Of course! Using his "Just Like Home" company as a front, Sirotka was able to import as much mortar, hispanic labor and beavers as needed for his master plan. He initially attempted to repair his left arm with the mortar, but upon discovering the severity of the injury, created a powerful steroid out of Venezuelan beaver cheese to train his right arm instead. Then, using the training of his hispanic co-horts, he learned to become one of them.

Obeying his feeling of loyalty to the Canadians, he bribed ex-Expo Javier Vazquez to retire early and spent the next two years impersonating him. Sirotka/Vazquez helped to tank the Yankees rotation to assist the Toronto Blue Jays. Then, when he realized that the White Sox were looking for pitching help, he made his move:

His revenge would be swift...