Monopoly Money

If this doesn't cover those paternity suits, I don't know what will!

With $20 million to play with, the Bears could stand to spend some money this offseason -- we have some key contributors that are headed to free agency (Briggs, Berrian), and a perpetually troubling QB deficiency. With the cap increase, the Bears are actually in a position to make some moves. Here are some likely possibilities:

#1. Bears get a QB in the form of Losman, Anderson, or McNabb, and sign them to a long-term deal. Probably the most likely of events, but let's face it -- the problems we have aren't going to get a magic fix just by changing the QB (and these guys aren't much better than Grossman anyways). I think we should roll Grossman/Orton in 08 using a conservative offense and use the money for...

#2. Sign Briggs to whatever the hell contract he wants. I don't care if we dump Benson and Clark to do it -- Briggs has shown that he's worth every penny. He makes the plays, and keeps Urlacher looking like, well, Urlacher. Also, while we're at it, give Mike Brown an extension. This guy has had some bad luck (IR for most of the past three seasons), but when he plays, he makes a world of difference. We don't have anything even close to his skill set, and he might come cheaper after another injury-plagued season.

#3. Let Briggs, Berrian, Grossman and Brown walk. Promote Hester to WR2 (behind Moose), and have him flip/flop with Rasheid Davis. Start Garrett Wolfe at runningback. Use the money to rebuild the offensive line, and lock up key players. Get some depth at the O-Line, and get a new offensive coordinator. With a great pocket, you really have only the QB to blame if you screw up the passing plays -- we can finally gauge some talent.

Then again, all of this means nothing if we (shudder) sign Julius Jones:

"Marion! No! Don't leave me -- take me with you!"

Let's face it -- as bad as our running situation is, Jones is over the hill. He'd be good for MAYBE one season, and then we'd probanly be starting Wolfe anyways (not to mention eating Benson's contract for NOTHING). Let Wolfe start, and put Benson as the 3rd down back -- when we had Thomsa Jones (and a respectable run game), Benson really thrived in that role.

Mock You!-Mock Draft Analysis

Sure it's only Wild Card Weekend, but does that mean it's too soon to look at some of the mock drafts floating around? If you say the answer is yes, then fuck off. How's that for a well constructed argument?

The following mock draft was compiled by the fine folks at Windy City Gridiron.


1st- Pick 14
Jeff Otah, OT, Pittsburgh


I don't know anything about Jeff Otah. According to the words I just typed above, he played for Pittsburgh. From what I can recall about college this year, Pittsburgh beat West Virginia in the last game of the season, and West Virgina put the smizack down on Oklahoma last week. My high school mock trial coach would disagree with me, but I say this means Jeff Otah can beat Oklahoma. That's pretty snazzy. Then again his name is close to Utah, and when I think of Utah I think of Karl Malone and all the annoying he did to Michael Jordan. Once again, my mock trial coach would most likely disagree that this is no reason not to draft the guy, but he drove a Datsun with a mini disco ball hanging from the rear view mirror and wore corduroy ties. Than again I just read that Michael Lewis book The Blind Side, and he says that the only player that are more important than the LT on any given team is the starting quarterback. That means that no matter how awesome Jeff Otah is, this guy makes more money than him:


But we do need help on the line, so I say he's a good pick.


2nd- Pick 45
Brian Brohm, QB, Louisville

I would be happy to take the time to write out a list of all the starting quarterbacks we have had since the 1985 Super Bowl, but I would most likely work myself up into such an angry fervor, I would end up scrubbing myself down with steel wool and crying in the shower again. Then again, look at the digital representation of that sexy bastard. The Orson Wells-esque low angle and the way the sun sets in his presence leads me to believe we may be on the verge of a second coming....so to speak.


3rd- Pick 77
Michael Hart, RB, Michigan

Obviously Mike Hart didn't have any trouble convincing Lloyd Carr that his being just a Hobbit's hair shorter than 4 feet tall wasn't a knock against him. Unless this loud mouthed midget can return the ring to Mount Doom, I remain dubious. Plus look at the list of Michigan rejects the Bears have drafted in the past. On second thought, don't. Shit, I just did. I need to take a bath now.


4th- Pick 90
Michael Hamlin, SS, Clemson

When people bring up the idea of drafting a solid safety from an SEC school I kindly remind them that we have Mike 'Motherfucking' Brown. Then they kindly remind me that the ligaments surrounding Mike 'Motherfucking' Brown's knees are made out of apple cores and cotton candy. I then get them in a headlock and give them a nuggy that would send Mike Brown back to the IR by week 4.








4th- Pick 109
Nic Harris, FS, Oklahoma

If you accuse me of choosing this photo simply because it shows a dirty Oklahoma Sooner trying in vain to tackle the human bowling ball that is Hugh Charles, well the guilty as charged. Fuck yeah. Go Buffs.
Oh. Sorry. What? More defense? I'm all for it. If he's good enough to start for Bob Stoops, he's certainly good enough for Bob Babcock---I mean Babitch. I do that a lot.

Obligatory Bulls Story

Yeah, that's right. On a day when two teams advanced to the next round of the NFL Playoffs, the two best teams in the East and West played each other, I'm writing about the Bulls. Why?



Because Afroman earned his paycheck tonight. Old Big Ben blocked (former Bull, current white trash) Brad Miller's shot with little time left as the Bulls go onto beat the Kings. True, he can't jump, he can't rebound, he definitely can't shoot, and he has carnie hands. But tonight, he is the hero.

Laugh it up, Windy City. As an obsessive and usually angry Kings fan (Come on, it's the only sport we have in Sacramento) I can say that it is no accomplishment. I know, because I came to that result after the Kings beat the Knicks the other night.....and then lost to the UnbelieveaBulls.

Do the Bears want Losman?

Apparently, JP Losman wants out of Buffalo rather than back up Trent Edwards next season.

I'm not sure if he's a big upgrade over Rex but he can throw the long ball (good for Berrian, if we bring him back) and isn't as turnover-prone but is just as injury-prone.

More importantly, check out these voluptuous curls:

(Scooby snacks?)

I mean, sure, any guy can throw a 50 yard spiral while getting chased by human-livestock hybrids but sporting a hippie 80's shag-head like that requires serious god-given talent and ability. I know a guy who would trade his 13 inch beefstick for hair like that... Seriously.

Which begs the question: who is Losman modeling the mane after?

(Blood is a great conditioner)

(Getting old is sad)

(Wow. Just put a 7 on his chest and it's Losman...)

I bet Hinrich would be averaging 20-10 if he could grow hair like these legends.

Pare Disparando

(That means stop shooting in Spanish)



Someone needs to tell Noc to please stop! I love his hustle and his uncanny ability to flop on demand but please stop shooting the ball. His shot selection was terrible last night and he was nowhere near hitting an outside shot. Every time the bulls had momentum he would take a three and brick badly. The bulls actually had a chance last night at home without Luol and we could not close it. That has unfortunately been the Bulls problem this season and I think alot of it has to do with bad shot selection from key players especially Noc. If the bulls are going to do anything this season (and they still can) we need to take better shots.

My advice to Noc is to take it in the lane, flop get fouled and go to the line. Use your strength in acting to our benefit and not on the other end flopping for non existent calls.(See picture above)

Finally did anyone see the last shot when Webster blocked the shit out of Noc's pathetic three point attempt it was embarrassing.

Used Trojans**

It's one thing to lose to a much better team, which Illinois did on Tuesday. It's quite another to make another team look much better than they truly are, which Illinois also did. The J Leman led defense kept Juice and the boys in it in the first half, while Zook never adjusted away from the playbook. My advice to Zook for next season: If you ARE going to script the first 15 plays, maybe don't tell the press about it. Chances are if the crew at CBS know about it, then the opposing coaches know as well. When all you show Pete Carroll is fake-not-fake handoffs to Mendenhall, it isn't that hard to defend.

Plus how fucking aggravating is it to get your ass kicked on some lucky plays? Illini defenders hit the fuck out of Trojan receivers, only for the ball to pop right into the waiting arms of Joe McKnight, their most dangerous player. That's like Ray Lewis fumbling directly into Devin Hester's hands and having him run back a touchdown. Their punter fumbles the snap, only there was no rush and he still has plenty of time to make some tea, file his nails and get off a 45 yard snap. A bungled laterally passed ball bounces twice on the ground, right into McKnight's hands and he takes it for 65 yards. I guess if this had happened to anyone else it would have just been lucky and wild, but when it happens to USC it just feels like God has taken a shit in your favorite pair of slippers.

The other bad news, is Mendenhall's stellar game (150,TD) means he will most likely skip out of his senior year and head to the NFL. The only way this kid has any shot of being a quality back is if the Bears stay the hell away from him. Lovie and the gang sure have a way of turning promising college players into bench riding whining bitches.

In terms of Illinois, they will be better next year, and Zook clearly has his lockdown on recruiting, but let's just hope he doesn't start hanging out with Jim Tressel anytime soon. That guy is bad news.

**Yes, I'm 12 years old.

Sox Acquire Swisher

The best "I just shit myself" look. Ever.

I really don't know what to make of this:

In a move that is almost CERTAIN to screw us in the future, the Sox acquired Nick Swisher from the A's in exchange for Ryan Sweeney, Gio Gonzalez, and Fautino De Los Santos (AKA FDLS, because I'm not typing that again).

Swisher is a pretty good acquisition -- he's young (27), hits for power (22 HR in Oakland...roughly equal to 79 HR at the Cell), and is controlled through 2011. He's a patient hitter, which is always a good trait for keeping the count alive, and posted a .381 on-base percentage last year, which is better than any fielder we had last year.

The bad news, is that Gio and FDLS look REALLY promising. We already regretting trading Gio once, and had to make a second trade to get him back (deals with Garcia and Thome, respectively). He throws hard, and has lots of movement on his pitches -- even if he has only played at the AA level. FLDS also had good movement and control, and both likely would have made excellent additions to the squad in 2009-10.

As for Sweeney, he's never really produced at the major league level (mostly due to injury and not getting the chance), but he's definately ready. Let's hope that we don't have a repeat of Chris Young with this one.

I think the Sox got screwed here -- Swisher is a corner outfielder like Dye, so we're STILL starting Brian Anderson in CF (which is good, because I think he's due). Is Swisher that much of a massive upgrade over Sweeney or Quentin in LF? Well, we here at Luol's Dong don't judge you based on ability -- we judge you on your ability to get drunk and score hot chicks (see: Kyle Orton).

Let's see...chicks? Check. Booze? Check. Bad hair/cowboy hat? Check.

But what's this?

Oh Nick, you ARE a wild man.

Happy New Year (Part 2)

Continuing the trend of lunacy for 2008.

2008 White Sox:

Sox trade Dewon Day and Joe Borchard's leftover luggage for a free tour to the glue factory. They then euthanize Uribe, creating enough glue to last Crede's back an entire season. Sox use leftover cap money to purchase contracts of Man Soo Lee and Shingo Takatsu. Both do nothing other than please Japanese media, resulting in 95 wins. Sox sweep playoffs by forcing the opposing team to start Matt Clement in each game (we have practice annihilating him in the playoffs). By season's end, Jenks tries Babe Ruth's diet of Hotdogs and hookers. Breaks belt, and record for homeruns after converting from pitcher to DH.

"Bobby...hungry..."

2008 Chicago Cubs Vaginas:

Cubs sell field name to Kotex, become Chicago Vaginas. Use money from sale to purchase contracts of Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, and Rafael Palmeiro, breaking the record for the number of steroid abusers on one team. The City of Chicago holds a parade for this event during the Sox playoff run because, hey, it's not like there's anything else going on. During the parade, Skullfuck gets drunk and is ultimately deported for indecent exposure and for not making eye contact (damn slanty eyes). After a 2-10 start, the Vaginas start showing Rookie of the Year in Kotex Field because no one there really watches the game anyways. Henry Rowengartner reinjures his arm, and the Vaginas decide to let him walk. Rowengartner then goes on to win the Cy Young four years in a row with a different team. Go figure.

"What's a ZJ?"

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

From The Belly Of The Beast

"Knicks Suck, Jets Suck, Yankees Suck...Krypton Sucks."

I don't know how much longer I can take this...

In an attempt to provide Keggers with adequate meat for his birthday, I seem to have wandered into some sort of parallel universe run by retarded cab drivers. It's as though Chicago doesn't exist, and if it did, it would only be known for being on the way to California. Some symptoms of the disease:

#1. Referring to any sports team with the name "Sox," even when preceded by the correct color, automatically refers to the Boston Red Sox.

Example:

Passerby #1: "Pardon me fine chap, but do you believe that the White Sox will have a chance in the AL Central this year?"
Passerby #2: "Whaddaya talkin' about? The Sox are in the AL East, and the Yanks will crush 'em!"
Passerby #1: "If I'm not mistaken...I believe I have been stabbed."

#2. The Bears, even when carefully linked to the city and sport, are not a football team. The only "Bears" in the New York lexicon are gay sect (ask Keggers) and the things at the zoo.

#3. The following sentance spewing from your mouth: "The 'Chicago Blackhawks' are that team with the fucking intolerant racist logo and they should change that shit, the bunch of fags."

#4. Finding ESPN to be a reliable source of news information.

#5. Death (see: #4).

Get me the hell out of here.

Happy New Year

After taking a 15 incher in the bung from USC, I think a more optimistic post about next year is in order.

2008 Chicago Bears:
The Bears sign McNabb and Alan Faneca in the offseason and bring back Grossman and Briggs. Urlacher re-aligns his spine while nailing Paris Hilton and Mike Brown drinks 5 glasses of milk every day and makes it though the year healthy. New infusion of talent from the 06 and 07 draft makes the Bears deep and dangerous. Prediction for Super Bowl XLIII: Bears 48, Pats 0 after Brady throws 5 INT's, clearly affected (and mystified) by Rex Grossman's ability to nail both Bridget Moynahan AND Giselle in the pre-party.

2008 Chicago Bulls:
The Bulls apologize to Skiles, bring him back for next season. After the Celtics early playoff exit, the Bulls deal Gordon, Duhon and the # 5 pick for KG. The week before the season starts, Michael Jordan sends a fax to Skiles, "I'm back. Again" and splits time with Nooch, averaging 34ppg in 15 minutes/game. Ben Wallace grows out his fro, becoming a dominant 7"8 force at center. Luvabulls are replaced by the chicks at Scores.



PART 2 (Sox, Cubs etc) coming up...